Good Shabbos

A good friend was in town today, and we had been goofing off, had lunch with all of my girls, his fiance', etc.

Last night we went and saw Wolverine. I must be growing up since I didn't go at Midnight the night before.

Anyway, at lunch I could sense his anxiety about my cancer and I asked if we needed to talk about it. So we did. At one point he said, "So... Is everything just different now?" And, I think it is. My worldview tells me that while purpose in a pure sense may not ever be revealed, God will use this in us to grow us. I don't think the Bible says I will be a perfect anything, or even necessarily a better anything. But, I do think the bible gives me ever reason to hope that nothing is purposeless, and that I can be fully confident that my cancer will change us for the better. I know that is abstract at best, but I appreciate that it is not trite. I keep writing more and then deleting it about the purpose of this. how about I just get to you about that one!

I alternate between saying "we" and "me" because it seems like it is happening to me, but other than being anesthetized on Monday - all of this is happening to Rachel as certainly as it is happening to me. Many of you have asked if we have told Caroline. I do not think we have "told" her, but she knows that I am sick. She knows that I go see doctors a lot lately. The other day she asked Rachel and I both how our visit to the doctors went. We thought about her context, and then told her it was good, I didn't get any shots, and they did not give me a sucker.

It was hard to write that. I have the most beautiful, amazing daughters ever - I hope if you have not met them you get to.

We are hopeful - in the Lord first and foremost. Simply in Him, and His provision - whatever that may mean. We are also thoughtful and believe we are making the right decision for surgery, and chemo if necessary after a few months of surveillance. We are excited that this surgery gives us the best hope for full recovery without chemotherapy.

It takes a good bit of energy for Rachel to write, so I'm trying to remember to keep people updated. Please ask more questions and feel free to comment.

Today was a good rest day. We played a lot this morning. I made Banana Muffins and let Rachel sleep in (the least I could after she stayed up until 11:30 watching Wolverine at the Moolah). We had lunch with great and old friends, and now I am finishing my schoolwork so that I can study for finals after the surgery. Tomorrow we are excited about corporate worship with our church family. They are like the rest of our family - loving, imperfect, but would lay down in traffic for us if we asked (loose Good Will Hunting Quote).

Surgery is Monday morning for those of you thinking and praying for us; 7:30 at Barnes Jewish. it is laparscopic - so not very invasive, but it is still our second surgery in about 6 weeks. It should take about 4 hours because they do some biopsying while I am on the table. The surgery is to remove two inflamed Lymph Nodes (assumedly cancerous) in my abdomen. I will stay the night, and should be up on Tuesday andable to drive by next Monday (for Finals - which I will happily make C's on!). The Seminary was great about offering me extensions - even encouraging it. But, I would prefer to finish, knowing I have almost no chance of failing any class. We are excited to move to the next stage, to be finished with this stage, and to fill you in on the details. Thank you again for your affection, prayers, phone calls and emails. We don't get texts anymore - but thanks for them too!

Apologies

I wish we had more to say, and apologize to those of you who read so faithfully.

Rachel asked me today if we actually knew where the surgery was on Monday... I realized we don't. Its not because we don't care, its just that you become very out of energy through all of this discussion, blood tests, etc.

All that to say - for those of you who pray, we go in very early on Monday. For those of you who desire more information on the Retro-Peritoneal Lymph Node Dissection - ask Rachel to blog and she will answer all of your questions. I should be out of the hospital by Tuesday, should be on my feet Monday afternoon, and back at everything in two weeks.

If you REALLY want to do something you can buy me a cigar. Robert left two on my porch on Monday night.

Thank you - seriously - for your thoughts, letters, prayers and general affection we have felt deeply loved throughout this process!

Rachel objects to my desire for cigars. She said, "Um... You have cancer, don't tell people to buy you cigars..." My thought is that I have to give them up if I have Chemo, so in the meantime... bring em!

Stolen Blog

Now that I have titled the blog, "Stolen Blog" I want to write about why and how and when my wife is suddenly tempted to steal things. I will not for 3 reasons: 1. She has not stolen anything (yet??????!!!!!!!!!) 2. you should ask her because it is hilarious. 3. Three seems like a better number than two.

So, apparently many of you are reading the blog (I can't get my brain around what is wrong with that sentence... something).

A few days ago I wrote on our church's blog (theriversidechurchblog.blogspot.com) and I wanted to be sure I spread it everywhere since the overlap is not 100%. It is mainly a story, but has much to do with the cancer, and this season of our life. Here it is:

I was talking to my mom last week, and she told me that the woman who works for her - after finding out that I was sick - asked her, "Well, what does he think of his faith now?" (PS - if you weren't in church or don't go to church you can email me through our church website and I can explain my sickness).

This Space is in honor of her tact: __________________ .

To hear my mom tell the story it sounds like she sat the woman down and told her about Jesus. I mean, it kind of sounded like a come-to-Jesus meeting in lots of ways. So awkward! I mean, I know people that like to say provocative things and then sort of back off. But, when it is your employer (its my mom's company too... she's not just the boss), and she says, "No, you asked so I'm gonna tell you!" you have to sit there.

Mom said it was the most she had talked about Jesus in years. Seems like a good thing.

What I told Mom was that she could tell __________ that I am happy that my worldview provides good answers to the difficult questions we are faced with (both before and now). Now, that can sound silly in some ways, or like I'm dodging, but I mean it. Christianity does not offer pat or trite answers. But, it offers robust, thick answers to the questions we have. Sometimes the Bible will re-orient us to another question, that the Bible implies is a better question. Sometimes the answers suck. Such as when some of our "suffering" is caused by us, or by dead relatives we can't yell at. Other times it is frustrating because we are forced to realize that the dominant culture has us thinking we can actually eliminate many kinds of suffering - some through mere distraction, and other kids (like sickness) through medicine.

I am still happy that the Bible answers my questions. Through the Bible I expect people to have darkness in them. So, I am less surprised by suicide, divorce, squabbles over money. Through the Bible I do not expect to not suffer because of my faith. Through the Bible I believe there is hope of redemption (which is really the hardest one to believe isn't it?). I mean, ultimately we are not expecting answers to everything, I think we just struggle to have actual hope. It would be easy for me to write something trite about the resurrection. I do believe that it indicates the power behind true hope. But, I try not to be trite, I really do...

Monday, May 4th

So, Rachel and I came to a decision regarding my treatment. We have decided to have the surgery: Retro-Peritoneal Lymph Node Dissection on Monday (8 days, not tomorrow).

We came to the decision for a couple of reasons: one, it gives us a chance of no Chemo; two, they can biopsy the lymph nodes while I am "sleeping" and potentially look for more (Chemo simply shrinks, taking away diagnosis and the potential to know that the cancer is already gone); and three, the long-term effects of surgery are less than Chemo.

The surgery is laparoscopic, which means they don't but me open, there will be just 3 incisions and they will all be small circles. This is good for recovery time. Mom is coming into town to help, and we expect my recovery to be similar to the other one (really just a few days of pain, and about two weeks before I can do almost everything).

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, emails and phone calls. We have had so many ask how they can help. We will let you know - I promise!

I posted this pic because Caroline is eating frosting and sprinkles, and after my surgery I will have to observe a Medium-Triglyceride Diet (which means, not high fat stuff I think). No big deal.

