A January Post

So, I have an assignment to read about 20 different websites of missions organizations and world news sites. As I prepare to do this I was drinking a nice beverage, and then - because my back has been hurting - I sat in the massage chair Rachel got me for Christmas. Before I signed on my blog (and also before the mission sites) I looked at fountain pens on E-Bay and Paradisepen.com...

Seems a bit out of whack, and yet I believe the Gospel has as much to say towards religious people (if not more) as it does to irreligious people. Meaning: there is no rule about whether or not I can have a fountain pen (or three). But, there is this reality (regardless of my perception) that the point of money is more likely to put the world back together than it is to make me happy. I like big defintions... Remind me to tell you what I told the last teenager who asked me if God could make a rock so heavy he couldn't lift it.

Almost two years ago we took Caroline home from the hospital (March 18th). Now, on the first page of the book I made her through my computer (thanks IPHOTO), if I say, "There's Caroline just after she was born..." She will say, "She was very smushy" (Because that is the caption and because she is very verbal).

There are still people everywhere I know who seem to be drowning in life. My wife and I were watching In the Bedroom (because it is based upon a Short Story by my favorite author)... it is poignant about suffering and companionship.

I am leading a thingey about worldviews for seniors... They don't know if it is relevant... They don't know that the world will walk up to them every day and ask them in no uncertain terms where and how and why their worldview speaks to them... "What is your purpose... Why is the world such a mess... What happens when you die... Is there any hope... " There's one other one I can't even remember... Probably something about identity.

Thoughts?

The Road

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So, I just finished "The Road". My mom wants my brother (a Philosophy professor) to lead a discussion on it sometime in Denver (where she lives, he teaches in Chicago). So, I got it for my birthday. Everyone on this side of the family has read it.

I wish I had read it before I had a daughter, even though it is easier to understand now.

I am glad I have read McCarthy before (Blood Meridian), and was aware of how dark of a writer he is.

It is the saddest book of fiction I have ever read. Although I did not cry - it was too stark of a sadness to cry, too well done, too many ashes everywhere "If I'm not allowed to cry you're not..." I am moved I suppose. But, I think I stereotype "being moved" as a good thing. I was moved at Dachau. Fiction cannot capture the reality of Dachau, but I suppose The Road might be one of the closest.

The two books that did make me cry - A Severe Mercy (twice) and the Killer Angels (when Chamberlain makes his men salute their confederates). See why I didn't cry? I cry at weird stuff.

They make a lot of McCarthy's books into movies, and this one was an Oprah pick (I will have to find out what she thought. Seriously) so it will certainly be a movie. I will not want to see it, but I will probably see it.

Why are we so obsessed with the end of the world? How many movies and stories exist about it? My brother eventually wants to write about how Apocalyptic works serve to display what we think is of ultimate value. This is apparently a brand of philosophy known as aesthetics. I thought I knew what aesthetics were... things have too many meanings.

I hope that there is more hope than darkness upon the Road. Caroline exists to show me that there is.

Autumn

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Tony Campolo, who writes as prolifically as anyone (except maybe Phillip Roth and some Romance Novelists), and a couple of years ago he wrote a book after surveying a large number of people who were over 100 years old. He had three main points after surveying them: they wished they had risked more, spent more energy to leave a legacy, and reflected more.

I have been praying and thinking about growing stronger, mainly in the area of reflecting (the other two I don't struggle with as much).

This year I have been struck over and over and over by the Fall. My street curves and the colors are wonderful (and I have a thing for curvy streets).

I have a good friend who was recently admitted to the hospital for grief and anxiety, I have friends who have been wounded deeply by their church and cannot see straight because of it, I'm beginning my first sermon series ever (in front of a church on a Sunday morning)... And, I am still struck by Autumn.

Thoughts? Are you better at reflecting when your life is chaos? Does the Fall touch something deep in your soul?

Alexei Fyodorovitch

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I love the idea of books. Sometimes I also love books. I wrote my Senior Thesis on the Brothers Karamozov (even though I did not finish it for months). I think I received a "c" on the paper.

Now, I'm reading it with a group of guys and enjoying it even more.

As I have said before, it often seems as though everyone around me is drowning, and sometimes it seems like the water threatens me also. Alyosha, (the youngest of the brothers proper, second youngest really) is having a similar day - his brothers are scheming or scoundreling, his mentor lays dying in the same room, his father a reprobate, and a random crippled woman from his childhood has just professed her undying love for him.

These are Dostoyevshy's words as Alyosha lays down in his cell at the monastery, "He slowly replaced the note in the envelope, crossed himself and lay down. The agitation in his heart passed at once. "God have mercy upon all of them, have all these unhappy and turbulent souls in Thy keeping, and set them in the right path. All ways are Thine. Save them according to Thy wisdom. Thou art love. Thou wilt send joy to all!" Alyosha murmured, crossing himself, and falling into peaceful sleep."

I prayed this prayer last night, and will likely pray it again...

Just a wonderful picture

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Do I really need to comment on this pic?

Communication

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So, I commented on another blog and it was all deep and heady stuff. Not really, but I didn't get to talk about my daughter. The other blog gets like 3 billion hits a day, and i suppose that means people would rather discuss religion, philosophy, people than my daughter. But, as for me and my blog... we would rather talk about Caroline and maybe tie it in to something else...

We went to the park yesterday after I spent most of the morning engrossed in my studies. Caroline likes the park, there are things to climb on, steps to go up, three slides to go down (one she can do with me just waiting at the bottom), a squirrel that sort of bounces (although he/she recently lost a handle), a very strange rock/paper/scissors game, and four swings (two for small kids, two for kids who know how to swing).

She is pretty good about telling you where she wants to go, asking for help and all that. So, we move to the black swing (for little people) and she swings on it for about 15 minutes. Keep in mind she is 17 months old - NOTHING holds her attention that long (except for a few choice books - Go, Dog Go and a book of 9 stories she refers to as "Timmy" because the first story is called "Busy Timmy" - more on Timmy Later). I am pushing her pretty high (mom wasn't at the park), and she is alternating between regular swinging, leaning back and looking up, leaning forward and looking down. She's not laughing a ton, but she is smiling and saying "Whee-Uh" a lot. I become concerned she may get sick so I take her off.

Instead of going to the slide (s) the wonky-Squirrel (usually her second choice after swinging), the climbing stuff (she can climb one of them), or the bouncey bridge we go to the Yellow Swing (still for smaller kids), and she says "S-ing s-ing!", so we swing in the Yellow Slide for about 5-7 minutes. I take her out not wanting her to have left the park without sliding, etc. So, she takes my hand and leads me to the 3rd swing (for big kids), and we do that oen together for about ten minutes.

It was awesome, I have to hold her with one arm and remember when to bend my knees and when to straighten them but the sun is setting (beginning to anyway), she is talking to me, "Hi Daddy, hi daddy, hi daddy... Timmy, Oh Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Oh Timmy Oh Timmy..." (Rachel and I think she is sad for Timmy because if you pay attention you notice Timmy knows no actual people and lives a very sad life).

At the same time we are within 30 minutes of bed-time so I again set her down on the ground thinking we can slide a few times and maybe go to the bridge (Dad is good at shaking the bridge). Nope, on to Swing Number Four... She actually tries to climb into it which was awesome because it is over her head, but no one told her so she is grabbing it and trying to swing her leg into it...

