Giving

I'm pretty sure this blog is supposed to be about going to game five of the series... I did stand on 7th street for an hour high fiving people after the game...

But, I want to know (and my e-friends, with the one noteable exception, are not responding super-well to these questions) how much we should give to one another. One of the counselors I used to see used to draw a circle and then a line in the middle of it. He would then talk (briefly because he is a very good counselor) about when one person gives 50%, the other only 25, how there is then a void... (and what should we do with that void???)

I think everyone responds to the void differently, give more, give the same (His solution) amount you were before, give less (kind of a negative reaction I would think, but one could argue for it), or chuck the relationship entirely.

Lately, I have become really aware of how much and how many relationships I desire, but I realize also I don't know how to love many of my friends well. Some live in town and I don't do well, some live in South Carolina and I don't do well. Some live in New Jersey and I think we do a fine job... (Those are all people, I'm not good at 'examples' who are truly anonymous... )

How do you give? When do you feel like you could give more? Are your friendships improving at this point in your life? I didn't even get into family... So much harder, yet with so much more natural love there...

I put in a picture of my wonderful daughter because 1. She is the main attraction to my blog. 2. This is HER FRIEND, Princess Poodelina Rose, and 3. She is currently asking me very sternly if I could (perchance?) leave the keyboard and fix her some applesauce and barley.

E-Mail

I just received an e-mail from someone (I do not know who because they did not leave a name) who was listening to my podcast for some time apparently... They will no longer be listening after a comment I made where I said, "Jesus screwed all this up..."

I honestly don't remember exactly what I was talking about and am forced to assume this was in response to my last podcast about sub-cultures and counter-cultures and my own interpretation of which one Jesus was promoting through his Gospel.

The writer also was astute in pointing out that I am too-often abstract. I mean it that she/he was astute, I am abstract - I think that way, write that way (much to the chagrin of professors), and have always been led to teach that way (much to the chagrin of the students I get to teach).

I have two purposes in writing this blog: one to explain to the writer how their e-mail made me feel, and two: to fight e-mail as an actual mode of communication.

It sent a chill through my body, especially through my neck, and made my heart beat faster. Because I do not know exactly how the writer felt, I am again forced to assume that she/he was left upset by the comment I made. There was no dialogue. For all I know the listener has more knowledge and education about everything I talk about than I do. So, I am left with my heart beating quickly and no resolution whatsoever. I would be interested to know how I was wrong, i would be excited to ask forgiveness if i had offended, and I would be more than willing to talk if there was a misunderstanding. Instead I am left to write this blog...

A pastor in Michigan calls gossip verbal pornography because we want the rush of being in someone else's life without taking the time and energy to be in their life. It might be an imperfect analogy, but hey, it isn't mine! The point with e-mail is similar. If you have something to communicate that is more than just news/weather/sports - please communicate it in a two-sided way. I would like to write adjectives about my opinions about these e-mails. I won't. I just wish we might all learn a little something about people, and how to love them well this side of the New Heavens and the New Earth - we could start by communicating...

Leaving a Legacy

I know I want to do this... I know some aspects... and I know I want it to be me-specific... is that bad? What does it mean to leave a legacy? how much of it is your family? How much is it like getting published or something...


I took this picture (unlike almost all of the others... taken by my wife). I love my daughter, she is such a trip...

reflect

So, this picture is about relflection (The thing I'm bad at). We also took a picture of our feet: one set very small, one a woman's size six, one a man's size 10... Very fun picture...

But, this one is about my most powerful calling: my family...

What do you wish you reflected more upon

Anthony Campolo

If you went to my high school, his name might conjure up a bad image but I love his stuff. he uses the same analogies (largely from his own life) over and over and so what - they're great analogies (like throwing a birthdy party for a hooker he had just met)...

Anyway, one of his talks is based loosely on the three things people who live to be over 100 years old wish tey had done differently...

Risk, Reflect, and leave more of a legacy for when they are gone...


How do you do at those three things? I think I am good at the first, awful at the second, and consistently thinking about the third...

This picture is in honor of taking risks...

Saving, redemption, or Psalm 8???

So, that is not me, but I did catch two fish like that one (and one small shark), fishing the other day off of Amelia Island in Florida. That large fish, a tarpon, does fight a lot and the second one (maybe a shade over 100 pounds) made me walk around the boat 12 times before he was tired enough for me to pull him in and pull out the hook.