Good Day

It is 12:39 AM and I should be getting on to bed. But, I just wanted to tell folks who are checking this that we all had a pretty good day.

Rachel and I both exercised (my first time since the surgery). I got a lot of school work done. Our girls seemed to enjoy themselves - the highlight for me was being in a very small tent ("castle") with Caroline and Julia.

Rachel got to get out for awhile (although the car wash took forever, thereby hindering her).

The guy from India fixed our Wireless Internet.

Anyway, amidst all of the mess and extra appointments, and decisions about chemo and surgery and surveillance it is good to know that it was simply a good day.

Also, if all of you make a big racket Rachel promised to post AMAZING pictures of our girls. (Reading between the lines: I post questionable pics :) ).

Doctor Ridiculous

Sometimes I like to nickname. For some of our doctors it is easier than others.

Yesterday we met with an oncologist at Barnes Jewish, and his pedigree is kind of ridiculous (Harvard, Duke, Berkely and I think he was the inspiration for Doc Hollywood... Okay, not the last one). Alas, he was very responsible in the way he communicated with Rachel and I. He was unwilling to hide behind statistics; instead choosing to encourage us that a cure is on the horizon, it did not used to be so, and whatever route (surgery or chemo, surgery and chemo) we choose we will likely end up in the same place: full cure. I think I was subconsciously hoping that he was going to sound radically different than our other doctors. It is good that he didn't, but there was a let down that I am just beginning to place.

I think Rachel and I are both tired of visiting doctors. I still like joking with the nurses. My weight was 184.8, and I was really shooting for a 184 on the chart. I think I lost that one. All joking aside, I think Rachel and I are okay, we are processing as best we can. Yesterday I think we were tired; emotionally, mentally, etc. Re-read her blog entry as it was awesome.

Chemo is intriguing because it is a little more of a clean time line. This doctor wants three rounds (9 weeks), and then he thinks we would be done. Right this second I am leaning towards surgery (May 4th) and then Surveillance. The reason is two-fold (read: friends with Chandler in the box): One, they will do a pathology report because they will actually remove the tumors (Chemo shrinks them into nothingness). Two, if I can avoid Chemo I would like to do that. It is most likely that I would fully recover - in all ways - from chemotherapy (which is very bad for you). But, I would like to take a shot at no need for chemo. Again, Rachel and I are still in discussion and prayer. But, that is our update. Sorry to keep so many of you waiting.

The appointment was yesterday morning, and so the girls were with a babysitter. Later in the morning we went to the zoo, and as we pulled back to our house around nap-time Caroline, getting out of the car, turned to Rachel and I and said, "How was the doctor mommy and daddy?" It made me sad for a few seconds, but then I realized her context, and we told her it was fine except that daddy didn't get a sucker. Aside from the random tantrums and desire for near-constant near-nudity (usually shoes, wings, a tiara, and underwear), it is very fun to raise Caroline.

Side note: I got to preach on Sunday and I think it went really well. The highlight for me was sitting on a Bass-Guitar stand. if you would like to listen to it you can listen (or save it) from the church's website: www.riversidestl.org

Yours,
Matt Blazer

Just a pic

A Post by Rachel

We met with a surgeon yesterday & a medical oncologist today... exhausting, but informative. And encouraging, in a round about sort of way. It was just good to have someone reassure us that the weeks in between the CT scan & the proposed treatment options are not long enough for the cancer cells to run rampant through his body. once you hear the words "aggressive cancer cells," you have visions of nasty little disease cells inching upward through the lymphatic system & invading matt's organs. Both doctors said that they would be surprised if the 2 enlarged lymph nodes grew significantly in the next few weeks... not ruling out the possibility of a little growth, but it isn't a major concern.

That said, we are thinking (somewhat sure) that we will proceed with a Retroperitoneal Lymph Node Dissection (removal of the enlarged lymph nodes) on May 4 at Barnes Jewish Hospital. This will be a laparoscopic procedure in order to minimize the invasiveness of the surgery- an open dissection is a very large incision, much greater recovery time, etc. There are risks with each- we're looking into those, but this seems preferable at this time.

The literature we have read & the 3 doctors we have spoken with seem to concur on most all of the questions we have, which is VERY reassuring- who wants to make a judgment call about treatments that doctors don't agree on? The best option seems to be to follow surgery with 2 rounds of chemotherapy (which type of drugs will be involved is still under discussion) in order to reduce the chance of recurrence of the cancer cells to almost 0%. We like that math: Surgery + 2 chemo treatments= 99% chance of COMPLETE cure: good numbers! On the other side- chemo will likely make him somewhat sick if not very sick, so if we chose not to do it after the surgery, there is an option to treat by "surveillance." This means lots of blood work, CT scans, & appointments. Surveillance opens the door to a 20% chance of recurrence, which would then lead to 6 rounds of chemo. Not good numbers- like i said, chemo will not be a picnic & we'd like to limit it to 2 treatments & be done with this crap!

We are still going to see a different medical oncologist next week (monday) for another opinion & to consolidate all of matt's treating physicians to Barnes Jewish. 1) It simplifies the transfer of paperwork between hospitals, 2) it increases the chances of the doctors communicating thoroughly & working well together, and 3) it puts matt's treatment in one of the best hospitals in America (also closest to our home).

there are still outstanding questions- I think we come up with new questions all the time. And there is still fear of the disease as well as the treatment. And there are lots of questions about the future- the impact the surgery & chemo will have on matt's last semester of seminary, how this will affect his long term health, how this could impact the number of children in our family... and we are still processing how we communicate with each other and how we bring this before the Lord. I think we are much better than we were last week at this time- more answers, less shock, more reassurance, less paralyzing fear. We really feel surrounded by our family, friends & community. And we have the cutest, most amazing children ever, which doesn't hurt. And we celebrated the living Christ on Sunday- a deep & powerful Love for us that is over every dark & nasty thing we are dealing with. Christ isn't changing the facts of the cancer in matt's body- Christ is changing our hearts to hope & trust in His Good-ness through all of this. It doesn't hurt less, but we know God is acting behind & in & through everything. (Please remind me that i said this- i am sure to forget on a regular basis).

Thank you for all your calls, notes, e-mails, flowers & cookies. Thank you most of all for your prayers- it is really amazing to be on the receiving end of such incredible care. i hope that we love all of you as well as you have loved us.

-Rachel

Insulating

I want to first say thank you for the emails, phone calls, blog comments, texts, etc. We feel loved during this time.

We are meeting with two doctors this week, one tomorrow and one on Tuesday (maybe a third, depending on them).

The weekend was good I think. I didn't have class on Friday (which means I also forgot Caroline had school... so, she didn't go), and while Caroline was not interested in the Good Friday Service at church (Julia had already made it clear she was going to bed) she and Rachel still went to Serendipity for Ice Cream. While they were gone I read and smoked a CAO Brazilian (Maduro wrapper) cigar. The significance is that earlier in the week I didn't want anything: to drink, to watch, to do, to buy, to smoke, etc. I have heard people say that when you are struggling lesser affections fade. I thin kthat that is true, depending on your definition of struggle.