I think she likes to be held, but there must be something else going on (cartoons, a swing, a book). Caroline is one of two very fortunate people who I really like to touch and be touched by (my wife being the other) - this is unfortunate for our cat, Batman. Therefore, it was wonderful to just swing for awhile. This park is shaded so we didn't sweat a ton, it is a relatively pretty park with a big field between us and the sun. There were other dogs so the nice melody of our dog, Ron, moaning to womp the other dogs simply added to the afternoon. Okay, the last part was sarcastic... Nevertheless, it was a wonderful trip to the park. We didn't need to play hard, we just needed some quality time with Dada...

Happy-Tired

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I preached this morning at church (www.riversidestl.org if you're interested there is an MP3). My mom, sister, step-dad, and nephew were here for it. My wife was gone over the weekend till my sermon... I have a Greek Mid-Term tomorrow.

The beginning of this blog sounds like the line from "Risky Business". "I have a Trig Mid-Term Tomorrow... I should be at home studying. Instead I'm being chased by Guido the killer pimp... I think I'm gonna throw up... I think I'm gonna throw up on you Joel." The last part was just so everyone knows my brain is pretty funny when it comes to movie lines.

Caroline is discovering a lot about the world. The picture I failed to capture was about 1 minute before this one when the water hit her in the face. To say she was either happy or sad is adding emotion - she was surprised. She was more curious, but more thoughtful also. Hence, 'I want to touch it, but I don't know about how close it ought to be.'

Sometimes she mixes words together like "Happy-Tired" which is how I feel right now. It was a good weekend. I'm not super-worried about making a high A on my test tomorrow (see previous blog post), but I feel weary. I have energy, but feel drained in general...

Today I feel tired towards the aspect of life that gives you things you sense you must do well (in this case Greek III), and things you are passionate about but have trouble finding the time for (in this case the Sabbath Study I am doing). But, I will keep pushing - to pass Greek 3, continue reading and writing about rest, and to be present in all relationships. That last bit is because I like hanging out with my daughter andthe rewards go up when I just watch her, follow her around, read to her when she wants to be read to - a lot. Lately a book about "Busy Timmy".

I still see and sense many friends and family members drowning around me. I feel mature in knowing how little I can, and how much the little I do often means.

I wish to be inspired, but offer myself the grace of sleep and the rewards that come with perseverance towards the things like Greek (obligations) and things like an independent study/book project on the Sabbath (joy). And the grace of sleep...

The Need to Quantify

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I think grades are hilarious. Every time I receive a quiz, test, or paper back my heart rate goes up just a little and I get some chills. Not because I like grades (or definitely not because I make straight a's - haven't since 4th grade), it is because my life, efforts, and thoughts have become quantifiable in a precise manner (relative to the professor).

I know a lot of people are sort of addicted to school and learning, and I know a lot of people associate school with Hell. I think one of the reasons is that we do work (which is not, in and of itself, unique) and then someone grades it.

At work we are (hopefully!) reviewed. We may be reprimanded, given a pat on the back, given a raise, given a demotion, given some kind of ultimatum, etc. Generally though ,it is somewhat abstract and we can come up with reasons (we do this in school too) why things worked out the way they did.

One of the things that separates school is the forgettableness of it. My COmputer is currently telling me that that is not a word... FYI. We get our grade, it makes us happier, sadder, more frustrated, and then we move on (unless we have to take the class again). I just think it is interesting.

I recently turned 30 and am in school again for the first time since December of 2000 (when I graduated from college). It is harder and easier, I'm better and worse at it, I care less and more (all of these comparisons could be explored in a different - less abstract blog), and it seems funny to me how I react to a quiz when I get it back.

Safety

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It seem I have a lot of friends who are drowning. One called tonight... I still haven't checked my messages.

Caroline (my daughter) and I were having a rough time with her sleep routine. The problem, as I see it, was that she loves for me to read her books (she loves for everyone to read her books, but as her dad I get to do it a lot). So, I asked Rachel what she does and she says when Caroline fights drinking her Organic Whole Milk - Rachel sings to her for a few minutes (usually "I love you Lord") and Caroline will then drink her milk.

I tried it. After Knuffle Bunny (A Cautionary Tale by Mo Willems) and The Going to Bed Book (Sandra Boynton) I offered the milk. It was refused. I held Caroline close to me and sang her MLK by U2. It was pretty interesting. She fights a little, but she hugged a little too, and she rubbed her eyes (THE sign of tiredness). Then she drank her milk and went to sleep.

I have probably done this 5-6 times since Rachel coached me back to a solid bed-time delivery, and every time I want to blog about it. I want to talk about Safety, parents and their accompanying issues, my baby girl and how I am the king of cheesiness in what I sing to her... But, sometimes I get on line and read other people's blogs about George Bush, the sunrise or if they want to buy a fiat... Some of them seem like very important things that we ought all to be talking about. Some seem interesting, but hard to relate to.

I think I am still chewing on hearing Donald Miller speak about six months ago. I wrote down a bunch of my fears and goals for this year. The summer is big for both of them... I am also still chewing on Tony Campolo saying that in a series of interviews with people who lived to be over 100 they almost invariably said they wish they risked a bit more and reflected a bit more... And something else. I blogged about it a couple of years ago... I like reflecting on my daughter, she is squishy and innocent and fun. Today she said "Go dog Go" from a book. I will pray for my friends, the ones who seem to be drowning and the ones who don't, I will pray for my daughter because she will not always be like this, and I will pray for my heart that I will not fear.

The End of an Era

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So, an older gentleman turned pretty quickly over a single white line and hit my front wheel of my motorcycle about two and a half weeks ago. Yes, I'm fine. Bike? Not so fine... State Farm called yesterday and said they would pay me 3400 for the bike (more than I paid, don't tell), or 2400 and I get to keep it - then i would have a salvaged title.

I was already planning on getting rid of it, but taking off the license plates and knowing I will never ride (at least this one) again was hard. I think a lot of it is the little kid in me (little boy might be more appropriate) who is sad that he is losing a toy. I think there is some entitlement (as though my bank account won't love the money - which will go straight to school loans!) in there... And, I will miss it. IN the final few weeks I had taken to riding with my visor open to feel the wind. I had found several back roads where I felt alone. I was unable to talk on the cell phone or listen to sports or NPR - very relaxing.

There are many reasons I felt very good (till yesterday) about getting rid of it. But the cathartic nature of this particular blog is not to debate but to mourn. Good bye to my bike... basic, fun, dangerous, often-not-seen by elder men, a pain to maintain and even to ride (takes longer to get places because wifey doesn't like me on the high way), but a motorcycle nonetheless. If I ever see John Eldredge again I will ask if he is disappointed in me...

Where is your tent???

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My wife and daughter are with the in laws because I had a retreat with 4,5,6th graders this past weekend, and now they are getting some things done while I study for Finals. It is relaxing, but never as much as I think. Partly because I miss them, but also because I still buy into what Brueggemann calls, "techno-therapeutic, militaristic consumerism" which is his description of our society...

But, I'm working on it.

2nd Blog - Looks like the same one because I don't have another picture that I'm dying to put up...

I have so many friends who are hurting. Two family members who are in great physical pain... So many friends who seem to be near-drowning emotionally.

A couple of years ago I would have been more interested in fixing them, now it just makes me sad. I'm just amazed by the lack of wholeness in the world and the apparent seamlessness within the Christian Community. It does not seem to me that "we" are more or less whole... It seems that we cannot grasp, or drink in, or embrace, or understand or realize the words of healing and truth of Christ...

Is wholeness possible?

I'm not even writing this bummed out, I just wish I knew how to go into my tent (mine isn't pink) and sit there and rest... I do desire and need and will continue praying for healing for my many friends who are drowning physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually...

