Blazer's Blog

WP

2010-06-15T11:09:00.001-04:00

Did I mention that I moved my blog to Word Press?

I did...

mattblazer.wordpress.com

Mentoring Profile #7: James Norwood Blazer Senior

2010-05-25T09:57:00.002-04:00

My grandpa was a WW2 Co-Pilot in a bomber (Claims Hitler gave up after he heard Jim Blazer had shown up), a salesman (mostly to industrial plumbing companies), played the stand up bass his whole life, had four children, and refinished furniture in his spare time. This is his flight school picture.

He is the kind of man whose relational weight will not be known this side of Heaven. His funeral was huge because he learned how to use his cell phone. And, as far as I can tell had lunch with every man in Northeast Oklahoma. He kept in touch with his flight crew his whole life, helped a distant second cousin with ancestry stuff for the Blazers, had lunch with his pastor every Sunday night for as long as I can remember (even after that Pastor built his church into one of the largest in the country). I believe he and Grandma began several support groups at their church - but I don't know that that is blog-material.

He once took me aside and took five minutes to explain to me that my grandma is the funniest person he has ever met. It was a wonderful five minutes. I have since learned how true it is - my grandma can be funny through jokes, good-sarcasm, exaggeration, and pure silliness. My grandpa was more of a knock knock joke man. Last week my dad told me this joke. "I know two short jokes and one long one, do you want to hear them? (Do I have a choice?) joke, joke, jjjjoooooooooookkkkeeeeee." If Geeps (my nickname for him since i was a kid) were still around he would be desperately trying to send that joke throughout Tulsa County.

There is more of course - more background, more about his father David E. E. Blazer (whose fountain pens are on my wall and whose business phone was 5 digits long), more about their kids... But mainly I remember consistency. He was at my spelling bee in 5th grade, and the legend is that he also mis-spelled "lightning" with me. I would have got it right had I asked for an example. I spelled it "lightening" as in "lightening in the load" ':} I ate at their house more times than I could count, stayed in their guest room frequently as a kid, always made him get out one of the 2-3 swords he had hanging around the house (or old Revolutionary War guns). Grandma and I played a lot of gin and scrabble, but Geeps was always there (usually in his recliner).

I appreciated him, loved him, miss him, wish I would have asked him to teach me more about refinishing furniture or how to play the stand up bass.

Geeps came to know the LORD late in life after listening to a televangelist - which really helps me to not hate them. I didn't know him before that, and his faith was very shaped by Tulsa-Bible-Belt culture. But, I know that he knew the LORD, prayed for his family, gave away what he had, and loved as best as he knew how. Geeps and Grandma have had to see a lot of pain the past few years - probably no more than many of their age, but it was still hard. They were sometimes leveraged into bad situations they didn't deserve to be drug into. But, this is what I know: 20 years after a divorce from my dad Geeps walked up to my mom and said, "Hey there pretty lady" as though no time had passed and nothing had gone wrong since they had first met in the mid-70's. This was at my college graduation.

Once I was talking with another member of the family who was in pretty bad shape. I told him to stop posturing as a Christian, stop reading his Bible for awhile, and when he did read it to pray like the Psalmists who are so honest with God about their fears, hopes, anger, etc. The incident that led me to say this was warranted.

Geeps was 80 at the time and present for the conversation. He later told me he couldn't sleep after what I had said, and that he got up later and read Psalm 88. I count that as one of the most spiritually humbling moments of my life. I am still amazed that the Holy Spirit would do that when I clearly have so much to learn about family, love, hard work, and faithfulness from Geeps.

He died in 2008. The nice suit I own I bought for his funeral. He would have been proud in a straightforward way. Not in the way that thinks I am more spiritual, but the kind where you are proud because you understand that this is clearly the vocation of your grandson and you are proud and wish him well.

There is always more to say. When I see Grandma I pick her brain about their early life, and about their stories. I am reading "The Greatest Generation" in hopes to understand the two of them a little more. I love and miss Geeps. Apparently I used to go up to him as a kid and say (all the time according to my dad and Grandma), "Hey Geeps, I have an idea, let's get a book and read it!" Good thing Christians never really say goodbye I guess.

Mentoring Profile #6: Donald Toomey

2010-05-24T16:35:00.004-04:00

Dr. Donald Toomey is my mom's dad. He is not her biological father, and I don't know when I learned that but it never made any different - he was always Grandpa, her dad, etc.

I wish I knew his story better and will hopefully get to spend some time with Grandma this weekend to learn it more thoroughly. I know that I have a photo album of his time as a WW2 photographer (he enlisted before he was 18 because he believed in serving); and the photos are amazing - some taken right before (and in) the Nuremberg Trials.

I got to go to their 50th Wedding Anniversary in 2001, where my Grandma could not stop talking about the kiss "he planted on me" on Friday night.

He did not go to my high school graduation, and he told me it was because everyone did that but that he would come to my college one (which he did). I thought it was funny then, and I think it is funny now.

Grandpa had a PHD in Geology (Grandma drew the pictures - meticulously) for his thesis. He was a learned man, and spent his retirement making young artists famous in New Mexico with his journal articles. He wrote a book about 19th Century California Missions and especially the influence of Father Junipero Serra I remember him showing me the system in his library - all the books standing up were the ones he had read, and the ones laying down were on his "to-read" shelf.

In 1999 I discussed a book on Revelation that attempted to read it as 3 scrolls; letters, worship, and war. 9 years later he and I began writing letters to one another and he asked me to send him the book. That is how thoughtful and intelligent he was.

My grandpa has weaknesses. I think he would have wished for a degree in psychology to heal all of the wounds in his own family. At the same time, he did not sit idly - he loved well when and where he could. I would be surprised and disappointed if any of us doubted his love and willingness to offer whatever he could when needed. Probably that could be said of most grandparents, but his personality was such that it was an ever-present reality when you were with him. The sense of love - even without lots of words.

I received my Masters of Divinity Diploma in December, and walked last week. Of all of my grandparents, he would have been the most proud. They were all proud, but he is the most learned. My brother has a PHD in Philosophy - and that is in no small part related to our grandfather.

He is famous for his retorts following someone sneezing. The first sneeze would generally go unrecognized, but the second received one of 2 responses, "Oh, wipe it off the walls!" or, "Once more and we'll vote on it!" And if you sneezed a third time, you might hear, "Oh shut up!" Said in fun.

Grandpa died in 2009 in his office. He was in the house with the only woman he ever loved, he went peacefully. I think my rememberance/mentoring is this: Grandpa loved well. He loved his wife, his daughters, learning. If he was my only mentor I think I would be okay.

Shortly after he died, Grandma sent me one of his sculptures - of St. Francis. St. Francis means a lot to me, but he means more because I believe this sculpture was on Grandpa's desk. Thanks Grandma.

As a grandson it is especially wonderful to think about how well he loved his wife and how well he loved my mom. It still makes me happy, even as I wish I could have more time with him. Thankfully, I'm confident I will get that time eventually.

Mentoring Profile #5: The Marvel Universe

2010-05-16T22:00:00.005-04:00

So, the reason I haven't written in awhile is that I cannot decide what next to write about (or who).

My main thoughts were another author: John Eldredge or Brennan Manning; possibly John Piper, but it was really just his way of thinking "by enjoying Him forever" from the Shorter Catechism...

Second Main thought (really the first) was... BA ba ba ba: The Marvel Universe.

When I was 12 and 13 I read 9 comic books, and got what backdated copies I could find. I read Iron Man, Thor, the Amazing Spiderman (there were like 4 Spideys at the time, now there are like 51), XMEN, the Uncanny XMEN, XFORCE, XFACTOR... maybe it was 7 because that is all I can come up with. I have been saying 9 for 20 years now, but maybe it was 7.

I promise I will get back to real people, but I saw Iron Man 2 the day it came out and loved it - so I thought I would go ahead and write this post. Partly because War Machine was invented when I was reading the comics, but also because Tony Stark is a very real human - narcissistic, brilliant, but very dark and selfish also.

Mostly comic book folk solve their problems by punching someone or kissing someone. There are undertones, some good artwork, meta-themes (like oppression, the grand story of the unlikely hero, etc.), but as far as I can tell problems are solved by punching/kissing. I tried the second one to no avail throughout my teenagedom.

In all seriousness, I think I learned that 'heroes' have back stories, darkness doesn't preclude light. Or something... Bad guys can become good guys by choice.

And, as a man, there was a pleasant amount of violence, speed, movement - of - story. It took me about 20 minutes to read a comic, and most of the time there was a good bit of closure.

As I get older I am less sure of what I know, but the world seems simpler. The Marvel Universe, without regard to the plots of villains, is a simple place. So, in addition to (literally) thousands of almost useless facts, the Marvel Universe presented a nice outlet, lots of explosions, and an appreciation of the real role of story in a heroes life - it is just a story, there are still choices and people on the other side.

Mentor Profile #4: Joe MItchell

2010-05-10T22:50:00.002-04:00

Joe was in my story about Kris Cooper. He is a good friend, his wife has a blog, and I worked under him at Kanakuk for 3 Summers.

He and I power-sprayed a track and two tennis courts one week. Power Spraying a track and a tennis court is fun because power spraying is fun. It is not fun because being lightly shaken all day is not fun. Also, because a power sprayer (a good one anyway) will strip paint if you have the right nozzle on it. In this case, we were walking a line because we were going to re-paint what we stripped... So, strip the courts, but not with abandon. Or something... Anyway, that is how I spent my first week with Joe.

Here is what I remember about Joe (who is, I think, 1 or 2 years old than me). When we worked together he would typically say, "It'll be alright." To new ideas mostly. Meaning, 'I'm tired, let's think of a better and more efficient way of doing this... and if we don't I will have rested for five minutes on my rock rake.' Joe's answer, "It'll be alright." Means: we have man-power (implication: not genius engineering) behind us, let's just finish the job. Sometimes he would say, "It'll probably be alright." If you ever hear me say this, what I have actually just said is, "the process is actually fine and I think we just need to finish it." What I learned from Joe here was to just keep working. I still don't always do this, I wasn't exactly mentored in a 'roll up your sleeves' kind of house; but I am a lot better since working with Joe.

Joe and I aren't too similar. But, for a few years we would talk in March about basketball, and if I called him now and asked about the Lakers (his team), we would have a nice talk. He would then indulge me in regards to the Celtics (my team).

Joe played a bit of point guard when we had some time for bball at camp. We liked playing together. Once, I stepped back and missed a 3 and he said, "You were trying to step back like Reggie (Miller)." A few years later I did it successfully against a league team, and thought of what he said. He is a good player, uses the backboard well and tends to forget that he can score pretty well.

What I remember from playing basketball with him was that if I did something dumb or missed a layup he would get on my case, but not in the irritating way. I knew he just wanted to win, he knew I didn't want to miss, but he provided that strange kind of man-encouragement that sounds discouraging, but is really just us understanding language backwards or something. Kind of like when I was studying for my ordination exams and Rick kept telling me he would kick my ass if I didn't pass them. It was encouraging.

I remember other things, like he and my wife attempting to date :). I remember that he helped me understand that kids will always want to do something more if you go and do it with them. I remember him reacting well to a guy getting very sick (not to his stomach, but not-breathing-kind-of-sick) at the pool one summer. I remember that Joe is great friends my oldest Kanakuk friend Stuart Finley (we were campers together in 1985).

But, under Joe I learned about hard work, enjoyed some basketball, and forever adopted a phrase that helps me to keep working at stuff, "probably be alright..."

Mentor Profile #3: Andre Dubus

2010-05-05T09:52:00.004-04:00

When I moved to St. Louis I was tired of trying to improve myself through books, trying to assimilate so much Christian information, etc. that I took a break from reading Christian books. During this time I picked up a book an ex-girlfriend had given me called, "Meditations from a Movable Chair". It is a book of essays by Andre Dubus.

I have since purchased every book of his I could find.

Some of his short stories have been made into movies. Namely: "In the Bedroom" (Story is called "The Killings"), and "We don't live here anymore" (book is good, but the 2 companion novellas make it fantastic).

There are sub-themes to his literature that involve running, sex, masculinity, marriage, raising children, coming-of-age, etc. But, I think the two things I 'learned' from Andre Dubus were to enjoy literature again; just in and of itself to enjoy reading. And he labeled many small gifts in life as sacraments.

Dubus is the first author I read after being sick last year. He is who I pick up if my only goal is relaxation. I have only found one person who likes him even half as much as I do - my old neighbor who is a professor at Webster U (which makes me feel smart that she likes him).

The other thing he mentored me in was enjoying small things. A sacrament, in this sense, is simply a grace or gift. Running is a gift, having a good conversation (especially with my four year old) is a gift, a good drink is a gift. Peter Devries says it this way, "The greatest gift known to man is the recovery of the commonplace: coffee in the morning and whiskey in the evening without fear." When I am here (in a place of enjoying 'the commonplace') it is partly because of the writing of Andre Dubus.

Mentor Profile #2: Dale and Dave

2010-05-04T11:48:00.003-04:00

Since I tackled a huge one with number 1, I thought I would do an easier mentoring moment I had a few years ago for the second post.

When I first moved to STL I rented a little house in South Webster Groves, and it had a nice corner lot. As the Spring rolled around I let the grass get a bit long and was instructed by my landlord to mow it (it was in the lease that he could charge me 40/week if I didn't mow it). So, I mowed it, didn't bag it, and shot a lot of the grass into the street.

Across the street from me lived two older men - both retired, Dave and Dale, next door to one another. They came over to talk with me about the grass in the street. They began with firmness, and then were gentle - I have no idea if I had anything to do with this, or if is just 'how they are'. Dave and Dale explained that it was unacceptable to have grass in the street. This is not how you mow, keep up your yard, or be a neighbor. But, if I wanted to borrow Dave's blower to put the grass back in my yard I was welcome to it. Dave was clear that he was not offering to blow it for me (Dave was probably 70)! They seemed to figure out that I did not understand these things - either instinctively or through previous mentoring.

I remember being annoyed. I had better things to do, I was trying to build a youth ministry, etc. But, I also remember using his blower. Then, going over to borrow some clamps for a table I was making; then having a Nat Light with him in his yard one day (Dave drank Nat Light; he was an old painter and that was just fine with him to get his beer at Aldi's). I only lived there for about a year and a half, but I still see Dave's old work van tooling around sometimes. He had an annoying little dog (really his wife's dog); I don't miss the dog.

It was a good, light lesson - on being a man, taking care of one's yard, listening to older men, and general neighborliness.

Mentor Profile #1: Kris Cooper

2010-05-01T22:10:00.004-04:00

I wonder if it is the Enlightenment that makes me think I am supposed to KNOW and/or be able to put into words what I LEARNED from a person... something about that seems to not fit.

Alas, Mr. Cooper is my answer to the question of 'who is your hero?'.

I attended Kanakuk Kamps from 1985-1991. I was at Mr. Cooper's Kamp for the first 5 of those years. He was the director. During that time I lost my right thumb. Well, I didn't 'lose' it. I know exactly where it has been until the day after they finished the job started by the... Well, that's another story isn't it? Anyway, Coops assures me that there was some discussion amongst camp counselors about my missing digit the next year :)

In 1996 I went to work for him as a Counselor in Training. I turned in my application at least 2 months late, without references. I was accepted - this is grace; especially if you know how difficult it is to work for Kanakuk.

I was a total smart ass and therefore had the unenviable job (at the track meets) of 'runner'. You run 2 sprints for every race there is (once there, once back). There are 9 50's and 9 100's. It was a good work out. Coops told me I would be the runner, made sure I understood it was kind of voted on (by the other counselors; did I mention I was a smart ass? I was), but he didn't say it with animosity or even joking in his voice and the amount of respect he commands dictated that the other men were sort of humbled by his announcing it to me - they wanted it, but he could have vetoed it at any point). Men have to deal with men, we have to learn lessons, etc. This was good loving of a young man; gracious, but without pretense. I remember another example from that year, but it served the same point as the 'runner' one.

Next year and the year after I was not challenged or humbled by life or my assignments at camp. In 1999 all of that changed - I was asked to be an 'Uncle' which means you show up for about 10 days, get paid 120 bucks, and work very hard. I was in a bad relationship at the time and felt I should tell him about it - grace. I learned about hard work (friends like Joe Mitchell helped with this also). I repeatedly lost at a game centered around your work gloves and not losing them. When I say repeatedly I mean: I lost my gloves five times. Every time you lose them you have to draw a penalty from the hat (someone steals them really... mine even were taken by another camp, that is how bad I was at the glove game). I got the 'free' pass, which means I only had four penalties.

It did not occur to me to attempt to renege on my penalties. It is worth mentioning these penalties to understand why it was significant that I didn't weasel out of them. I had to wear a Cape for 10 days. I negotiated being able to take the cape off for sports competitions. I had to sleep in a pup tent. Very few know this, but at 6:00 AM the next morning I took my pillow up to a Chapel and got exactly 1 hour of non-dew sleep. I wore 8 Russian Dancing outfits in one day. And, I had to wear a climbing harness all of another day.

It did not occur to me to renege - I probably assumed I would be crucifixed or something if I didn't follow through :) Apparently, it meant a lot that I did my best (with the now-public one hour segment unknown at the time) to keep the penalties. I also started to receive affirmation from some different things at camp; these almost always came from being humbled and finding out later that I persevered well or something.

It was a hard summer, in the way that college students think is hard. At the end of the summer I was offered a strange position called 'trip director'. I told the guy (Joe again) that I would do it if he needed me. I remember learning the lesson, the next day, that people don't ask for things they don't really need. Being a trip director was a blast, it was very hard work in some senses. It was that summer that I learned how much better people learn if they put something together on their own (random, but this is a random-thoughts blog right?).

