HA! not my blog...

that link was NOT my blog... hilarious. i don't think i have much in common with that person.

blazerfamily.blogspot.com

there you go.

happy monday everyone!

rachel

Leaves

Our family had dinner with a number of friends on Saturday Night and we all spent some time talking about what we were thankful for.

I thought my wife had the most interesting/unique thought: she is thankful for St. Louis. She had a number of reasons, and even has her own blog. Maybe that should be her next writing topic.

I went next to last. I thought of a lot of things I am not thankful for. I am not thankful for my doctor's appointment tomorrow. Maybe I should be. I am not thankful for the familiarity of the seventh floor of Barnes Jewish Hospital. I am not thankful for the fact that we currently own two houses (although we certainly put ourselves in this spot). Do I need to say I am not thankful for Cancer? Probably not...

I am thankful for my kids. On Saturday we repeatedly got dirty playing in the leaves. I am thankful that I just sit and watch my kids more than I used to. I don't think I sucked at it before, but I didn't enjoy it like I do now. They are so beautiful, so destructive, so funny, so temperamental. A good speaker I have heard a few times states that of 100 people interviewed who were over 95 they almost inevitably came to 3 conclusions about what they wished they had done differently: risked more, reflected more, and done more for their legacy. This year has been about growing in the second one... which probably affects the 3rd one. And, the first one if you're operating with a good set of definitions.

I am also thankful for my wife, who I learned a lot about this year. But, when I got to that point of the "I am thankful for toast" I started crying and rambling.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I will remember to tell you, the faithful readers, how it went. If you feel like praying I would appreciate it.

PS - I fixed the link...

"Let's Kill Batman and have him for dinner"

This is what Caroline said today as we returned from picking up Ron (our dog) at the groomer. It has been since the mid-Spring since he has been groomed. (the picture is the sunset on Friday Afternoon, the second one is the sunset on Saturday afternoon)

Batman is our cat.

I was unable to determine where she developed/heard the idea that we could 1. Kill things. 2. Kill our household pets. 3. Then eat them for dinner.

The point of this story: I like hanging out with my girls, they are fun and funny. The can also scream piercingly.

I promised my old friend Shelley that I would update my blog. That was yesterday. Tomorrow I have a CT Scan early in the morning, and then I will meet with Dr. Ridiculous next week. For those of you that don't know a CT Scan involves me drinking radioactive fluid, then being shot with radiation (not like the kind that reduces tumors in size). This is to determine whether or not I am sick. You're picking up the irony right?

I just looked up CT Scans on Wikipedia. It says that scans are going up in two demographics: adults and children. Who is left out exactly? Don't answer that.

In honor of my scan and the fact that I cannot eat/drink tomorrow morning (except for my iodine shake) I overate tonight. It was a lot less fun than I thought it would be. But, it was Spaghetti with grass-fed beef.

I have a beer stein that reads, "I kicked Cancer's butt". I like drinking from it because I appreciate the sentiment and I really appreciate the friend who gave it. I don't feel like I kicked cancer's butt.

When I drive back from the hospital tomorrow I will pass a billboard for another hospital that says, "Patients love us, cancer fears us." I do not like the billboard. I don't think it is true, I think it is kind of arrogant, but mostly I just don't like it. Unfortunately it is pretty bright.

I am working full time now and enjoying it. Parts of my job are still vague. My hair is strangely interested in laying down for the first time in my life, and it is a bit darker. Who knows if it will stay this way, but I don't ever spend time messing with it.

What did I learn from cancer? I don't know. I still don't know. I still don't like thinking about it. I still wonder how much Caroline remembers; she has a pretty good memory. What I tell people is, "What I thought about sickness and suffering before getting sick served me very well..." I still believe that. It has not really been added to. It doesn't seem like the Bible is interested in distinguishing between sickness/suffering; they aren't interchangeable but that just aren't talked about the way we talk about them today. Generally, they are assumed.

That's all I've got for the personal blog... Go read Rachel's, she is a better writer, quite profound, and puts up the greatest pictures of our kids ever...

Thanks for your friendships, thoughts, prayers, etc.

It is the little things

Many people have enjoyed telling me that my hair might grow back differently. I am not sure why this puts me off, but it kind of does. Rachel is surprised that it does.