Inspiring???

One of my older brothers said that my blog is inspiring. He was talking about posting on his own site: greenegenes.net But, then someone else said that the picture of Caroline and I at the Ocean looks like one of those posters with a 'hard-to-follow' quote at the bottom.

I have to say. There is nothing like having a child to remind us that there are wonderful things in the world. Furthermore, she is amazing to watch. She can climb stairs, has started talking (not to us, in English, but talking nonetheless), and you can actually see her thinking (about things like: should I army-crawl or regular crawl, eat all the cheerios or one by one...).

What I'm saying is, life is pretty amazing (and also pretty dark - but I'm not writing about that). I think I wish I were still learning and growing at the rate she is. My friends and family would certainly appreciate it I think.

What is amazing to you? Even if today was difficult... What is beautiful?

We love Plastic Fruit

I love that my baby becomes more and more alert to us and her surroundings. She puts her hands up when she is done eating; we say, "All Done?" and she does it again... and woe to him or her who might ask Caroline if she wants to eat after putting her hands up.

She waves at everyone these days... She cries when I leave (I'm sure this will get old at some point)... She sort of imitates our noises. it is just awesome...

Family Everywhere

We have family everywhere, and I don't think they check the blog, but they should have these pictures...

Ocean or Mountain

Despite the fact that I used to live in the mountains I think I am more of a beach fellow. I don't die a little inside if I haven't been to the beach that year, but I do like the ocean a lot.

I think this is one of thoe questions like, "If you could fly or be invisible which would you choose?"

Our vacation was very nice. I read my first Phillip Roth book, played in he sand with my baby (ocean was too cold her her), we rode bikes, it was very relaxing to not e-mail, use my cell phone, keep up with the tournament, or even study. If Rachel and I could have kept our allergies at bay it would have been bliss instead of 'very nice'...

Caroline liked it very much, and didn't get sick...

Fear and Vacations

So, here is my daughter after her first cupcake...

I remember the day I wrote my last blog very clearly, even though we are one day shy of a month removed.

Life is tricky and weird and goofy, and some days I want no part of it. By 'it', I simply mean the difficulty of being near so many people and them being near me. I suppose many have the opposite problem with life: not enough people, connection, or whatever in their life... Ahhhhh the human condition in all it's dualistic splendor!

Sunday (the 18th) is Caroline's Brithday, but we celebrated today (Saturday) because of our vacation schedule - and because Sundays are terrible for the naps.

As you can see, she enjoyed demolishing her cupcake (You should've seen the cupcakes... mom out-did herself). The latest numbers have it that 40-68% of said cupcake was in fact consumed by Caroline. The rest was scattered to the wind, the bath she entered directly following the cupcake, her carefully-smocked dress, and to Ron (our dog).

If you have a Spring Break enjoy it, if you don't make sure you do nothing for some ofthe weekend - that pesky 4th commandment and all...

Just Keep Moving

I struggle with fear. Many of my friends do not think that I do, and i hope that I do not respond to life in a fearful manner. Regardless of those issues, I feel fearful right now. I have no idea if it is for a good reason or not, but my hands are shaking a little and my stomach feels very queasy...

On a better note, I do love my daughter, and as this picture indicates: she loves me!

Two Plus Two Equals Evolution

So, a friend of mine has a really smart child. I mean, he's just over two and speaks in sentences, he get's context, it's crazy. Anyway, the other day they are at the dinner table and my friend and his wife are asking the boy (we'll call him Charlie, because that is his name) questions to keep him entertained while they finish their dinner.

His dad, Robbie, (running out of questions) asks him, "Hey Charlie, what's 3 times 6?" Charlie says, "Eighteen." Robbie and his wife look at each in astonishment, then Robbie thinks for a second, and asks Charlie, "Hey Charlie, what's 4 times 6?" Charlie answers, "Eighteen!"


While I'm certain that that is a good illustration of something I haven't yet dtermined what it is. So, I just keep tellingthe story because I like it.

And I blog because I like blogging.

And I post pictures of my daughter because she is awesome.

There are some pictures that don't exist electronically that you will just love...

So, my question is: Why do we need answers so badly? I can think of so many things about God that are hard to reconcile (trinity, suffering, 2 bizillion denomination - course that isn't really about God is it) and I wonder why it is so complex. I heard a professor talking about the date of Genesis One, and he dodged it by asking us if we thought the author of Genesis was attempting to answer that question...

I myself, having heard that before, was not so much moved. But, I wonder if the same things that bother so many people (or at least they say they do - as I get older it REALLY just seems like everyone is wounded and they have other things they talk about) are some of the very things God left vague to keep us in awe; to keep us constantly trying to reconcile some of the coolest things about ourselves, him, and this very strange world. Probably too many infinitives and prepositions in that sentence...

What a picture though right!

Perspective

So, until recently I was a youth pastor. Wow, that sounds funny to say...

Anyway, Youth Pastors generally take their kids on 'Mission Trips'. Sometimes to places like Tiajuana where they build stuff, sometimes to the Bahamas (I am not making this up) where they sleep on the floor of a church, rebuild it, and do a VBS there, sometimes to Indian Reservations where the alocholism and poverty are more rampant than most can imagine. For the past few years I have actually been taking our kids to a camp for kids with special needs.

One of the reasons I do this is people generally come back from a trip with this, "This trip really opened my eyes..." kind of an attitude. And I think there is a lot more to be had. I think God offers service as a gift for us, and foir others. I think he has a redemptive plan for the whole world and one of the most exciting things I know of is participating in that plan...

Recently some friends were over and they had just heard a speaker who lives in a poor section of Philadelphia. It was an amazing story really; I wish I knew the guy's name who spoke (journeyon.net I'm sure it's on there somewhere). Anyway, one of my friends kepot talking about what great luxury we live in (and by we she meant herself, her husband, me, etc.), and she is totally correct - most of us do live in great luxury. The poverty line is right around 19,000 a household; even youth pastors are way above that!

But, I was thinking after she left - isn't the idea greater than one of perspective? Perspective reminds me of the flip side of guilt. 'A new perspective on my life' seems to only work for a little while, and I often wonder (especially when people come back from a trip with 'a new perspective') if they didn't miss part of the greater point. Now, don't get me wrong here - a fresh dose of perspective can be a great thing (similar, again, to guilt); but, I think it can only be a great thing if it is accompanied by a true look at our life philosophy. What do we truly think about money, the real heart of that issue? Do we really care about poverty and the marginalized, and if so are we taking steps (not just financial) to help these problems?

I heard an amazing talk when I was a sophomore in college by a guy who is studying (now) to get his PHD in math so he can teach people how to teach math... Man, what a weird guy! Anyway, he said that when we are motivated by guilt (he had this circle graph too, it was awesome) we get passionate about doing or not doing something, until the guilt fades after a period of time. Then we are okay, until we are not okay and again confronted with this issue again. Because we stopped on account of guilt we have no real foundation for change, and we will slip again, feel bad again, stop whatever the problem was, but only until the guilt fades again.

I think it is similar with perspective. When we see things on the news, experience them on a trip or on accident or on the street we must consider whether our philosophy includes these problems. Every day we are engaging with amazing issues such as poverty, racism, classism, etc. When we are shocked and give some money away that is okay, but a true evaluation of the depth, breadth, and contents of our philosophy is much more powerful.

Wow... haven't written this much in awhile. I think it is because my friend Patti is going to Cambodia for two years with the peace corps. I linked her blog; go read it. And, enjoy the picture of Caroline Kelton Blazer in the pink sweater her grandma sent!