What does this have to do with Kris Cooper, why he is my hero, and what I learned from him about masculinity? First of all, I'm not in any of these positions if he didn't believe in me enough, and secondly, I am slowly learning - mostly not from words - what it means to be a young man. To follow through, to finish a job, to handle a chain saw - to be a man.

The next year was much harder. My dad and step-mom began divorcing, I was again in a bad relationship, I was very disoriented and lonely. I rode back from a campsite with Coops and talked about where I was - grace from him. It was a lonely Summer. I stole a parking sign for reasons that do not concern you - it was VERY funny to my fellow trip men, and I think Coops thought it was funny too. He was often willing to bend the rules a bit, or laughed with us when we bent them in acceptable ways. The first day of Uncle Week I got to follow Coops around and drag away trees he cut down with his chain saw. Joe White was cutting too, but I felt like I was following Coops. It was a good day, and not just because it seemed anecdotal :) At the end of the day he asked one of our work crew directors if anyone stood out as a hard worker; the guy told him I was the first one who volunteered to hold re-bar while it was sledged into what would later become a pool. He asked about this because there was an "uncle of the day" thing. We decided to forego the award for that day, but Coops later told me that that was what the guy said. I think what is important here is that he just told me; didn't try to pat me on the back with extra words or adverbs or something. He just wanted me to know what this man said, and let it stand as encouragement from one man to another. Here is what I heard from a man I respect, "Good job today."

2001 was my last Summer working at Kanakuk. I remember being sad coming into the Summer - it had been another difficult year, much worse circumstances than the year before in regards to my family. I remember being so tired that the thought of good hard, uncle-week-like-work sounded amazing... And, it was. Kris and his wife were very happy Rachel and I started dating that Summer. When possible they would schedule us together at parties and stuff for the kids. Some other staff members actually held my letters to her up under lights to try and read them... I still find this amazing and funny.

I remember a few things about Coops from this Summer. At the end of 'Uncle Week' girls arrive. We have had our guy time, and sometimes think they are intruding. its dumb I know. Coops was talking to us about them arriving, trying to encourage us in welcoming them. I don't know if you have caught on to this, or if I have mentioned it - he isn't a big talker. He will talk, but isn't one for speeches. So, he is encouraging us. I think I was the first to dissent, but it doesn't matter really, we started being 22 year old guys and whining about them ruining our guy time. He gave us a second, and then, without looking up, repeated himself about the importance of encouraging them. Same tone of voice, same words. I have NEVER seen a group of stupid young men quiet down so fast and look so guilt-stricken. We were mortified that our hero and friend had to repeat himself because we were joking around. He just commands that kind of respect. I don't think our guilt lasted either - because we knew he wasn't mad. We just knew we needed to change the way we were thinking about the girls coming, we changed immediately. Because he repeated himself.

I remember a few other stories from my last summer - of him coming alongside some of the most obnoxious people I knew, of fighting for men's hearts when they did incredibly dumb things. But the last story is about me - because this is my blog! The last summer I worked at camp I stopped being a director and went back to being a 'regular' counselor. There were a lot of reasons for this, but essentially I wanted to. One night we were playing a very large and elaborate game of Capture the Flag, and about 6 minutes into it I realized my cabin only had defensive capabilities. I decided to change that by using every fire extinguisher I could find in defense of my 13 year old boys - and because I was tired of these rules that enabled me to get hit by water balloons every four minutes.

I also played "Pour Some Sugar on me" in a skit... that was just dumb, this is a conservative, evangelical camp!

Anyway, back to the extinguishers: the 'Safety Officer' wrote me a ticket for taking my cabin up a slide that night (you're supposed to go down, as we tell Caroline). I asked him about the Extinguishers and he said I would have to talk to Coops. This delighted me because 1 - it was funny, 2 - I knew Coops well enough to have some idea of how this would go. Maybe a week later I asked him if we needed to talk about it. He said, "what do you think that I think?" I said, "I think you would have done something similar in my shoes." He said, "That's probably right..." Or something like that.

It has been a few years since I have seen Kris Cooper. I follow his oldest son on Twitter. I assume word has gotten back to him that I am a pastor, I know some of his staff knew I was sick. He has 6 children and I learned from him as a father and a husband. He and his wife have a special whistle if they see each other but are too far away to chat - its awesome. He was on a panel once on marriage, and the only thing I remember him saying when someone forced the mic on him was, "Give... give.. give..." then he handed the mic to the girl next to him. Then, he took it back and said, "And give".

Those kinds of stories are not the point though. I remember that he said that not because it was powerful or even because I agree (irrelevant); I remember that he said that because of who he is

I used to say that Kris Cooper lives the Gospel that the Apostle Paul wrote about. I think that that is still true. But, I think what actually happened is that I grew up and became a man under Kris Cooper's watch. I can talk about the Bible, funny stories, or how he is with his kids for many more pages (stories keep coming to mind). But, I'm not going to. I'm just going to say one more thing: we aren't close. We weren't close when I worked there. But, I still grew up and became a man under his watch. I doubt he will read this, but if anyone at Kamp does read it - tell him I said thanks.

Band of Brothers

2010-04-29T23:14:00.002-04:00

I have not yet seen Band of Brothers - as I write this episode 3 is ending. It didn't grab me like I thought it would, but is certainly growing on me.

This past weekend I had the privilege (?) of standing in front of Presbytery to finish the testing part of ordination. I won't bore you with the details - suffice to say it was semi-grueling, and my first question from the floor was about snake handlers at the end of Mark.

The beginning of the exam (the 5th of 5) asks you to share some of your story. Afterward a friend mentioned that there have been a lot of men in my life. So, I will (again) attempt to revive my blog in an attempt to think - and therefore appreciate - what these people (mainly men, but not exclusively) have meant to me as I look to turn 33 in a few weeks.

Any thoughts on categories?

Peers that I clearly learned from

Slightly-less-than-superhero-figures-like-Kris-Cooper

Family?

Authors?

Specific Mentors

Teachers who took some extra time

Sports Mentors?

Academic Mentors?

Pastor Mentors?

Men who probably wanted to beat me senseless but didn't (this list could overlap with others)?

I Love Pixar

2010-03-23T10:37:00.003-04:00

Therefore, this is in honor of my wife... Notice they stole my joke (not like it is a new joke) to name a dog with a human name. Ron would like Dug. If we got another dog we were going to name it Greg or Doug.

This Youtube Clip left out one of our favorite lines, "I can see why you would think that because I said it."

brush

2010-03-09T09:15:00.002-05:00

I like being married. Its weird and funny. Much harder than I thought, better than I thought, but the definition of 'better' might be different than I would have thought when single...

On Sunday in church Rachel sighed... it sounded like a "I'm mildly tired, not unhappy... just not feeling like going running" kind of a sigh (probably should have hyphenated that). I almost said to her, in sheer reaction, "You're right, we should go to Chipotle after church". I didn't. No more than 2 minutes later she whispered to me, "I was thinking Chipotle?" It was funny to me.

A few weeks ago we had a conversation that I wanted her to blog about, and she politely declined. I found the conversation funny so I will attempt to recreate it here.

Piece of information you need to know to understand: my hair is pretty thick, and short enough that most days I don't do anything to it. Literally: anything.

Rachel: So, is it weird that you never have to brush your hair?

Matt: ...

Rachel: It doesn't really occur to you does it? That most people brush their hair, and/or have to do things to it before they leave the house.

Matt: Not really.

Rachel: You used to brush it right?

Matt: Yeah, I think so. (In My head: that would be high school? Junior High?)

Rachel: But, you used to... so you have hair brushes right?

Matt: ... (gazing at her, not really smiling, but letting her piece it together)

Rachel: So, you did have them right?

Matt: right.

Rachel: Well, where are they now? The brushes?

Matt: ... (wait for it)

Rachel: You have no idea where they are, right? Even though there was a time in your life where you employed them?

Matt: Right. (In my head I am thinking that the last time I brushed my hair would have been at 29th and peoria in Tulsa. Last time I lived there would have been high school... no telling where any brushes are I guess...)

What I find interesting about marriage is that I can communicate so much with my wife, and yet she will never really understand what it takes for me (because the answer is: 'nothing it just happens') to have no idea where my hair brushes are. Because she doesn't lose things (although, when she does it stresses her out a lot more than it does me... because I lose things all the time). So - she understands so much without me having to say it, and yet my ability (let's just keep calling it an ability okay?) to lose things is still somewhat amazing to her.

I find that interesting. And funny.

Air

2010-03-02T16:14:00.003-05:00

I think I remember to breathe more now than I used to. I don't mean I used to not breathe, I mean I used to not breathe. Like, stop and take a breath breaths.

I'm posting this picture because I love my kids and I love my city. We went to the Confection Show at the Botanic Gardens on Saturday (you can see how much my kids liked the confections!), and ended up walking outside for awhile because it was just warm enough.

I still struggle with rhythms at home being so different than rhythms at work (and I have a people oriented job, I can't imagine what a pure results-driven job is like to come home from!) Meaning: it isn't easy to come home and just sit on the floor without checking my email and stuff, but is it is a good struggle - to sit and play, to sit and watch (when they are happily playing or reading). I don't know that I am better at reflection, but I am certainly more interested in it.

I don't know that I am a better father, but I am more interested in my kids. No, that isn't the right word. I am better able (slightly) to take a breath and remember how important they are. I think stuff still bugs me, and my movement from anxiety, to anger, to entitled "If I were in charge of the whole world it would run smoother" - thinking, is the same... But, I transition through it faster. This actually overlaps with my loathing of 270 - which many of you have assured me you share with me.

I don't know if my perspective is different. I just looked up perspective on my computer, and I was thinking of the second definition (which is about the way you see things colloquially), but the first definition is this:

1 the art of drawing solid objects on a two-dimensional surface so as to give the right impression of their height, width, depth, and position in relation to each other when viewed from a particular point [as adj. ] : a perspective drawing. See also linear perspective and aerial perspective .

In light of this, I do not think my perspective is different. I don't see the world differently. But, I believe more strongly in what I believed before I was sick. That kind of sounds arrogant... I don't mean to, I just don't know that I see the world differently as much as I am interested in looking longer. Or something.

Does this make any sense?

Thoughts?

Discuss...

B1Y

2010-02-19T23:24:00.002-05:00

So, today is/was my day off and I decided to shoot some baskets at the Rec. Center. As I was working out I decided that I should call my workout B41Y - B for basketball, 41 minutes for about how long I did it (really an hour, but I sat down once and shot about 60 free throws). The Y is for "Why the Hell would you do P90X when you could do B41Y?", but Rachel says the 90 is for how many days. So: B1Y is my workout; sounds more like a disease...

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed my kids a lot today - they are beautiful and funny and weird.

I sat at the landing of the stairs on the way to the playroom before bed, they threw things at me, I threw them back. It was all pretty fun until Julia threw a stroller. Seriously. No one was injured, but seriously? There were so many things in between the felt blocks and the plastic stroller. Oh well. I guess she threw some large stuffed animals as a warning first.

Rachel and I watched Frozen River. it just reminded me that movies make me a lot more tense than they used to. Redemption is strange in this movie, light enough to make you think it is believable, but as you go the fridge (google "Fridge logic", apparently it is an industry term) you think, "Nah.... but I liked it".

Then, I finished Hurt Locker. I don't know how I felt about it. Mainly because I was talking with an Iraq vet once when some guys asked him if he had seen it. How come people don't ask me if I have seen this or that movie about people who had cancer? Then ask, "I just wonder what you thought of it and if you thought it was realistic?" His response was light and awesome, "Well, do they just sit around for 90% of the time and then the other 10% is so crazy you can't even figure out how to talk about it? If that is the movie, seems like it would be boring, but realistic."

I'm being harsh, but not anecdotally. I am not mad at those guys; no one who hasn't been knows how to ask but we're all wondering. But, my friend the veteran (the one whose fault it is that I am reflecting on why/how/where I am different) compared my sickness with his being in Iraq. I don't really see the parallels. I mean I do, but I don't. They seem unnecessary.

How am I different? Movies are less important. I still enjoy them. My Valentine's Day Gift was a card to watch movies, and I am excited - especially for Iron Man II. A Friend said that while I am (was) sick lesser affections would fade. He was correct. They are back; but dim.

Perspective still seems shallow to me. I don't know that seeing Hurt Locker made me more or less empathetic to my friend. I'm just supposed to be empathetic (right? sympathetic would be if I could relate?).

I was trying to explain to the lady cutting my hair that my hair used to stick up. She said that people's hair changes every seven years. I let it go. She did a good job. If I had told her about how chemo kills all cells which make new cells fast she might have messed up my now-well-blended sides.

2 Things I have learned about myself

2010-02-17T08:43:00.003-05:00

At least part of the point of continuing to blog is to think, pray, and own the things about me that are different. If you think this is a bad plan you can blame Jeremy; it was essentially his idea.

1. I don't like 270 anymore. This might not be a post-cancer thing. If possible, I do not get on to 270. For instance, the drive to Seminary (at least from our old house, which you should buy) is shorter if you take 44 to 270. But, I don't anymore. Laura showed me the way up Rock Hill to McKnight (My wife also used this way when she worked at the hospital), and I just liked it better. The speed was easier to navigate, less inducing, a rhythm I could get on board with. I prefer five more minutes in the car to getting there faster but going from 70 to 9 intermittently.

2. I think I am less interested in perspective. This has been growing in me in some ways for a long time - like when people come back from Missions trips and their main thing is "how much they have here and how thankful they are". I think that that is true, and a good thing to learn but I don't think a change of perspective changes people. In this case I used to try and relate to people, or semi-consciously compare what I had been through with what they are going through/been through. I didn't mean to do it then, and now I consciously enjoy not trying to do it - I try to listen, be present, etc.

One of the ways this effects me is that in a lot of movies and media people have cancer. It is the disease of choice for the sick or dying person oftentimes. This makes avoiding it socially very difficult. I realized this when I was watching Up in the Air with a friend who is divorced: divorce is everywhere. My sister, who lost her father when she was 1, pointed out to me that fathers are everywhere.

I don't think there is a BIG TRUTH here. I am just sifting through little differences in me, and thinking about them.

The inappropriate movie quote after the media paragraph is from the second scene in Naked Gun, where Leslie Nielsen says, "Everywhere I go I see things that remind me of her."

Thoughts?

Discuss...

Just a couple of quotes

2010-02-12T19:53:00.003-05:00

HIghlights from today with my girls.

CKB, "Daddy, you should drink a beer. I will open it for you." (this is because she found the opener and asked what it was for this morning... this conversation is as I am cooking dinner). She opens the beer. "Now you may drink it." I complied.

CKB, "Daddy, I would like to wear my summer shirt - the one with butterflies, and flowers, and all of those beautiful things on it."

CKB, "Daddy, I would like to put on my Fairy Princess Costume so that I will look special for God."

CKB (after every time I put Julia to bed), "Daddy, I want another little sister."

The Magic House was also a lot of fun. Julia doesn't say a ton, but we had a ball today also. She loves Clifford.

Also found out I passed my ordination written tests today. Good feeling, thought I was going to have to sit down I was so relieved. Orals are in April.

As one my my prof's used to say, "I hope you have a good weekend, and a good Lord's Day."

Julie and Julia

2010-02-08T14:34:00.004-05:00

Judge me all you want, but I loved this movie.

It went about 20 minutes longer than my 80's-styled desire for a 91 minute movie with songs written just for that movie "Fletch is workin' overtime.... bit by bit..." Julie and Julia was funny, cute, the marriages were very real - there was some real life disappointment, but they didn't have to dwell on it or pretend it didn't affect them.

Plus, I rented it for free. that is right: insideredbox.com. Thanks Todd Johnson.

So, I have 3 minutes to finish this blog, but I did want to throw it up there (up here?). Julie and Julia inspired me. I know there are many of you that like my blog (you have pointed this out by sometimes mentioning you don't like when I write on the church blog... makes me laugh). My goal then, is to write. The sub-goal is for me to learn how I am changed. I was chatting with a friend the other night who was in Iraq, and he was encouraging me to own how I am different post-sickness. This has apparently been a helpful way for him to reflect - I was humbled that he would equate my sickness with war; very humbled. Rachel says it is one of the only things that has happened to me that I am unable to talk about without blanching... Chemotherapy specifically.

This will continue to be a random thoughts blog. I will write about movies, I will try to keep up my old church-correspondence with Bob Dillon, but my underlying post-Julie and Julia goal is to pay attention to how I am different.

As Chandler says to Monica when they realize they will have twins (through adoption), in response to Monica pointing out that he is panicking, "Join me, won't you!?"

I didn't realize I was weird about hair

2009-12-18T19:41:00.003-05:00

So, I have to run an Art Gallery in four minutes, but I have been meaning to blog.

I will list for brevity and clarity.

1. My facial hair is thinning. Meaning: there are spots on my chin and mustache that just don't have hair anymore... it grew back, then it decided it wasn't worth the effort apparently.

2. My hair came back flat, thin, and a bit wavy, maybe even a little darker. I Got used to it, loved not having to do anything to it, found it weird that it didn't stick up for the first time in 32 years (except for my long hair phase... )

3. Then, I got it cut a few days back and it seems to be back to sticking up again... maybe with a bit less flair (I don't like to talk about my flair), but it seems to be sticking up again.

4. Hair I could have lost well: ears, nose, chest.

Off to the Gallery, join us for a fun, affordable, and lively show.

HA! not my blog...

2009-11-17T11:23:00.001-05:00

that link was NOT my blog... hilarious. i don't think i have much in common with that person.

blazerfamily.blogspot.com

there you go.

happy monday everyone!

rachel

Leaves

2009-11-16T22:40:00.006-05:00

Our family had dinner with a number of friends on Saturday Night and we all spent some time talking about what we were thankful for.