I wonder why we like fishing and hunting so much? My guide is this strange mixture of environmentally conscious and not-so-much... It is probably an occupation thing, but Captain Jim will not kill a fish; but, he is an active deer hunter (although he only goes after very large bucks). Anyway, I was enjoying the fishing a lot, but I noticed that Captain Jim would always set the Tarpon right in the water to facilitate them swimming back down into the ocean (we didn't pull them on to the boat). This seemed very exciting, and with my second (and last) Tarpon, I asked him if I could cut the hook off and set the fish right so he wouldn't have trouble swimming back down. Captain Jim said, "You can do whatever you want!"

And that was the highlight of my afternoon. That, and not losing another finger to another rope! Seriously though, my favorite part was not the 45 minutes it took me to win the battle with my tarpon, but it was setting his top fin upright again and pushing him under the water to watch him swim away.

Psalm 8 is more cosmological than anything, but it refers to subduing the Earth. I wonder if we stop thinking too early, if we forget to be New Covenant Thinkers with a Scripture like that. Relative to Jesus shouldn't we subdue the Earth in order to set it free? Isn't the point of Jesus to redeem the whole world? Heaven is all well and good, but as I look at Scripture - and the deep places of my heart - I have a great desire for the New Heavens and the New Earth.

This is not personified in me pushing the Tarpon back under the water, but I do think it alludes to my heart desiring not to dominate this creature... I think that is mistaken, what I really want is to see the beginnings of redemption everywhere... Again, the analogy falls short quickly! but, as I was leaning over the boat, laying on the floor, pushing this massive fish under water... I juts wonder if we don't wrap up our theology too quickly in Heaven, saving folks, tithing, etc. A Cosmic redemption sounds much more exciting to me; much more like Good News.

But, enough about me... What do you think?

The Sig

So, I don't have a picture of the Sig... At least not on my computer... Maybe I should "Google Image" him. But anyway, I promised him I would not only podcast. but that I would podcast about him. Everyone I know who knows the Sig likes him; I have often wished I were that type of guy, but I am glad there aren't millions like himk because then he wouldn't be so unique...

The other main thing you should know about Sean Sigillito is that I always tell the same story about him and that story should not become history (in the form of the internet - created by Al Gore - for just such a time as this). I wanted to schedule a girl's night out for our junior high girls because, well, girls like to hang out... So, being a circular, reciprocating youth pastor I also scheduled a guy's night out. We boxed (among other things), and Sig was the unlikely hero of the boxing night (I suppose you could say that we are "that church" that allows it's kids to box). Sig was the hero becuase at the time he was only in the 6th grade and a little smushy around the mid-section, but during the boxing he absolutely pounded one of the most cocky 8th graders in our church, we will call him Chester. Chester plays one or two sports very well, has had many girlfriends, and has asn awkwardly low voice for an 8th grader (he isn't especially tall or large either).

Anyway, we didn't allow the kids to hit in the face or below the belt (we aren't "that church"... well, yeah, we are, but we still didn't let them hit there). And I wasn't so sure about the matchup between Chester and Sig, but once the gloves were on Sig went straight to work. His style is to cradle one arm in a defensive stance, and to upercut all day wit hthe otehr one. Furthermore, Sig used his substantial mass (at the time) to block Chester from moving around and utilizing his greater speed. Sig proceeded not just to pound Chester out of the ring, but into submission also... it was one of my favorite moments in my 10ish years in Youth Ministry...

Thanks Sig.

Podcasting

I actually podcast...

Arrogant... Weird... I might have three listeners... But here is the address: It might be more satisfying than blogging... the jury is still out... one more set of ellipses...

http://web.mac.com/mattblazer/iWeb/Site/Podcast/Podcast.html

Steve McQueen

So, I've received some complaints about not updating my blog enough. I apologize. I think that my impression of blogging was that it was about dialogue, about important ideas, etc. But, I now know that it is more about sharing yourself on the internet. Sounds Creepy, but I enjoy reading other people's, so I should probably have the courtesy to update my own: that is the best I can do right Cary?
I doubt many of the kids I am hanging out with this week even know who Steve McQueen is, but they are on a trip that might have a different name without his silver screen heroism: the Great Escape. It is a strange trip. I could write for hours about what we are doing, what is working, etc. They would generally be theologically erroneous statements though...