Prunes Anyone???

How in the world could I not post this picture???

I have a question that has nothing to do with my messy baby, or the fact that mom gives her prunes periodically to... well... Um, if you don't know what prunes do, check on Wikipedia or something...

Why is it that everyone, when you ask for more time for friendship, a good cause, or whatever all of a sudden is shockingly broke, busy, and exhausted? Is it a priority thing? Is it true? Is it partly true?

Thoughts???

I know the second one is my favorite excuse, and I usually use my wife and baby as excuses... When the tired one hits I usually fall back on, "Am I really tired or are my prioroities mixed up?" (because I am thinking that I am tried because i didn't do something (like read, watch a movie, some work, hang out with my baby, wash my car) for a series of reasons...) Oh yes, I will use double Parentheses if I need to!

You?

Loneliness

My wife and baby are in memphis visiting family (and fleeing the 85 foot tall tree we are having cut down), and so you might think this post is about that. It is not.

I am simply amazed by the ways we (and by 'we' I mean myself) put ourselves out there. I have a podcast, a blog, a facebook, a myspace, an e-mail address, and an AIM name. I have GREAT reasons for each one: podcast - Mike asked me to do one, and I can't refuse Mike anything. Blog - lately, it is my excuse to put pictures of my daughter all over the place. Facebook - I'm a youth pastor, I can comunicate with 100 kids in three minutes using Facebook. Myspace - there are friends who only use Myspace, and that is the only way to read their blogs. E-mail - I have sent over 5000 e-mails since I came to work for Greentree. AIM - I have had blzrscool for 13 years now!

Anyway, I am amazed at how we put ourselves out there (often different selves for different venues), and yet we are still so lonely. Chap Clark said (to 700 Jr. high kids) that loneliness is the human condition. I think he is right, and when I think about how lonely most people (and myself many days) are, my heart is broken.

I wonder if the great irony is going to be all this technology pushing us back into human contact because it is such a great need in all of our lives. I wonder if the lesser irony, everyone sitting at coffeeshops typing away with their headphones on, will ever strike anyone like it does me...

Thoughts?

SAD and Lloyd Dobbler

Seasonal Affective Disorder; many people are somewhat affected by this. It is simply when the weather changes afffect your mood; for good or for ill. Today I feel close to depressed. It is, in fact, gloomy outside. I am about to transition jobs and am less able than usual to flee to the idol of productivity. I was hoping to just sit and read my Bible when I got to my coffee shop (from whence come all podcasts and most blogs because of their coveted high speed connection). I haven't don't that yet.

My great friend Mike Higgins has a cliche' riddled paragraph about attitude on his desk. Lloyd Dobbler thinks similarly, "Why can't you just decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood?" Webel has always fought to be controlled by anything, which seems like the antithesis of most people I know who are just looking for an excuse to act tired, etc. Isn't everyone tired and busy though?

I just wonder how much I am supposed to fight? How much am I just supposed to roll with it and look forward to tomorrow, hurt as few people as possible in the process? Or should I seach out what the real problem is and address it?

Pictures like this make me wonder how I could ever be in a bad mood...

(My wife and baby)

Change

It is hard for me when a philosophy is presented that is not a philosophy. These recent elections (I'm of course writing from Missouri) had an interesting result that seemed more about 'change' than any particular political platform; unless of course rejecting a platform is a platform!

Examples of my earlier point: loyalty, sincerity, and 'change' are not, in and of themselves good or bad, they just are... I heard someone say yesterday (he happens to drive a jaguar and his silver hair - so, stereotype and judge all you want), "Well, Claire McCaskill won't be able to find her way to Washington, so it isn't a big deal..." His comment made me sad. I did not vote for McCaskill, but I do support many policies that she claims to hold. More importantly, I want her to do well because she is in office. This is not a war anyone lost (hopefully!) it is politics...

My fear is that we were so busy screaming for change we weren't paying attention to the issues, our own hand in shaping them, etc. Instead, we were busy reacting to things we don't like. I think of Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black answering Will Smith's question, "Why not tell people, they're smart, the could handle it?" "A person is smart; people are dumb stupid animals and you know it..."

I myself wonder if I voted as a person or as a group of people. I also wonder what the recent changes in our nation will bring.

Settling

What does it mean to settle?

Can someone reconcile for me the difference between buying into the American Dream (which I would say is a fallacy, in that it doesn't deliver anything emotionally - instead it just delivers stuff) and the flip side of our culture not (generallly???) having the courage to believe in the romance of life... Are we, in fact, settling for the American Dream?

And, of course, one more picture...

Just a picture

the discussions are waning, but I don't want anyone to miss out on some of our latest pics...

Giving

I'm pretty sure this blog is supposed to be about going to game five of the series... I did stand on 7th street for an hour high fiving people after the game...

But, I want to know (and my e-friends, with the one noteable exception, are not responding super-well to these questions) how much we should give to one another. One of the counselors I used to see used to draw a circle and then a line in the middle of it. He would then talk (briefly because he is a very good counselor) about when one person gives 50%, the other only 25, how there is then a void... (and what should we do with that void???)

I think everyone responds to the void differently, give more, give the same (His solution) amount you were before, give less (kind of a negative reaction I would think, but one could argue for it), or chuck the relationship entirely.

Lately, I have become really aware of how much and how many relationships I desire, but I realize also I don't know how to love many of my friends well. Some live in town and I don't do well, some live in South Carolina and I don't do well. Some live in New Jersey and I think we do a fine job... (Those are all people, I'm not good at 'examples' who are truly anonymous... )

How do you give? When do you feel like you could give more? Are your friendships improving at this point in your life? I didn't even get into family... So much harder, yet with so much more natural love there...

I put in a picture of my wonderful daughter because 1. She is the main attraction to my blog. 2. This is HER FRIEND, Princess Poodelina Rose, and 3. She is currently asking me very sternly if I could (perchance?) leave the keyboard and fix her some applesauce and barley.

E-Mail

I just received an e-mail from someone (I do not know who because they did not leave a name) who was listening to my podcast for some time apparently... They will no longer be listening after a comment I made where I said, "Jesus screwed all this up..."

I honestly don't remember exactly what I was talking about and am forced to assume this was in response to my last podcast about sub-cultures and counter-cultures and my own interpretation of which one Jesus was promoting through his Gospel.

The writer also was astute in pointing out that I am too-often abstract. I mean it that she/he was astute, I am abstract - I think that way, write that way (much to the chagrin of professors), and have always been led to teach that way (much to the chagrin of the students I get to teach).

I have two purposes in writing this blog: one to explain to the writer how their e-mail made me feel, and two: to fight e-mail as an actual mode of communication.

It sent a chill through my body, especially through my neck, and made my heart beat faster. Because I do not know exactly how the writer felt, I am again forced to assume that she/he was left upset by the comment I made. There was no dialogue. For all I know the listener has more knowledge and education about everything I talk about than I do. So, I am left with my heart beating quickly and no resolution whatsoever. I would be interested to know how I was wrong, i would be excited to ask forgiveness if i had offended, and I would be more than willing to talk if there was a misunderstanding. Instead I am left to write this blog...

A pastor in Michigan calls gossip verbal pornography because we want the rush of being in someone else's life without taking the time and energy to be in their life. It might be an imperfect analogy, but hey, it isn't mine! The point with e-mail is similar. If you have something to communicate that is more than just news/weather/sports - please communicate it in a two-sided way. I would like to write adjectives about my opinions about these e-mails. I won't. I just wish we might all learn a little something about people, and how to love them well this side of the New Heavens and the New Earth - we could start by communicating...