I thought my wife had the most interesting/unique thought: she is thankful for St. Louis. She had a number of reasons, and even has her own blog. Maybe that should be her next writing topic.

I went next to last. I thought of a lot of things I am not thankful for. I am not thankful for my doctor's appointment tomorrow. Maybe I should be. I am not thankful for the familiarity of the seventh floor of Barnes Jewish Hospital. I am not thankful for the fact that we currently own two houses (although we certainly put ourselves in this spot). Do I need to say I am not thankful for Cancer? Probably not...

I am thankful for my kids. On Saturday we repeatedly got dirty playing in the leaves. I am thankful that I just sit and watch my kids more than I used to. I don't think I sucked at it before, but I didn't enjoy it like I do now. They are so beautiful, so destructive, so funny, so temperamental. A good speaker I have heard a few times states that of 100 people interviewed who were over 95 they almost inevitably came to 3 conclusions about what they wished they had done differently: risked more, reflected more, and done more for their legacy. This year has been about growing in the second one... which probably affects the 3rd one. And, the first one if you're operating with a good set of definitions.

I am also thankful for my wife, who I learned a lot about this year. But, when I got to that point of the "I am thankful for toast" I started crying and rambling.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I will remember to tell you, the faithful readers, how it went. If you feel like praying I would appreciate it.

PS - I fixed the link...

"Let's Kill Batman and have him for dinner"

2009-11-10T19:12:00.006-05:00

This is what Caroline said today as we returned from picking up Ron (our dog) at the groomer. It has been since the mid-Spring since he has been groomed. (the picture is the sunset on Friday Afternoon, the second one is the sunset on Saturday afternoon)

Batman is our cat.

I was unable to determine where she developed/heard the idea that we could 1. Kill things. 2. Kill our household pets. 3. Then eat them for dinner.

The point of this story: I like hanging out with my girls, they are fun and funny. The can also scream piercingly.

I promised my old friend Shelley that I would update my blog. That was yesterday. Tomorrow I have a CT Scan early in the morning, and then I will meet with Dr. Ridiculous next week. For those of you that don't know a CT Scan involves me drinking radioactive fluid, then being shot with radiation (not like the kind that reduces tumors in size). This is to determine whether or not I am sick. You're picking up the irony right?

I just looked up CT Scans on Wikipedia. It says that scans are going up in two demographics: adults and children. Who is left out exactly? Don't answer that.

In honor of my scan and the fact that I cannot eat/drink tomorrow morning (except for my iodine shake) I overate tonight. It was a lot less fun than I thought it would be. But, it was Spaghetti with grass-fed beef.

I have a beer stein that reads, "I kicked Cancer's butt". I like drinking from it because I appreciate the sentiment and I really appreciate the friend who gave it. I don't feel like I kicked cancer's butt.

When I drive back from the hospital tomorrow I will pass a billboard for another hospital that says, "Patients love us, cancer fears us." I do not like the billboard. I don't think it is true, I think it is kind of arrogant, but mostly I just don't like it. Unfortunately it is pretty bright.

I am working full time now and enjoying it. Parts of my job are still vague. My hair is strangely interested in laying down for the first time in my life, and it is a bit darker. Who knows if it will stay this way, but I don't ever spend time messing with it.

What did I learn from cancer? I don't know. I still don't know. I still don't like thinking about it. I still wonder how much Caroline remembers; she has a pretty good memory. What I tell people is, "What I thought about sickness and suffering before getting sick served me very well..." I still believe that. It has not really been added to. It doesn't seem like the Bible is interested in distinguishing between sickness/suffering; they aren't interchangeable but that just aren't talked about the way we talk about them today. Generally, they are assumed.

That's all I've got for the personal blog... Go read Rachel's, she is a better writer, quite profound, and puts up the greatest pictures of our kids ever...

Thanks for your friendships, thoughts, prayers, etc.

It is the little things

2009-10-17T16:07:00.002-04:00

Many people have enjoyed telling me that my hair might grow back differently. I am not sure why this puts me off, but it kind of does. Rachel is surprised that it does.

You didn't really think I didn't know about the hair right? Was this 'the thing' you knew about Chemotherapy? Not a big deal either way. Seriously. My hair is back: same color, very thick, but finer. Which means, as Fabbio would say, Ba ba ba ba ba ba baaaaaaa: it lays down. My hair usually won't lay down until it is several inches long. It it nice that it lays down, I like it better than I did.

As I think about 2009 and this season of sickness, 2 surgeries, and cancer I don't know that I have big answers when people ask big questions. My typical answer is that the things I thought about sickness/suffering before this season served me well while I was sick.

However, I'm writing today to talk about some of the little things. Some are connected with the side effects of Chemotherapy, and some not. For instance, during week 3 (I think) a nurse was giving me Bleomycin (the 2nd worse drug, or 2nd best depending on how you look at it). She mentioned, without making eye contact, that I could never scuba dive again. I don't Scuba dive really. I have done something near it maybe 3 times and don't want to get certified. But, she had just passed her Chemotherapy Board Thing for Nurses and remembered that those who get B can't scuba dive (or get pure oxygen if I am hospitalized again). It bugged me. Scuba Diving is just a little thing, but who is she to take that away from me? What is this B (incidentally, "B" is the kind of Chemo Lance turned down because it effects your lungs) and when did it receive such power over my underwater endeavors?

Well, I'm working through my issues with all of these questions and wanted to share some little things about today.

I can now do push ups. Again, a little thing. I don't do a lot of push ups anyway, but since my March surgery (and then subsequent May surgery) I have been unable because of pain in my abdomen. Women who have had a c-section know what I'm talking about. I tried to do some last week and could not. Now I can.

I had a cigar today as I mowed the lawn. I did not use the little cigar holder mom got me for the lawn mower because it is not as efficient as it claims. Nevertheless I had one. Cigars seemed abhorrent when I was sick (and I wasn't allowed... the "B" again). It was a pleasant cigar, cheap.

I had two beers today. One after mowing the lawn, and one after riding our stationary bike (with Rachel makes me ride in the Storage Room because she is crazy about these flecks on our basement floor). Beer sounded awful to me when I was sick. I had one (thanks Ty), and it didn't taste good. Today, they tasted amazing. One was a Schlafly Pilsner, and one a New Belgium (courtesy of my mother in law, thanks Shirley).

I finished Donald Miller's New Book today. When I was sick I couldn't read. I don't know how to explain, and don't particularly want to but my desire to read went south. I only read when I had to for class.

I am about to go shave. When I have time (like on Saturday), shaving is a very relaxing thing for me. I wash my face, rub hot water, put on the cream, etc. When I was sick, I obviously didn't have the need to shave (if you didn't notice, I only held on to my arm and eye-brow hair). It sort of made me doubly sad. Now, my facial hair grows and I need to shave it. A strange, but welcome blessing.

As I finish shaving I will play with my girls the rest of the day. This is not little a little thing, and I did not stop playing with them when I was sick. I was unable sometimes, but that desire did not fade. Nevertheless, I am so happy to have renewed energy to be with them.

I usually don't blog/email/get on line on Saturday, as it is my Sabbath. But, I felt moved by the number of little things that have crept back into my life. I hope and pray that you have a good weekend, and a good Lord's day tomorrow. I hope there are little things that you enjoy that you have time for today.

-Matt

Why I love Office Space

2009-10-12T10:43:00.008-04:00

I love it because Mondays are hard.

I want to get up and be spiritual, but I am thinking about my week. So, i pray some, then organize some, then start thinking through the week... And i have only just begun to drink coffee.

I got to hang out with Julia for about an hour in between Caroline getting dropped off for school and my attempts to begin my work week (I should probably focus on the fact that Sunday is supposed to be the first day...). Hanging out with Julia made it even harder because she is just easy and fun. And, when Caroline is not around she has the funniest sneaky smile on her face all the time. "I can play on Caroline's bed" (Is what I think it means), "I can play with Caroline's fairies", "I can get out as many of Caroline's stuffed animals as I want... And I don't even want more than four, but that is more than I usually get."

Anyway, it isn't the easiest of days to get my head or heart around. I couldn't even finish buying plane tickets because the swing in the prices between Monday and Wed. of Thanksgiving threw me off too much... Hilarious.

Anyway, while we all meditate on the annoying-ness of Mondays: here are some pictures of Caroline that I took while she was "flying". And, the explanation of why my basketball didn't make it to my basketball game on Sunday Afternoon.

A Better Picture of Simon

2009-10-02T15:45:00.001-04:00

See why I wanted just Julia? Simon is good looking, but Julia is down right awesome.

2009-10-02T15:34:00.002-04:00

This picture is posted in honor of Simon, who does love our girls a lot. They mostly love him :)

How do we play well? For me it simply means looking at my girls when I am with them, listening to them when they talk, and trying to not think about work, my next meeting, or what I'm going to do when they are napping. I want to be a father who plays well. So, in the Spirit of that I let Caroline play in this fountain for 30 minutes yesterday as we were leaving the zoo. I had to take her down after she wouldn't stop splashing Tyler. I'm pretty sure Tyler would not have been allowed on the fountain, except that his dad didn't know how to equitably say "no" when a 3 year old girl was on top of this fountain. I don't know if you can tell, but it is about four feet high.

The result: Caroline became very wet. The reason that is okay: she might have already been wet.

My brother said keep a running list of questions, Anna said post pictures, Simon whined that he got cut out (or, I made Julia the center of the picture...). I suppose I am trying to keep everyone happy. I do like blogging. If you follow me on Twitter/FB you would also see that I am finally happy with the thickness of my hair...

Enough. As my favorite professor used to say, "Have a good weekend, and a good Lord's Day." Even if you don't think he was LORD, it is still cool that for absolutely no astronomical reason we observe a 7 day week. Must be some other compelling reason. At any rate, have a good weekend.

Steak N Shake Date

2009-10-01T10:47:00.001-04:00

So, I liked Steak N Shake a lot in college and I don't know why.

But, I took my daughters the other day and they loved it as far as I could tell.

I like the idea of my blog, but don't know how to proceed. First it was a random thoughts blog. Then, it was co-authored by my wife as we sought to inform people about my sickness (which is over by the way).

What do we do now?

Thoughts???

Discuss...

Skull

2009-09-14T08:26:00.002-04:00

Rachel spent Saturday painting the house. This meant two things: One, I was with the girls all day (awesome) and two we needed to not be in the house in case there was a showing (sometimes awesome). So, we went to the zoo. There were highlights: we waited five minutes on the Black Rhino and he then came out. There were lowlights: we missed the Cheetah running by 13 seconds (twice).

But, in the insectarium was the story I have been asked to share. I always try to get to the back quickly, because if I want to look at bugs I can go to my windows or basement. But, at the back there is a butterfly house that is cold and full of butterflies - a winning combination to be sure.

As the three of us are walking Caroline tells me she wants Ariel. Ariel is a small doll of the princess, Ariel the ex-mermaid. I knew we had brought her in from the stroller, but we re-traced our steps back, watching the ground the entire way and Caroline becoming more and more panicky. As it turns out she was not panicking because I couldn't find Ariel, but because she knew where Ariel was, but had forgotten to help me begin the search there. Ariel had been jammed into a Cow's Skull in the insectarium. The skull houses a long centipede. I was not excited about this endeavor. There is glass between the bug and the eye, or in this case there was a bed of glass for our wayward princess. My hand was not fitting down either eye socket as Caroline became more and more frantic. I tried to use my keys. For what, I cannot exactly say but they appeared like a loose collection of tools in an otherwise hopeless situation, so I tried them. Nothing. Tried my pen. With my pen I could actually push Ariel. So, I stabbed her a few times out of spite.

This was when a nice young lady rescued us with her small hands. She pulled Ariel out and Caroline did her the amazing dignity of looking into her eyes to say thank you.

Then we hung out with the butterflies and went home. I also scared Julia to death trying to keep her awake in the car. It is so sad when you scare them so much they obviously forget to cry. And, this picture is of Caroline with the Black Mamba. Why does she love the Black Mamba? Is it because we let her watch Kill Bill so many times?

Quick Update and a GREAT picture

2009-09-11T10:33:00.003-04:00

I am feeling great. Sometime in November I will get a CAT scan, but I had one before Chemo and it didn't find anything. So... Please know/remember that I am cured. The best and latest study on the kind of cancer I HAD would give me a 1/200 chance of a recurrence, and then they would kill that.

I started work full time at the church last week, so that has been a transition for the family. Caroline is in Pre-School 3 days a week, half days. Julia is awesome, and this is her favorite pass-time when Caroline is at school: interacting with things Caroline would never let her interact with!

We are still trying to sell our current house and finish working on our new house. We got such a good price it will only not make sense if it takes us a year to sell our current house. NEVERTHELESS, we would love for it to sell soon! When the new place is ready we will probably price-to-sell.

I don't know when Rachel and I will feel like we can close the book/chapter/season of sickness. My hair is growing, but it is very thin. People still ask all the time how we are doing with plenty of cancer-emotion in their voice. We made all of the rounds to see family. Now we want to stop traveling forever... :)

I think the blog is about to become 'just a blog again'. I don't foresee Rachel writing on it soon, but maybe she plans to and I just don't know about it. She does have a compelling message about, 'if recovery equals being back to normal we will never "recover"...' Which I thought was accurate in more ways than one. She didn't mean we aren't healed, just that we will always live with this season/story.

Thoughts???

Discuss...

Catharsis

2009-08-03T20:59:00.003-04:00

Rachel went to work on the new house today and I decided to take the girls to the park.

Caroline and I reason together a lot (it helps 27% of the time), and I asked her, "Which park do you want to go to?" And, she said, "The bug park". For those of you who don't know, that is Larsen Park. There is a section that has bugs on the ground, and it is a good park because Julia can crawl some before she starts eating dirt and sticks.

I packed pretzels, 2 packs of peanut butter crackers, one sippy-cup of Grape Juice and a jug of back up, craisins (Cranberries... shrunk. I think), 2 board books, 2 regular books, 2 princesses, one australian shepherd, and one mickey toy. Did I mention I was going to try to run for the first time? Well, I did. First run since May. 2 steps our of our drive way I was already breathing as though I had been running (fast) for 20 minutes. This means that I was taking one breath for every two steps. Right, left - breathe in - right left - breathe out. Sounds sort of like Mr. Miyagi (and I have been likened to Ralph Macchio, especially when I was thinner). The breathing worried me that I wouldn't make it off of our street.

I made several time and distance commitments as I pushed our double stroller through the first block. By Belleview it had been 25 minutes and I walked the rest of the way. Success.

It was cathartic.

A few weeks ago I re-read "We Don't Live Here Anymore" by my favorite author Andre Dubus. In the last section/novella "Finding a Girl in America" the protagonist, Hank Allison, is running with his friend Jack after he has been deeply hurt deeply by a woman. At the end of their run he yells, "I can't get catharsis!!!" (Jack and Hank are both English professors, so they can yell 'catharsis' out loud I guess). He then tells Jack about the event, and then there is a bit of sorely needed redemption in Hank's story.

Every time frame I can think of - today, this week, this month, this year, this season, my time in St. Louis - needs some cleansing. Today I went running and it felt good. It was cathartic towards all of those time frames, in the small but effective way that exercise is. I wanted to share with you that it felt good. Cleansing.

My grandma recently asked me to not forget that I have a blog. Mom doesn't looks at the dates and was all confused about an earlier post (she thought it was about her... silly mom). Some hair has started growing back. Not much, but some. My appetite went to a normal place about four days ago (I can be full now). We have seen 2 of the 3 groups of family we are planning to see, and the next one begins next Monday. I killed my phone again today so if you need to get in touch email or call the home phone.

some pictures...

2009-08-01T09:11:00.009-04:00

Caroline has been dancing & singing "Once Upon A Dream" from Sleeping Beauty. Apparently, Princess Aurora lives in my house & I didn't know it! And she's naked.

Matt & Julia at the Zoo (Herpetarium- our girls like the reptile house ALOT).

Julia seems to be enjoying it more than Daddy.

Caroline & Julia are starting to be able to play together... it's pretty fun!

Yes, Caroline wears clothes sometimes- I promise.

I just like this picture of Julia.

Happy first day of August, everyone!

-rachel

Parade of kids

2009-07-29T09:37:00.002-04:00

It is 8:38 as I write this blog. I am drinking my second cup of coffee, my girls are watching "Sleeping Beauty" and eating cereal with me (and eating gummy vitamins and drinking juice).

If my head wasn't cold I think I would feel the same as I did in the Spring.

There are still random side effects. If my stomach has nothing in it I feel slightly sick. However, 'slightly sick' is nothing compared to... Well, you know. The ringing in my ears has gone down a lot. I think my energy is increasing. I can't drink carbonated drinks quickly, but they are tasting better.

Last week we saw some of Rachel's family, and this week and in two weeks we are seeing my family. It is hilarious, because the visits are seemingly about me - but they are really just family coming together and always end up being a lot about our kids. I kind of expect the time to be about me, but I don't think I really want it to be. If I am honest I feel disappointed, then relieved. I think this week will be like that. I love my family and it will be fun, but most of my energy will be put towards my girls and that is like the side effects going away - the world is returning to 'normal'. In this case 'normal' means "without cancer".

I owe a lot of people phone calls. I think Tom tops the list. I have to finish a class during this family time. But, I finished a longer systematic theology class during Chemo - surely that was harder!

Anyway, I just wanted to throw an update out there. Many have mentioned wanting to hear from Rachel. I'm sure she will post again when she has the energy! We're beginning to think about what we learned, but in a lot of ways we're holding off those thoughts until 2010 (or later). If we ever land on anything we will let you know. For now we are glad that the 'treatments' are over.