You didn't really think I didn't know about the hair right? Was this 'the thing' you knew about Chemotherapy? Not a big deal either way. Seriously. My hair is back: same color, very thick, but finer. Which means, as Fabbio would say, Ba ba ba ba ba ba baaaaaaa: it lays down. My hair usually won't lay down until it is several inches long. It it nice that it lays down, I like it better than I did.

As I think about 2009 and this season of sickness, 2 surgeries, and cancer I don't know that I have big answers when people ask big questions. My typical answer is that the things I thought about sickness/suffering before this season served me well while I was sick.

However, I'm writing today to talk about some of the little things. Some are connected with the side effects of Chemotherapy, and some not. For instance, during week 3 (I think) a nurse was giving me Bleomycin (the 2nd worse drug, or 2nd best depending on how you look at it). She mentioned, without making eye contact, that I could never scuba dive again. I don't Scuba dive really. I have done something near it maybe 3 times and don't want to get certified. But, she had just passed her Chemotherapy Board Thing for Nurses and remembered that those who get B can't scuba dive (or get pure oxygen if I am hospitalized again). It bugged me. Scuba Diving is just a little thing, but who is she to take that away from me? What is this B (incidentally, "B" is the kind of Chemo Lance turned down because it effects your lungs) and when did it receive such power over my underwater endeavors?

Well, I'm working through my issues with all of these questions and wanted to share some little things about today.

I can now do push ups. Again, a little thing. I don't do a lot of push ups anyway, but since my March surgery (and then subsequent May surgery) I have been unable because of pain in my abdomen. Women who have had a c-section know what I'm talking about. I tried to do some last week and could not. Now I can.

I had a cigar today as I mowed the lawn. I did not use the little cigar holder mom got me for the lawn mower because it is not as efficient as it claims. Nevertheless I had one. Cigars seemed abhorrent when I was sick (and I wasn't allowed... the "B" again). It was a pleasant cigar, cheap.

I had two beers today. One after mowing the lawn, and one after riding our stationary bike (with Rachel makes me ride in the Storage Room because she is crazy about these flecks on our basement floor). Beer sounded awful to me when I was sick. I had one (thanks Ty), and it didn't taste good. Today, they tasted amazing. One was a Schlafly Pilsner, and one a New Belgium (courtesy of my mother in law, thanks Shirley).

I finished Donald Miller's New Book today. When I was sick I couldn't read. I don't know how to explain, and don't particularly want to but my desire to read went south. I only read when I had to for class.

I am about to go shave. When I have time (like on Saturday), shaving is a very relaxing thing for me. I wash my face, rub hot water, put on the cream, etc. When I was sick, I obviously didn't have the need to shave (if you didn't notice, I only held on to my arm and eye-brow hair). It sort of made me doubly sad. Now, my facial hair grows and I need to shave it. A strange, but welcome blessing.

As I finish shaving I will play with my girls the rest of the day. This is not little a little thing, and I did not stop playing with them when I was sick. I was unable sometimes, but that desire did not fade. Nevertheless, I am so happy to have renewed energy to be with them.

I usually don't blog/email/get on line on Saturday, as it is my Sabbath. But, I felt moved by the number of little things that have crept back into my life. I hope and pray that you have a good weekend, and a good Lord's day tomorrow. I hope there are little things that you enjoy that you have time for today.

-Matt

Why I love Office Space

I love it because Mondays are hard.

I want to get up and be spiritual, but I am thinking about my week. So, i pray some, then organize some, then start thinking through the week... And i have only just begun to drink coffee.

I got to hang out with Julia for about an hour in between Caroline getting dropped off for school and my attempts to begin my work week (I should probably focus on the fact that Sunday is supposed to be the first day...). Hanging out with Julia made it even harder because she is just easy and fun. And, when Caroline is not around she has the funniest sneaky smile on her face all the time. "I can play on Caroline's bed" (Is what I think it means), "I can play with Caroline's fairies", "I can get out as many of Caroline's stuffed animals as I want... And I don't even want more than four, but that is more than I usually get."

Anyway, it isn't the easiest of days to get my head or heart around. I couldn't even finish buying plane tickets because the swing in the prices between Monday and Wed. of Thanksgiving threw me off too much... Hilarious.

Anyway, while we all meditate on the annoying-ness of Mondays: here are some pictures of Caroline that I took while she was "flying". And, the explanation of why my basketball didn't make it to my basketball game on Sunday Afternoon.