My mom said that we were all waiting to hear that everything was fine after the CAT scan. Then, when it wasn't we have all had to re-orient ourselves. I think Rachel and I have been re-orienting (successfully) over the past few days. You are welcome to ask questions on the blog also. I have learnedthat I don't explain the medical aspect that well (maybe becuase I don't get it that well, hence the new rule: Rachel goes to all Doctor's appt's from now on), so I have left out much technical jargon. I will still try to answer any questions people have. I don't know if the information will make you feel better, but you are welcome to it.

A New Sort of Blog for awhile

So, for awhile I am going to use my blog to update people on my sickness. If you didn't know I was sick I am sorry you're finding out this way. On March 27th I had surgery for testicular cancer, and on Tuesday we found out it spread to two lymph nodes. So, we are seeing a surgeon on Monday and an oncologist on Tuesday - second opinions forthcoming. If you want to read I found a good article by the FDA, and Lance Armstrong's site is pretty helpful.

Some of you have asked how Rachel and I are processing this. Thank you for asking, I think that is a good question. I don't know. I spent a lot of time in prayer today, asking the LORD a similar question. The answer I received is that I already know how to be faithful as a husband, father, son, friend (obviously not always and with varying degrees of "success"). Tomorrow I may hate that I wrote that, today the LORD told me that I know how to be a husband and be sick, that I know how to be a father, that I know how to be a friend.

Caroline knows when I go to the doctor and that I had an "ouchy" (I say past tense because I swing her around again). We aren't really scared of death because the survival rate is so unbelievably high in these cases (Lance Armstrong's site is pretty helpful if you want to learn more than I am telling you). Also, Rachel and I made a deal that neither of us is ever allowed to die :)

Many of you want to help. I promise we will let you know when we need help (and we probably will). Many of you don't know what to say, and I want you to know that we appreciate it when you say just that. It conveys the emotion. Many of you want to talk. If we do not answer the phone or call you back, please forgive us and assume that we are receiving many more calls/texts/visits/facebook messages than we are used to.

Rachel and I are thankful for many things. For Jesus and the accompanying world-view that gives us a context for life and for suffering (or sickness). We are thankful for a large and loving family. We are thankful for a very understanding and loving House Group that has already been through a lot this year. And, we are thankful to our church and other friends who love us so well.

Videos

So, yesterday evening I watched a 10 minute video of Jazz Pianist Eric Lewis performing for this year's TED. Smarter people than me can tell you about TED, but if you don't know about it it is a good time to Google it so when people talk about it you don't think they're kidding about the title of the conference.

The interesting thing is that listening to Eric Lewis is compelling, and I sound refined or at least I am interested in being refined or something.

But, the video I watched last before Eric (maybe 5 days ago... I don't watch videos as much as _______ ) who always sends me links, was Achmed the Dead Terrorist. My wife thinks Achmed is hilarious and lately she has been calling my doctor Achmed because she is annoyed with him.

The point is, or the question is. What does it say about me that those are the last two things I watched? What does it say about the culture? It just seems amazing, and slightly intriguing that I can watch those to videos as easily as I did and they are the only ones I watched. I almost watched a sermon... Then I didn't.

And, in between paragraph one and three of this blog post Rachel and I SKYPED our great friends the Sweeneys in Singapore. The world is a funny, inter-connected place and while some days I use that to learn about dissonant, cutting edge-jazz piano... others I just watch Achmed.

Shabbos Email

One of these days I will take the Sabbath seriously enough to remember how I work.

Our family has been getting better at playing on Saturdays, and today I had un-get-out-of-able meetings this afternoon and we had people over later... So, the morning was all for playing and being. Rachel made a LOT of coffee (helps everything) and some blueberry muffins, and when Julia went to sleep for morning nap I took Caroline to Rocketship Park (which is kind of dad and Caroline's Park). But, before I left I checked my email.

Now I'm mad. Because... Well, that's why - I'm not telling you, the anecdote is not about anger, it is about knowing that I didn't need to check my email. Yea, checking my email drew me into my work life where someone had disappointed me. This blank space is in honor of that email and my thoughts _________________________________________________.

Caroline wanted to swing for awhile (I thought about the email). Then she wanted to climb for awhile (I kept thinking about it). She didn't want to slide because last time we were there there was a big puddle. Then we went to the sand... Ahh, the sand. I sat on a bench. I know not to, she wants my presence, so I ran in the sand with her. Then we sat in the sand. In the sand I let it go, there was grace in the sand. We hung out. She made some sand angels (snow angels might be too many senses and a bit of fear, btu we are ready for sand angels). We talked about Wall E (I am Burn-E from the short movie, Julia is MO, Rachel is Eva... you might be able to figure out who Caroline is). We watched a train or two. It was neat to watch Caroline learn with her eyes, and no talking, that she could see the train in two places through the trees. Good ole' Rocketship Park.

I felt myself relax, let it go, etc. Things that are a normal part of living and working and knowing people. But, how much easier would it have been to be present (I'm so good with grammar and words) if I had simply not checked my email? I don't play video games too much anymore because I realize they don't actually relax me. I drink more tea. I try to reflect. This last one seems easier when you're sitting in the sand. Thank you Lord for the grace of the sand. I will try to not check my email next Saturday. Thank you Caroline for continuing to want to play.

Lent

Almost every year I decide I should really use Lent to ponder...  or to become more spiritual or something.  Seriously, it seems like such a basically good idea.  And, every year I forget.  I'm in Seminary and we don't seem to talk about it much.  I haven't gotten over to Wikipedia yet to see if there is a cool story about giving stuff up.  I DO have some trout in my freezer that we could fry on Friday I guess...

This is a fun article if you want to start observing late: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7923701.stm

Thoughts on Lent?

Did you give up anything?  

Have you ever had a great experience with Lent?  

Anybody ever go through the book Mars Hill (Bell's Mars Hill, don't think Driscoll is going to support Lent too much) put out a few years ago?  I think I saved it, never printed it, and definitely don't remember anything about it.  

I find it funny the amount of tests and papers and discussion forums I have to do for Seminary...  And, this might be my first conversation on Lent.  If there are a billion Roman Catholics then I am just out of touch right?  :)

Oscars

There are things about the Oscars that are funny.  I could hear my mom in my head saying, "Oh Goldie..." at one point.

Alas, I am catching up today.  However, I heard Dustin Lance Black's comments at his award for best Screenplay.  It was almost unnerving how good they were.  Carefully nuanced, incisive, terribly saddening, and unqualified enough to convict evangelicals (I hope).  

"I think he'd (Harvey Milk) want me to say to all of the gay and lesbian kids out there tonight who have been they are less then by their churches, or by the government, or by their families, that you are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value.  And that no matter what everyone tells you, God does love you, and that very soon, I promise you, you will have equal rights federally across this great nation of ours."

The political part gets me less than the first part...  I am embarrassed that he says it so well when Christians seem like they cannot.  People do not deserve to be marginalized and abused...  period.  I think Jesus would have stood and applauded, or maybe he would have been out pleading with the picketers to stop.

90 Blogs later

And I am still not positive what the purpose of a blog is.

I know this one is a random thought blog (because I twitched when the job ge by the guy at school said, "if you have a random thoughts blog...  shut it down while you're looking for a job).

I know i like to put up pictures of my daughters.  

I know I sometimes like to try to be provocative, by saying things like "I voted for Obama" or "I think Abortion is a gigantic distraction to evangelicalism".   Both of those things are true by the way.