I was looking for a new picture of Julia scratching the crap out of my hairless head, but it doesn't appear to be on the computer yet. She is very randomly violent... Maybe I will can find it later and post it. She looks happy and I look like there are ten wasps on my head.

Bathtime

2009-07-18T23:43:00.003-04:00

Today Rachel (Matt writing) went to visit some friends in the hospital and bring them dinner. It is actually their son who is sick, and if you have the time they could use your prayers also.

Anyway, so I bathed Julia first because Caroline asked me to Caroline does not like baths as much as she has in the past even though we have taken to calling them "Fairy Princess Bubble Baths". So, Julia was clean, lotioned, pajamed, and playing while Caroline was playing (she actually wanted to play... which is slightly less amazing than the fact that she did not cry when I shampooed and Conditionered her hair).

Julia and I played in her room for awhile and then went to big sister's room where there are more toys. Of course Julia doesn't know what to do with many of them so she was simply handing them to me. As I sat on the floor I realized I was stretching my head to hear Caroline make noises (it is easy to hear her in Julia's room, but much harder in her room). To make matters worse she was actually dunking a bottle and letting bubbles out of it. So, I would stretch my head and hear just bubbles... Nerve wracking!

I finally said, "Caroline, I need you to say 'I'm okay Daddy'." She had been listening well all day and she sort of whispered, "I'm okay Daddy..." but I heard her. Its amazing to know that she hasn't ever really had an accident in the tub, she is a very careful kid, etc. Her whispering that just made me sigh deeply in relief. And, I decided since I was the parent and didn't need an anxiety attack - Julia and I could play in Julia's room where I would worry less. Chances are lower that she would indulge me a second time with the "I'm okay Daddy".

It occurred to me that many of you who read this might need to hear me say that I am okay. I am. My appetite is fantastic (well, it is selective but interested in a lot of whatever it wants... lately pizza). Today I was helping a friend move and had a cup of coffee. It was maybe my third cup since beginning Chemo, and my first that I drank all of. I also didn't eat much breakfast and it didn't kill me (the appetite works in multiple ways usually... I HAD been feeling queasy anytime my stomach was empty. See previous Facebook update of the four plates of nachos that came after dinner). I have started reading again (Dubus). I finished my have-to-go-on-campus-class. I'm even planning on doing some work on our fence tomorrow after church. I talked to a friend today and she was just so relieved to hear that I was doing well. I hope you are too. Thank you for your time, your prayers, your thoughts, those who brought us a blueberry pie, those who have planned parties for us, those who want to plan parties, those who facebook, those who call... I could go on and on. Thank you. This isn't my last blog or anything, but I just feel a lot better and wanted you to know.

Ah-Da (Julia, "All done")

2009-07-07T21:26:00.002-04:00

Today was my last day of Chemotherapy. The doctor is very confident that this is it. Rachel is even more confident. Last week some people were asking me how they can help her, and I just kept thinking, 'She just needs Chemo to be over... Can you make it next Tuesday?' Well, Tuesday is here, I had treatment this morning at 10:00, and we're all downhill.

I played basketball last night and it continues to be a nice gift. Although my friend Matt got slapped in the face and headbutted... But, we won and I played effectively (didn't have to foul anybody to get out of the game like 2 weeks ago).

My girls are so fun to hang out with. We went to the park this evening and they are a lot of fun. Ron even got to Whomp a lab that came running to him (Ron broke out of his leash... you should see him after he gets to whomp a dog, he is so happy...).

Julia is starting to "express" herself a bit more. Which means she scratches and claws when not being heard. Caroline is listening better (and worse), and becoming far more interesting.

I should say something REALLY inspiring, but we are just so glad to be done. I wonder if we have been inspiring to any of the nurses or doctors. I kind of doubt it. Apparently my chemo is pretty rigorous and they usually just felt sorry for me.

I will continue to do school this summer. My next CAT scan is in November or December (remember I had one after surgery and they couldn't see the cancer then). My next meeting with the doc will be at the end of August. My overall recovery should take about a month - including hair.

Thank you for your prayers, notes, meals, thoughts, etc.

Tired

2009-07-02T19:56:00.002-04:00

I just got a nice email from an old friend and I just found myself (this is actually Matt writing) telling him I was tired. I could tell you about side - effects. We could speak of the cumulative effects that make this week harder than it might be on paper (a "non-intense week" is how we have been referring to it when I only get treatment on Tuesdays for an hour). The reality is that we are tired.

It doesn't help that we are trying to sell our house. But, sometimes it makes our days simpler - when we have a showing we have a couple of things we do.

I am still in wonder of the fact that Rachel deals with my side - effects as though she had them. I mean, she doesn't feel sick but she is so emotionally affected. I told her today that it would be simpler if she didn't love me. I haven't read (except for school - which I am passing... and only passing) in a month. I don't enjoy TV. Rachel mowed the lawn today.

We can do this. One more Tuesday and then about a month of recovery. But we are tired. We think some about how we would respond to friends in the future after having gone through this season. you can ask us about that some other time, we have some tentative conclusions. Which is slightly ironic because intentionality seems to be a common thread with those who love us well.

Thank you again for your help, for meals, for phone calls and facebooks. Thank you more for your prayers. We are tired but we are okay.

aorist

2009-06-30T12:37:00.001-04:00

Did you know I HAD cancer?

Even as we slough through the last two weeks of treatment I hope it encourages you.

I had a friend correct another friend a few days ago. They cannot find my cancer. But, because it is a germ cell they want to be as certain as possible.

I will try to be very careful with my verb tenses. I had cancer. I am still going through Chemo, but as far as my oncologist can tell I don't have cancer.

Be encouraged.

2 more...

2009-06-27T00:01:00.005-04:00

2 more short treatments & then done. or, "aw dun" as julia says as she sweeps her food to the floor. the next 2 tuesdays are still unpleasant in different, somewhat more manageable ways- bleomycin doesn't have the same effects as the cisplatin or etoposide. matt feels pretty awful right now... will start to feel somewhat better tomorrow afternoon (no one will put more poison in him tomorrow, which will help tremendously). hopefully he will be able to eat more by sunday, although he has done a great job of trying to eat here & there & keep drinking fluids. smart man- and very strong. you know how you feel when you have the flu? doesn't scratch the surface of what he's been dealing with each day (and night), and he's still pushing through. i'm amazed.

i'm also amazed by the fact that i'm still learning things about him. we've been married almost 6 years; shouldn't we be experts on each other by now? well, apparently not. i had no idea that he is an almost hopeless optimist. i think it is serving him well in some ways- hoping for the best possible outcome from each surgery & treatment is surely more healthy than assuming the worst. it can also be more painful to get bad news when you've been solely focused on the good... but i think it works for him. i'm not wired that way- i kind of ride the fence between optimism and pessimism. not expecting things to be the worst they can be, but certainly not holding onto the most positive outlook. matt is good for me in this way.

i went running tonight for the first time since his diagnosis (real running- no stroller, just me & ron). it felt really good- very normal, very familiar. i listened to music i haven't heard in months, sprinted up a few hills, smelled some fantastic flowers in the humid night air. i also sweated A LOT. the air temperature has dropped, but the pavement did not get the message- waves of sticky, steamy air pouring out of the street. it was pretty awesome. do you associate smells with certain times in your life? sticky-summer-night-running smells remind me of high school track. it's a good memory.

someone asked me yesterday where i am with God in all of this. i thought it was a strange question because i don't think i change "where i am with God" depending on my circumstances. but i understand what she was asking. i am not angry & bitter with Him; neither am i feeling utterly safe & close with Him. i am not having incredible hours of intimacy with Him each morning; neither am i giving Him the silent treatment. i could be seeking Him more & asking for growth & wisdom. but i am still listening, and i don't feel alone or abandoned or empty. that's saying alot about our Lord, i think. and it is enough.

Thoughts

2009-06-24T15:49:00.004-04:00

i have been thinking about writing some things for a while now... not anything profound, really. as we continue living & moving through this strange messy time, i am looking ahead to 1 year, 5 years and 10 years from now. how will i be different because of what we are experiencing now? how will i respond in 6 months when someone i love is going through a similar process? what would i do differently if i could have known the whole story from start to finish?

i don't know.

i know a few things:

1. i married an incredible man. he is just really brave & honest about his cancer and what it is like to go through chemotherapy. he continues to love me well and encourage me as his wife and as a parent. he seeks time with each of our daughters to play and read and snuggle. i think caroline may remember this time when daddy had no hair and went to the doctor a lot, but it will not be an oppressive or troubling memory for her. and he looks hotter bald than most men look with hair! HA!

2. Matt has amazing friends (so do i, but i don't have cancer). i'm seriously impressed with the maturity, sensitivity, intentionality, and loyalty of the men (and women) who love him. thank you.

3. i don't know how to let people help us- and i mean that in the literal sense- there really is so little i can let people do! my girls are getting the maximum amount of babysitting they can take without feeling abandoned by me, so i can't really accept any of the 100's of generous offers for child care. i still have time and desire to cook and clean my house (no choice there- we are selling our home and have showings almost daily), so i don't really need meals or help with housework. and matt can't really eat much, so it might just be overkill to have them anyway. there are times when i have asked for help with things not relating directly to me, matt or my kids and i have not received the help i sought. so i don't really know what to think. i do ask when i need it and sometimes it's easier to do it myself.

i guess what i'm afraid of is that i'm not letting our friends love us, but i don't know what i should be doing differently.

4. i'm completely okay with saying "i am fine" when asked "how are you?" there is, of course, more to how i'm doing, but i really am okay. not to play Pollyanna, but i can see the bright side of what we're dealing with here. matt feels worse than i ever could have imagined, but it's the treatment that is making him sick, not the cancer. the treatment will be over soon, the cancer will be gone (according to all reputable sources), and not every cancer patient has this kind of experience. many people are receiving treatment in hope of shrinking their cancer and prolonging their life: we have never heard those words in regard to matt's disease. i don't have to sit by my husband and watch him be miserable and know that he may not get better- that would be excruciating and i would not be able to handle it. but he is being healed- i can handle that.

i'm not sure i have said everything i wanted to say. i'm pretty sure i'm not being an inspiration or gaining any incredible wisdom to share with all of you from this experience. i hear that a lot- "go read _____'s blog- she's such an inspiration!" i don't know that i'm interested in that. i do care about communicating with those that love us, so that's what this is....

thanks for loving us- we love you, too.

-rachel

Batman: Object of Wrath

2009-06-22T15:41:00.002-04:00

This morning I came into the kitchen and Batman had turned over the trash can. He used to do this a lot, until we got an un-tip-overable trash can... well, we have moved that to the basement, and I cooked us some trout last night (with a brown sugar glaze... it was good Rachel made bread and pasta to go with it). So, he was looking for the remnants of the trout.

I hit him. In the shoulder. Because he was nudging me, asking for food as I was picking up the 40 pieces of tin foil he had shredded looking for some trout.

It is the second time I have hit the cat.

Rachel is so gracious. She is glad I don't hit people. Really, she is just willing to separate Batman and I for awhile if need be... I think I could grow up and not hit this strange little animal who happens to live in our house (cats aren't pets, they are just animals we like). But this morning, first day of intense Chemotherapy, I probably don't have time to make the fried egg sandwich I have been dreaming about... and there is this cat. So I hit him.

Oh well. I will let him sit on me later (he seems to still want to cuddle anyway later).

Today is going fine. I can feel the Chemo coming in (saline flush begins in 30 minutes). This will be a difficult week, and then it will be over. Rachel was encouraging me not to make big resolutions (forcing myself to eat, etc.) and I think she is wise. So, we're just going to get through the week.

If you're bored at work I preached yesterday. www.riversidestl.org I think I said what I was trying to say. And, Chemo makes others things less stressful so I wasn't going crazy trying to make it perfect. I couldn't fit cancer into the "Blessed are the meek" part of the sermon, but I thought it fit easily into the, "for they shall inherit the Earth" part.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts and phone calls. This week will be hard. We will call if we need things. If you see an animal tied to a stake in front of our house with a "free" sign, call Rachel and asked if she authorized it. If you need direction for prayer... please pray that the hours would go quickly.

Hotter than Bruce

2009-06-20T12:02:00.003-04:00

just thought there needed to be a picture of matt... he looks pretty good, but i may be biased.

i have some thoughts brewing. i may write another post later...

Bruce

2009-06-16T11:55:00.002-04:00

One of my friends shaved his head. Partly for solidarity, and partly because his head looks good that way. He said we could call him Bruce. Is it true that a producer just saw him in a bar and hired him for Moonlighting?

I will ask Cha Cha.

So, my hair is falling out. Its weird. But, it is part of the process. Chemo kills all cells which make new cells quickly. Mom will give you every adverb and adjective you want to hear about how the Chemo is getting EVERY cell.

Today at 4:00 I am 50% finished with Chemo. This is a non-intense week, week 3 total, treatment number 7, and 'B' treatment 3. Next week is the last intense week (of 2) of Chemo. It seems less scary, just necessary and there.

Simpler prayers make more sense to me. I pray the LORD's prayer more than I used to. I am thankful to the answers I received before this. I lean on them, and do not feel like revisiting them now. Maybe in 2010. I have a book on suffering on my shelf. It is still interesting to me as an idea, but I am not picking it up right now.

Church is a funny place for me. I struggle to walk people through my own weakness. When they do a double take and ask, with great feeling, "How are you doing?" I struggle to know how to respond. I don't think it is bad that they ask, I don't think it is bad that I have found out I am incapable of saying "Fine." It is just hard.

Of course last Sunday I couldn't go because my face was covered with Poison Ivy. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I NEEDED, we didn't have anything else going on so how about some poison ivy... It seems funny to me now (since it is mainly not itching anymore; thanks Prednizone).

Anyway, that's my update for today. Have a good Tuesday.

Cumulative

2009-06-11T20:58:00.003-04:00

So, let's clear some things up about the librarian. Did she charge me: no. Was she helpful: yes. But, did she think (I suppose based upon the twinkle in my eye) that I had a good excuse for not returning the book: no. That's it.

So, I haven't been blogging because I don't feel good. And, because I have started taking my summer class. It is all I can do to sit there. I don't even multi-task (huge for me), I just listen, take some notes, leave periodically, come back, and then go home and nap.

I thought the "B" wouldn't be a big deal because it just takes 10 minutes to give it to me, because the side effects seems like they are either crazy or not a big deal (so I was gambling on "not a big deal"). The "B" still sucks. You don't want details!

I do have a small appetite. My sleep has been improving a little. I have given up all the details of the things I do for the church - and my teams have been great about it, especially the Art Team. There are a lot of details to making an Art Gallery happen and my team is amazing. Now, I just hope people show up and buy art. I have given the point person the freedom to use the "Chemo Card" to keep artists in line. I believe she has pulled it out once with great effect.

Some stats:

Weeks finished: 2

Weeks remaining: 4

Treatments finished: 6

Treatments remaining: 8

My Fairy Name according to Caroline: Silver Mist (lately Terrence, but usually Silver Mist, the most effeminate Fairy). Julia is usually Vidia (the evil one), and Rachel is usually Raini but Rachel gets to be most of the Fairies. Caroline is usually Tinkerbell.

My shooting percentage on Monday Night (Basketball... wasn't sure I should play, but they say exercise helps): 100%, 2-2, one 3, one lay up. We won. 2-0 with Cancer-Blazer. 0-3 without him.

GPA Last Semester: 3.32

GPA every other Semester put together: 3.31

Professors Suspected of giving "Cancer A's": 2 (one highly)

Number of people at the Seminary who would bend over backwards to make my life easier: every staff person I come into contact with. Literally, every one.

That's all i got. Thanks for reading. If you're praying thanks even more for praying. If you're forgiving me for not calling you back - thanks for that too.

Yours,

Matt

Librarians

2009-06-08T11:28:00.001-04:00

So, I was asking a librarian about an overdue book. And, I swore to her I had a series of really good excuses for not returning this book.

She did not believe me (that the excuses were good)

So, next time should I say, "I have had one surgery and 2 weeks of Chemo since then and the book dropped on my priority list. Thank you for your help." ???

Thoughts?

Discuss...

4:00 AM

2009-06-08T04:57:00.002-04:00

So, this is actually Matt writing (don't get too excited those fans-of-Rachel-writing).

I woke up at 3:00 because Adavan is a decent nausea drug, that has this perk of causing drowsiness. However, when it is done you wake up (if you are me).

So, I'm going to blog quickly then go back to bed (where it is at least warm - ask our Mother's in Law about how cold it is at our house).

Everyone should be encouraged that I ate two real meals today. One was somewhat ill-advised (Eggs Benedict at Firstwatch - trying to stick it to the man), but was okay. The other was an easy-on-the-family night at Olive Garden. I ate slowly, salad tasted like cardboard, but I found myself enjoying the spaghetti. By the end of the meal I did not feel nauseous. That is the first time in 7 days! After we got home I even polished off the leftovers (even after Chemo I'm trying to abide by my new book).

School Tomorrow. Chemo-Lite on Tuesday. Two more weeks before the LAST round of Sucky-Chemo.

Rachel and I also decided my birthday was okay for Chemo, over and against say Christmas or Thanksgiving (Holidays I like more... is my birthday a holiday???)

Anyway, I hope you're encouraged, as we were.

Mean Friday

2009-06-05T10:24:00.002-04:00

So, I take the stairs to the 7th floor of the Siteman Cancer Center. Because everyone says exercise helps. And it does. Yesterday we walked for about an hour after I got home, and I felt better (not 'good' mind you). Some of the nurses and workers up here try to get you to be happy, and some make faces that understand, and some make faces that make me think that they think that Ron just died (Ron is my dog, and he is unhappy these days, but very alive).

At the reception desk, where I get a pager, she said, "How are you doing?" And, I said, "You know what happens when I go back there right?" And, she said, "But, today's Friday!" And I said, "That I can get on board with... Yes, I am happy it is Friday."