A Better Picture of Simon

See why I wanted just Julia? Simon is good looking, but Julia is down right awesome.

This picture is posted in honor of Simon, who does love our girls a lot. They mostly love him :)

How do we play well? For me it simply means looking at my girls when I am with them, listening to them when they talk, and trying to not think about work, my next meeting, or what I'm going to do when they are napping. I want to be a father who plays well. So, in the Spirit of that I let Caroline play in this fountain for 30 minutes yesterday as we were leaving the zoo. I had to take her down after she wouldn't stop splashing Tyler. I'm pretty sure Tyler would not have been allowed on the fountain, except that his dad didn't know how to equitably say "no" when a 3 year old girl was on top of this fountain. I don't know if you can tell, but it is about four feet high.

The result: Caroline became very wet. The reason that is okay: she might have already been wet.

My brother said keep a running list of questions, Anna said post pictures, Simon whined that he got cut out (or, I made Julia the center of the picture...). I suppose I am trying to keep everyone happy. I do like blogging. If you follow me on Twitter/FB you would also see that I am finally happy with the thickness of my hair...

Enough. As my favorite professor used to say, "Have a good weekend, and a good Lord's Day." Even if you don't think he was LORD, it is still cool that for absolutely no astronomical reason we observe a 7 day week. Must be some other compelling reason. At any rate, have a good weekend.

Steak N Shake Date

So, I liked Steak N Shake a lot in college and I don't know why.

But, I took my daughters the other day and they loved it as far as I could tell.

I like the idea of my blog, but don't know how to proceed. First it was a random thoughts blog. Then, it was co-authored by my wife as we sought to inform people about my sickness (which is over by the way).

What do we do now?

Thoughts???

Discuss...

Skull

Rachel spent Saturday painting the house. This meant two things: One, I was with the girls all day (awesome) and two we needed to not be in the house in case there was a showing (sometimes awesome). So, we went to the zoo. There were highlights: we waited five minutes on the Black Rhino and he then came out. There were lowlights: we missed the Cheetah running by 13 seconds (twice).

But, in the insectarium was the story I have been asked to share. I always try to get to the back quickly, because if I want to look at bugs I can go to my windows or basement. But, at the back there is a butterfly house that is cold and full of butterflies - a winning combination to be sure.

As the three of us are walking Caroline tells me she wants Ariel. Ariel is a small doll of the princess, Ariel the ex-mermaid. I knew we had brought her in from the stroller, but we re-traced our steps back, watching the ground the entire way and Caroline becoming more and more panicky. As it turns out she was not panicking because I couldn't find Ariel, but because she knew where Ariel was, but had forgotten to help me begin the search there. Ariel had been jammed into a Cow's Skull in the insectarium. The skull houses a long centipede. I was not excited about this endeavor. There is glass between the bug and the eye, or in this case there was a bed of glass for our wayward princess. My hand was not fitting down either eye socket as Caroline became more and more frantic. I tried to use my keys. For what, I cannot exactly say but they appeared like a loose collection of tools in an otherwise hopeless situation, so I tried them. Nothing. Tried my pen. With my pen I could actually push Ariel. So, I stabbed her a few times out of spite.

This was when a nice young lady rescued us with her small hands. She pulled Ariel out and Caroline did her the amazing dignity of looking into her eyes to say thank you.

Then we hung out with the butterflies and went home. I also scared Julia to death trying to keep her awake in the car. It is so sad when you scare them so much they obviously forget to cry. And, this picture is of Caroline with the Black Mamba. Why does she love the Black Mamba? Is it because we let her watch Kill Bill so many times?

Quick Update and a GREAT picture

I am feeling great. Sometime in November I will get a CAT scan, but I had one before Chemo and it didn't find anything. So... Please know/remember that I am cured. The best and latest study on the kind of cancer I HAD would give me a 1/200 chance of a recurrence, and then they would kill that.

I started work full time at the church last week, so that has been a transition for the family. Caroline is in Pre-School 3 days a week, half days. Julia is awesome, and this is her favorite pass-time when Caroline is at school: interacting with things Caroline would never let her interact with!

We are still trying to sell our current house and finish working on our new house. We got such a good price it will only not make sense if it takes us a year to sell our current house. NEVERTHELESS, we would love for it to sell soon! When the new place is ready we will probably price-to-sell.