Leaving a Legacy

I know I want to do this... I know some aspects... and I know I want it to be me-specific... is that bad? What does it mean to leave a legacy? how much of it is your family? How much is it like getting published or something...


I took this picture (unlike almost all of the others... taken by my wife). I love my daughter, she is such a trip...

reflect

So, this picture is about relflection (The thing I'm bad at). We also took a picture of our feet: one set very small, one a woman's size six, one a man's size 10... Very fun picture...

But, this one is about my most powerful calling: my family...

What do you wish you reflected more upon

Anthony Campolo

If you went to my high school, his name might conjure up a bad image but I love his stuff. he uses the same analogies (largely from his own life) over and over and so what - they're great analogies (like throwing a birthdy party for a hooker he had just met)...

Anyway, one of his talks is based loosely on the three things people who live to be over 100 years old wish tey had done differently...

Risk, Reflect, and leave more of a legacy for when they are gone...


How do you do at those three things? I think I am good at the first, awful at the second, and consistently thinking about the third...

This picture is in honor of taking risks...

Saving, redemption, or Psalm 8???

So, that is not me, but I did catch two fish like that one (and one small shark), fishing the other day off of Amelia Island in Florida. That large fish, a tarpon, does fight a lot and the second one (maybe a shade over 100 pounds) made me walk around the boat 12 times before he was tired enough for me to pull him in and pull out the hook.

I wonder why we like fishing and hunting so much? My guide is this strange mixture of environmentally conscious and not-so-much... It is probably an occupation thing, but Captain Jim will not kill a fish; but, he is an active deer hunter (although he only goes after very large bucks). Anyway, I was enjoying the fishing a lot, but I noticed that Captain Jim would always set the Tarpon right in the water to facilitate them swimming back down into the ocean (we didn't pull them on to the boat). This seemed very exciting, and with my second (and last) Tarpon, I asked him if I could cut the hook off and set the fish right so he wouldn't have trouble swimming back down. Captain Jim said, "You can do whatever you want!"

And that was the highlight of my afternoon. That, and not losing another finger to another rope! Seriously though, my favorite part was not the 45 minutes it took me to win the battle with my tarpon, but it was setting his top fin upright again and pushing him under the water to watch him swim away.

Psalm 8 is more cosmological than anything, but it refers to subduing the Earth. I wonder if we stop thinking too early, if we forget to be New Covenant Thinkers with a Scripture like that. Relative to Jesus shouldn't we subdue the Earth in order to set it free? Isn't the point of Jesus to redeem the whole world? Heaven is all well and good, but as I look at Scripture - and the deep places of my heart - I have a great desire for the New Heavens and the New Earth.

This is not personified in me pushing the Tarpon back under the water, but I do think it alludes to my heart desiring not to dominate this creature... I think that is mistaken, what I really want is to see the beginnings of redemption everywhere... Again, the analogy falls short quickly! but, as I was leaning over the boat, laying on the floor, pushing this massive fish under water... I juts wonder if we don't wrap up our theology too quickly in Heaven, saving folks, tithing, etc. A Cosmic redemption sounds much more exciting to me; much more like Good News.

But, enough about me... What do you think?

The Sig

So, I don't have a picture of the Sig... At least not on my computer... Maybe I should "Google Image" him. But anyway, I promised him I would not only podcast. but that I would podcast about him. Everyone I know who knows the Sig likes him; I have often wished I were that type of guy, but I am glad there aren't millions like himk because then he wouldn't be so unique...

The other main thing you should know about Sean Sigillito is that I always tell the same story about him and that story should not become history (in the form of the internet - created by Al Gore - for just such a time as this). I wanted to schedule a girl's night out for our junior high girls because, well, girls like to hang out... So, being a circular, reciprocating youth pastor I also scheduled a guy's night out. We boxed (among other things), and Sig was the unlikely hero of the boxing night (I suppose you could say that we are "that church" that allows it's kids to box). Sig was the hero becuase at the time he was only in the 6th grade and a little smushy around the mid-section, but during the boxing he absolutely pounded one of the most cocky 8th graders in our church, we will call him Chester. Chester plays one or two sports very well, has had many girlfriends, and has asn awkwardly low voice for an 8th grader (he isn't especially tall or large either).

Anyway, we didn't allow the kids to hit in the face or below the belt (we aren't "that church"... well, yeah, we are, but we still didn't let them hit there). And I wasn't so sure about the matchup between Chester and Sig, but once the gloves were on Sig went straight to work. His style is to cradle one arm in a defensive stance, and to upercut all day wit hthe otehr one. Furthermore, Sig used his substantial mass (at the time) to block Chester from moving around and utilizing his greater speed. Sig proceeded not just to pound Chester out of the ring, but into submission also... it was one of my favorite moments in my 10ish years in Youth Ministry...

Thanks Sig.

Podcasting

I actually podcast...

Arrogant... Weird... I might have three listeners... But here is the address: It might be more satisfying than blogging... the jury is still out... one more set of ellipses...

http://web.mac.com/mattblazer/iWeb/Site/Podcast/Podcast.html

Steve McQueen

So, I've received some complaints about not updating my blog enough. I apologize. I think that my impression of blogging was that it was about dialogue, about important ideas, etc. But, I now know that it is more about sharing yourself on the internet. Sounds Creepy, but I enjoy reading other people's, so I should probably have the courtesy to update my own: that is the best I can do right Cary?
I doubt many of the kids I am hanging out with this week even know who Steve McQueen is, but they are on a trip that might have a different name without his silver screen heroism: the Great Escape. It is a strange trip. I could write for hours about what we are doing, what is working, etc. They would generally be theologically erroneous statements though...

And, that doesn't seem to be the point of a blog.

Instead, I think I will list in small detail some of the things our group has been caught doing/accused of/labeled as. Keep in mind that many of these poor volunteers (from other churches) are simply here because no one else would go. Many others are dumb!!!

Throwing Water Balloons out of a 4th story window (true - unsupervised)
Cheating During recreation (true - supervised by Blazer, although there were no scores kept and no winners or losers determined, one day I went over the edge...)
Stealing the skit prop 'The Holy Grail' (true - unsupervised, although encouraged by Mike Higgins and then the rest of the leaders)
Swimming in the fountain, which apparently has many chemicals in it (true - multiple times, unsupervised)
Firing Water Balloons at the Work Crew tent instead of into the field (true, Blazer)
Saving too many seats at the front of the auditorium (we had trouble not laughing at the inanity of this particular accusation, as did the leadership)
Breaking a windshield of a car with a football (true - Higgins punting)
Firing off fireworks affter curfew in a state that it is illegal (NC), (True, Blazer, although the director of the camp, a 20 year YM guy, took us to a better spot when he caught us)

There are more... We labeled one leader 'Hilary Faye' (SAVED) because she enjoys worship VERY VERY MUCH, and told on us more than once. We enjoyed being 'those leaders' and 'that church' because our kids had more fun that way.

Amazing

We watched a video in our Lamaze/Infant Care Class where a baby slowly made his way up his mom's tummy to feed over the course of an hour or so... (without any help, right after being born).

The first thing our instructor said was, "Isn't that amazing... nature..." The first response, from stupid engineer man, was, "It isn't amazing, it's just biology..." My wife theorizes that he had a baby girl (like mine, pictured left), and is now a big pile of mushy noises and tears.