Today marks the end of the first intense round of Chemo. Next week and the week after I only get one dose on Tuesdays (just two hours), and all it does is give me a fever... Sheesh, I will take a fever! So, apparently 24-48 hours after Chemo it will be out of my system - so that is exciting. By this time tomorrow I will feel crappy still, but I will feel crappy at home and I can take my family (or just my dog) on a walk. Walking sort of feels like my body is choke-slamming the nausea - it is still there, but further away.

By the way, this blog is supposed to make you smile or at least know that everything is okay. I can do this. The intense week is almost over, the view is nice, it took my four tries to eat my Chipotle Burrito from Wednesday but it is now gone.

Mom and I were commiserating that we would rather be grown in character through a conference or a book, but we are okay with this too. I think my whole family would ditto that. It hasn't been an easy couple of years for really any side of the family - although I don't think any of them begrudge me getting cancer. Anyway, thank you for your thoughts and prayers and concerns. Thank you to Ty for driving me today, thank you to those who have brought me lunch, thank you to Margie and Anne who watched Julia (although that isn't hard... she is pretty agreeable as long as you know where the yogurt is) so Rachel could come up here, thank you to those who did not bring me lunch because the thought of seeing a person or food actually made me feel worse. Thank you to the two young men who painted my fence yesterday.

Chemo sucks, but we need to do it (and i know that many of you are feeling it with us because of your affection for us - not just family). Chemo sucks, but it will be over in about five weeks. I can do anything for five weeks.

Thursday

2009-06-04T12:41:00.002-04:00

I'm drinking Cranberry Juice, looking our over the Central West End in St. Louis.

I have had 3 rooms in Barnes Jewish Hospital, and the view was good in each one.

So, I keep trying to motivate myself to do school work. Not happening. Every once in awhile I try to come up with a witty or encouraging blog post. Not happening.

Many of you say I am brave. I don't think so. I think I'm just doing what needs to be done.

The good news is that the next two weeks are significantly easier. Even though I have another long day tomorrow. Chemo sucks, I continue to appreciate your prayers and thoughts.

Better

2009-06-02T14:45:00.002-04:00

So, the "feel good" part seems to come in waves.

I slept all morning (after not sleeping well last night and being sick this morning), and then got a couple of visitors for lunch (you are of course only supposed to have one at a time, so Martin had to hide behind the door when nurses came in). I didn't think I would want to see them, but it was nice and I perked up enough to eat some Jimmy John's.

Today will be a long day as I have to monitored while receiving the Bleomycin.

I don't know how I'm doing. I think we're just knuckling down and getting it done. I'm going to continue with school, we're still working and playing with our kids; except now I sometimes have to leave the park to be sick... But, then I come back feeling better. And, I can chase Caroline. There were several post-surgery weeks where there was no chasing. I think I would rather be sick once/twice a day and still be able to chase her.

There is nothing like a round of cisplatin (The "p" in BEP Chemo) to make you realize how much you like reading 3 Curious George stories to your 3 year old. Although, I have come to really question the Man in the Yellow Hat. Not only is he absent and irresponsible, I'm not sure his relationships with married women are appropriate. Do you know more about his vacations with Mrs. Needleman?

Anyway, thank you again for your prayers, thoughts, messages, etc.

Last night when I couldn't sleep I came up with some really profound words about being a Christian and having cancer. Apparently they have left me.

Essentially I think I am more thankful for the Christian posture I am continually trying to adopt. I do not think this posture offers me "meaning" in a grand way that other postures do not. But, I do think that my hope in the redemption of the world is still connected with my hope for healing - now or later. I understand that I (we) will be grown through this process, and while I (we) would rather be grown through advice, or books, we are willing to submit to our growth as participants in what Jesus is doing to redeem the world.

I wonder about my conviction towards this next time I am sick. But, I do believe it and am comforted that my mess is okay, I am known and loved, and that - even amidst cancer - my family has a role to play in putting the world back to rites.

Day Two

2009-06-02T12:22:00.002-04:00

I do not feel well.

Which is why some of you are not receiving calls back or emails back.

I don't have texts anymore either.

Yesterday was okay - some nausea, then good times with the girls and enjoyed playing basketball (we won - which always helps, I air-balled a shot and felt I had some very good excuses lined up).

Today is all three of the Chemo-Therapies. Suck. This is still better than cancer, but definitely not fun.

Mystique killed: Day One

2009-06-01T10:05:00.003-04:00

So, I am sitting in the Chemo Room. The schedule says I have a private room the other four days of this week.

My thought is that since so many of you check the blog, and I will be sitting here a lot - I should update the blog a lot.

I am currently being hydrated - which takes two hours. Getting some magnesium to go with the saline. About 20 minutes ago they infused me with a steroid which helps nausea, helps the Chemo to work, and hopefully it will make me springey tonight at my basketball game (Doctor Joel would call it "feeling froggy"). Also got some Kytril (like Zophran), have Emend if I want it (and some compazine). Those are all for nausea. The nurse said it would be a good week to do some Spring Cleaning because I will likely have some trouble sleeping with the steroid... Except for tomorrow when they will be giving me Benadryl.

Anyway, we are here (Rachel is here). I could also tell you about my clinical trial of other stuff (and the journal they gave me. I'm going to draw a horse on it, with a sword, to guard my hopes and dreams... That is a Scrubs reference), but I will cut the blog short.

In some ways we are excited that in 6 weeks we will be done with Cancer Treatment. We are certainly still nervous about today. The Chemo I will get, once the hydrating is over, will probably make me pretty nauseous (getting the "E" and the "P" of BEP, the "P" (Cisplatin) is the one that makes many nauseous). I am excited that I'm not getting a port. I'm excited to hang out with the girls today. I am excited to try and play basketball. Feel free to email today as I will be sitting until around 4:00 PM.

2 - sided Blog

2009-05-27T14:01:00.002-04:00

So, first I will update everyone.

We met with the oncologist yesterday. I also had blood work done. I am tired of blood work for two reasons: one, they stick you with a needle (Sorry Sweeney... ) and two, it has yet to tell us anything as far as I understand it.

2 Rounds of Chemotherapy, beginning this Monday (June 1st). 14 Times in the hospital - two intense weeks (this coming week, and then again in four weeks), and four non-intense weeks where I only go in once/week for about two hours. The kind of Chemo I will be receiving is BEP, just if you feel like looking it up. I'm not sure if that makes sense (Somebody make my wife blog...). This next week I will be up there for 8-9 hours, M-F. The two weeks after that it is just one day/week for two hours. Then we start over again on June 21st: intense week, followed by two non-intense weeks.

The reason we are getting Chemo is that my cancer is a germ-cell, and while they will probably be unable to locate it in my body (that scan is tomorrow... damn Contrast tastes like REALLY crappy Sunny Delight) after the surgery, because of the amount they found in the surgery it is nationally recommended that I receive some Chemo. If the cancer were to come back I would have to have at least 3 rounds (9 weeks, instead of 6), so, we're going to reduce to almost nothing the chance it will come back. This is one of the types of cancer that, once you know what it is, you know how to kill it. We tried surgery, and it "worked", but now we need to make sure it won't come back.

I will lose my hair (apparently some people don't, but the "b" makes it very likely). I will probably feel lethargic and relatively nauseous. I was THRILLED that I am not only allowed, but supposed to exercise - so I'm hoping to play ball on Monday night. I will be next to worthless from beyond the arc but am still excited. The fellow-Doctor said not to play hockey, but b-ball is okay!

The oncologist asked me (with Rachel in the room) to not impregnate "anyone" while undergoing Chemo. It was a mixture of funny and awkward!

Part two of Blog. This week two friends emailed and said that email (and the blog) are unacceptable to them as friends. The point was: we need to hear your voice and talk to you - even if it is just for five minutes.

I know that we have shut out a number of people - family included to some degree. I want to ask your forgiveness if we have hurt you. Rachel and I don't claim to know how to walk through this, and we're just taking steps. I'm not necessarily apologizing, because I know all of you want us to be healthy. At the same time, if you're in this boat - please call. Seriously, it was funny how much it meant to me for people to say that - even as I thought one of them was somewhat off base in their request. It means a lot, I have been in your shoes, etc. So, if we have hurt you and you want to talk with one of us, go ahead and give us a call or tell us in email you would really like to talk (definitely have two family members that left messages last week) and we'll make time.

Next week will begin some new craziness, but we're excited that in 7 weeks we will (most likely, roughly 1/2 of 1% chance of recurrence, which we would then kill) be cancer free.

As always, ask questions, comment about whatever...

My friend Tom

2009-05-18T23:27:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I look back on times in my life and wonder if they are more or less important that other times. I was in a fraternity in college - Sigma Phi Epsilon. One of my pledge brothers, Robert Thomas Gunning the III (I will explain later - if you want - why I know all of their middle names), just sent me two photos that he framed. I took them our freshman year of college - one of our house when it was snowing and the lights were blurry in the snow, and one of the Columns on the Univ. of Missouri's Red Campus. This is not my pic - mine is better, it is at a fun angle, next time you're at my house I'll show it to you (with the picture of a snowy 405 S. Kentucky).

All this to say it has been a nice week. Saturday was good. I feel progressively better. I am cheating more and more in the amount I pick up my beautiful daughters.

We have realized there is some mystique with Chemotherapy that will go away when we simply do it. I talked at length with an older friend who went through it a few years ago. Meetings and appointments begin on Thursday, and continue until Chemo starts on June 1st. I hope you're well and also had a good weekend and Lord's Day. Thank you for the cigars (5 and counting - thanks Zach, Walker, and Robert), the phone calls, the emails, the prayers, the prayer emails, the food (non stop for two weeks... we are still eating it), and for being in our lives before this happened - so that we could more easily rely on you while it is happening.

Thanks.

The _______________ of Strangers

2009-05-12T15:56:00.003-04:00

So, I was in Clayton today - which is a different part of STL, but where I meet with some guys to have coffee every couple of weeks. After studying for awhile I wandered into downtown Clayton in search of lunch. I found a Gellateria (sp?), and thought, "There's a snowballs chance in %^&* and I'll take it..." Meaning: I knew I couldn't have one, but I thought I would ask. I think I blogged about the diet, if not we can discuss it later. Well the short of it is that I could have had some kind of ice with raspberry, and the long of it is that I ended up having to tell the lady I have cancer. Her Fiance is a "T. Cancer survivor". I now know 3 in STL. Statistically that means I know 22-25% of the STL Metro Population who has had/has T. Cancer. She was also very nice. I think it is easier for strangers to know what to say.

When ordering my sandwich about 4 doors down the guy basically asked why I was being so careful, so I told him. He kept calling me sir, but other than that I really appreciated his sentiments.

I really don't have too much to complain about in regards to people saying dumb stuff or weird stuff, but it struck me as funny how relatively easy it was for strangers to just say they were sorry. I'll probably figure out what I think people should REALLY say in 10 years when I'm done thinking about it, but Mom says it is, "I'm so sorry for your loss." Of course, Mom hasn't re-exegeted my scenario. The other funny thing was that the Sandwich guy remarked that I seemed in good spirits. That is my dad's bottom line; the somewhat innocuous, "But, he seemed in good spirits..." I feel like it means, coloquially, "His life sucks, but he seems okay... " Or, "Such is life, but he has moved on well..." Never mind.

This is a good week. As soon as I finish writing this I will be 80% done with this Semester and 75% done with Finals. And Rachel swore I could see Star Trek after I finish... So, I've got that going for me. Which is nice. Hope you're having a pleasant Tuesday.

Time

2009-05-09T12:01:00.002-04:00

It is interesting what time does.

I think we all simply feel better today.

We went on a walk yesterday, something clicked internally and I could start taking deep breaths at about 8 PM last night, and this morning I woke up with my pain almost totally gone and the tightness of abdomen surgery down at least 50%. This is what we were told would happen, but it was still nice. Mom left me a nice beverage that I tried - it was delicious, thanks mom.

We won't know how much Chemo until we get the test results back (tests are in late May), but we know it is out there and the reality is just easier to take after a few days I guess.

A good friend wrote and said he hoped I was not losing hope in my faith or in my healing. I am not. We are not. I firmly believe the Bible doesn't offer me a straight-forward explanation/purpose/meaning to sickness. After that I am filled with hope for what this will accomplish in our lives as we move through it. And, I am still fully convinced that by the end of the summer I will be cancer free.

Mom and I were getting a little edgey with one another and she kept offering explanations. I then offered that we might both be put off by me having cancer. So, she said I should stop having it. And I plan to, it will just be a few weeks. In the meantime we will keep loving our girls, I will continue in Seminary (they have been great by the way... literally offering me help in any number of ways and not waiting for me to ask or remind them I am sick), etc.

Caroline has about 20 stickers stuck to her self right now (bandaids), and all of the girls are in the front yard while i "study" (or blog). Hope you also have a nice Saturday, thanks again for the support, thoughts, prayers, etc.

June Plans

2009-05-07T20:30:00.004-04:00

So, I was talking with a friend and mom was here, and I mentioned the probability that I would have chemo... Mom corrected me, "You're having chemo."

She is right. At the point of conversation we were waiting on some information - which we now have - but she was right anyway.

I can get technical if you want (and you don't, because I always confuse folks), and I can explain the movement of the disease from the beginning (February really... although no real diagnosis until April). But, what you want to know is, "What now?" Well, because of the amount of cancer they found they want to do Chemotherapy beginning June 1st. Tests will be run between now and then, we still covet your prayers between now and then, but that is the bottom line. After June we will know how much, but the therapy will begin then.

So many of you have offered help. Please hear me that we will ask, and that we appreciate so much that you have offered. It is hard to get more babysitters for the girls because they like babysitters even less (which is amazing) these days, and in many ways we have to figure out ways for people to actually help. So, thank you. What we hear when you offer help is, "We love you and want you to know it." Well, we do! I don't think we could be much more encouraged by all of the food, notes, phone calls, etc.

In other news, Caroline has packed all of her underwear into an easter basket. Julia couldn't be more pleasant. I (Matt) kicked the pain pills today because the side effects were more annoying than the pain. I start finals tomorrow, and could use prayer that I will stop doing the math on potential flunking (0% chance in all classes) and actually study!

How are we processing all of this? I don't know that we know any better than you do how to process it. The cancer is still 99% treatable/curable/killable - and Chemotherapy was always the most reliable way you just try to do the surgery before it becomes necessary. Only God (seriously... and we have some good doctors) knows when we would have had to have had surgery to accomplish that (what a great sentence!). Thanks again for all your thoughts, you can still ask questions, we appreciate the continued prayers, and we will ask for help when we realize what we need it with!

Mad Men

2009-05-05T17:40:00.002-04:00

So, I am home (Matt writing) and I am getting better every few hours, but am still amazed that the most uncomfortable part is probably the gas in my shoulders. As Rachel said the surgery came and went, and we got bad news again. Everyone was sad yesterday except Julia - nothing really makes her sad except being hit in the head with sticks by her sister. Rachel and I have talked about it several times already because chances were pretty high that this is what would happen (that we would do surgery and still have to have Chemo), but when you're given an inch of hope you hold it I guess.

Now, as I re-read the last paragraph I don't want to surprise anyone. The news is simply that the tumors had grown, and so the doctor cleaned out the left side lymph nodes which are close to my kidney. There is still a chance he got all of the cancer, but there are basic guidelines of how to treat cancer, and I had enough that it is unlikely that we won't have to do chemo in a few weeks. I know that I don't communicate as well as Rachel. Bottom Line: cancer was still bigger when they took it out (relative to CT scan), so I will probably have a few rounds of Chemo this summer.

I manipulated my way home before noon (they made a list of things that had to happen, and I made them happen), the girls are doing well. Caroline just came in from playing in the yard and is refusing to watch the new movies grandma brought her - she wants Cars. Julia is happy, she has added "mama" and "Yum yum" to her spoken vocabulary. I'm trying to study, and relax my lower back.

Tonight, thanks to Casey's IPOD, we will watch the second season of Mad Men (some of it anyway). Thank you again for the food, thoughts, prayers, anger on our behalf, and tears. We will keep you posted when we meet with our oncologist, it will be a few weeks before the pathology report comes back and they won't want to start the Chemo until it has been at least 3-4 weeks since surgery.

update

2009-05-04T13:38:00.003-04:00

i spoke with dr. figenshau (surgeon) a bit ago... matt is out of surgery & his vitals are all good. but the surgery did not give us great news. the lymph nodes that were enlarged have increased in size somewhat significantly. the biopsy showed active germ cells, which is the same type of cancer found in his testicle. so all the lymph tissue in that section was removed, but he did not want to risk damage to nerves & blood vessels by moving further. there is still a chance they removed the majority of the cancerous cells, but matt will have to have some chemo to eliminate it completely. while we kind of expected this, we were really hoping that it wouldn't be necessary. how much chemo, when, etc will be determined later.

i'll be going up to see him in recovery soon- and if we get more info we'll let you know. i'm pretty sad about the outcome, but i'm really relieved that the surgery is over. i'm sure chemo will suck big time, but my biggest fears were for the surgery.

thanks for your prayers- please continue.

so early

2009-05-04T09:12:00.005-04:00

4:30 a.m. is SO EARLY! that's when i got up to nurse julia & get ready to leave for the hospital with matt. he really wanted coffee- but no food or drink after midnight for him! i tried to be nice & not eat or drink in front of him- see what a good wife i am? : )

check-in is long & tedious because they have to be so thorough about every little detail- repeat your name, your SSN, your doctor, your procedure, have you eaten anything, no really have you eaten anything... but eventually they got it all covered & everyone was satisfied that they were ready. they took him back at 7:30, and i just got confirmation that they have begun the surgery at 8:15.

holy cow- that's a little unsettling. they explained the procedure in more detail than i really wanted, so now i know what they are doing to "begin the surgery."

crap.

to be honest, i'm pretty scared. i'm the youngest person in this waiting area by at least 15 years if not more... i feel like we shouldn't be here. it seems "bad" to talk about, but i've been feeling afraid that matt will die. i suppose that's natural in any case, and we have experienced a lot of death already the last year or so. i have every reason to trust that he will be fine (statistics, reliable doctors, hope in Christ), but some emotions just won't give in to rationality. i'm okay- just dealing with it all.

a good friend (who is very far away!) sent me a message and said that she is confident that God is meeting us in this... and He is. i have said before that God is not changing our circumstances, but that I trust that He is no less good and no less loving in our lives than during the happiest moments. He is still present with me, and His presence is stronger than my fear. i don't know how to explain it better, but if you want to understand better i will try. maybe over a cup of coffee in a few weeks when this is over...

and the family next to me was just discussing anal probes... awesome.

thanks for your prayers- i'll update again when they give me more information at 2 hours (10:15ish).