I don't know when Rachel and I will feel like we can close the book/chapter/season of sickness. My hair is growing, but it is very thin. People still ask all the time how we are doing with plenty of cancer-emotion in their voice. We made all of the rounds to see family. Now we want to stop traveling forever... :)

I think the blog is about to become 'just a blog again'. I don't foresee Rachel writing on it soon, but maybe she plans to and I just don't know about it. She does have a compelling message about, 'if recovery equals being back to normal we will never "recover"...' Which I thought was accurate in more ways than one. She didn't mean we aren't healed, just that we will always live with this season/story.

Thoughts???

Discuss...

Catharsis

Rachel went to work on the new house today and I decided to take the girls to the park.

Caroline and I reason together a lot (it helps 27% of the time), and I asked her, "Which park do you want to go to?" And, she said, "The bug park". For those of you who don't know, that is Larsen Park. There is a section that has bugs on the ground, and it is a good park because Julia can crawl some before she starts eating dirt and sticks.

I packed pretzels, 2 packs of peanut butter crackers, one sippy-cup of Grape Juice and a jug of back up, craisins (Cranberries... shrunk. I think), 2 board books, 2 regular books, 2 princesses, one australian shepherd, and one mickey toy. Did I mention I was going to try to run for the first time? Well, I did. First run since May. 2 steps our of our drive way I was already breathing as though I had been running (fast) for 20 minutes. This means that I was taking one breath for every two steps. Right, left - breathe in - right left - breathe out. Sounds sort of like Mr. Miyagi (and I have been likened to Ralph Macchio, especially when I was thinner). The breathing worried me that I wouldn't make it off of our street.

I made several time and distance commitments as I pushed our double stroller through the first block. By Belleview it had been 25 minutes and I walked the rest of the way. Success.

It was cathartic.

A few weeks ago I re-read "We Don't Live Here Anymore" by my favorite author Andre Dubus. In the last section/novella "Finding a Girl in America" the protagonist, Hank Allison, is running with his friend Jack after he has been deeply hurt deeply by a woman. At the end of their run he yells, "I can't get catharsis!!!" (Jack and Hank are both English professors, so they can yell 'catharsis' out loud I guess). He then tells Jack about the event, and then there is a bit of sorely needed redemption in Hank's story.

Every time frame I can think of - today, this week, this month, this year, this season, my time in St. Louis - needs some cleansing. Today I went running and it felt good. It was cathartic towards all of those time frames, in the small but effective way that exercise is. I wanted to share with you that it felt good. Cleansing.

My grandma recently asked me to not forget that I have a blog. Mom doesn't looks at the dates and was all confused about an earlier post (she thought it was about her... silly mom). Some hair has started growing back. Not much, but some. My appetite went to a normal place about four days ago (I can be full now). We have seen 2 of the 3 groups of family we are planning to see, and the next one begins next Monday. I killed my phone again today so if you need to get in touch email or call the home phone.

some pictures...

Caroline has been dancing & singing "Once Upon A Dream" from Sleeping Beauty. Apparently, Princess Aurora lives in my house & I didn't know it! And she's naked.

Matt & Julia at the Zoo (Herpetarium- our girls like the reptile house ALOT).

Julia seems to be enjoying it more than Daddy.

Caroline & Julia are starting to be able to play together... it's pretty fun!

Yes, Caroline wears clothes sometimes- I promise.

I just like this picture of Julia.

Happy first day of August, everyone!

-rachel

Parade of kids

It is 8:38 as I write this blog. I am drinking my second cup of coffee, my girls are watching "Sleeping Beauty" and eating cereal with me (and eating gummy vitamins and drinking juice).

If my head wasn't cold I think I would feel the same as I did in the Spring.

There are still random side effects. If my stomach has nothing in it I feel slightly sick. However, 'slightly sick' is nothing compared to... Well, you know. The ringing in my ears has gone down a lot. I think my energy is increasing. I can't drink carbonated drinks quickly, but they are tasting better.

Last week we saw some of Rachel's family, and this week and in two weeks we are seeing my family. It is hilarious, because the visits are seemingly about me - but they are really just family coming together and always end up being a lot about our kids. I kind of expect the time to be about me, but I don't think I really want it to be. If I am honest I feel disappointed, then relieved. I think this week will be like that. I love my family and it will be fun, but most of my energy will be put towards my girls and that is like the side effects going away - the world is returning to 'normal'. In this case 'normal' means "without cancer".