I find my baby amazing. She is starting to smile and make faces. She is 6.5 weeks old. Today she and I got to hang out for a few hours while mom ran some errands and was intentionally by herself. It was amazing how much more Caroline would rather lay on me (listening to my heart like when she lived in Mom) than lay in her expensive crib, bassinet (borrowed), or her 'bouncy seat' which will vibrate and play songs.

What was amazing to you this week? That word has been a great cliche in my life for awhile... even this past weekend it became a buzz word at a camp for 4-6th graders... But, seriously, what has been amazing to you? Even if it is something that victimized you, or somethign wonderful, or some person? What seems/is/appears amazing to you?

Line - (*line*)

That is my favorite Picture. There is no flash, but I like it because she is already showing her passive aggressive (like har parents) tendencies... Her arms are always in the way and we have yet to keep them swaddled.

Some random facts from the hospital:

The songs that went through my head the most:

"Brilliant Disguise": Springsteen
"Long December": Counting Crows


Nurses that we liked:
Lori (had 3 X)
Andrea (had 2X)
Lin

People we are not sure really exist:
Dot: Dot is in her 60's (supposedly), and has been a Lactation Consultant for St. John's for a long time. We saw her once and she accomplished more than all other nurses and consultants in the four days we were in the hospital. We never saw or heard from her again... Something about entertaining angels...

Visitors:

Saturday:
Rob and Shirley Westmoreland (Rachel's folks)
Karen Smith (Who appeared within 20 minutes of my phone call to her)

Sunday:
Rob and Shirley Westmoreland
Anne Simon (Youth Staff Intern)
Jennifer Patneau (Friend/Youth Volunteer)
Hannah Smith (8th grade girl)
Emily Wood (8th Grade Girl)
Sydney McClain (8th Grade Girl)
Robbie, Jane-Ellis, Charlie, and Peter Griggs (Peter is negative two weeks) (Friends)

Monday:
Brian Janous (7:50 AM with Kaldi's Mocha in tow... amazing... totally got me jump-started)
A Random couple that Rachel knew from her old job at Saint John's
Shirley Westmoreland (Rob went home, Shirley is stil here - Thank God)
Scott Sauls (Pastor, commented that Caroline will look like Joan Jett)
Phat Phil Woods (Also a Pastor of Greentree Community Church in Webster Groves)
(PHAT stands for Praise Him All the Time, Phil is just his name)
Mike Higgins (Youth Director at Greentree Kirkwood)
Jeff and Katie Fabbiano (Friends)
Brian, Kim, and Tyler Janous (Tyler and I ate Teddy Grahams)
Mary Mercer (Rachel's Old Boss from Saint John's - yes, the same Saint Johns)
Robin Something-or-other from Saint Johns
Megan Sweeney (Friend)
Mike, Tammy, Molly, and Lucas Higgins (oh, yes, Mike came Twice)

We were pleasantly surprised at how much we enjoyed visitors. But, Monday Night and Tuesday were hard. Proof of the sovereignty of God for my small brain: No Visitors on Tuesday.

I'm just enjoying writing... Hope you guys like the pics of my daughter!!!

O - (*ooo*)

I like this picture a lot.

We are now home, and the first night went better than it might've... Mom did get some sleep, dad got a litle more thanks to grandma (still, everything wakes you up).

Car- (*care)

Some Numbers for you who like them:

4:00 AM Water Broke

5:00 AM In L&D Room breathing and contracting

9:15ish (Epidural... whew)

Concern: Caroline does not like contractions and her heart rate goes down with each one. An -in-utero Baby's heart rate is supposed to eb between 110-150. Caroline's dropped to 70 towards to the end...

10:00: Dr. Mary Grimm shows up (Our OBGYN)

10:30: After two shots of Tergi-something or other that were supposed to slow contractions (they were coming wuickly and on top of each other, Epidural was very nice) Dr. Grimm decides we are willing to mess with the idea of Caroline not being veyr healthy...

11:15 C-Section is finished, picture is taken, feet stamped, etc.

7 Lbs, 4 Ounces... 20 and 1/2 " long... 3-18-06 (although someone wrote on her chart 03', so she was actually gestating for 3 years and nine months according to Saint Johns!)

Stuff

So, my car was broken into... No more laptop and no more U2 IPOD. Honestly, I am more annoyed with how sympathetic people have been than I am about the stuff missing... Okay, not more annoyed, but I am pleasantly surprised that my heart was not torn out to have lost the entire Digital U2 Catalog (Catalogue?).

I did go out and buy an IBook G4 (The cheap, small one). "Welcome to the Kingdom" was what one of the Interns at church said when he saw it.

So, I kind of felt like I really am a Christian with this whole, 'my stuff was stolen and it sucks, but it didn't end my life/week, etc.'... Where does the rubber meet the road in your life? (This probably isn't where it meets in my life seeing as how I will have a baby daughter in a few days!!!!!!!) So, where does the rubber meet the road in the everyday 'stuff' of life. Do you love your stuff? Do you not? Personally, I probably am more anti-money than anti-idolatry lest you think I don't love my stuff because of my Holiness! But, where does it feel real to you? Where does it make cognitive sense? Where has the Lord chosen to encourage you that he IS changing you/your heart?

How Evangelical???

How important is it to be Evangelical? How Evangelical should we be? How Evangelical Are you? As I grow up, as I read Donald Miller, as I become more and more frustrated by the Gospel of Sin Management I sense a growing awareness of my Evangelical Roots. I am Reformed also... Doesn't that simply mean I have a big picture of the sovereignty of God? John Piper writes (after being picked up by a truck driver) that being Reformed frees him to share the Gospel and to not worry about his role after that. Linz, Fabbs, Elisa, Poshiggity, Cary Murphy, Webel, Katie Adams, any and all readers... How Evangelical is too Evangelical? How Lack-o-Evangelical is missing out on he Great Commission? Do not-so-Evangelicals have more ground to stand on in the real world? Will James Dobson ex-communicate me from Colorado Springs if I choose to talk about the gospel when it is obvious I could crack down on someone for living in sin? I really wonder... I want to keep writing, but I think I'm diverging from my original question. Where are you on the Evangelical Continuum? How do you perceive the Super-Evangelicals? Where does God's Sovereignty come into play or not come into play??? Am I a heretic for asking these questions?

peace peace

Sub-Title: My Life as a Navy Seal for Jesus.

Donald Miller recounts his time at a christian camp as the time where he and a bunch of buddies made pact after pact to not get women pregnant, to not smoke, drink, etc. He says they were like Navy Seals for Jesus... Like many of us I jumped on his bandwagon and have been shedding evangelical layers right and left... If it weren't for my wife, well let's just not go there! I'm glad she reminds me not only that that is not the point of his book, but that Evangelicalism isn't all bad...

Okay, despite the fact that I haven't blogged for awhile (due in large part to losing my office to my still-gestating daughter Caroline) I recall that it is more fun to ask questions and to reminesce slightly than to preach. So, quick trip back in time to my time as a Navy Seal and then it is up to you - my five faithful readers - to pour your life stories onto the keyboard...