-rachel

10:16 PM

2009-05-03T23:16:00.003-04:00

This is one of the cigars Robert dropped off. I doubt he reads the blog. Someone tell him it was a great cigar, even with the Izze (yes, Robert with the Dread-locks). Walker also sent cigars, and Holly wrote a note since she isn't old enough to buy cigars. If i wrote all of the names of those who have called and written, emailed and facebooked... Well, I couldn't, but it would be a long list. Thank you.

Tomorrow's surgery is at about 7:30, and I just finished my 3 final projects for school. None are amazing, but they are all at least B level. Maybe C, but my grades are fine. We will be leaving our house around 5, so in addition to me you can pray for our girls and for grandma Ginny who will be unapologetically showing videos and spooning out yogurt all morning at least.

And, let's hear it for Merecats - which Caroline and Grandpa Robbie love.

Thanks again everyone.

Good Shabbos

2009-05-02T21:27:00.003-04:00

A good friend was in town today, and we had been goofing off, had lunch with all of my girls, his fiance', etc.

Last night we went and saw Wolverine. I must be growing up since I didn't go at Midnight the night before.

Anyway, at lunch I could sense his anxiety about my cancer and I asked if we needed to talk about it. So we did. At one point he said, "So... Is everything just different now?" And, I think it is. My worldview tells me that while purpose in a pure sense may not ever be revealed, God will use this in us to grow us. I don't think the Bible says I will be a perfect anything, or even necessarily a better anything. But, I do think the bible gives me ever reason to hope that nothing is purposeless, and that I can be fully confident that my cancer will change us for the better. I know that is abstract at best, but I appreciate that it is not trite. I keep writing more and then deleting it about the purpose of this. how about I just get to you about that one!

I alternate between saying "we" and "me" because it seems like it is happening to me, but other than being anesthetized on Monday - all of this is happening to Rachel as certainly as it is happening to me. Many of you have asked if we have told Caroline. I do not think we have "told" her, but she knows that I am sick. She knows that I go see doctors a lot lately. The other day she asked Rachel and I both how our visit to the doctors went. We thought about her context, and then told her it was good, I didn't get any shots, and they did not give me a sucker.

It was hard to write that. I have the most beautiful, amazing daughters ever - I hope if you have not met them you get to.

We are hopeful - in the Lord first and foremost. Simply in Him, and His provision - whatever that may mean. We are also thoughtful and believe we are making the right decision for surgery, and chemo if necessary after a few months of surveillance. We are excited that this surgery gives us the best hope for full recovery without chemotherapy.

It takes a good bit of energy for Rachel to write, so I'm trying to remember to keep people updated. Please ask more questions and feel free to comment.

Today was a good rest day. We played a lot this morning. I made Banana Muffins and let Rachel sleep in (the least I could after she stayed up until 11:30 watching Wolverine at the Moolah). We had lunch with great and old friends, and now I am finishing my schoolwork so that I can study for finals after the surgery. Tomorrow we are excited about corporate worship with our church family. They are like the rest of our family - loving, imperfect, but would lay down in traffic for us if we asked (loose Good Will Hunting Quote).

Surgery is Monday morning for those of you thinking and praying for us; 7:30 at Barnes Jewish. it is laparscopic - so not very invasive, but it is still our second surgery in about 6 weeks. It should take about 4 hours because they do some biopsying while I am on the table. The surgery is to remove two inflamed Lymph Nodes (assumedly cancerous) in my abdomen. I will stay the night, and should be up on Tuesday andable to drive by next Monday (for Finals - which I will happily make C's on!). The Seminary was great about offering me extensions - even encouraging it. But, I would prefer to finish, knowing I have almost no chance of failing any class. We are excited to move to the next stage, to be finished with this stage, and to fill you in on the details. Thank you again for your affection, prayers, phone calls and emails. We don't get texts anymore - but thanks for them too!

Apologies

2009-04-30T21:20:00.002-04:00

I wish we had more to say, and apologize to those of you who read so faithfully.

Rachel asked me today if we actually knew where the surgery was on Monday... I realized we don't. Its not because we don't care, its just that you become very out of energy through all of this discussion, blood tests, etc.

All that to say - for those of you who pray, we go in very early on Monday. For those of you who desire more information on the Retro-Peritoneal Lymph Node Dissection - ask Rachel to blog and she will answer all of your questions. I should be out of the hospital by Tuesday, should be on my feet Monday afternoon, and back at everything in two weeks.

If you REALLY want to do something you can buy me a cigar. Robert left two on my porch on Monday night.

Thank you - seriously - for your thoughts, letters, prayers and general affection we have felt deeply loved throughout this process!

Rachel objects to my desire for cigars. She said, "Um... You have cancer, don't tell people to buy you cigars..." My thought is that I have to give them up if I have Chemo, so in the meantime... bring em!

Stolen Blog

2009-04-26T20:28:00.004-04:00

Now that I have titled the blog, "Stolen Blog" I want to write about why and how and when my wife is suddenly tempted to steal things. I will not for 3 reasons: 1. She has not stolen anything (yet??????!!!!!!!!!) 2. you should ask her because it is hilarious. 3. Three seems like a better number than two.

So, apparently many of you are reading the blog (I can't get my brain around what is wrong with that sentence... something).

A few days ago I wrote on our church's blog (theriversidechurchblog.blogspot.com) and I wanted to be sure I spread it everywhere since the overlap is not 100%. It is mainly a story, but has much to do with the cancer, and this season of our life. Here it is:

I was talking to my mom last week, and she told me that the woman who works for her - after finding out that I was sick - asked her, "Well, what does he think of his faith now?" (PS - if you weren't in church or don't go to church you can email me through our church website and I can explain my sickness).

This Space is in honor of her tact: __________________ .

To hear my mom tell the story it sounds like she sat the woman down and told her about Jesus. I mean, it kind of sounded like a come-to-Jesus meeting in lots of ways. So awkward! I mean, I know people that like to say provocative things and then sort of back off. But, when it is your employer (its my mom's company too... she's not just the boss), and she says, "No, you asked so I'm gonna tell you!" you have to sit there.

Mom said it was the most she had talked about Jesus in years. Seems like a good thing.

What I told Mom was that she could tell __________ that I am happy that my worldview provides good answers to the difficult questions we are faced with (both before and now). Now, that can sound silly in some ways, or like I'm dodging, but I mean it. Christianity does not offer pat or trite answers. But, it offers robust, thick answers to the questions we have. Sometimes the Bible will re-orient us to another question, that the Bible implies is a better question. Sometimes the answers suck. Such as when some of our "suffering" is caused by us, or by dead relatives we can't yell at. Other times it is frustrating because we are forced to realize that the dominant culture has us thinking we can actually eliminate many kinds of suffering - some through mere distraction, and other kids (like sickness) through medicine.

I am still happy that the Bible answers my questions. Through the Bible I expect people to have darkness in them. So, I am less surprised by suicide, divorce, squabbles over money. Through the Bible I do not expect to not suffer because of my faith. Through the Bible I believe there is hope of redemption (which is really the hardest one to believe isn't it?). I mean, ultimately we are not expecting answers to everything, I think we just struggle to have actual hope. It would be easy for me to write something trite about the resurrection. I do believe that it indicates the power behind true hope. But, I try not to be trite, I really do...

Monday, May 4th

2009-04-26T09:27:00.004-04:00

So, Rachel and I came to a decision regarding my treatment. We have decided to have the surgery: Retro-Peritoneal Lymph Node Dissection on Monday (8 days, not tomorrow).

We came to the decision for a couple of reasons: one, it gives us a chance of no Chemo; two, they can biopsy the lymph nodes while I am "sleeping" and potentially look for more (Chemo simply shrinks, taking away diagnosis and the potential to know that the cancer is already gone); and three, the long-term effects of surgery are less than Chemo.

The surgery is laparoscopic, which means they don't but me open, there will be just 3 incisions and they will all be small circles. This is good for recovery time. Mom is coming into town to help, and we expect my recovery to be similar to the other one (really just a few days of pain, and about two weeks before I can do almost everything).

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, emails and phone calls. We have had so many ask how they can help. We will let you know - I promise!

I posted this pic because Caroline is eating frosting and sprinkles, and after my surgery I will have to observe a Medium-Triglyceride Diet (which means, not high fat stuff I think). No big deal.

Good Day

2009-04-22T01:38:00.002-04:00

It is 12:39 AM and I should be getting on to bed. But, I just wanted to tell folks who are checking this that we all had a pretty good day.

Rachel and I both exercised (my first time since the surgery). I got a lot of school work done. Our girls seemed to enjoy themselves - the highlight for me was being in a very small tent ("castle") with Caroline and Julia.

Rachel got to get out for awhile (although the car wash took forever, thereby hindering her).

The guy from India fixed our Wireless Internet.

Anyway, amidst all of the mess and extra appointments, and decisions about chemo and surgery and surveillance it is good to know that it was simply a good day.

Also, if all of you make a big racket Rachel promised to post AMAZING pictures of our girls. (Reading between the lines: I post questionable pics :) ).

Doctor Ridiculous

2009-04-21T11:10:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I like to nickname. For some of our doctors it is easier than others.

Yesterday we met with an oncologist at Barnes Jewish, and his pedigree is kind of ridiculous (Harvard, Duke, Berkely and I think he was the inspiration for Doc Hollywood... Okay, not the last one). Alas, he was very responsible in the way he communicated with Rachel and I. He was unwilling to hide behind statistics; instead choosing to encourage us that a cure is on the horizon, it did not used to be so, and whatever route (surgery or chemo, surgery and chemo) we choose we will likely end up in the same place: full cure. I think I was subconsciously hoping that he was going to sound radically different than our other doctors. It is good that he didn't, but there was a let down that I am just beginning to place.

I think Rachel and I are both tired of visiting doctors. I still like joking with the nurses. My weight was 184.8, and I was really shooting for a 184 on the chart. I think I lost that one. All joking aside, I think Rachel and I are okay, we are processing as best we can. Yesterday I think we were tired; emotionally, mentally, etc. Re-read her blog entry as it was awesome.

Chemo is intriguing because it is a little more of a clean time line. This doctor wants three rounds (9 weeks), and then he thinks we would be done. Right this second I am leaning towards surgery (May 4th) and then Surveillance. The reason is two-fold (read: friends with Chandler in the box): One, they will do a pathology report because they will actually remove the tumors (Chemo shrinks them into nothingness). Two, if I can avoid Chemo I would like to do that. It is most likely that I would fully recover - in all ways - from chemotherapy (which is very bad for you). But, I would like to take a shot at no need for chemo. Again, Rachel and I are still in discussion and prayer. But, that is our update. Sorry to keep so many of you waiting.

The appointment was yesterday morning, and so the girls were with a babysitter. Later in the morning we went to the zoo, and as we pulled back to our house around nap-time Caroline, getting out of the car, turned to Rachel and I and said, "How was the doctor mommy and daddy?" It made me sad for a few seconds, but then I realized her context, and we told her it was fine except that daddy didn't get a sucker. Aside from the random tantrums and desire for near-constant near-nudity (usually shoes, wings, a tiara, and underwear), it is very fun to raise Caroline.

Side note: I got to preach on Sunday and I think it went really well. The highlight for me was sitting on a Bass-Guitar stand. if you would like to listen to it you can listen (or save it) from the church's website: www.riversidestl.org

Yours,
Matt Blazer

Just a pic

2009-04-16T20:53:00.001-04:00

A Post by Rachel

2009-04-14T23:37:00.002-04:00

We met with a surgeon yesterday & a medical oncologist today... exhausting, but informative. And encouraging, in a round about sort of way. It was just good to have someone reassure us that the weeks in between the CT scan & the proposed treatment options are not long enough for the cancer cells to run rampant through his body. once you hear the words "aggressive cancer cells," you have visions of nasty little disease cells inching upward through the lymphatic system & invading matt's organs. Both doctors said that they would be surprised if the 2 enlarged lymph nodes grew significantly in the next few weeks... not ruling out the possibility of a little growth, but it isn't a major concern.

That said, we are thinking (somewhat sure) that we will proceed with a Retroperitoneal Lymph Node Dissection (removal of the enlarged lymph nodes) on May 4 at Barnes Jewish Hospital. This will be a laparoscopic procedure in order to minimize the invasiveness of the surgery- an open dissection is a very large incision, much greater recovery time, etc. There are risks with each- we're looking into those, but this seems preferable at this time.

The literature we have read & the 3 doctors we have spoken with seem to concur on most all of the questions we have, which is VERY reassuring- who wants to make a judgment call about treatments that doctors don't agree on? The best option seems to be to follow surgery with 2 rounds of chemotherapy (which type of drugs will be involved is still under discussion) in order to reduce the chance of recurrence of the cancer cells to almost 0%. We like that math: Surgery + 2 chemo treatments= 99% chance of COMPLETE cure: good numbers! On the other side- chemo will likely make him somewhat sick if not very sick, so if we chose not to do it after the surgery, there is an option to treat by "surveillance." This means lots of blood work, CT scans, & appointments. Surveillance opens the door to a 20% chance of recurrence, which would then lead to 6 rounds of chemo. Not good numbers- like i said, chemo will not be a picnic & we'd like to limit it to 2 treatments & be done with this crap!

We are still going to see a different medical oncologist next week (monday) for another opinion & to consolidate all of matt's treating physicians to Barnes Jewish. 1) It simplifies the transfer of paperwork between hospitals, 2) it increases the chances of the doctors communicating thoroughly & working well together, and 3) it puts matt's treatment in one of the best hospitals in America (also closest to our home).

there are still outstanding questions- I think we come up with new questions all the time. And there is still fear of the disease as well as the treatment. And there are lots of questions about the future- the impact the surgery & chemo will have on matt's last semester of seminary, how this will affect his long term health, how this could impact the number of children in our family... and we are still processing how we communicate with each other and how we bring this before the Lord. I think we are much better than we were last week at this time- more answers, less shock, more reassurance, less paralyzing fear. We really feel surrounded by our family, friends & community. And we have the cutest, most amazing children ever, which doesn't hurt. And we celebrated the living Christ on Sunday- a deep & powerful Love for us that is over every dark & nasty thing we are dealing with. Christ isn't changing the facts of the cancer in matt's body- Christ is changing our hearts to hope & trust in His Good-ness through all of this. It doesn't hurt less, but we know God is acting behind & in & through everything. (Please remind me that i said this- i am sure to forget on a regular basis).

Thank you for all your calls, notes, e-mails, flowers & cookies. Thank you most of all for your prayers- it is really amazing to be on the receiving end of such incredible care. i hope that we love all of you as well as you have loved us.

-Rachel

Insulating

2009-04-12T23:24:00.004-04:00

I want to first say thank you for the emails, phone calls, blog comments, texts, etc. We feel loved during this time.

We are meeting with two doctors this week, one tomorrow and one on Tuesday (maybe a third, depending on them).

The weekend was good I think. I didn't have class on Friday (which means I also forgot Caroline had school... so, she didn't go), and while Caroline was not interested in the Good Friday Service at church (Julia had already made it clear she was going to bed) she and Rachel still went to Serendipity for Ice Cream. While they were gone I read and smoked a CAO Brazilian (Maduro wrapper) cigar. The significance is that earlier in the week I didn't want anything: to drink, to watch, to do, to buy, to smoke, etc. I have heard people say that when you are struggling lesser affections fade. I thin kthat that is true, depending on your definition of struggle.

My mom said that we were all waiting to hear that everything was fine after the CAT scan. Then, when it wasn't we have all had to re-orient ourselves. I think Rachel and I have been re-orienting (successfully) over the past few days. You are welcome to ask questions on the blog also. I have learnedthat I don't explain the medical aspect that well (maybe becuase I don't get it that well, hence the new rule: Rachel goes to all Doctor's appt's from now on), so I have left out much technical jargon. I will still try to answer any questions people have. I don't know if the information will make you feel better, but you are welcome to it.

A New Sort of Blog for awhile

2009-04-08T23:21:00.003-04:00

So, for awhile I am going to use my blog to update people on my sickness. If you didn't know I was sick I am sorry you're finding out this way. On March 27th I had surgery for testicular cancer, and on Tuesday we found out it spread to two lymph nodes. So, we are seeing a surgeon on Monday and an oncologist on Tuesday - second opinions forthcoming. If you want to read I found a good article by the FDA, and Lance Armstrong's site is pretty helpful.

Some of you have asked how Rachel and I are processing this. Thank you for asking, I think that is a good question. I don't know. I spent a lot of time in prayer today, asking the LORD a similar question. The answer I received is that I already know how to be faithful as a husband, father, son, friend (obviously not always and with varying degrees of "success"). Tomorrow I may hate that I wrote that, today the LORD told me that I know how to be a husband and be sick, that I know how to be a father, that I know how to be a friend.