I owe a lot of people phone calls. I think Tom tops the list. I have to finish a class during this family time. But, I finished a longer systematic theology class during Chemo - surely that was harder!

Anyway, I just wanted to throw an update out there. Many have mentioned wanting to hear from Rachel. I'm sure she will post again when she has the energy! We're beginning to think about what we learned, but in a lot of ways we're holding off those thoughts until 2010 (or later). If we ever land on anything we will let you know. For now we are glad that the 'treatments' are over.

I was looking for a new picture of Julia scratching the crap out of my hairless head, but it doesn't appear to be on the computer yet. She is very randomly violent... Maybe I will can find it later and post it. She looks happy and I look like there are ten wasps on my head.

Bathtime

Today Rachel (Matt writing) went to visit some friends in the hospital and bring them dinner. It is actually their son who is sick, and if you have the time they could use your prayers also.

Anyway, so I bathed Julia first because Caroline asked me to Caroline does not like baths as much as she has in the past even though we have taken to calling them "Fairy Princess Bubble Baths". So, Julia was clean, lotioned, pajamed, and playing while Caroline was playing (she actually wanted to play... which is slightly less amazing than the fact that she did not cry when I shampooed and Conditionered her hair).

Julia and I played in her room for awhile and then went to big sister's room where there are more toys. Of course Julia doesn't know what to do with many of them so she was simply handing them to me. As I sat on the floor I realized I was stretching my head to hear Caroline make noises (it is easy to hear her in Julia's room, but much harder in her room). To make matters worse she was actually dunking a bottle and letting bubbles out of it. So, I would stretch my head and hear just bubbles... Nerve wracking!

I finally said, "Caroline, I need you to say 'I'm okay Daddy'." She had been listening well all day and she sort of whispered, "I'm okay Daddy..." but I heard her. Its amazing to know that she hasn't ever really had an accident in the tub, she is a very careful kid, etc. Her whispering that just made me sigh deeply in relief. And, I decided since I was the parent and didn't need an anxiety attack - Julia and I could play in Julia's room where I would worry less. Chances are lower that she would indulge me a second time with the "I'm okay Daddy".

It occurred to me that many of you who read this might need to hear me say that I am okay. I am. My appetite is fantastic (well, it is selective but interested in a lot of whatever it wants... lately pizza). Today I was helping a friend move and had a cup of coffee. It was maybe my third cup since beginning Chemo, and my first that I drank all of. I also didn't eat much breakfast and it didn't kill me (the appetite works in multiple ways usually... I HAD been feeling queasy anytime my stomach was empty. See previous Facebook update of the four plates of nachos that came after dinner). I have started reading again (Dubus). I finished my have-to-go-on-campus-class. I'm even planning on doing some work on our fence tomorrow after church. I talked to a friend today and she was just so relieved to hear that I was doing well. I hope you are too. Thank you for your time, your prayers, your thoughts, those who brought us a blueberry pie, those who have planned parties for us, those who want to plan parties, those who facebook, those who call... I could go on and on. Thank you. This isn't my last blog or anything, but I just feel a lot better and wanted you to know.

Ah-Da (Julia, "All done")

Today was my last day of Chemotherapy. The doctor is very confident that this is it. Rachel is even more confident. Last week some people were asking me how they can help her, and I just kept thinking, 'She just needs Chemo to be over... Can you make it next Tuesday?' Well, Tuesday is here, I had treatment this morning at 10:00, and we're all downhill.

I played basketball last night and it continues to be a nice gift. Although my friend Matt got slapped in the face and headbutted... But, we won and I played effectively (didn't have to foul anybody to get out of the game like 2 weeks ago).

My girls are so fun to hang out with. We went to the park this evening and they are a lot of fun. Ron even got to Whomp a lab that came running to him (Ron broke out of his leash... you should see him after he gets to whomp a dog, he is so happy...).

Julia is starting to "express" herself a bit more. Which means she scratches and claws when not being heard. Caroline is listening better (and worse), and becoming far more interesting.

