The 6th Sense

So, when I saw the Sixth Sense I was late. It made it a far more intriguing movie. I remember later seeing a shirt that said, "I see stupid people... they are everywhere... they always want to talk to me." I thought that the shirt was funny.

Today I heard the 60th story of a stupid person, responding stupidly to a friend of mine who is in crisis. We talked it over for awhile - attempting to become sad, rather than angry and offended.

Reminds me of when people ask me if they can do anything when it is clear I am hurting. I know they mean well, and it is a hair better than "how are you doing", but I would like to have each of them sit with me and we would talk about how it is harder... but better, to simply say "I'm sorry this is going on", or "I don't have the words... I'm sorry" (cheesy - sure).

I can't get my head around my own desire to fix, much less anyone else's. But, I am more and more aware of when we are left with margin - some answers, but not all. Some hope, but not so much that we aren't consistently in pain. Some ability to see beauty, but some obscurity even in that.

Right this second what saves me (honestly it has been saving me for a few weeks now), is a robust definition of the Gospel of Jesus. My old pastor used to say, "You're a mess and you're loved", and he would sometimes spend a few moments really stressing the second. I would add, "and you have a role to play in the great story... You're a mess, you're loved, and you have a role to play in the story." It really helps, it really applies everywhere, I really preach it to myself on a regular basis, it really helps me not be intimidated by my worldview source - the Bible... it doesn't make the pain go away, but it takes the pain seriously and seems to offer robust answers to really awful and difficult questions.

Thoughts?

Discuss...

Some have asked for pics

So, the background of my computer changes all the time..

And, I thought that others should get to enjoy what is often so special about that...

An Enjoyable Evening

I have many good friends, one of them is Robbie Griggs. Thanks to Robbie I not only got to go to this debate tonight (Wednesday) for free, but afterwards I got to sit with his boss (one of my seminary professors) and one of the most famous atheists around - Christopher Hitchens.

It is late, because we got to sit together for a good bit and I'm sure that I will have more to write at some point. But, as I grow into my Christianity I am less convinced of the power of my persuasion and more convinced that life is a gift, God is in control and He is good. That being said, Christopher Hitchens is an enjoyable man to have a drink with. He can discuss religion, politics, and history with the best and he is well read. He is a bigger fan of Chesterton than C.S. Lewis, but he TOTALLY agrees with C.S. Lewis' proposition that it is irresponsible and ridiculous to consider Jesus (Hitchens calls him the Nazirite) anything other than liar, lunatic, or savior.

Mostly I listened to Dr. Doriani.

Although I think I caught him off guard by agreeing that many of Christianity's sins are evil (institutional sins in this case)!

Ultimately I enjoyed spending time with him, and with my friend Robbie, and with my professor.

I wonder if this will have a part two or three??? Maybe I should have sit with the Christian from the debate (D'Nesh D'Souza).

While I was there he ate salad, a bit of fried okra, had a Scotch (Some Glen...) and soda (what??? added soda??? yes...), and some Pinot Noir.

What fun it was... My mom said she doesn't usually like those things (although she listened to Bill Clinton the other night just to get herself worked up!), but I don't know if I would like the Dog Shows she goes to either!

Substance

I wonder often about the word Substance. I think it is because I often wonder if knowing Jesus offers a substance to my life and to the world, whereas not knowing Him might lead one into a less and less substantive life. I'm not smart enough to exegete my own sentence, but sometimes I am very struck by the lack of substance of the things that upset us on silly days, and then on other days the substance is very thick.

Yesterday was a hard day. It didn't help that I overate (probably because it was a bad day) at lunch and made myself even more tired.

Luckily, I had the presence of mind to run to the park with Caroline. It rained lightly (which helped honestly), and Caroline seemed the only person or thing of substance to me... I love Julia and my wife, but hadn't seem them much and had been in school most of the morning. School seemed hollow and less meaningful than I hope it will feel on other days.

I realize I was angry. My grief has moved away from my other loved ones and is becoming more selfish - not in a bad way. What I mean is that I am thinking and dealing with it relative to my heart rather than worrying (only) about my mom or my brother or my grandmother.

I have the same answers about death and suffering and the world that I had before this. The answers seem the same - substantive, but not exhaustive. God still seems to me to be good, but the world a bit messier. I love so many things about C.S. Lewis' statement, "Do not come to me with spiritual answers or I will suspect that you do not understand."

I'm doing well today (hence the ability to blog). I do not know how I will feel tomorrow. Mom offers me a lot of strength, my girls offer a lot also.

Thoughts on Death and 3 Pointers

Blogs are funny so I will give medium depth to this one.