Caroline knows when I go to the doctor and that I had an "ouchy" (I say past tense because I swing her around again). We aren't really scared of death because the survival rate is so unbelievably high in these cases (Lance Armstrong's site is pretty helpful if you want to learn more than I am telling you). Also, Rachel and I made a deal that neither of us is ever allowed to die :)

Many of you want to help. I promise we will let you know when we need help (and we probably will). Many of you don't know what to say, and I want you to know that we appreciate it when you say just that. It conveys the emotion. Many of you want to talk. If we do not answer the phone or call you back, please forgive us and assume that we are receiving many more calls/texts/visits/facebook messages than we are used to.

Rachel and I are thankful for many things. For Jesus and the accompanying world-view that gives us a context for life and for suffering (or sickness). We are thankful for a large and loving family. We are thankful for a very understanding and loving House Group that has already been through a lot this year. And, we are thankful to our church and other friends who love us so well.

Videos

2009-04-03T20:14:00.003-04:00

So, yesterday evening I watched a 10 minute video of Jazz Pianist Eric Lewis performing for this year's TED. Smarter people than me can tell you about TED, but if you don't know about it it is a good time to Google it so when people talk about it you don't think they're kidding about the title of the conference.

The interesting thing is that listening to Eric Lewis is compelling, and I sound refined or at least I am interested in being refined or something.

But, the video I watched last before Eric (maybe 5 days ago... I don't watch videos as much as _______ ) who always sends me links, was Achmed the Dead Terrorist. My wife thinks Achmed is hilarious and lately she has been calling my doctor Achmed because she is annoyed with him.

The point is, or the question is. What does it say about me that those are the last two things I watched? What does it say about the culture? It just seems amazing, and slightly intriguing that I can watch those to videos as easily as I did and they are the only ones I watched. I almost watched a sermon... Then I didn't.

And, in between paragraph one and three of this blog post Rachel and I SKYPED our great friends the Sweeneys in Singapore. The world is a funny, inter-connected place and while some days I use that to learn about dissonant, cutting edge-jazz piano... others I just watch Achmed.

Shabbos Email

2009-03-14T22:06:00.003-04:00

One of these days I will take the Sabbath seriously enough to remember how I work.

Our family has been getting better at playing on Saturdays, and today I had un-get-out-of-able meetings this afternoon and we had people over later... So, the morning was all for playing and being. Rachel made a LOT of coffee (helps everything) and some blueberry muffins, and when Julia went to sleep for morning nap I took Caroline to Rocketship Park (which is kind of dad and Caroline's Park). But, before I left I checked my email.

Now I'm mad. Because... Well, that's why - I'm not telling you, the anecdote is not about anger, it is about knowing that I didn't need to check my email. Yea, checking my email drew me into my work life where someone had disappointed me. This blank space is in honor of that email and my thoughts _________________________________________________.

Caroline wanted to swing for awhile (I thought about the email). Then she wanted to climb for awhile (I kept thinking about it). She didn't want to slide because last time we were there there was a big puddle. Then we went to the sand... Ahh, the sand. I sat on a bench. I know not to, she wants my presence, so I ran in the sand with her. Then we sat in the sand. In the sand I let it go, there was grace in the sand. We hung out. She made some sand angels (snow angels might be too many senses and a bit of fear, btu we are ready for sand angels). We talked about Wall E (I am Burn-E from the short movie, Julia is MO, Rachel is Eva... you might be able to figure out who Caroline is). We watched a train or two. It was neat to watch Caroline learn with her eyes, and no talking, that she could see the train in two places through the trees. Good ole' Rocketship Park.

I felt myself relax, let it go, etc. Things that are a normal part of living and working and knowing people. But, how much easier would it have been to be present (I'm so good with grammar and words) if I had simply not checked my email? I don't play video games too much anymore because I realize they don't actually relax me. I drink more tea. I try to reflect. This last one seems easier when you're sitting in the sand. Thank you Lord for the grace of the sand. I will try to not check my email next Saturday. Thank you Caroline for continuing to want to play.

Lent

2009-03-04T12:03:00.002-05:00

Almost every year I decide I should really use Lent to ponder... or to become more spiritual or something. Seriously, it seems like such a basically good idea. And, every year I forget. I'm in Seminary and we don't seem to talk about it much. I haven't gotten over to Wikipedia yet to see if there is a cool story about giving stuff up. I DO have some trout in my freezer that we could fry on Friday I guess...

This is a fun article if you want to start observing late: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7923701.stm

Thoughts on Lent?

Did you give up anything?

Have you ever had a great experience with Lent?

Anybody ever go through the book Mars Hill (Bell's Mars Hill, don't think Driscoll is going to support Lent too much) put out a few years ago? I think I saved it, never printed it, and definitely don't remember anything about it.

I find it funny the amount of tests and papers and discussion forums I have to do for Seminary... And, this might be my first conversation on Lent. If there are a billion Roman Catholics then I am just out of touch right? :)

Oscars

2009-02-23T14:01:00.002-05:00

There are things about the Oscars that are funny. I could hear my mom in my head saying, "Oh Goldie..." at one point.

Alas, I am catching up today. However, I heard Dustin Lance Black's comments at his award for best Screenplay. It was almost unnerving how good they were. Carefully nuanced, incisive, terribly saddening, and unqualified enough to convict evangelicals (I hope).

"I think he'd (Harvey Milk) want me to say to all of the gay and lesbian kids out there tonight who have been they are less then by their churches, or by the government, or by their families, that you are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value. And that no matter what everyone tells you, God does love you, and that very soon, I promise you, you will have equal rights federally across this great nation of ours."

The political part gets me less than the first part... I am embarrassed that he says it so well when Christians seem like they cannot. People do not deserve to be marginalized and abused... period. I think Jesus would have stood and applauded, or maybe he would have been out pleading with the picketers to stop.

90 Blogs later

2009-02-16T00:06:00.002-05:00

And I am still not positive what the purpose of a blog is.

I know this one is a random thought blog (because I twitched when the job ge by the guy at school said, "if you have a random thoughts blog... shut it down while you're looking for a job).

I know i like to put up pictures of my daughters.

I know I sometimes like to try to be provocative, by saying things like "I voted for Obama" or "I think Abortion is a gigantic distraction to evangelicalism". Both of those things are true by the way.

I don't label much. (down at the bottom)

Here is a question... I get to preach in April. I am thinking of a couple of possibilities and would love your thoughts. 1. "Margin" - How do you feel knowing the Bible takes your questions and often answers other ones oftentimes? This would be about the Bible and our questions essentially. 2. "Why be good?" My short answer would be mission. In my 31 years of experience I don't think many Christians get why to be good, and many who are watching churches (insert your word, "non-religious, religious, irreligious, atheist, seeker, agnostic, etc.) tend to perceive that Christianity is big on rules and be annoyed by it. 3. What about giving people two Sundays where they could write their questions on index cards and then I could take like the top four (having no idea how I would determine that... especially without being deterministic)?

Thoughts?

The great thing is that I stopped reading for school about 15 minutes ago because I was tired... I was reading a 60 year old article about Natural Law by a professor who is trying REALLY hard to be relevant. I couldn't focus... till i started blogging about... NOTHING. Hilarious. I really would appreciate your thoughts though!

Stuff Christians Like

2009-02-05T12:24:00.004-05:00

Hannah Wood turned me on to this blog. It is unbelievably accurate towards the strange subculture of evangelicalism. AND, I just learned that Jon went to college with my wife. Hilarious.

Here is a brief sampling, a bullet-point of a fictional interview with that guy that interviews movie stars... It is about people criticizing the Sermon at lunch.

1. I'm just not being fed.
What a fantastic way to look as if you're more spiritual than the pastor himself.

2. That message was not meant for me.
You are so generous to have sat there patiently while someone else that needed that sermon was able to receive it. What kindness.

3. That didn't feel like church.
What a perfect smokescreen of vagueness. How can anyone argue with your feeling? What does that even mean? More organ? Less organ? Better lasers? No lasers?

4. There wasn't enough Bible in that for me. That felt like a business leadership book.
What's enough? No one knows, which is why this is such a gem.

5. I'm not sure that sermon works in a postmodern world.
I'm not even sure I know what the word "postmodern" means, but it's fun to say. Few things make you look smarter than repeating this word. Repeatedly.

Stupid Kirk

2009-01-27T14:42:00.003-05:00

I NEVER do these things.

But, Kirk did one, so I thought i would do one. With every person I put on my list ( you are supposed to do 25), a little bit of my will to live left me. So, I will throw it on the old blog...

1) I like coffee. French Press about twice a month.
2) Lately I have been spelling my name, "mat" to elicit whatever relaction.
3) My poor wife has noticed that while thinking I make very strange movements with my bottom lip. She wishes she could scold me, but she cannot stop laughing usually.
4) I got to hang out with two of my favorite authors in the last 6 years.
5) I would like to eventually publish a short story or essay
6) When someone introduces me as his or her pastor, I laugh because I am not one, then I try to sort of hide it... then I kind of repent...
7) I like NPR. I wish I liked music in general more. I like Jazz, but wish I liked it more.
8) I am suspicious of Christians
9) I have never thought of anything permanent enough in my life to tattoo, except my wife or kids but that would be kind of dippy.
10) I say "Dippy" because of my wife, and "silly" because of Caroline.
11) I think telling people to find their passion and do it, sets most people up for a discontent and at times miserable life. I agree - and still do it.
12) I keep in touch with about 10-15 men in a pretty deep and personal way. Not as often as I might like, but pretty dang often.
13) I love re-imagining the Christian faith. For everyone (including myself)
14) if I don't play basketball for a week I begin to feel partially empty.
15) If I do not get at least one rebound I shouldn't have got and thrown one amazing (or "ill advised") pass in that game, for someone else to score... Then I will be slightly less happy all week. I would take a 3 pointer too, btu some weeks that is pushing it.
16) I'm afraid to plant churches, because I dont' want to. But, I'm afraid I will become cynical enough to do it.
17) The last 3 people who tried to ue my chainsaw couldn't. 2 thought they broke it. It made me feel like more of a man.
18) My Dog's Name is Ron. I knew the name for about 5 years before he came into our life (not incarnationally, we adopted him from a stray society). He is likely the best behaved (inside) dog that you know.
19) Kirk Adkisson once took my wife and I to the Hillin St. Louis, and I ate a bowl of Spaghetti. It HURT. A lot. becauseI ate as much as Kirk could and no one should have
20) I flirt with murdering my cat: Batman. Not really. But, kind of. My friend Ty would also like to kill him.
21) I like the NBA. I liked it when everyone else was down on it. Even when it was like the WWF (94 and 95).
22) Andre Dubus is my favorite author.
23) I have tried 35 kinds of Scotch.
24) My Mom is the best business-person I know. Seriously.
25) Kirk is getting into Birding. What is birding?
26) I can quote lots of 80's movies and songs. Probably more than you, but maybe not more than ANYONE you know.
27) Definitely missing the end of my right thumb, and have definitely used that to every advantage I have ever been able to think of. Told the story at least 5000 times (I can explain how I get to that number if you want to know), and make a joke about 4.6 times/week.
28) Saw U2 at Slane Castle in Ireland about two weeks before 9/11.
29) My wife is very beautiful, and I have been lately pretty aware of it. Not bragging, just happy.
30) I'm becoming a Pastor of Arts and Culture in the Fall and I know less about Art and music than almost everyone you know...

Just in Case

2009-01-22T16:56:00.004-05:00

Just in case you check my blog, and don't ever visit the BBC's Day in pictures.

This is a young man dancing on the rubble of his home in Gaza.

I don't know if pictures like this make my faith greater or if they increase my doubt.

Gran Torino

2009-01-19T02:05:00.002-05:00

I just watched Gran Torino.

There is a hollowness in Clint Eastwood's movies. I mean it as a compliment, but it is there nonetheless... some spaces in the acting and writing, and even the shooting that I don't know if I am smart enough to get. But, it makes me feel like I'm NOT watching the latest flick.

There was a lot in there about good Masculinity. That part makes me sad for a lot of reasons I really don't feel like getting into.

There was some community stuff... I guess.

There was some racist stuff... I guess.

There was some spiritual stuff... I guess.

What was the last movie you saw that moved you? I think Gran Torino moved me. It made me sad that I didn't know some men well, and sadder that I didn't know others longer. It is interesting and difficult to be a man. I would compare it to being a woman, but you know... I do live with three of them though. Ron doesn't count. Check the blog in five years and we'll see if I have come up with anything.

I think Gran Torino moved me. What was the last movie that moved you?

Yes, I know the picture is not of a Gran Torino... I liked Better off Dead A LOT when I was growing up...

Ethics/Culture

2009-01-10T10:41:00.005-05:00

I'm sitting in a class right now and the professor just quoted an author I have just recently started reading. He said not to put the quote in my blog... Then I raised my hand and said, "Did you say not to put this in my blog?" and he said, "Just don't say, Pastor ________ said, that ____________ ____________ said,

"The problem with Capitalism is that is makes shitty people." "

So, I will just include the quote.

Thoughts???

Blogging in 2009 (job too)

2009-01-06T11:06:00.003-05:00

The blog was private because I was looking for a job, and one suggestion that I thought was a good one was to hide any random thought blogs. This blog is nothing if it is not a random thought blog!

So, if you attend Riverside Church (and were there on Sunday) you know that I have a job when I graduate (August unless I burn out in the Spring), at Riverside. Many of you have sent encouraging texts, facebooks, etc. Thank you! And, know that I have a finite number of text messages - therefore, am saying thanks this way.

So, I will be the pastor of arts and culture... I think. We have till September to figure it out it seems! And, more importantly :), my blog is now not-private.

I should write more about how glad I am 2008 is over (it was a long year in many ways). I should write more about how awesome my mom is - we just spent a week together in California, New Mexico, Arizona, and Colorado. I should write more about my kids and how cool they are. I should devote at least one blog to my wife - after all - how else could my kids be so cool? I should write about the people we lost this year, but I think I already did that (and, thankfully... no one has died since then... I hope that doesn't sound calloused or insensitive... some of my friends have lost since then. But, five seems like a lot).

Anyway, the purpose of this is to explain 1 - Why the Blog went private for two months. 2 - To explain the Job I got.

Christmas and the Puritans

2008-12-25T14:43:00.002-05:00

So, I was listening to Reasonable Doubts Podcast and they were talking about the idea and Holiday of Christmas. They mentioned that the Puritans didn't celebrate it because they knew that the tree was for the Winter Solstice and the connections to Saturnalia (Am I writing like I knew it before I listened?). I read the Puritans a little, in a book of essentially poetry, that my mother-in-law bought for me. It is good to read them. Their theology is too harsh for me, and I think a bit too negative - but it is such humble, pious faith.

I think somewhere in me is a long blog about Christmas and consumerism, and how our theology should affect holidays like Christmas (and... maybe... Easter) more than it does. Alas, My throat hurts a little, we just put the girls down (We still haven't opened everything for Caroline, she just kept getting overwhelmed), and I don't know if I have it in me!

I love that I have an excuse to not lave the house. I loved being at the mall yesterday to get a watch fixed (thanks Mom) and ate cookies with Caroline (too many for both of us... stupid coupon). Rachel deserves a medal - she set up Caroline's doll house, cooked us Baked French Toast with cream cheese and pecans in between the pieces of bread, made coffee... I think she got up at 5:20. And, she got me the coolest presents ever. Not flashy, but VERY me.

I hope you have a nice Christmas...

Anger

2008-12-15T00:24:00.002-05:00

Does everyone have anger issues?

Tonight I went to my book club and it was great. We read White Noise by Don Delillo. The book was an experience, not a book. He has the ability to make the plot seem primary, secondary, or (here is nice word) tertiary. What was the book about? Death maybe? Was it a satire? No, but it was certainly satirical. Was it funny? Might have been the funniest book I have ever read, and yet had some of the most quotable lines i have ever seen on sex, death, adultery, masculinity, parenting, etc.

Anyway, I saw a friend of mine named James at the bar. It is the second time I have seen James in a week. James has a friend named Tom, and about 13 seconds into my meeting with Tom I find out he is a somewhat angry atheist. I told him about getting a drink with Chris Hitchens and how much I respect Hitchens' robust rejection of Christianity. It was very clear that Tom did not think I was free-thinker, or had anything to advocate for.

He then went on a rant against religious people who want to have their cake and eat it too in the form of rejecting miracles, but affirming Jesus' resurrection. I couldn't get a word in edge wise to tell him how much I agreed with him. So few "agnostics" will reach any argumentative closure, such as "Jesus must have been a total lunatic" (Hitchens is the first I have ever heard - OF ANYONE - to affirm C.S. Lewis' classic 'Jesus must be a liar, a lunatic, or the Son of God' argument).

Anyway, I think we left it well, there was some discussion of pre-suppositions and miracles, the laws of physics, etc. Maybe he will come to On Tap (which is this Thursday ontapdiscussion.blogspot.com - you should totally come).

The really funny thing is, I think Christians deserve the anger of most agnostics/atheists. It is hard for me that I have to convince my friends who do not believe in God that I capable of critical thinking, but it is mainly hard because I know how many insensitive Christians that they have talked with... How many who have berated them, told them they are going to Hell, etc. I wonder how Tom grew up, I wonder what he reads (the bar was closing so I didn't get a chance to find any of this out), I wonder what his fears and dreams are, I wonder if he cares what mine are?

In Honor of Dr. Joel

2008-11-25T00:41:00.002-05:00

Doc left me in for a few extra minutes in the second half. I was playing okay (Although I did airball a 3 pointer... because I started wondering if someone was gonna come block it). He mentioned that I would want to blog about a reverse layup I hit on a miss by a teammate...