I don't label much.  (down at the bottom)  

Here is a question...  I get to preach in April.  I am thinking of a couple of possibilities and would love your thoughts.  1.  "Margin" - How do you feel knowing the Bible takes your questions and often answers other ones oftentimes?  This would be about the Bible and our questions essentially.  2.  "Why be good?"  My short answer would be mission.  In my 31 years of experience I don't think many Christians get why to be good, and many who are watching churches (insert your word, "non-religious, religious, irreligious, atheist, seeker, agnostic, etc.) tend to perceive that Christianity is big on rules and be annoyed by it.  3.  What about giving people two Sundays where they could write their questions on index cards and then I could take like the top four (having no idea how I would determine that...  especially without being deterministic)?  

Thoughts?  

The great thing is that I stopped reading for school about 15 minutes ago because I was tired...  I was reading a 60 year old article about Natural Law by a professor who is trying REALLY hard to be relevant.  I couldn't focus...  till i started blogging about...  NOTHING.  Hilarious.  I really would appreciate your thoughts though!

Stuff Christians Like

Hannah Wood turned me on to this blog. It is unbelievably accurate towards the strange subculture of evangelicalism. AND, I just learned that Jon went to college with my wife. Hilarious.

Here is a brief sampling, a bullet-point of a fictional interview with that guy that interviews movie stars... It is about people criticizing the Sermon at lunch.

1. I'm just not being fed.
What a fantastic way to look as if you're more spiritual than the pastor himself.

2. That message was not meant for me.
You are so generous to have sat there patiently while someone else that needed that sermon was able to receive it. What kindness.

3. That didn't feel like church.
What a perfect smokescreen of vagueness. How can anyone argue with your feeling? What does that even mean? More organ? Less organ? Better lasers? No lasers?

4. There wasn't enough Bible in that for me. That felt like a business leadership book.
What's enough? No one knows, which is why this is such a gem.

5. I'm not sure that sermon works in a postmodern world.
I'm not even sure I know what the word "postmodern" means, but it's fun to say. Few things make you look smarter than repeating this word. Repeatedly.

Stupid Kirk

I NEVER do these things.

But, Kirk did one, so I thought i would do one. With every person I put on my list ( you are supposed to do 25), a little bit of my will to live left me. So, I will throw it on the old blog...

1) I like coffee. French Press about twice a month.
2) Lately I have been spelling my name, "mat" to elicit whatever relaction.
3) My poor wife has noticed that while thinking I make very strange movements with my bottom lip. She wishes she could scold me, but she cannot stop laughing usually.
4) I got to hang out with two of my favorite authors in the last 6 years.
5) I would like to eventually publish a short story or essay
6) When someone introduces me as his or her pastor, I laugh because I am not one, then I try to sort of hide it... then I kind of repent...
7) I like NPR. I wish I liked music in general more. I like Jazz, but wish I liked it more.
8) I am suspicious of Christians
9) I have never thought of anything permanent enough in my life to tattoo, except my wife or kids but that would be kind of dippy.
10) I say "Dippy" because of my wife, and "silly" because of Caroline.
11) I think telling people to find their passion and do it, sets most people up for a discontent and at times miserable life. I agree - and still do it.
12) I keep in touch with about 10-15 men in a pretty deep and personal way. Not as often as I might like, but pretty dang often.
13) I love re-imagining the Christian faith. For everyone (including myself)
14) if I don't play basketball for a week I begin to feel partially empty.
15) If I do not get at least one rebound I shouldn't have got and thrown one amazing (or "ill advised") pass in that game, for someone else to score... Then I will be slightly less happy all week. I would take a 3 pointer too, btu some weeks that is pushing it.
16) I'm afraid to plant churches, because I dont' want to. But, I'm afraid I will become cynical enough to do it.
17) The last 3 people who tried to ue my chainsaw couldn't. 2 thought they broke it. It made me feel like more of a man.
18) My Dog's Name is Ron. I knew the name for about 5 years before he came into our life (not incarnationally, we adopted him from a stray society). He is likely the best behaved (inside) dog that you know.
19) Kirk Adkisson once took my wife and I to the Hillin St. Louis, and I ate a bowl of Spaghetti. It HURT. A lot. becauseI ate as much as Kirk could and no one should have
20) I flirt with murdering my cat: Batman. Not really. But, kind of. My friend Ty would also like to kill him.
21) I like the NBA. I liked it when everyone else was down on it. Even when it was like the WWF (94 and 95).
22) Andre Dubus is my favorite author.
23) I have tried 35 kinds of Scotch.
24) My Mom is the best business-person I know. Seriously.
25) Kirk is getting into Birding. What is birding?
26) I can quote lots of 80's movies and songs. Probably more than you, but maybe not more than ANYONE you know.
27) Definitely missing the end of my right thumb, and have definitely used that to every advantage I have ever been able to think of. Told the story at least 5000 times (I can explain how I get to that number if you want to know), and make a joke about 4.6 times/week.
28) Saw U2 at Slane Castle in Ireland about two weeks before 9/11.
29) My wife is very beautiful, and I have been lately pretty aware of it. Not bragging, just happy.
30) I'm becoming a Pastor of Arts and Culture in the Fall and I know less about Art and music than almost everyone you know...

Just in Case

Just in case you check my blog, and don't ever visit the BBC's Day in pictures.

This is a young man dancing on the rubble of his home in Gaza.

I don't know if pictures like this make my faith greater or if they increase my doubt.

Gran Torino

I just watched Gran Torino.

There is a hollowness in Clint Eastwood's movies. I mean it as a compliment, but it is there nonetheless... some spaces in the acting and writing, and even the shooting that I don't know if I am smart enough to get. But, it makes me feel like I'm NOT watching the latest flick.

There was a lot in there about good Masculinity. That part makes me sad for a lot of reasons I really don't feel like getting into.

There was some community stuff... I guess.

There was some racist stuff... I guess.

There was some spiritual stuff... I guess.

What was the last movie you saw that moved you? I think Gran Torino moved me. It made me sad that I didn't know some men well, and sadder that I didn't know others longer. It is interesting and difficult to be a man. I would compare it to being a woman, but you know... I do live with three of them though. Ron doesn't count. Check the blog in five years and we'll see if I have come up with anything.

I think Gran Torino moved me. What was the last movie that moved you?

Yes, I know the picture is not of a Gran Torino... I liked Better off Dead A LOT when I was growing up...

Ethics/Culture

I'm sitting in a class right now and the professor just quoted an author I have just recently started reading. He said not to put the quote in my blog... Then I raised my hand and said, "Did you say not to put this in my blog?" and he said, "Just don't say, Pastor ________ said, that ____________ ____________ said,

"The problem with Capitalism is that is makes shitty people." "

So, I will just include the quote.

Thoughts???

Blogging in 2009 (job too)

The blog was private because I was looking for a job, and one suggestion that I thought was a good one was to hide any random thought blogs. This blog is nothing if it is not a random thought blog!

So, if you attend Riverside Church (and were there on Sunday) you know that I have a job when I graduate (August unless I burn out in the Spring), at Riverside. Many of you have sent encouraging texts, facebooks, etc. Thank you! And, know that I have a finite number of text messages - therefore, am saying thanks this way.

So, I will be the pastor of arts and culture... I think. We have till September to figure it out it seems! And, more importantly :), my blog is now not-private.