And, that doesn't seem to be the point of a blog.

Instead, I think I will list in small detail some of the things our group has been caught doing/accused of/labeled as. Keep in mind that many of these poor volunteers (from other churches) are simply here because no one else would go. Many others are dumb!!!

Throwing Water Balloons out of a 4th story window (true - unsupervised)
Cheating During recreation (true - supervised by Blazer, although there were no scores kept and no winners or losers determined, one day I went over the edge...)
Stealing the skit prop 'The Holy Grail' (true - unsupervised, although encouraged by Mike Higgins and then the rest of the leaders)
Swimming in the fountain, which apparently has many chemicals in it (true - multiple times, unsupervised)
Firing Water Balloons at the Work Crew tent instead of into the field (true, Blazer)
Saving too many seats at the front of the auditorium (we had trouble not laughing at the inanity of this particular accusation, as did the leadership)
Breaking a windshield of a car with a football (true - Higgins punting)
Firing off fireworks affter curfew in a state that it is illegal (NC), (True, Blazer, although the director of the camp, a 20 year YM guy, took us to a better spot when he caught us)

There are more... We labeled one leader 'Hilary Faye' (SAVED) because she enjoys worship VERY VERY MUCH, and told on us more than once. We enjoyed being 'those leaders' and 'that church' because our kids had more fun that way.

Amazing

We watched a video in our Lamaze/Infant Care Class where a baby slowly made his way up his mom's tummy to feed over the course of an hour or so... (without any help, right after being born).

The first thing our instructor said was, "Isn't that amazing... nature..." The first response, from stupid engineer man, was, "It isn't amazing, it's just biology..." My wife theorizes that he had a baby girl (like mine, pictured left), and is now a big pile of mushy noises and tears.

I find my baby amazing. She is starting to smile and make faces. She is 6.5 weeks old. Today she and I got to hang out for a few hours while mom ran some errands and was intentionally by herself. It was amazing how much more Caroline would rather lay on me (listening to my heart like when she lived in Mom) than lay in her expensive crib, bassinet (borrowed), or her 'bouncy seat' which will vibrate and play songs.

What was amazing to you this week? That word has been a great cliche in my life for awhile... even this past weekend it became a buzz word at a camp for 4-6th graders... But, seriously, what has been amazing to you? Even if it is something that victimized you, or somethign wonderful, or some person? What seems/is/appears amazing to you?

Line - (*line*)

That is my favorite Picture. There is no flash, but I like it because she is already showing her passive aggressive (like har parents) tendencies... Her arms are always in the way and we have yet to keep them swaddled.

Some random facts from the hospital:

The songs that went through my head the most:

"Brilliant Disguise": Springsteen
"Long December": Counting Crows


Nurses that we liked:
Lori (had 3 X)
Andrea (had 2X)
Lin

People we are not sure really exist:
Dot: Dot is in her 60's (supposedly), and has been a Lactation Consultant for St. John's for a long time. We saw her once and she accomplished more than all other nurses and consultants in the four days we were in the hospital. We never saw or heard from her again... Something about entertaining angels...

Visitors:

Saturday:
Rob and Shirley Westmoreland (Rachel's folks)
Karen Smith (Who appeared within 20 minutes of my phone call to her)

Sunday:
Rob and Shirley Westmoreland
Anne Simon (Youth Staff Intern)
Jennifer Patneau (Friend/Youth Volunteer)
Hannah Smith (8th grade girl)
Emily Wood (8th Grade Girl)
Sydney McClain (8th Grade Girl)
Robbie, Jane-Ellis, Charlie, and Peter Griggs (Peter is negative two weeks) (Friends)

Monday:
Brian Janous (7:50 AM with Kaldi's Mocha in tow... amazing... totally got me jump-started)
A Random couple that Rachel knew from her old job at Saint John's
Shirley Westmoreland (Rob went home, Shirley is stil here - Thank God)
Scott Sauls (Pastor, commented that Caroline will look like Joan Jett)
Phat Phil Woods (Also a Pastor of Greentree Community Church in Webster Groves)
(PHAT stands for Praise Him All the Time, Phil is just his name)
Mike Higgins (Youth Director at Greentree Kirkwood)
Jeff and Katie Fabbiano (Friends)
Brian, Kim, and Tyler Janous (Tyler and I ate Teddy Grahams)
Mary Mercer (Rachel's Old Boss from Saint John's - yes, the same Saint Johns)
Robin Something-or-other from Saint Johns
Megan Sweeney (Friend)
Mike, Tammy, Molly, and Lucas Higgins (oh, yes, Mike came Twice)

We were pleasantly surprised at how much we enjoyed visitors. But, Monday Night and Tuesday were hard. Proof of the sovereignty of God for my small brain: No Visitors on Tuesday.