I served the Seals in Branson, Taney County Missouri, at Kanakuk Kamps. Despite the fact that I did sign the Seal contract every year to not impregnate women, injure animals, etc. I came to desperately need my Christian bubble. Working at Kanakuk, particularly when I led camping trips, was the simplest time in my life that I can recall. The fact is that divorce has always been a part of my life, I do not remember a time when I was not dealing with the ramifications of it every day. However, at Kamp my job (s) were so simple that I was able to breathe... Especially in the tumultuous summers of 99' and 2000' (Also my first two summers as a trip man). And while I remember sitting in the rocking chair on the deck of the trip-mens cabin by myself at 3:00 AM I also remember tying knots. As any worthwhile Seal/Kamp-person can, I could (who knows how one of my sheet-bends would look today in Kaldi's) tie many solid knots. That particular summer (99') I was the "Trip-packer", which meant I was alone a lot and did lots of things like tie knots when they needed to be tied. So anyway, I had my propane torch (to melt the ends of the rope so they would not fray), my rope, and my caribener (Spelling???) type things that would hook the ropes onto the boats (I was tying boats to our docks so they would neither float away nor bang into the dock when it was windy). I took a few hours (many boats, many lines to each boat) and I recall feeling so peaceful. At that point in my life I had only one job: to set these boats up with their appropriate knots. I suppose I believed in the greater cause of Kamp, I suppose also that I enjoyed being outside on that crisp June morning at Tablerock Lake. But really the simplicity of it was nectar and ambrosia for my heart.

In "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" they write that children of divorce rarely recall (when asked in a general way about their childhood) playing. They played as much as other kids, but they simply do not recall it (I'm certain this is similar to other kinds of abuse, but I am currently reading baout divorce); they recall other things - the changes in their parents, their change of address, their role continually changing, etc. I found this to be true for my childhood, and for some reason made the conection back to Kamp as one of the only times where my life felt simple. I do not think only abused people or children of divorce crave some amount of simplicity and rest to their hearts, I only know that that condition exacerbated my need for it... So, the sermon was long, but the point was, Where and when has your life been simplest? I'm certain I will get some mountaintop experiences, but I do not care... Tell me that I may share in the peace you experience(d). Please.

Shavat

Where do you find rest? How do you find it? Are there different types of rest? Do we ever think about the 4th commandment anymore? How do you Sabbath? Is church restful to you and to your heart? Where do you find the Lord? When do you stop being creative and truly let your guard down? Does it involve other people or do you need to be alone?

I had the privilege of speaking at a conference on this stuff, but I am really curious still. Plus, blogging seems to work better when a question is asked. Maybe this works like the book recommendations: when someone wants one they will ask. Same thing with my little philosophical/sermon-like musings... if someone wants them they will ask... So, tell me how often, how, why, and how much you like resting.

Solitude

Are you guys afraid of Solitude? Why or why not? Is it the world? Or is it Evangelicalism? The world convinces us that busy is good, our mantra even, "I'm so busy." Meaning: look how productive and hard-working and meaningful I am to the world. Evangelicalism, as far as I can tell and have experienced, says, "Spiritual Disiciplines are all well and good as long as they don't get in the way of real spiritual matters (i.e. getting other people into Heaven)." If you like em, take em; if not, make sure you're still preaching the gospel to people (and not like Francis likes it - Lindsey). What do you think? I don't have as much of a sermon/philosophy as usual I'm just curious. Would love to hear what the Bear has to say on this matter; and the Inquisitor, and quills, and Shiggity, and the Veatch... And Lindsey, and Deana... Seriously, I know why it is hard for me: I condemn myself for not being busy, I have largely bought into Evangelicalism - and the scandal therein, I see myself as Jesus often rather than one of his kids, etc. but what about you guys? Are you content in the loneliness of solitude? Does loneliness remind you of your need for the Lord? Can you be in the car without the radio? Do you seek out time to just be quiet (and not asleep)?

Money and Pascal (Again)

So, Pascal says that everything I do I do to make me happy. My pastor quoted Tom Arnold (via Donald Miller) this past Sunday reiterating this same point. Arnold is admitting that what makes him happy is the approval of other people, but the larger philosophical point is the same... It is the reason one man commits suicide and one man buys a 97' Suzuki Marauder: because he thinks it will make him happy (or, more happy).

I hate money... sort of. I am writing this from my lap-top which I enjoy. I do have a U2 Ipod in my jacket... which I enjoy. There is more than that, but I still kind of think I hate money. Ask Fabbio the Bear, he will tell you. It comes from the way I grew up, or the way I didn't grow up, or maybe just the way I perceived my growing up experience. ANYWAY! I don't like money. I really want to know (and I mean percentages here) how much to save, how much to spend on my house, how much to give away, how much my wife can spend on small insignificant things, how much I can spend on large insignificant things, etc. However, Larry Burkett has all of those things. But, I don't want to do all of those for a lot of reasons. 1. I want to be free, and not develop morals stronger morals than the Bible. 2. I want a nicer house and a motorcycle. 3. I can't tell my wife to not buy 2 billion candles for our house when I own an X-Box, and Ipod, and a motorcycle... I'm sure there are more reasons.

What is funny is that we have money. Sort of... But, I have realized I want to have more every year. Not a ton, but I want there to be more every year. Ultimately, I want that because I think that the bottom line of our 401K, Roth IRA, and bank account - if they are just a little higher this month than last - will make me happy. I watch the houses in our neighborhood and if they sell quickly I feel very good about the theoretical equity Rachel and I are gainging in our house. That lasts for about a week (then we have to pay to get something fixed and I start to wonder how much of that we will get back money-wsie). Our children will be fine money-wise. When our baby girl is born we will start a college fund, etc. But, I will still want our financial bottom-line to continue to grow... it was big of me to realize this, and it is bigger to realize that while there is likely a pure philosophy somewhere about money - the bigger issue is trusting Christ. Give when we are able, save always, spend where needed and don't be legalistic about desires that are not 'needs', when we cannot save - don't worry... I don't even know the rest of them; it just seems revelatory that I think I want this pure philosophy - and I do. But, I want that pure philosophy to not cramp my personal style (0r my wife's). I Don't even know how to end my blog! Your responses are always enjoyable...

Copernicus

I'm pretty sure when Copernicus did all of the work that he did; he did not figure out that the world revolves around Matt Blazer. I'm pretty sure the church was aghast at his findings-that the Earth was not the center of the Solar System. And, I'm pretty sure they were mean to him about it.

Why do I have so much trouble taking everything personally? In my work, in my friendships, in conversations, interacting with my wife? Why is my picture of God so small that it has to be mapped out, explained, and then dealt with accordingly. I am a little tired of the hypocrisy of the church. And I am a lot tired of my own hypocrisy. I heard someone say a couple of weeks ago, that the point is to know the extent your own hypocrisy... or some such wise thing. The point is not to not be one: we all are, will be, have been, and might get worse before we are better. The point is to be honest about it.

I'm amazed how much the book, "Blue Like Jazz" has effected me. (What is the difference between effect and affect, I never can remember despite the piece of paper saying I have a degree in English). Donald Miller says we have to sit one out (we being the Christian Community). What a profound and simple quote. We have always thought our voice was so impotant that we needed to be broadcast, and whenthe world decided it wasn't we just bought some radio stations. Maybe sitting one out means offering that, "They shall know we are Christians by our love..." or some such thing. Why am I so concerned about good theology? (I, of course want to write, "why are 'we' so concerned...). I think there is a 0% chance that ANYONE has it down.

I didn't read Rick Warren's book, but I know that the first line is, "It's not about you." Reminds me of Fabbio the Bear; he says things like that to me. And he can, because I feel totally loved by him and never question his motives in telling me something like that. I know I'm partially writing because of something that upset me last night. I think I'm also writing because I want a biger picture of God, and I'm trying to flush that out a bit. I want to embrace the mystery also; I know the LORD and am thankful for that. I want that to help me to love people; I want my picture of the sovereignty of God to help me see his plan. In the abscence of that I want it to give me peace. I want to take things less personally. In short: I want to be changed.