I should write more about how glad I am 2008 is over (it was a long year in many ways). I should write more about how awesome my mom is - we just spent a week together in California, New Mexico, Arizona, and Colorado. I should write more about my kids and how cool they are. I should devote at least one blog to my wife - after all - how else could my kids be so cool? I should write about the people we lost this year, but I think I already did that (and, thankfully... no one has died since then... I hope that doesn't sound calloused or insensitive... some of my friends have lost since then. But, five seems like a lot).

Anyway, the purpose of this is to explain 1 - Why the Blog went private for two months. 2 - To explain the Job I got.

Christmas and the Puritans

So, I was listening to Reasonable Doubts Podcast and they were talking about the idea and Holiday of Christmas. They mentioned that the Puritans didn't celebrate it because they knew that the tree was for the Winter Solstice and the connections to Saturnalia (Am I writing like I knew it before I listened?). I read the Puritans a little, in a book of essentially poetry, that my mother-in-law bought for me. It is good to read them. Their theology is too harsh for me, and I think a bit too negative - but it is such humble, pious faith.

I think somewhere in me is a long blog about Christmas and consumerism, and how our theology should affect holidays like Christmas (and... maybe... Easter) more than it does. Alas, My throat hurts a little, we just put the girls down (We still haven't opened everything for Caroline, she just kept getting overwhelmed), and I don't know if I have it in me!

I love that I have an excuse to not lave the house. I loved being at the mall yesterday to get a watch fixed (thanks Mom) and ate cookies with Caroline (too many for both of us... stupid coupon). Rachel deserves a medal - she set up Caroline's doll house, cooked us Baked French Toast with cream cheese and pecans in between the pieces of bread, made coffee... I think she got up at 5:20. And, she got me the coolest presents ever. Not flashy, but VERY me.

I hope you have a nice Christmas...

Anger

Does everyone have anger issues?

Tonight I went to my book club and it was great. We read White Noise by Don Delillo. The book was an experience, not a book. He has the ability to make the plot seem primary, secondary, or (here is nice word) tertiary. What was the book about? Death maybe? Was it a satire? No, but it was certainly satirical. Was it funny? Might have been the funniest book I have ever read, and yet had some of the most quotable lines i have ever seen on sex, death, adultery, masculinity, parenting, etc.

Anyway, I saw a friend of mine named James at the bar. It is the second time I have seen James in a week. James has a friend named Tom, and about 13 seconds into my meeting with Tom I find out he is a somewhat angry atheist. I told him about getting a drink with Chris Hitchens and how much I respect Hitchens' robust rejection of Christianity. It was very clear that Tom did not think I was free-thinker, or had anything to advocate for.

He then went on a rant against religious people who want to have their cake and eat it too in the form of rejecting miracles, but affirming Jesus' resurrection. I couldn't get a word in edge wise to tell him how much I agreed with him. So few "agnostics" will reach any argumentative closure, such as "Jesus must have been a total lunatic" (Hitchens is the first I have ever heard - OF ANYONE - to affirm C.S. Lewis' classic 'Jesus must be a liar, a lunatic, or the Son of God' argument).

Anyway, I think we left it well, there was some discussion of pre-suppositions and miracles, the laws of physics, etc. Maybe he will come to On Tap (which is this Thursday ontapdiscussion.blogspot.com - you should totally come).

The really funny thing is, I think Christians deserve the anger of most agnostics/atheists. It is hard for me that I have to convince my friends who do not believe in God that I capable of critical thinking, but it is mainly hard because I know how many insensitive Christians that they have talked with... How many who have berated them, told them they are going to Hell, etc. I wonder how Tom grew up, I wonder what he reads (the bar was closing so I didn't get a chance to find any of this out), I wonder what his fears and dreams are, I wonder if he cares what mine are?

In Honor of Dr. Joel

Doc left me in for a few extra minutes in the second half. I was playing okay (Although I did airball a 3 pointer... because I started wondering if someone was gonna come block it). He mentioned that I would want to blog about a reverse layup I hit on a miss by a teammate...

I think it would be more fun to blog about my second technical foul ever (Doc has seen both). Third technically, but one was for attempting to enter a game when I had already fouled out (also only happened about once...). I was being fouled... THis is not unusual, but I thought it was getting bad... I would say he slapped my arms about four times... HE then had the ball. I yelled, "COME ON..." And the ref (Who has been refereeing games since I have been in STL) shook his head as in, "It wasn't a foul..." I was thinking, damn straight it wasn't... it was four. What I actually said was, "JUST SAY YOU DIDN'T SEE IT!!!" Not abusive words, but I was yelling very very loudly...

We were down ten at halftime. I told the ref what I did was childish and asked his forgiveness. He also called more fouls after that...

We won by 2.

It felt good...

I care about basketball a lot less than I used to, but I apparently still care enough to yell at a ref...

And now, I will make my blog private.

And post a picture of Tom Chambers... Can anyone else hear Dan Patrick saying, "Hurt the Rim Tommy..."

Tomorrow... Hurry!

Tomorrow I will be making my blog private... I was going to wait longer then realized anyone who wants to get ahold of me knows some way... other than my actual blog, to get ahold of me.

I will probably switch it late tonight or tomorrow...

For reasons I will make clear soon!

So, I think I need your email to let you read it.

So, make sure I know you read it (the most random people tell me they read it)

Cheez-Its

Scott Sauls, our former pastor at Riverside, taught me as much as anyone about the Gospel.

He was a big fan of a couple of illustrations, but one (that to my knowledge he only used once) is totally stuck in my head.

He talked about his ability to sit down in front of the TV and eat an entire box of Cheez its. He said he ate the entire box because he doesn't believe the Gospel - not everywhere, not all the time. And, sometimes he wants to feel different and so he will sit down and eat an entire box of Cheez-Its while watching TV.

Luckily for me it is goldfish...

Fortunately or unfortunately there are a lot of things that I do - now that I have this illustration - that are because there are places where I simply do not believe that I am a mess and that I am loved.

Hmmmmm...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/17/AR2008111703682.html

Why I shouldn't write about Death

Because it has been too close all year.

Because I don't know that I have much to say.

What is more scary to me is that so many have so much less to say. I went to a funeral - three weeks ago - at a relatively liberal church in my community. They were unwilling to say anything... Or maybe they had nothing to say. Maybe they were so busy deconstructing the Bible they forgot to see if it had anything to say - I don't know. I just know that at the funeral they had nothing to say. Luckily my friend's sister had good things to say.

I suppose my main message, from what I can tell about Jesus and the story he is telling is, "This is not the way it is supposed to be..." Seems like Jesus did a lot less comforting with the idea of Heaven than we (evangelicals... showing my cards: I am an evangelical) often do. Seems like he was moved by death, and he needed to provide a more powerful - yeah, material - redemption.

2 other things (I could expand the above one for pages... But I won't).

Why do we want knowledge? Is knowledge power, or is it just more knowledge? Or, is it a distraction to the grief process?

One of my friends died a few weeks ago and we do not know why. I think last year I would have wanted to know (she was in her 20's). I do not care as much now. I wish I knew her better. I was greatly appreciative of the stories told at the funeral - and of the space provided by the men presiding over the service to grieve, to enjoy, to think and pray (not the liberal, local church - this was actually a collaborative effort). I do not think knowledge is always power.