I'm just enjoying writing... Hope you guys like the pics of my daughter!!!

O - (*ooo*)

I like this picture a lot.

We are now home, and the first night went better than it might've... Mom did get some sleep, dad got a litle more thanks to grandma (still, everything wakes you up).

Car- (*care)

Some Numbers for you who like them:

4:00 AM Water Broke

5:00 AM In L&D Room breathing and contracting

9:15ish (Epidural... whew)

Concern: Caroline does not like contractions and her heart rate goes down with each one. An -in-utero Baby's heart rate is supposed to eb between 110-150. Caroline's dropped to 70 towards to the end...

10:00: Dr. Mary Grimm shows up (Our OBGYN)

10:30: After two shots of Tergi-something or other that were supposed to slow contractions (they were coming wuickly and on top of each other, Epidural was very nice) Dr. Grimm decides we are willing to mess with the idea of Caroline not being veyr healthy...

11:15 C-Section is finished, picture is taken, feet stamped, etc.

7 Lbs, 4 Ounces... 20 and 1/2 " long... 3-18-06 (although someone wrote on her chart 03', so she was actually gestating for 3 years and nine months according to Saint Johns!)

Stuff

So, my car was broken into... No more laptop and no more U2 IPOD. Honestly, I am more annoyed with how sympathetic people have been than I am about the stuff missing... Okay, not more annoyed, but I am pleasantly surprised that my heart was not torn out to have lost the entire Digital U2 Catalog (Catalogue?).

I did go out and buy an IBook G4 (The cheap, small one). "Welcome to the Kingdom" was what one of the Interns at church said when he saw it.

So, I kind of felt like I really am a Christian with this whole, 'my stuff was stolen and it sucks, but it didn't end my life/week, etc.'... Where does the rubber meet the road in your life? (This probably isn't where it meets in my life seeing as how I will have a baby daughter in a few days!!!!!!!) So, where does the rubber meet the road in the everyday 'stuff' of life. Do you love your stuff? Do you not? Personally, I probably am more anti-money than anti-idolatry lest you think I don't love my stuff because of my Holiness! But, where does it feel real to you? Where does it make cognitive sense? Where has the Lord chosen to encourage you that he IS changing you/your heart?

How Evangelical???

How important is it to be Evangelical? How Evangelical should we be? How Evangelical Are you? As I grow up, as I read Donald Miller, as I become more and more frustrated by the Gospel of Sin Management I sense a growing awareness of my Evangelical Roots. I am Reformed also... Doesn't that simply mean I have a big picture of the sovereignty of God? John Piper writes (after being picked up by a truck driver) that being Reformed frees him to share the Gospel and to not worry about his role after that. Linz, Fabbs, Elisa, Poshiggity, Cary Murphy, Webel, Katie Adams, any and all readers... How Evangelical is too Evangelical? How Lack-o-Evangelical is missing out on he Great Commission? Do not-so-Evangelicals have more ground to stand on in the real world? Will James Dobson ex-communicate me from Colorado Springs if I choose to talk about the gospel when it is obvious I could crack down on someone for living in sin? I really wonder... I want to keep writing, but I think I'm diverging from my original question. Where are you on the Evangelical Continuum? How do you perceive the Super-Evangelicals? Where does God's Sovereignty come into play or not come into play??? Am I a heretic for asking these questions?

peace peace

Sub-Title: My Life as a Navy Seal for Jesus.

Donald Miller recounts his time at a christian camp as the time where he and a bunch of buddies made pact after pact to not get women pregnant, to not smoke, drink, etc. He says they were like Navy Seals for Jesus... Like many of us I jumped on his bandwagon and have been shedding evangelical layers right and left... If it weren't for my wife, well let's just not go there! I'm glad she reminds me not only that that is not the point of his book, but that Evangelicalism isn't all bad...