I think it would be more fun to blog about my second technical foul ever (Doc has seen both). Third technically, but one was for attempting to enter a game when I had already fouled out (also only happened about once...). I was being fouled... THis is not unusual, but I thought it was getting bad... I would say he slapped my arms about four times... HE then had the ball. I yelled, "COME ON..." And the ref (Who has been refereeing games since I have been in STL) shook his head as in, "It wasn't a foul..." I was thinking, damn straight it wasn't... it was four. What I actually said was, "JUST SAY YOU DIDN'T SEE IT!!!" Not abusive words, but I was yelling very very loudly...

We were down ten at halftime. I told the ref what I did was childish and asked his forgiveness. He also called more fouls after that...

We won by 2.

It felt good...

I care about basketball a lot less than I used to, but I apparently still care enough to yell at a ref...

And now, I will make my blog private.

And post a picture of Tom Chambers... Can anyone else hear Dan Patrick saying, "Hurt the Rim Tommy..."

Tomorrow... Hurry!

2008-11-22T16:49:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I will be making my blog private... I was going to wait longer then realized anyone who wants to get ahold of me knows some way... other than my actual blog, to get ahold of me.

I will probably switch it late tonight or tomorrow...

For reasons I will make clear soon!

So, I think I need your email to let you read it.

So, make sure I know you read it (the most random people tell me they read it)

Cheez-Its

2008-11-19T10:15:00.002-05:00

Scott Sauls, our former pastor at Riverside, taught me as much as anyone about the Gospel.

He was a big fan of a couple of illustrations, but one (that to my knowledge he only used once) is totally stuck in my head.

He talked about his ability to sit down in front of the TV and eat an entire box of Cheez its. He said he ate the entire box because he doesn't believe the Gospel - not everywhere, not all the time. And, sometimes he wants to feel different and so he will sit down and eat an entire box of Cheez-Its while watching TV.

Luckily for me it is goldfish...

Fortunately or unfortunately there are a lot of things that I do - now that I have this illustration - that are because there are places where I simply do not believe that I am a mess and that I am loved.

Hmmmmm...

2008-11-18T16:23:00.001-05:00

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/17/AR2008111703682.html

Why I shouldn't write about Death

2008-11-11T16:11:00.002-05:00

Because it has been too close all year.

Because I don't know that I have much to say.

What is more scary to me is that so many have so much less to say. I went to a funeral - three weeks ago - at a relatively liberal church in my community. They were unwilling to say anything... Or maybe they had nothing to say. Maybe they were so busy deconstructing the Bible they forgot to see if it had anything to say - I don't know. I just know that at the funeral they had nothing to say. Luckily my friend's sister had good things to say.

I suppose my main message, from what I can tell about Jesus and the story he is telling is, "This is not the way it is supposed to be..." Seems like Jesus did a lot less comforting with the idea of Heaven than we (evangelicals... showing my cards: I am an evangelical) often do. Seems like he was moved by death, and he needed to provide a more powerful - yeah, material - redemption.

2 other things (I could expand the above one for pages... But I won't).

Why do we want knowledge? Is knowledge power, or is it just more knowledge? Or, is it a distraction to the grief process?

One of my friends died a few weeks ago and we do not know why. I think last year I would have wanted to know (she was in her 20's). I do not care as much now. I wish I knew her better. I was greatly appreciative of the stories told at the funeral - and of the space provided by the men presiding over the service to grieve, to enjoy, to think and pray (not the liberal, local church - this was actually a collaborative effort). I do not think knowledge is always power.

I was going to write about Hell, and how I am glad that the picture of God in the Bible punishes sin... But, I'm not sure I can muster the energy to do it any justice (pun not intended). Somehow, in my heart, these areas are all very tied.

assumptions

2008-11-07T16:30:00.001-05:00

I have resolved to assume less.

I wonder what life will be like when I can pull that off to some extent?

I think I will be a better man, husband, friend, etc.

I voted

2008-11-05T10:15:00.003-05:00

For Obama.

I thought about my vote a lot. I asked my brother - he teaches at a school in Chicago and was very kind of tolerate my conservative question. He gave me two options for thinking about it correctly: computational and ontological. If you know what that means please let me know... in the end Donald Miller expresses why I voted for Obama well. I have a lot of hopes on top iof this, but here is what he has said...

By the way, right after this picture was taken, Caroline fell over her pumpkin... But, going to the patch (albeit expensive) was really fun... And, we have the pumpkin (a green one) on our porch. Thanks Ross Chaffin for copying this post so I could then steal it (also).

"Burnside: Can you lay out your biggest reasons for supporting Barack Obama?

Donald Miller: First off, I know this is an odd thing for somebody in my position to do, to support a candidate for President. But I do feel this candidate is unique. Barack is the only candidate willing to talk about his faith in Jesus. Other candidates are reluctant, but Obama is not. He is the only one who has consistently talked about the cross, about redemption, and about repentance. Many white evangelicals have a misconception about Barack...they believe that because he is a Democrat, he cannot be a Christian. But times have changed, culture has changed, and political parties change. So one of the reasons I support Barack is because he is my Christian brother, and other Christians are rejecting him.

But that has little to do with his candidacy. In short, there are a few issues I agree with Barack on.

Senator Obama is going to move us past the impasse in our cultural war, something I think of as a cultural Vietnam. On the issue of abortion, he is the only candidate who has a plan to reduce the number of abortions. John McCain's only plan is the same old trick: say that you are pro life and offer no plan at all other than to criminalize abortion. I simply think that plan hasn't worked, and we have to face that fact and look for other ways to make progress.

I realize this is controversial, that there are many who would rather vote for a pro-life candidate and keep the abortion rate the same, on principle. And like them I believe in the sanctity of life, I simply think we need to begin making progress, and Barack is offering progress. He is also standing up to his own party on the issue and moving the party forward to elevate the issue of the sanctity of life within the Democratic Party. I also see this as progress. I do wish we could end abortion completely, but the Republicans have not spelled out a realistic plan to do so, and until they do, I won't vote for a candidate who simply throws us a pro-life line and no plan. It seems insincere.

But let me add this: I do wish Obama were pro-life. His plan to reduce the rate of abortion is a great step for the party, but I also wish he would defend the unborn to a greater degree.

However, at this point, in this election, with these two candidates, I think progress will be made with Barack. Not enough progress, but some progress, especially within the Democratic party, who may soften their stand on the sanctity of life.

A personal connection with me regarding Obama involves the initiative he is taking with responsible fatherhood. He has already drawn up legislation to change the welfare state to stop rewarding families whose fathers leave, and is working to change the economic structure so fathers who stay with their families are given tax relief. This has been an age-old problem that was written about in George Gilder's book Sexual Suicide. (Gilder's) book is a Conservative's economic manifesto, but Barack sees a lot of value in Gilder's ideas. But because Barack is a Democrat, Conservatives are unable to even consider his ideas."

Proof that Mom should always accompany Dad to the park

2008-10-10T13:44:00.001-04:00

So, I'm about to leave for a Men's Retreat, and don't have time to write much. What will be interesting is to see if Rachel reads this/views this post while I am gone!

She is great about knowing that both of us add things to the girls' lives that are indispensable and often cannot be manufactured by the other... But, sometimes doesn't 'feel good' when she sees pictures like this one.

Bigger Every Day...

2008-10-07T16:26:00.001-04:00

As requested

2008-10-07T16:25:00.000-04:00

The 6th Sense

2008-09-25T21:34:00.003-04:00

So, when I saw the Sixth Sense I was late. It made it a far more intriguing movie. I remember later seeing a shirt that said, "I see stupid people... they are everywhere... they always want to talk to me." I thought that the shirt was funny.

Today I heard the 60th story of a stupid person, responding stupidly to a friend of mine who is in crisis. We talked it over for awhile - attempting to become sad, rather than angry and offended.

Reminds me of when people ask me if they can do anything when it is clear I am hurting. I know they mean well, and it is a hair better than "how are you doing", but I would like to have each of them sit with me and we would talk about how it is harder... but better, to simply say "I'm sorry this is going on", or "I don't have the words... I'm sorry" (cheesy - sure).

I can't get my head around my own desire to fix, much less anyone else's. But, I am more and more aware of when we are left with margin - some answers, but not all. Some hope, but not so much that we aren't consistently in pain. Some ability to see beauty, but some obscurity even in that.

Right this second what saves me (honestly it has been saving me for a few weeks now), is a robust definition of the Gospel of Jesus. My old pastor used to say, "You're a mess and you're loved", and he would sometimes spend a few moments really stressing the second. I would add, "and you have a role to play in the great story... You're a mess, you're loved, and you have a role to play in the story." It really helps, it really applies everywhere, I really preach it to myself on a regular basis, it really helps me not be intimidated by my worldview source - the Bible... it doesn't make the pain go away, but it takes the pain seriously and seems to offer robust answers to really awful and difficult questions.

Thoughts?

Discuss...

Some have asked for pics

2008-09-23T10:49:00.000-04:00

So, the background of my computer changes all the time..

2008-09-23T10:35:00.001-04:00

And, I thought that others should get to enjoy what is often so special about that...

An Enjoyable Evening

2008-09-11T00:30:00.004-04:00

I have many good friends, one of them is Robbie Griggs. Thanks to Robbie I not only got to go to this debate tonight (Wednesday) for free, but afterwards I got to sit with his boss (one of my seminary professors) and one of the most famous atheists around - Christopher Hitchens.

It is late, because we got to sit together for a good bit and I'm sure that I will have more to write at some point. But, as I grow into my Christianity I am less convinced of the power of my persuasion and more convinced that life is a gift, God is in control and He is good. That being said, Christopher Hitchens is an enjoyable man to have a drink with. He can discuss religion, politics, and history with the best and he is well read. He is a bigger fan of Chesterton than C.S. Lewis, but he TOTALLY agrees with C.S. Lewis' proposition that it is irresponsible and ridiculous to consider Jesus (Hitchens calls him the Nazirite) anything other than liar, lunatic, or savior.

Mostly I listened to Dr. Doriani.

Although I think I caught him off guard by agreeing that many of Christianity's sins are evil (institutional sins in this case)!

Ultimately I enjoyed spending time with him, and with my friend Robbie, and with my professor.

I wonder if this will have a part two or three??? Maybe I should have sit with the Christian from the debate (D'Nesh D'Souza).

While I was there he ate salad, a bit of fried okra, had a Scotch (Some Glen...) and soda (what??? added soda??? yes...), and some Pinot Noir.

What fun it was... My mom said she doesn't usually like those things (although she listened to Bill Clinton the other night just to get herself worked up!), but I don't know if I would like the Dog Shows she goes to either!

Substance

2008-09-04T16:15:00.002-04:00

I wonder often about the word Substance. I think it is because I often wonder if knowing Jesus offers a substance to my life and to the world, whereas not knowing Him might lead one into a less and less substantive life. I'm not smart enough to exegete my own sentence, but sometimes I am very struck by the lack of substance of the things that upset us on silly days, and then on other days the substance is very thick.

Yesterday was a hard day. It didn't help that I overate (probably because it was a bad day) at lunch and made myself even more tired.

Luckily, I had the presence of mind to run to the park with Caroline. It rained lightly (which helped honestly), and Caroline seemed the only person or thing of substance to me... I love Julia and my wife, but hadn't seem them much and had been in school most of the morning. School seemed hollow and less meaningful than I hope it will feel on other days.

I realize I was angry. My grief has moved away from my other loved ones and is becoming more selfish - not in a bad way. What I mean is that I am thinking and dealing with it relative to my heart rather than worrying (only) about my mom or my brother or my grandmother.

I have the same answers about death and suffering and the world that I had before this. The answers seem the same - substantive, but not exhaustive. God still seems to me to be good, but the world a bit messier. I love so many things about C.S. Lewis' statement, "Do not come to me with spiritual answers or I will suspect that you do not understand."

I'm doing well today (hence the ability to blog). I do not know how I will feel tomorrow. Mom offers me a lot of strength, my girls offer a lot also.

Thoughts on Death and 3 Pointers

2008-08-18T23:52:00.002-04:00

Blogs are funny so I will give medium depth to this one.

I have buried 3 men in the past year who I respect as much as any men I know. Two grandfathers and my mother's husband. My paternal Grandfather was last december, and the other two were in the last three weeks.

Geeps/Jim Blazer Sr. was a good man. He was married over 60 years, his funeral was huge, and I loved him. He loved well - his wife, his four children, his many many grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I could go on and sound like an obituary, btu I know that he loved well. I know that when my parents were together he called my mom, "Pretty lady". I know that he didn't see her for almost 20 years, and when he saw her at my graduation he said, "Hey there pretty lady."

Richard Jorgensen loved my mother well. He was the most "man's man" I ever knew. He was drafted to play minor league ball, he had a hit record in the 50's, he was the president of a bank, and he married up to marry my mom. I performed the funeral, and it was easily the hardest thing I have ever done or participated in.

Donald Francis Toomey was a true Renaissance man. He was a successful professional photographer (took photos at the Nuremberg trials among other things), he was working on his second book about sacraments and missions in New Mexico (first book was on California missions and Father Junipero Serra), he made many local artists famous by writing about them in local magazines, he sold his collection of DH Lawrence books to the University of New Mexico for 25K (it was a big collection), he is the inspiration to many in our family for higher education, he stepped into a lot of gaps left by men in this family, and I didn't even mention his PHd in Geology...

It has been a rough few weeks.

Tonight I hit a 3 pointer to put us up one 49-48 against a good team (semi-finals of our league). About two minutes later I hit another to tie it at 52... I almost cried running back down the court, I really did... It was just such a simple gift, but it felt so basically good to my heart. We lost, but I was 2-2... I would rather we had won, but I appreciated the gift. My mom (who is having a much worse week than me... and yet, people keep asking how she is doing) says to not feel guilty when little things feel good. So, I'm admitting it felt good. It has been a long hard couple of weeks. My three girls have been rocks of joy and fun. My mom is going to be okay, because she is awesome. And... they weren't just gifts, I have shot several thousand 3 pointers... and Jody threw me two good passes.

My Trespassing Two Year Old

2008-08-11T20:22:00.002-04:00

So, we have tried to make this a fun summer for Caroline what with the new baby and all. So, today we went to Grant's Farm. I checked the website, set up the bike (because then it is free), and off we went.

As we roll in there are no cars. I recall that they don't open until mid-morning so I have a fleeting Clark Griswald, "We're the first ones here..." But, then I realize that the man I am looking at driving a golf cart was not John Candy and my heart sank. I asked if they were closed and he explained that I had mis-read the website twice - no Mondays and they are now on fall Schedule...

But, through conversation it was made clear that I could kind of go about the Clydesdales. It wasn't exactly open, but it wasn't exactly closed and we saw no people after the John Candy-character. It was wonderful, Caroline enjoyed being with the Clydesdales, and afterwards we went to the park. Perhaps just her and I and the Clydesdales were better than her and I and a thousand people with the other animals, the train, and the two free beers.

I could go on - I am amazed that she will sit in a swing for 40 minutes (and I have the sore forearms to prove it...). I love when she closes her eyes for five minutes at a time on the swing. I don't love the whining that accompanies her being two... but, maybe that makes the 40 minutes of silence on the swing magical.

It has been a hard week. All of my girls have been amazing. I should take her to the zoo or something tomorrow...

Camera Phones

2008-08-11T20:20:00.003-04:00

So, I think camera phones are silly... But I still use mine and occaisonally find a pic like this one...

Going Home

2008-07-11T09:51:00.002-04:00

So, I was reading yesterday and the author mentioned, with a qualification that his book is not about parenting, that the goal is to convince our children that we love them more than they could possibly imagine... And, that they are not the center of the universe.

That struck me pretty profoundly because I was at home in order to take care of my two year old. Three days ago, she didn't get out of bed for two hours - just laid there. She is talking less, and strangely - lots of n's "Daenny" is my name sometimes. This was the part I knew I wasn't as ready for as the other parts - the change for Caroline. My solution - talk to her about it, and make her play. I let her watch cartoons and have pizza and a popsicle (did I mention that she wasn't eating or drinking much either?), then we went to the pool. She loves the pool, and started to perk up within sight of it - but then she slid back down. Wanted me to carry her everywhere, and wouldn't engage in the things she loves to play with.

I talked to some parents I saw there - they had twins and then triplets!!! They said their twins still haven't gotten over the triplets being born, but that that is their lot in life and they stopped trying to overextend after a few months of trying that. It didn't fly well with me, but it was great advice. So, Caroline and I went to the slide. She did not want to go, but she wasn't protesting. I took her down ten times, she never walked, and for awhile didn't say she wanted to do it again. And, I kept telling her we were going to do it again (each time she would smile during the actual sliding); until she said "do it two more times???" Then she was back to normal and played with her noodle, ran, and then we went out to eat and she ate a plate of spaghetti (the shirt is now being stain-treated by Grandma).

We continue to talk with her, she is clearly worried about Mommy's ouchey, and life will never be the same again. But I have my beloved dialectical-parenting philosophy. Basic, but with no arrival - just the way I like it.

Oh yeah... and Rachel and I are going home in about an hour. I suppose it will be worse when they are both teenagers!

Want Caroline to Brush Mommy's Hair?

2008-07-09T11:24:00.002-04:00

Caroline did okay with Julia. Round two begins in about 20 minutes... She is a verbal processor so we will talk to her a lot (shocking that I would have a verbal kid...), she knows that Mommy has an ouchy. She knows that she was born here, and that helps her connect with Julia being born here... We have been buying her balloons when she visits.

Big Sister

2008-07-09T10:42:00.002-04:00

She can say who Julia is, that Julia is her sister, etc.

We're very interested in her reaction when she realizes Julia will not leave - ever.

This morning Caroline slept in for two extra hours (never happened)...