I have buried 3 men in the past year who I respect as much as any men I know. Two grandfathers and my mother's husband. My paternal Grandfather was last december, and the other two were in the last three weeks.

Geeps/Jim Blazer Sr. was a good man. He was married over 60 years, his funeral was huge, and I loved him. He loved well - his wife, his four children, his many many grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I could go on and sound like an obituary, btu I know that he loved well. I know that when my parents were together he called my mom, "Pretty lady". I know that he didn't see her for almost 20 years, and when he saw her at my graduation he said, "Hey there pretty lady."

Richard Jorgensen loved my mother well. He was the most "man's man" I ever knew. He was drafted to play minor league ball, he had a hit record in the 50's, he was the president of a bank, and he married up to marry my mom. I performed the funeral, and it was easily the hardest thing I have ever done or participated in.

Donald Francis Toomey was a true Renaissance man. He was a successful professional photographer (took photos at the Nuremberg trials among other things), he was working on his second book about sacraments and missions in New Mexico (first book was on California missions and Father Junipero Serra), he made many local artists famous by writing about them in local magazines, he sold his collection of DH Lawrence books to the University of New Mexico for 25K (it was a big collection), he is the inspiration to many in our family for higher education, he stepped into a lot of gaps left by men in this family, and I didn't even mention his PHd in Geology...

It has been a rough few weeks.

Tonight I hit a 3 pointer to put us up one 49-48 against a good team (semi-finals of our league). About two minutes later I hit another to tie it at 52... I almost cried running back down the court, I really did... It was just such a simple gift, but it felt so basically good to my heart. We lost, but I was 2-2... I would rather we had won, but I appreciated the gift. My mom (who is having a much worse week than me... and yet, people keep asking how she is doing) says to not feel guilty when little things feel good. So, I'm admitting it felt good. It has been a long hard couple of weeks. My three girls have been rocks of joy and fun. My mom is going to be okay, because she is awesome. And... they weren't just gifts, I have shot several thousand 3 pointers... and Jody threw me two good passes.

My Trespassing Two Year Old

So, we have tried to make this a fun summer for Caroline what with the new baby and all. So, today we went to Grant's Farm. I checked the website, set up the bike (because then it is free), and off we went.

As we roll in there are no cars. I recall that they don't open until mid-morning so I have a fleeting Clark Griswald, "We're the first ones here..." But, then I realize that the man I am looking at driving a golf cart was not John Candy and my heart sank. I asked if they were closed and he explained that I had mis-read the website twice - no Mondays and they are now on fall Schedule...

But, through conversation it was made clear that I could kind of go about the Clydesdales. It wasn't exactly open, but it wasn't exactly closed and we saw no people after the John Candy-character. It was wonderful, Caroline enjoyed being with the Clydesdales, and afterwards we went to the park. Perhaps just her and I and the Clydesdales were better than her and I and a thousand people with the other animals, the train, and the two free beers.

I could go on - I am amazed that she will sit in a swing for 40 minutes (and I have the sore forearms to prove it...). I love when she closes her eyes for five minutes at a time on the swing. I don't love the whining that accompanies her being two... but, maybe that makes the 40 minutes of silence on the swing magical.

It has been a hard week. All of my girls have been amazing. I should take her to the zoo or something tomorrow...

Camera Phones

So, I think camera phones are silly... But I still use mine and occaisonally find a pic like this one...

Going Home

So, I was reading yesterday and the author mentioned, with a qualification that his book is not about parenting, that the goal is to convince our children that we love them more than they could possibly imagine... And, that they are not the center of the universe.

That struck me pretty profoundly because I was at home in order to take care of my two year old. Three days ago, she didn't get out of bed for two hours - just laid there. She is talking less, and strangely - lots of n's "Daenny" is my name sometimes. This was the part I knew I wasn't as ready for as the other parts - the change for Caroline. My solution - talk to her about it, and make her play. I let her watch cartoons and have pizza and a popsicle (did I mention that she wasn't eating or drinking much either?), then we went to the pool. She loves the pool, and started to perk up within sight of it - but then she slid back down. Wanted me to carry her everywhere, and wouldn't engage in the things she loves to play with.

I talked to some parents I saw there - they had twins and then triplets!!! They said their twins still haven't gotten over the triplets being born, but that that is their lot in life and they stopped trying to overextend after a few months of trying that. It didn't fly well with me, but it was great advice. So, Caroline and I went to the slide. She did not want to go, but she wasn't protesting. I took her down ten times, she never walked, and for awhile didn't say she wanted to do it again. And, I kept telling her we were going to do it again (each time she would smile during the actual sliding); until she said "do it two more times???" Then she was back to normal and played with her noodle, ran, and then we went out to eat and she ate a plate of spaghetti (the shirt is now being stain-treated by Grandma).