Okay, despite the fact that I haven't blogged for awhile (due in large part to losing my office to my still-gestating daughter Caroline) I recall that it is more fun to ask questions and to reminesce slightly than to preach. So, quick trip back in time to my time as a Navy Seal and then it is up to you - my five faithful readers - to pour your life stories onto the keyboard...

I served the Seals in Branson, Taney County Missouri, at Kanakuk Kamps. Despite the fact that I did sign the Seal contract every year to not impregnate women, injure animals, etc. I came to desperately need my Christian bubble. Working at Kanakuk, particularly when I led camping trips, was the simplest time in my life that I can recall. The fact is that divorce has always been a part of my life, I do not remember a time when I was not dealing with the ramifications of it every day. However, at Kamp my job (s) were so simple that I was able to breathe... Especially in the tumultuous summers of 99' and 2000' (Also my first two summers as a trip man). And while I remember sitting in the rocking chair on the deck of the trip-mens cabin by myself at 3:00 AM I also remember tying knots. As any worthwhile Seal/Kamp-person can, I could (who knows how one of my sheet-bends would look today in Kaldi's) tie many solid knots. That particular summer (99') I was the "Trip-packer", which meant I was alone a lot and did lots of things like tie knots when they needed to be tied. So anyway, I had my propane torch (to melt the ends of the rope so they would not fray), my rope, and my caribener (Spelling???) type things that would hook the ropes onto the boats (I was tying boats to our docks so they would neither float away nor bang into the dock when it was windy). I took a few hours (many boats, many lines to each boat) and I recall feeling so peaceful. At that point in my life I had only one job: to set these boats up with their appropriate knots. I suppose I believed in the greater cause of Kamp, I suppose also that I enjoyed being outside on that crisp June morning at Tablerock Lake. But really the simplicity of it was nectar and ambrosia for my heart.

In "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" they write that children of divorce rarely recall (when asked in a general way about their childhood) playing. They played as much as other kids, but they simply do not recall it (I'm certain this is similar to other kinds of abuse, but I am currently reading baout divorce); they recall other things - the changes in their parents, their change of address, their role continually changing, etc. I found this to be true for my childhood, and for some reason made the conection back to Kamp as one of the only times where my life felt simple. I do not think only abused people or children of divorce crave some amount of simplicity and rest to their hearts, I only know that that condition exacerbated my need for it... So, the sermon was long, but the point was, Where and when has your life been simplest? I'm certain I will get some mountaintop experiences, but I do not care... Tell me that I may share in the peace you experience(d). Please.

Shavat

Where do you find rest? How do you find it? Are there different types of rest? Do we ever think about the 4th commandment anymore? How do you Sabbath? Is church restful to you and to your heart? Where do you find the Lord? When do you stop being creative and truly let your guard down? Does it involve other people or do you need to be alone?

I had the privilege of speaking at a conference on this stuff, but I am really curious still. Plus, blogging seems to work better when a question is asked. Maybe this works like the book recommendations: when someone wants one they will ask. Same thing with my little philosophical/sermon-like musings... if someone wants them they will ask... So, tell me how often, how, why, and how much you like resting.

Solitude

Are you guys afraid of Solitude? Why or why not? Is it the world? Or is it Evangelicalism? The world convinces us that busy is good, our mantra even, "I'm so busy." Meaning: look how productive and hard-working and meaningful I am to the world. Evangelicalism, as far as I can tell and have experienced, says, "Spiritual Disiciplines are all well and good as long as they don't get in the way of real spiritual matters (i.e. getting other people into Heaven)." If you like em, take em; if not, make sure you're still preaching the gospel to people (and not like Francis likes it - Lindsey). What do you think? I don't have as much of a sermon/philosophy as usual I'm just curious. Would love to hear what the Bear has to say on this matter; and the Inquisitor, and quills, and Shiggity, and the Veatch... And Lindsey, and Deana... Seriously, I know why it is hard for me: I condemn myself for not being busy, I have largely bought into Evangelicalism - and the scandal therein, I see myself as Jesus often rather than one of his kids, etc. but what about you guys? Are you content in the loneliness of solitude? Does loneliness remind you of your need for the Lord? Can you be in the car without the radio? Do you seek out time to just be quiet (and not asleep)?