I should say something REALLY inspiring, but we are just so glad to be done. I wonder if we have been inspiring to any of the nurses or doctors. I kind of doubt it. Apparently my chemo is pretty rigorous and they usually just felt sorry for me.

I will continue to do school this summer. My next CAT scan is in November or December (remember I had one after surgery and they couldn't see the cancer then). My next meeting with the doc will be at the end of August. My overall recovery should take about a month - including hair.

Thank you for your prayers, notes, meals, thoughts, etc.

Tired

I just got a nice email from an old friend and I just found myself (this is actually Matt writing) telling him I was tired.  I could tell you about side - effects.  We could speak of the cumulative effects that make this week harder than it might be on paper (a "non-intense week" is how we have been referring to it when I only get treatment on Tuesdays for an hour).  The reality is that we are tired.

It doesn't help that we are trying to sell our house.  But, sometimes it makes our days simpler - when we have a showing we have a couple of things we do.  

I am still in wonder of the fact that Rachel deals with my side - effects as though she had them.  I mean, she doesn't feel sick but she is so emotionally affected.  I told her today that it would be simpler if she didn't love me.  I haven't read (except for school - which I am passing...  and only passing) in a month.  I don't enjoy TV.  Rachel mowed the lawn today.  

We can do this.  One more Tuesday and then about a month of recovery.  But we are tired.  We think some about how we would respond to friends in the future after having gone through this season.  you can ask us about that some other time, we have some tentative conclusions.  Which is slightly ironic because intentionality seems to be a common thread with those who love us well.  

Thank you again for your help, for meals, for phone calls and facebooks.  Thank you more for your prayers.  We are tired but we are okay.  

aorist

Did you know I HAD cancer?

Even as we slough through the last two weeks of treatment I hope it encourages you.

I had a friend correct another friend a few days ago. They cannot find my cancer. But, because it is a germ cell they want to be as certain as possible.

I will try to be very careful with my verb tenses. I had cancer. I am still going through Chemo, but as far as my oncologist can tell I don't have cancer.

Be encouraged.

2 more...

2 more short treatments & then done.  or, "aw dun" as julia says as she sweeps her food to the floor.  the next 2 tuesdays are still unpleasant in different, somewhat more manageable ways- bleomycin doesn't have the same effects as the cisplatin or etoposide.  matt feels pretty awful right now... will start to feel somewhat better tomorrow afternoon (no one will put more poison in him tomorrow, which will help tremendously).  hopefully he will be able to eat more by sunday, although he has done a great job of trying to eat here & there & keep drinking fluids.  smart man- and very strong.  you know how you feel when you have the flu?  doesn't scratch the surface of what he's been dealing with each day (and night), and he's still pushing through.  i'm amazed.

i'm also amazed by the fact that i'm still learning things about him.  we've been married almost 6 years;  shouldn't we be experts on each other by now?  well, apparently not.  i had no idea that he is an almost hopeless optimist.  i think it is serving him well in some ways- hoping for the best possible outcome from each surgery & treatment is surely more healthy than assuming the worst.  it can also be more painful to get bad news when you've been solely focused on the good... but i think it works for him.  i'm not wired that way- i kind of ride the fence between optimism and pessimism.  not expecting things to be the worst they can be, but certainly not holding onto the most positive outlook.  matt is good for me in this way.

i went running tonight for the first time since his diagnosis (real running- no stroller, just me & ron).  it felt really good- very normal, very familiar.  i listened to music i haven't heard in months, sprinted up a few hills, smelled some fantastic flowers in the humid night air. i also sweated A LOT.  the air temperature has dropped, but the pavement did not get the message- waves of sticky, steamy air pouring out of the street.  it was pretty awesome.  do you associate smells with certain times in your life?  sticky-summer-night-running smells remind me of high school track.   it's a good memory.

someone asked me yesterday where i am with God in all of this.  i thought it was a strange question because i don't think i change "where i am with God" depending on my circumstances.  but i understand what she was asking.  i am not angry & bitter with Him;  neither am i feeling utterly safe & close with Him.  i am not having incredible hours of intimacy with Him each morning;  neither am i giving Him the silent treatment.  i could be seeking Him more & asking for growth & wisdom.  but i am still listening, and i don't feel alone or abandoned or empty.   that's saying alot about our Lord, i think.  and it is enough.