I was going to write about Hell, and how I am glad that the picture of God in the Bible punishes sin... But, I'm not sure I can muster the energy to do it any justice (pun not intended). Somehow, in my heart, these areas are all very tied.

assumptions

I have resolved to assume less.

I wonder what life will be like when I can pull that off to some extent?

I think I will be a better man, husband, friend, etc.

I voted

For Obama.

I thought about my vote a lot. I asked my brother - he teaches at a school in Chicago and was very kind of tolerate my conservative question. He gave me two options for thinking about it correctly: computational and ontological. If you know what that means please let me know... in the end Donald Miller expresses why I voted for Obama well. I have a lot of hopes on top iof this, but here is what he has said...

By the way, right after this picture was taken, Caroline fell over her pumpkin... But, going to the patch (albeit expensive) was really fun... And, we have the pumpkin (a green one) on our porch. Thanks Ross Chaffin for copying this post so I could then steal it (also).

"Burnside: Can you lay out your biggest reasons for supporting Barack Obama?

Donald Miller: First off, I know this is an odd thing for somebody in my position to do, to support a candidate for President. But I do feel this candidate is unique. Barack is the only candidate willing to talk about his faith in Jesus. Other candidates are reluctant, but Obama is not. He is the only one who has consistently talked about the cross, about redemption, and about repentance. Many white evangelicals have a misconception about Barack...they believe that because he is a Democrat, he cannot be a Christian. But times have changed, culture has changed, and political parties change. So one of the reasons I support Barack is because he is my Christian brother, and other Christians are rejecting him.

But that has little to do with his candidacy. In short, there are a few issues I agree with Barack on.

Senator Obama is going to move us past the impasse in our cultural war, something I think of as a cultural Vietnam. On the issue of abortion, he is the only candidate who has a plan to reduce the number of abortions. John McCain's only plan is the same old trick: say that you are pro life and offer no plan at all other than to criminalize abortion. I simply think that plan hasn't worked, and we have to face that fact and look for other ways to make progress.

I realize this is controversial, that there are many who would rather vote for a pro-life candidate and keep the abortion rate the same, on principle. And like them I believe in the sanctity of life, I simply think we need to begin making progress, and Barack is offering progress. He is also standing up to his own party on the issue and moving the party forward to elevate the issue of the sanctity of life within the Democratic Party. I also see this as progress. I do wish we could end abortion completely, but the Republicans have not spelled out a realistic plan to do so, and until they do, I won't vote for a candidate who simply throws us a pro-life line and no plan. It seems insincere.

But let me add this: I do wish Obama were pro-life. His plan to reduce the rate of abortion is a great step for the party, but I also wish he would defend the unborn to a greater degree.

However, at this point, in this election, with these two candidates, I think progress will be made with Barack. Not enough progress, but some progress, especially within the Democratic party, who may soften their stand on the sanctity of life.

A personal connection with me regarding Obama involves the initiative he is taking with responsible fatherhood. He has already drawn up legislation to change the welfare state to stop rewarding families whose fathers leave, and is working to change the economic structure so fathers who stay with their families are given tax relief. This has been an age-old problem that was written about in George Gilder's book Sexual Suicide. (Gilder's) book is a Conservative's economic manifesto, but Barack sees a lot of value in Gilder's ideas. But because Barack is a Democrat, Conservatives are unable to even consider his ideas."

Proof that Mom should always accompany Dad to the park

So, I'm about to leave for a Men's Retreat, and don't have time to write much. What will be interesting is to see if Rachel reads this/views this post while I am gone!

She is great about knowing that both of us add things to the girls' lives that are indispensable and often cannot be manufactured by the other... But, sometimes doesn't 'feel good' when she sees pictures like this one.

Bigger Every Day...

As requested

The 6th Sense

So, when I saw the Sixth Sense I was late. It made it a far more intriguing movie. I remember later seeing a shirt that said, "I see stupid people... they are everywhere... they always want to talk to me." I thought that the shirt was funny.

Today I heard the 60th story of a stupid person, responding stupidly to a friend of mine who is in crisis. We talked it over for awhile - attempting to become sad, rather than angry and offended.

Reminds me of when people ask me if they can do anything when it is clear I am hurting. I know they mean well, and it is a hair better than "how are you doing", but I would like to have each of them sit with me and we would talk about how it is harder... but better, to simply say "I'm sorry this is going on", or "I don't have the words... I'm sorry" (cheesy - sure).

I can't get my head around my own desire to fix, much less anyone else's. But, I am more and more aware of when we are left with margin - some answers, but not all. Some hope, but not so much that we aren't consistently in pain. Some ability to see beauty, but some obscurity even in that.

Right this second what saves me (honestly it has been saving me for a few weeks now), is a robust definition of the Gospel of Jesus. My old pastor used to say, "You're a mess and you're loved", and he would sometimes spend a few moments really stressing the second. I would add, "and you have a role to play in the great story... You're a mess, you're loved, and you have a role to play in the story." It really helps, it really applies everywhere, I really preach it to myself on a regular basis, it really helps me not be intimidated by my worldview source - the Bible... it doesn't make the pain go away, but it takes the pain seriously and seems to offer robust answers to really awful and difficult questions.

Thoughts?

Discuss...

Some have asked for pics

So, the background of my computer changes all the time..

And, I thought that others should get to enjoy what is often so special about that...

An Enjoyable Evening

I have many good friends, one of them is Robbie Griggs. Thanks to Robbie I not only got to go to this debate tonight (Wednesday) for free, but afterwards I got to sit with his boss (one of my seminary professors) and one of the most famous atheists around - Christopher Hitchens.

It is late, because we got to sit together for a good bit and I'm sure that I will have more to write at some point. But, as I grow into my Christianity I am less convinced of the power of my persuasion and more convinced that life is a gift, God is in control and He is good. That being said, Christopher Hitchens is an enjoyable man to have a drink with. He can discuss religion, politics, and history with the best and he is well read. He is a bigger fan of Chesterton than C.S. Lewis, but he TOTALLY agrees with C.S. Lewis' proposition that it is irresponsible and ridiculous to consider Jesus (Hitchens calls him the Nazirite) anything other than liar, lunatic, or savior.

Mostly I listened to Dr. Doriani.

Although I think I caught him off guard by agreeing that many of Christianity's sins are evil (institutional sins in this case)!

Ultimately I enjoyed spending time with him, and with my friend Robbie, and with my professor.

I wonder if this will have a part two or three??? Maybe I should have sit with the Christian from the debate (D'Nesh D'Souza).

While I was there he ate salad, a bit of fried okra, had a Scotch (Some Glen...) and soda (what??? added soda??? yes...), and some Pinot Noir.

What fun it was... My mom said she doesn't usually like those things (although she listened to Bill Clinton the other night just to get herself worked up!), but I don't know if I would like the Dog Shows she goes to either!

Substance

I wonder often about the word Substance. I think it is because I often wonder if knowing Jesus offers a substance to my life and to the world, whereas not knowing Him might lead one into a less and less substantive life. I'm not smart enough to exegete my own sentence, but sometimes I am very struck by the lack of substance of the things that upset us on silly days, and then on other days the substance is very thick.

Yesterday was a hard day. It didn't help that I overate (probably because it was a bad day) at lunch and made myself even more tired.