Money and Pascal (Again)

So, Pascal says that everything I do I do to make me happy. My pastor quoted Tom Arnold (via Donald Miller) this past Sunday reiterating this same point. Arnold is admitting that what makes him happy is the approval of other people, but the larger philosophical point is the same... It is the reason one man commits suicide and one man buys a 97' Suzuki Marauder: because he thinks it will make him happy (or, more happy).

I hate money... sort of. I am writing this from my lap-top which I enjoy. I do have a U2 Ipod in my jacket... which I enjoy. There is more than that, but I still kind of think I hate money. Ask Fabbio the Bear, he will tell you. It comes from the way I grew up, or the way I didn't grow up, or maybe just the way I perceived my growing up experience. ANYWAY! I don't like money. I really want to know (and I mean percentages here) how much to save, how much to spend on my house, how much to give away, how much my wife can spend on small insignificant things, how much I can spend on large insignificant things, etc. However, Larry Burkett has all of those things. But, I don't want to do all of those for a lot of reasons. 1. I want to be free, and not develop morals stronger morals than the Bible. 2. I want a nicer house and a motorcycle. 3. I can't tell my wife to not buy 2 billion candles for our house when I own an X-Box, and Ipod, and a motorcycle... I'm sure there are more reasons.

What is funny is that we have money. Sort of... But, I have realized I want to have more every year. Not a ton, but I want there to be more every year. Ultimately, I want that because I think that the bottom line of our 401K, Roth IRA, and bank account - if they are just a little higher this month than last - will make me happy. I watch the houses in our neighborhood and if they sell quickly I feel very good about the theoretical equity Rachel and I are gainging in our house. That lasts for about a week (then we have to pay to get something fixed and I start to wonder how much of that we will get back money-wsie). Our children will be fine money-wise. When our baby girl is born we will start a college fund, etc. But, I will still want our financial bottom-line to continue to grow... it was big of me to realize this, and it is bigger to realize that while there is likely a pure philosophy somewhere about money - the bigger issue is trusting Christ. Give when we are able, save always, spend where needed and don't be legalistic about desires that are not 'needs', when we cannot save - don't worry... I don't even know the rest of them; it just seems revelatory that I think I want this pure philosophy - and I do. But, I want that pure philosophy to not cramp my personal style (0r my wife's). I Don't even know how to end my blog! Your responses are always enjoyable...

Copernicus

I'm pretty sure when Copernicus did all of the work that he did; he did not figure out that the world revolves around Matt Blazer. I'm pretty sure the church was aghast at his findings-that the Earth was not the center of the Solar System. And, I'm pretty sure they were mean to him about it.

Why do I have so much trouble taking everything personally? In my work, in my friendships, in conversations, interacting with my wife? Why is my picture of God so small that it has to be mapped out, explained, and then dealt with accordingly. I am a little tired of the hypocrisy of the church. And I am a lot tired of my own hypocrisy. I heard someone say a couple of weeks ago, that the point is to know the extent your own hypocrisy... or some such wise thing. The point is not to not be one: we all are, will be, have been, and might get worse before we are better. The point is to be honest about it.

I'm amazed how much the book, "Blue Like Jazz" has effected me. (What is the difference between effect and affect, I never can remember despite the piece of paper saying I have a degree in English). Donald Miller says we have to sit one out (we being the Christian Community). What a profound and simple quote. We have always thought our voice was so impotant that we needed to be broadcast, and whenthe world decided it wasn't we just bought some radio stations. Maybe sitting one out means offering that, "They shall know we are Christians by our love..." or some such thing. Why am I so concerned about good theology? (I, of course want to write, "why are 'we' so concerned...). I think there is a 0% chance that ANYONE has it down.

I didn't read Rick Warren's book, but I know that the first line is, "It's not about you." Reminds me of Fabbio the Bear; he says things like that to me. And he can, because I feel totally loved by him and never question his motives in telling me something like that. I know I'm partially writing because of something that upset me last night. I think I'm also writing because I want a biger picture of God, and I'm trying to flush that out a bit. I want to embrace the mystery also; I know the LORD and am thankful for that. I want that to help me to love people; I want my picture of the sovereignty of God to help me see his plan. In the abscence of that I want it to give me peace. I want to take things less personally. In short: I want to be changed.