We continue to talk with her, she is clearly worried about Mommy's ouchey, and life will never be the same again. But I have my beloved dialectical-parenting philosophy. Basic, but with no arrival - just the way I like it.

Oh yeah... and Rachel and I are going home in about an hour. I suppose it will be worse when they are both teenagers!

Want Caroline to Brush Mommy's Hair?

Caroline did okay with Julia. Round two begins in about 20 minutes... She is a verbal processor so we will talk to her a lot (shocking that I would have a verbal kid...), she knows that Mommy has an ouchy. She knows that she was born here, and that helps her connect with Julia being born here... We have been buying her balloons when she visits.

Big Sister

She can say who Julia is, that Julia is her sister, etc.

We're very interested in her reaction when she realizes Julia will not leave - ever.

This morning Caroline slept in for two extra hours (never happened)...

Julia Paige Blazer

Mommy gets to shower today... first one since Sunday.

Julia Paige Blazer

Monday, 10:51 PM, 8 lbs, 11 ounces

Silly

I use that word a lot... Silly. I must have a two year old.

I also got a new computer, and it changed my podcast web address to:

http://web.mac.com/mattblazer/Site/Podcast/Podcast.html

I don't know why.

I will update that one after I finish putting my talks from Colossal Camp on there...

Macs are awesome, but who can explain them???

Letters and Dinosaurs

So, the latest game (for Caroline and I) is to play the "Wheels on the bus". A slight bit like Calvin Ball, "Wheels on the bus" can exist outside where it involves running around the tree in our front yard singing various verses of the hit song. However, lately it is more interesting for Caroline to request that I make up new verses all the time. Current verses that may or may not be in the original (which we have copies of in at least two books) - The cars on the bus ("boom, boom, boom"), the penguins ("I can't fly"), the spoons ("Scoop, scoop, scoop"), the dogs ("Woof, woof, woof"), the mommies (you think you've heard this one, but Caroline learned a different version from Mommy - must ask Mommy to hear that one), the cats, the sheep ("Don't take my wool"), the cows ("moo, moo, moo"), the Carolines ("this is not a crisis..."), the Ronnies (our dog, "I Hate thunder"), the Batmans (he says "I am fat" because he is), Stegosaurus', Bill the Dinosaurs (a T-Rex I think), Fred the Dinosaurs (like Bill, only yellow), Triceratops' ("Get out of my way"), Racoons ("I can fight", because I only know what I learned from Old Yeller), etc.

ANYWAY, tonight, while she was in the bathtub she asked for several new verses based upon letters she was picking up (she has these little letters that stick to the walls of the tub). Letters she knows: 't', 'g', 'q', 'x', 'm', 'w'... She mistook 'o' for 'g' and the number '1' for the number '2'. It was amazing. Not because she is advanced (like every kid, I'm sure she is in some ways and not in others), but because she has learned so much! It is just fun to watch and participate alongside! Crazy crazy crazy...

Let me know if you have any fun verse ideas...

The Record of Christians

So, I'm in Baltimore, and I just got finished speaking to an amazing group of senior high and junior high students.

Throughout the week I was loosely encouraging those who were already Christians on what I had learned about apologetics in 2008... That is a fancy way of saying I used what I know of Tim Keller's book "Reason for God" to encourage them on interacting with people who have these blocks between them and the Lord like - Suffering, the Exclusive Claims of Christianity, etc.

One of the hardest ones to deal with is the Record of Christians...

So, on the cab ride home from Dinner (which couldn't have lasted more than 10 minutes), I was interrogated by a poor 72 year old Jewish man who was beat up repeatedly in school because "Jews killed Jesus"... I think I got a semi-free pass for not being Catholic. At the end he said, "Well, someone needs to ask forgiveness for all that..." and I leaned forward and I asked his forgiveness, and he granted it - said he wasn't talking about me (to which I said I was in that tradition so I was asking anyway) - and he thanked me... And I upped my tip...

Then he came back to give me money back because he remembered that our first stop was for him to get gas...

We re-lived both the forgiveness and the tip again.

I suppose Tim Keller is right. I suppose I was right to encourage the kids to simply apologize and offer forgiveness when and where we can... Being right doesn't make me any less sad that this poor man had to fight many days of his elementary school and junior high years. I wonder if I could have talked to him about Jesus if he hadn't been beat up so much when he was young.

mickey

So, we went to Serendipity tonight because we knew Silly Jilly would be there. Silly Jilly makes balloon animals. Two weeks ago she made Caroline a giraffe (George). George looked very strange when parts of him began to pop.