Luckily, I had the presence of mind to run to the park with Caroline. It rained lightly (which helped honestly), and Caroline seemed the only person or thing of substance to me... I love Julia and my wife, but hadn't seem them much and had been in school most of the morning. School seemed hollow and less meaningful than I hope it will feel on other days.

I realize I was angry. My grief has moved away from my other loved ones and is becoming more selfish - not in a bad way. What I mean is that I am thinking and dealing with it relative to my heart rather than worrying (only) about my mom or my brother or my grandmother.

I have the same answers about death and suffering and the world that I had before this. The answers seem the same - substantive, but not exhaustive. God still seems to me to be good, but the world a bit messier. I love so many things about C.S. Lewis' statement, "Do not come to me with spiritual answers or I will suspect that you do not understand."

I'm doing well today (hence the ability to blog). I do not know how I will feel tomorrow. Mom offers me a lot of strength, my girls offer a lot also.

Thoughts on Death and 3 Pointers

Blogs are funny so I will give medium depth to this one.

I have buried 3 men in the past year who I respect as much as any men I know. Two grandfathers and my mother's husband. My paternal Grandfather was last december, and the other two were in the last three weeks.

Geeps/Jim Blazer Sr. was a good man. He was married over 60 years, his funeral was huge, and I loved him. He loved well - his wife, his four children, his many many grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I could go on and sound like an obituary, btu I know that he loved well. I know that when my parents were together he called my mom, "Pretty lady". I know that he didn't see her for almost 20 years, and when he saw her at my graduation he said, "Hey there pretty lady."

Richard Jorgensen loved my mother well. He was the most "man's man" I ever knew. He was drafted to play minor league ball, he had a hit record in the 50's, he was the president of a bank, and he married up to marry my mom. I performed the funeral, and it was easily the hardest thing I have ever done or participated in.

Donald Francis Toomey was a true Renaissance man. He was a successful professional photographer (took photos at the Nuremberg trials among other things), he was working on his second book about sacraments and missions in New Mexico (first book was on California missions and Father Junipero Serra), he made many local artists famous by writing about them in local magazines, he sold his collection of DH Lawrence books to the University of New Mexico for 25K (it was a big collection), he is the inspiration to many in our family for higher education, he stepped into a lot of gaps left by men in this family, and I didn't even mention his PHd in Geology...

It has been a rough few weeks.

Tonight I hit a 3 pointer to put us up one 49-48 against a good team (semi-finals of our league). About two minutes later I hit another to tie it at 52... I almost cried running back down the court, I really did... It was just such a simple gift, but it felt so basically good to my heart. We lost, but I was 2-2... I would rather we had won, but I appreciated the gift. My mom (who is having a much worse week than me... and yet, people keep asking how she is doing) says to not feel guilty when little things feel good. So, I'm admitting it felt good. It has been a long hard couple of weeks. My three girls have been rocks of joy and fun. My mom is going to be okay, because she is awesome. And... they weren't just gifts, I have shot several thousand 3 pointers... and Jody threw me two good passes.

My Trespassing Two Year Old

So, we have tried to make this a fun summer for Caroline what with the new baby and all. So, today we went to Grant's Farm. I checked the website, set up the bike (because then it is free), and off we went.

As we roll in there are no cars. I recall that they don't open until mid-morning so I have a fleeting Clark Griswald, "We're the first ones here..." But, then I realize that the man I am looking at driving a golf cart was not John Candy and my heart sank. I asked if they were closed and he explained that I had mis-read the website twice - no Mondays and they are now on fall Schedule...

But, through conversation it was made clear that I could kind of go about the Clydesdales. It wasn't exactly open, but it wasn't exactly closed and we saw no people after the John Candy-character. It was wonderful, Caroline enjoyed being with the Clydesdales, and afterwards we went to the park. Perhaps just her and I and the Clydesdales were better than her and I and a thousand people with the other animals, the train, and the two free beers.

I could go on - I am amazed that she will sit in a swing for 40 minutes (and I have the sore forearms to prove it...). I love when she closes her eyes for five minutes at a time on the swing. I don't love the whining that accompanies her being two... but, maybe that makes the 40 minutes of silence on the swing magical.

It has been a hard week. All of my girls have been amazing. I should take her to the zoo or something tomorrow...

Camera Phones

So, I think camera phones are silly... But I still use mine and occaisonally find a pic like this one...

Going Home

So, I was reading yesterday and the author mentioned, with a qualification that his book is not about parenting, that the goal is to convince our children that we love them more than they could possibly imagine... And, that they are not the center of the universe.

That struck me pretty profoundly because I was at home in order to take care of my two year old. Three days ago, she didn't get out of bed for two hours - just laid there. She is talking less, and strangely - lots of n's "Daenny" is my name sometimes. This was the part I knew I wasn't as ready for as the other parts - the change for Caroline. My solution - talk to her about it, and make her play. I let her watch cartoons and have pizza and a popsicle (did I mention that she wasn't eating or drinking much either?), then we went to the pool. She loves the pool, and started to perk up within sight of it - but then she slid back down. Wanted me to carry her everywhere, and wouldn't engage in the things she loves to play with.

I talked to some parents I saw there - they had twins and then triplets!!! They said their twins still haven't gotten over the triplets being born, but that that is their lot in life and they stopped trying to overextend after a few months of trying that. It didn't fly well with me, but it was great advice. So, Caroline and I went to the slide. She did not want to go, but she wasn't protesting. I took her down ten times, she never walked, and for awhile didn't say she wanted to do it again. And, I kept telling her we were going to do it again (each time she would smile during the actual sliding); until she said "do it two more times???" Then she was back to normal and played with her noodle, ran, and then we went out to eat and she ate a plate of spaghetti (the shirt is now being stain-treated by Grandma).

We continue to talk with her, she is clearly worried about Mommy's ouchey, and life will never be the same again. But I have my beloved dialectical-parenting philosophy. Basic, but with no arrival - just the way I like it.

Oh yeah... and Rachel and I are going home in about an hour. I suppose it will be worse when they are both teenagers!

Want Caroline to Brush Mommy's Hair?

Caroline did okay with Julia. Round two begins in about 20 minutes... She is a verbal processor so we will talk to her a lot (shocking that I would have a verbal kid...), she knows that Mommy has an ouchy. She knows that she was born here, and that helps her connect with Julia being born here... We have been buying her balloons when she visits.

Big Sister

She can say who Julia is, that Julia is her sister, etc.

We're very interested in her reaction when she realizes Julia will not leave - ever.

This morning Caroline slept in for two extra hours (never happened)...

Julia Paige Blazer

Mommy gets to shower today... first one since Sunday.

Julia Paige Blazer

Monday, 10:51 PM, 8 lbs, 11 ounces

Silly

I use that word a lot... Silly. I must have a two year old.

I also got a new computer, and it changed my podcast web address to:

http://web.mac.com/mattblazer/Site/Podcast/Podcast.html

I don't know why.

I will update that one after I finish putting my talks from Colossal Camp on there...

Macs are awesome, but who can explain them???