Pulling Weeds

While trying to determine all of ins and outs, pros and cons of buying (or not buying) a motorcycle I came to the same conclusion that Pascal came to, Edwards expressed theologically, Lewis developed practically, and John Piper explained to me. It only took four genius' to get me understanding that we dothings to make us happy. Piper says we should seek to Glorify God by enjoying Him forever... that that is the lense we should use to view the Bible, and in doing so will see that God has our great pleasure in mind when he tells us what to do. John Eldredge (using Chesterton, Watchman Nee, and Dallas Willard types) says we should follow our hearts. The Presbyterian Church in America does not like aspects of Eldredge's writings; I think they wish he made it more clear that the he is talking about a 'regenerated heart' when he says, "Your heart is not wicked"... Hopefully my old buddy Kirk Adkisson will not read this particular blog and quote the Westminster Confession to me...
So, what am I writing about and why did I entitle this blog, "Pulling Weeds"? Because I was mowing a few weeks ago and I stopped to pull some weeds. I am not a gardener; it is only in the last few years that I have become excited to make these goofy lines in my yard rather than just making smaller and smaller circles with the mower. So, there I am pulling weeds - because I want to. I want the yard to look good, so I pulled some weeds. A motorcycle is not going to save me any money. It is very difficult to save money by spending money. I think I figured that I would have to drive about 40,000 miles on the motorcycle for it to pay for itself through the gas money... But, I want one. Should this desire go un-tempered by my Christianity, my worldivew, the reality that I have a wife who is not expecially keen on the idea; certainly not. But, I do not think it is irresponsible financially (Christian), my wife added one detail to the Missouri law for a motorcycle permit holder (no highways to go along with no passengers and no riding at night); so I am now the owner of a 97' Suzuki Marauder. It is your basic motorcycle; it could go fast if I were to ride it that way (top speed to date: 44 MPH), but it is not dying to go fast like the Sport Bike I laid down about three weeks before getting married.
We will see how long I keep it. It is like anything else: IPOD, a dog, a TV: having one requires time and a certain amount of energy to enjoy it. But, I actually believe I operated under the auspices of good theology with this purchase. And, on that note, I'm hoping to eventually (I have been foiled twice so far) to attach a picture that my friends Po-Shiggity sent me for the same reason I pulled weeds and bought a motorcycle: it makes me happy. I can't get it... You will have to write him and ask to see the picture of Jim Edmonds from last night...

The Blog, the hot water, and the Decaf...

This is an outstanding game we have played a lot at Jr. High. It is called, "Criss-Cross-Crash..." for more information, please e-mail me... So, I'm still not sure about this whole blog thing. I enjoy writing it. I think it is like journaling if you used to be a famous writer or something; some people will read it, I'm writing in this pseudo-objective-I have something to say about Life that is worth reading-but, still kind of personal-style. The other English Majors who peruse my Blog will have a field day with that sentence!

Anyway, while I will still be buying a motorcycle; it looks like the Nighthawk will not be the one (featured on the last blog). When I sit on one I can't turn without getting my knee out to the side... Kind of defeats the whole, "I look and feel cool and free riding my motorcycle." So, Ed talked me into a 750 Shadow VLX. The wife is scared, but we have put down rules that will hopefully keep her sleeping at nights until she is more confident in my skills. I did lay down a sport bike 3 weeks before we got married; she isn't just being "that wife".

The Great Thing about Criss-Cross-Crash is that afterwards I got to share the gospel with those kids. I wish it were that easy with my basketball team! It reminds me of why I love my job; we get to crash kids into each other, and somehow that is the ground we need to stand on to then tell them about the Lord!

As I think about going back to school (seminary) I think of how much I will miss being on the front lines of ministry. This is why I am taking one class at a time currently. I cannot (yet?) imagine not hanging out with the Dane Stole's (8th grader) of the world. Dane thinks for himself, his parents come from very different religious backgrounds, and he has incredibly good taste in music (including his own band: Tuxedo Park). I want to hang out with guys like Dane, I love that I have a job that encourages me to find guys like Dane, convince him that I care about him simply because he exists, and then, if possible, tell him about the Lord.

There is more to it than that (isn't there always?). I am still pretty cocky about my own knowledge and abilities in vocational ministry... There was an electronic debate at the other church (the one that planted my church) over sabbath keeping and worship. Sabbath keeping is one of my favorite subjects lately because I am studying it in my own time... Yet this discussion did not appeal to me. Too many 'ication' words. Too many "I don't know too much... but, let me regurgitate the history ofthe church's keeping of the sabbath and then tell you my opinion mixed in..." Let's talk about something real: can we talk about hearts? How are they doing? No, really, our hearts... your's and mine. How do we ask others if we are not asking ourselves? Are we encouraging the hearts of our congregation? Are we loving well? What does it mean to love well? I recognize that there must be good theology under-girding what we do, but how much do we really have to talk about it? Because when we talk about it we lose most our listeners. It was certainly curious that only those with Masters of Divinity degrees responded to this debate. Am I cynical because I am on the outside or am I cynical because that language doesn't make sense anymore? As I am learning-it is probably both of those and some other reasons thrown in for good measure!

I have been at Kayak's now for almost four hours. I had a good house Group meeting, one mocha, one cup of Half-Decaf/Half Regular, and now I am working on a Half-Water/Half-Decaf and blogging. Do I have anything worthwhile to say? That is up to the Anonymous readers...

Nighthawk

This is the motorcycle that I will hopefully be riding by the end of the week. I'm crossing my fingers (and the nub with a regular finger) that my parents won't find out until I have it. The deal is (with Rachel, my wife), that I cannot take other people and I cannot ride on the highway. I think that that is very fair.

So, the blog... It is hard to blog. My laptop is the only computer at my disposal which will allow me to blog. But, it is fun; even when some of your friends use it to flirt with each other electronically.

So, why a motorcycle? The ad on the Honda Web-site says something like, "This is rel freedom and adventure..." or something like that... "real life". I've taken some counseling classes, I read everything John Eldredge writes; one would think I wouldn't be a sucker for the ad. I am. I want to feel the way I feel riding a motorcycle (Iahve ridden one before... in fact, wrecked one right before my wedding!) ; even if it is just on the way to work once or twice a week. I want to 'feel' Wild at Heart, not just 'be'... Whatever that means...

My wife is pregnant, and so I certainly wonder whether I am attempting to compensate for the loss of my youth. I don't think so. All I am, is excited about the baby, and I do not feel that my life philosophy should change. I know I know I know... All people with children will tell me that my life will change, forever, more than I could imagine (insert big sigh for emphasis)... All I mean is, I hope I'm living the right way regardless of whether or not we have a child. I don't see buying or not buying a motorcycle as a good or bad decision based upon those things.

My car broker likes to talk about 'emotional decisions' that people make when they don't buy what he would consider a reliable automobile. Yet, he is freely willing to admit that he feels emotional every time he gets to drive a Subaru WRX-STI. I think John Piper, Jonathan Edwards, Pascal, etc. would contend that that is why we do things anyway. Even if we are buying the most reliable car on the planet (like the one I recently bought my wife), isn't that still an emotional decision? Whether it is logical, smart, frugal, and or stewardly I am certainly doing what will make me happy (or my perception of that).

What the heck am I talking about? One of the big questions: what are the desires of my heart and how do I follow them. I am not quite yet cocky enough to think I have answers to even half of the questions that gnaw my heart, but I know that to question my desires has always helped me. I find the deepest parts of my heart there (embedded in my desires), I make sure that I am listening to them and not to some addiction or passing fancy, then I try to follow them. The result: a cheap, but kind of cool-looking motorcycle...