So, we walk over (after pizza, not the healthiest evening...) and Caroline is VERY excited at this point. Silly Jilly offers to make another giraffe, a monkey, a lady bug (I saw one of these, it was pretty amazing - she is much better than Cowboy Gil), and since she didn't offer to make any of the little Einstein's (maybe you have seen their show at 7:00 AM CDT???) we decided on Mickey (he comes on at 7:30).

The entire time Silly Jilly was making Mickey Caroline was screaming, "WOW WOW WOW, LOOK AT THAT!!! LOOK AT THAT!!! WOW WOW, LOOK AT THAT MICKEY!!!" And hopping up and down. It was like an ad for balloon-animal-vendors... And we thought we should share.

Sorry for the low-resolution picture, I only had my phone

1:12

I want to go to bed.

I will soon.

Have some finals this week, but I'm blogging at 1:12 because I hate sin. Usually I am careful on my blog to not talk too Christian-ey... But, I hate sin. I want my friends and family to stop drowning in it.

Sorry that I always use that word, but that is what it looks like to me from here.

Caroline reminds me of so much of what is good in the world, and yet I know that (while I "have what it takes") I cannot protect her from the world, her own flesh, and the one who prowls about seeking to devour her...

Lord, I believe... help my unbelief.

The hard way out

So, I posted that picture because it is awesome.

I thought about writing about stories and how I rented the third Season of Arrested Development ("STEVE HOLT!!!"). It was good and funny - I laughed out loud on my own - but I was sad to not have rented a story. I even bought popcorn. I cannot remember the last time I bought popcorn for a couch-movie.

Earlier in the week I rented and watched 1408. Rachel began watching, then we all decided she shouldn't watch it. I don't recommend it. It is neither scary enough nor good enough. The evil isn't tangible enough and the character development is too tangible. However, I will give it to Stephen King he understands the point of suffering to some degree.

Cusack sees several ghosts in the movie, and was sort of disappointed in them (except for the startling aspect) until I realized I was supposed to be. No apparition or physical sensation or even the anticipation of such is as powerful as your own past and your own story. Now, this - in and of itself - does not equal what I would call a robust definition of suffering! Rather it is merely a description.

But, at the end it is clear that Cusack is better for having gone through it. His marriage is better, his work is leagues and light years better, his marriage is better... Some of it was new suffering, some was facing old suffering - most was dealing with himself...

So, why do we elevate our experience? Is this what we do now that Sartre and Kirkegaard have really influenced everybody (they were existentialists... don't ask me much more than that)? We think we're not supposed to suffer... I suppose much of the culture tells us we are not supposed to... When looking for reasons and especially what to do we simply go to ourselves (In Cusack's case he was still writing, but writing cheap silly Haunted House tour Guide Books and surfing while his wife didn't even know where he was. I have sympathy for where his character was, but that isn't the right response.) So, what is the right response? I don't know. I have a lot of trouble looking people who have suffered in the eye and telling them they have elevated their experience over what they know to be true about life, suffering, and community.

Isn't community funny too? We love it, we hate it, we need it so desperately, it creates as much hardship as anything... We run from it, we cannot run from it?

Juno

So, Rachel and I saw Juno tonight. I enjoy movies. This was one of the few that I saw without refreshments - I am on a "I don't know how to really diet, but I should breathe between bites..." diet, and it includes not ordering popcorn and a large cup of corn to drink (you know that that is all that soda is right?).

I liked that it resolved a bit more than other 2008ish movies, but wasn't a feel good 80's flick (although I really like those and am pretty amazing at pointless 80's trivia). I liked the characterization and movement - didn't see Jason Bateman ending the way he ended in the movie. It made me like people more, believe in life and the movement within it, made me want to buy the soundtrack for my wife, made me want to watch more Arrested Development...

Other things I could write about... The friend who made a decision to not keep their baby - hard to think about without Juno. The pen I just successfully filled with ink that belonged to my great-grandfather. A listener of my podcast wants me to podcast about guilt. And I'm tired of Seminary, mainly because I still see drowning people everywhere as I drive to a place where my role (Calling???) is to sit and be trained (deal with my authority issues???) while many of the drowning ones ask me to speak - at events, into their lives, over coffee...

Discuss... (You may also discuss my daughter on her second birthday eating a cupcake out of a cone - GREAT IDEA, my wife is a genius)...