Thoughts

i have been thinking about writing some things for a while now... not anything profound, really. as we continue living & moving through this strange messy time, i am looking ahead to 1 year, 5 years and 10 years from now. how will i be different because of what we are experiencing now? how will i respond in 6 months when someone i love is going through a similar process? what would i do differently if i could have known the whole story from start to finish?

i don't know.

i know a few things:

1. i married an incredible man. he is just really brave & honest about his cancer and what it is like to go through chemotherapy. he continues to love me well and encourage me as his wife and as a parent. he seeks time with each of our daughters to play and read and snuggle. i think caroline may remember this time when daddy had no hair and went to the doctor a lot, but it will not be an oppressive or troubling memory for her. and he looks hotter bald than most men look with hair! HA!

2. Matt has amazing friends (so do i, but i don't have cancer). i'm seriously impressed with the maturity, sensitivity, intentionality, and loyalty of the men (and women) who love him. thank you.

3. i don't know how to let people help us- and i mean that in the literal sense- there really is so little i can let people do! my girls are getting the maximum amount of babysitting they can take without feeling abandoned by me, so i can't really accept any of the 100's of generous offers for child care. i still have time and desire to cook and clean my house (no choice there- we are selling our home and have showings almost daily), so i don't really need meals or help with housework. and matt can't really eat much, so it might just be overkill to have them anyway. there are times when i have asked for help with things not relating directly to me, matt or my kids and i have not received the help i sought. so i don't really know what to think. i do ask when i need it and sometimes it's easier to do it myself.

i guess what i'm afraid of is that i'm not letting our friends love us, but i don't know what i should be doing differently.

4. i'm completely okay with saying "i am fine" when asked "how are you?" there is, of course, more to how i'm doing, but i really am okay. not to play Pollyanna, but i can see the bright side of what we're dealing with here. matt feels worse than i ever could have imagined, but it's the treatment that is making him sick, not the cancer. the treatment will be over soon, the cancer will be gone (according to all reputable sources), and not every cancer patient has this kind of experience. many people are receiving treatment in hope of shrinking their cancer and prolonging their life: we have never heard those words in regard to matt's disease. i don't have to sit by my husband and watch him be miserable and know that he may not get better- that would be excruciating and i would not be able to handle it. but he is being healed- i can handle that.

i'm not sure i have said everything i wanted to say. i'm pretty sure i'm not being an inspiration or gaining any incredible wisdom to share with all of you from this experience. i hear that a lot- "go read _____'s blog- she's such an inspiration!" i don't know that i'm interested in that. i do care about communicating with those that love us, so that's what this is....

thanks for loving us- we love you, too.

-rachel

Batman: Object of Wrath

This morning I came into the kitchen and Batman had turned over the trash can. He used to do this a lot, until we got an un-tip-overable trash can... well, we have moved that to the basement, and I cooked us some trout last night (with a brown sugar glaze... it was good Rachel made bread and pasta to go with it). So, he was looking for the remnants of the trout.

I hit him. In the shoulder. Because he was nudging me, asking for food as I was picking up the 40 pieces of tin foil he had shredded looking for some trout.

It is the second time I have hit the cat.

Rachel is so gracious. She is glad I don't hit people. Really, she is just willing to separate Batman and I for awhile if need be... I think I could grow up and not hit this strange little animal who happens to live in our house (cats aren't pets, they are just animals we like). But this morning, first day of intense Chemotherapy, I probably don't have time to make the fried egg sandwich I have been dreaming about... and there is this cat. So I hit him.

Oh well. I will let him sit on me later (he seems to still want to cuddle anyway later).

Today is going fine. I can feel the Chemo coming in (saline flush begins in 30 minutes). This will be a difficult week, and then it will be over. Rachel was encouraging me not to make big resolutions (forcing myself to eat, etc.) and I think she is wise. So, we're just going to get through the week.

If you're bored at work I preached yesterday. www.riversidestl.org I think I said what I was trying to say. And, Chemo makes others things less stressful so I wasn't going crazy trying to make it perfect. I couldn't fit cancer into the "Blessed are the meek" part of the sermon, but I thought it fit easily into the, "for they shall inherit the Earth" part.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts and phone calls. This week will be hard. We will call if we need things. If you see an animal tied to a stake in front of our house with a "free" sign, call Rachel and asked if she authorized it. If you need direction for prayer... please pray that the hours would go quickly.