Letters and Dinosaurs

So, the latest game (for Caroline and I) is to play the "Wheels on the bus". A slight bit like Calvin Ball, "Wheels on the bus" can exist outside where it involves running around the tree in our front yard singing various verses of the hit song. However, lately it is more interesting for Caroline to request that I make up new verses all the time. Current verses that may or may not be in the original (which we have copies of in at least two books) - The cars on the bus ("boom, boom, boom"), the penguins ("I can't fly"), the spoons ("Scoop, scoop, scoop"), the dogs ("Woof, woof, woof"), the mommies (you think you've heard this one, but Caroline learned a different version from Mommy - must ask Mommy to hear that one), the cats, the sheep ("Don't take my wool"), the cows ("moo, moo, moo"), the Carolines ("this is not a crisis..."), the Ronnies (our dog, "I Hate thunder"), the Batmans (he says "I am fat" because he is), Stegosaurus', Bill the Dinosaurs (a T-Rex I think), Fred the Dinosaurs (like Bill, only yellow), Triceratops' ("Get out of my way"), Racoons ("I can fight", because I only know what I learned from Old Yeller), etc.

ANYWAY, tonight, while she was in the bathtub she asked for several new verses based upon letters she was picking up (she has these little letters that stick to the walls of the tub). Letters she knows: 't', 'g', 'q', 'x', 'm', 'w'... She mistook 'o' for 'g' and the number '1' for the number '2'. It was amazing. Not because she is advanced (like every kid, I'm sure she is in some ways and not in others), but because she has learned so much! It is just fun to watch and participate alongside! Crazy crazy crazy...

Let me know if you have any fun verse ideas...

The Record of Christians

So, I'm in Baltimore, and I just got finished speaking to an amazing group of senior high and junior high students.

Throughout the week I was loosely encouraging those who were already Christians on what I had learned about apologetics in 2008... That is a fancy way of saying I used what I know of Tim Keller's book "Reason for God" to encourage them on interacting with people who have these blocks between them and the Lord like - Suffering, the Exclusive Claims of Christianity, etc.

One of the hardest ones to deal with is the Record of Christians...

So, on the cab ride home from Dinner (which couldn't have lasted more than 10 minutes), I was interrogated by a poor 72 year old Jewish man who was beat up repeatedly in school because "Jews killed Jesus"... I think I got a semi-free pass for not being Catholic. At the end he said, "Well, someone needs to ask forgiveness for all that..." and I leaned forward and I asked his forgiveness, and he granted it - said he wasn't talking about me (to which I said I was in that tradition so I was asking anyway) - and he thanked me... And I upped my tip...

Then he came back to give me money back because he remembered that our first stop was for him to get gas...

We re-lived both the forgiveness and the tip again.

I suppose Tim Keller is right. I suppose I was right to encourage the kids to simply apologize and offer forgiveness when and where we can... Being right doesn't make me any less sad that this poor man had to fight many days of his elementary school and junior high years. I wonder if I could have talked to him about Jesus if he hadn't been beat up so much when he was young.

mickey

So, we went to Serendipity tonight because we knew Silly Jilly would be there. Silly Jilly makes balloon animals. Two weeks ago she made Caroline a giraffe (George). George looked very strange when parts of him began to pop.

So, we walk over (after pizza, not the healthiest evening...) and Caroline is VERY excited at this point. Silly Jilly offers to make another giraffe, a monkey, a lady bug (I saw one of these, it was pretty amazing - she is much better than Cowboy Gil), and since she didn't offer to make any of the little Einstein's (maybe you have seen their show at 7:00 AM CDT???) we decided on Mickey (he comes on at 7:30).

The entire time Silly Jilly was making Mickey Caroline was screaming, "WOW WOW WOW, LOOK AT THAT!!! LOOK AT THAT!!! WOW WOW, LOOK AT THAT MICKEY!!!" And hopping up and down. It was like an ad for balloon-animal-vendors... And we thought we should share.

Sorry for the low-resolution picture, I only had my phone

1:12

I want to go to bed.

I will soon.

Have some finals this week, but I'm blogging at 1:12 because I hate sin. Usually I am careful on my blog to not talk too Christian-ey... But, I hate sin. I want my friends and family to stop drowning in it.

Sorry that I always use that word, but that is what it looks like to me from here.

Caroline reminds me of so much of what is good in the world, and yet I know that (while I "have what it takes") I cannot protect her from the world, her own flesh, and the one who prowls about seeking to devour her...

Lord, I believe... help my unbelief.

The hard way out

So, I posted that picture because it is awesome.

I thought about writing about stories and how I rented the third Season of Arrested Development ("STEVE HOLT!!!"). It was good and funny - I laughed out loud on my own - but I was sad to not have rented a story. I even bought popcorn. I cannot remember the last time I bought popcorn for a couch-movie.

Earlier in the week I rented and watched 1408. Rachel began watching, then we all decided she shouldn't watch it. I don't recommend it. It is neither scary enough nor good enough. The evil isn't tangible enough and the character development is too tangible. However, I will give it to Stephen King he understands the point of suffering to some degree.

Cusack sees several ghosts in the movie, and was sort of disappointed in them (except for the startling aspect) until I realized I was supposed to be. No apparition or physical sensation or even the anticipation of such is as powerful as your own past and your own story. Now, this - in and of itself - does not equal what I would call a robust definition of suffering! Rather it is merely a description.

But, at the end it is clear that Cusack is better for having gone through it. His marriage is better, his work is leagues and light years better, his marriage is better... Some of it was new suffering, some was facing old suffering - most was dealing with himself...

So, why do we elevate our experience? Is this what we do now that Sartre and Kirkegaard have really influenced everybody (they were existentialists... don't ask me much more than that)? We think we're not supposed to suffer... I suppose much of the culture tells us we are not supposed to... When looking for reasons and especially what to do we simply go to ourselves (In Cusack's case he was still writing, but writing cheap silly Haunted House tour Guide Books and surfing while his wife didn't even know where he was. I have sympathy for where his character was, but that isn't the right response.) So, what is the right response? I don't know. I have a lot of trouble looking people who have suffered in the eye and telling them they have elevated their experience over what they know to be true about life, suffering, and community.

Isn't community funny too? We love it, we hate it, we need it so desperately, it creates as much hardship as anything... We run from it, we cannot run from it?

Juno

So, Rachel and I saw Juno tonight. I enjoy movies. This was one of the few that I saw without refreshments - I am on a "I don't know how to really diet, but I should breathe between bites..." diet, and it includes not ordering popcorn and a large cup of corn to drink (you know that that is all that soda is right?).

I liked that it resolved a bit more than other 2008ish movies, but wasn't a feel good 80's flick (although I really like those and am pretty amazing at pointless 80's trivia). I liked the characterization and movement - didn't see Jason Bateman ending the way he ended in the movie. It made me like people more, believe in life and the movement within it, made me want to buy the soundtrack for my wife, made me want to watch more Arrested Development...

Other things I could write about... The friend who made a decision to not keep their baby - hard to think about without Juno. The pen I just successfully filled with ink that belonged to my great-grandfather. A listener of my podcast wants me to podcast about guilt. And I'm tired of Seminary, mainly because I still see drowning people everywhere as I drive to a place where my role (Calling???) is to sit and be trained (deal with my authority issues???) while many of the drowning ones ask me to speak - at events, into their lives, over coffee...

Discuss... (You may also discuss my daughter on her second birthday eating a cupcake out of a cone - GREAT IDEA, my wife is a genius)...