HA! not my blog...

that link was NOT my blog... hilarious. i don't think i have much in common with that person.

blazerfamily.blogspot.com

there you go.

happy monday everyone!

rachel

Leaves

Our family had dinner with a number of friends on Saturday Night and we all spent some time talking about what we were thankful for.

I thought my wife had the most interesting/unique thought: she is thankful for St. Louis. She had a number of reasons, and even has her own blog. Maybe that should be her next writing topic.

I went next to last. I thought of a lot of things I am not thankful for. I am not thankful for my doctor's appointment tomorrow. Maybe I should be. I am not thankful for the familiarity of the seventh floor of Barnes Jewish Hospital. I am not thankful for the fact that we currently own two houses (although we certainly put ourselves in this spot). Do I need to say I am not thankful for Cancer? Probably not...

I am thankful for my kids. On Saturday we repeatedly got dirty playing in the leaves. I am thankful that I just sit and watch my kids more than I used to. I don't think I sucked at it before, but I didn't enjoy it like I do now. They are so beautiful, so destructive, so funny, so temperamental. A good speaker I have heard a few times states that of 100 people interviewed who were over 95 they almost inevitably came to 3 conclusions about what they wished they had done differently: risked more, reflected more, and done more for their legacy. This year has been about growing in the second one... which probably affects the 3rd one. And, the first one if you're operating with a good set of definitions.

I am also thankful for my wife, who I learned a lot about this year. But, when I got to that point of the "I am thankful for toast" I started crying and rambling.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I will remember to tell you, the faithful readers, how it went. If you feel like praying I would appreciate it.

PS - I fixed the link...

"Let's Kill Batman and have him for dinner"

This is what Caroline said today as we returned from picking up Ron (our dog) at the groomer. It has been since the mid-Spring since he has been groomed. (the picture is the sunset on Friday Afternoon, the second one is the sunset on Saturday afternoon)

Batman is our cat.

I was unable to determine where she developed/heard the idea that we could 1. Kill things. 2. Kill our household pets. 3. Then eat them for dinner.

The point of this story: I like hanging out with my girls, they are fun and funny. The can also scream piercingly.

I promised my old friend Shelley that I would update my blog. That was yesterday. Tomorrow I have a CT Scan early in the morning, and then I will meet with Dr. Ridiculous next week. For those of you that don't know a CT Scan involves me drinking radioactive fluid, then being shot with radiation (not like the kind that reduces tumors in size). This is to determine whether or not I am sick. You're picking up the irony right?

I just looked up CT Scans on Wikipedia. It says that scans are going up in two demographics: adults and children. Who is left out exactly? Don't answer that.

In honor of my scan and the fact that I cannot eat/drink tomorrow morning (except for my iodine shake) I overate tonight. It was a lot less fun than I thought it would be. But, it was Spaghetti with grass-fed beef.

I have a beer stein that reads, "I kicked Cancer's butt". I like drinking from it because I appreciate the sentiment and I really appreciate the friend who gave it. I don't feel like I kicked cancer's butt.

When I drive back from the hospital tomorrow I will pass a billboard for another hospital that says, "Patients love us, cancer fears us." I do not like the billboard. I don't think it is true, I think it is kind of arrogant, but mostly I just don't like it. Unfortunately it is pretty bright.

I am working full time now and enjoying it. Parts of my job are still vague. My hair is strangely interested in laying down for the first time in my life, and it is a bit darker. Who knows if it will stay this way, but I don't ever spend time messing with it.

What did I learn from cancer? I don't know. I still don't know. I still don't like thinking about it. I still wonder how much Caroline remembers; she has a pretty good memory. What I tell people is, "What I thought about sickness and suffering before getting sick served me very well..." I still believe that. It has not really been added to. It doesn't seem like the Bible is interested in distinguishing between sickness/suffering; they aren't interchangeable but that just aren't talked about the way we talk about them today. Generally, they are assumed.

That's all I've got for the personal blog... Go read Rachel's, she is a better writer, quite profound, and puts up the greatest pictures of our kids ever...

Thanks for your friendships, thoughts, prayers, etc.

It is the little things

Many people have enjoyed telling me that my hair might grow back differently. I am not sure why this puts me off, but it kind of does. Rachel is surprised that it does.

You didn't really think I didn't know about the hair right? Was this 'the thing' you knew about Chemotherapy? Not a big deal either way. Seriously. My hair is back: same color, very thick, but finer. Which means, as Fabbio would say, Ba ba ba ba ba ba baaaaaaa: it lays down. My hair usually won't lay down until it is several inches long. It it nice that it lays down, I like it better than I did.

As I think about 2009 and this season of sickness, 2 surgeries, and cancer I don't know that I have big answers when people ask big questions. My typical answer is that the things I thought about sickness/suffering before this season served me well while I was sick.

However, I'm writing today to talk about some of the little things. Some are connected with the side effects of Chemotherapy, and some not. For instance, during week 3 (I think) a nurse was giving me Bleomycin (the 2nd worse drug, or 2nd best depending on how you look at it). She mentioned, without making eye contact, that I could never scuba dive again. I don't Scuba dive really. I have done something near it maybe 3 times and don't want to get certified. But, she had just passed her Chemotherapy Board Thing for Nurses and remembered that those who get B can't scuba dive (or get pure oxygen if I am hospitalized again). It bugged me. Scuba Diving is just a little thing, but who is she to take that away from me? What is this B (incidentally, "B" is the kind of Chemo Lance turned down because it effects your lungs) and when did it receive such power over my underwater endeavors?

Well, I'm working through my issues with all of these questions and wanted to share some little things about today.

I can now do push ups. Again, a little thing. I don't do a lot of push ups anyway, but since my March surgery (and then subsequent May surgery) I have been unable because of pain in my abdomen. Women who have had a c-section know what I'm talking about. I tried to do some last week and could not. Now I can.

I had a cigar today as I mowed the lawn. I did not use the little cigar holder mom got me for the lawn mower because it is not as efficient as it claims. Nevertheless I had one. Cigars seemed abhorrent when I was sick (and I wasn't allowed... the "B" again). It was a pleasant cigar, cheap.

I had two beers today. One after mowing the lawn, and one after riding our stationary bike (with Rachel makes me ride in the Storage Room because she is crazy about these flecks on our basement floor). Beer sounded awful to me when I was sick. I had one (thanks Ty), and it didn't taste good. Today, they tasted amazing. One was a Schlafly Pilsner, and one a New Belgium (courtesy of my mother in law, thanks Shirley).

I finished Donald Miller's New Book today. When I was sick I couldn't read. I don't know how to explain, and don't particularly want to but my desire to read went south. I only read when I had to for class.

I am about to go shave. When I have time (like on Saturday), shaving is a very relaxing thing for me. I wash my face, rub hot water, put on the cream, etc. When I was sick, I obviously didn't have the need to shave (if you didn't notice, I only held on to my arm and eye-brow hair). It sort of made me doubly sad. Now, my facial hair grows and I need to shave it. A strange, but welcome blessing.

As I finish shaving I will play with my girls the rest of the day. This is not little a little thing, and I did not stop playing with them when I was sick. I was unable sometimes, but that desire did not fade. Nevertheless, I am so happy to have renewed energy to be with them.

I usually don't blog/email/get on line on Saturday, as it is my Sabbath. But, I felt moved by the number of little things that have crept back into my life. I hope and pray that you have a good weekend, and a good Lord's day tomorrow. I hope there are little things that you enjoy that you have time for today.

-Matt

Why I love Office Space

I love it because Mondays are hard.

I want to get up and be spiritual, but I am thinking about my week. So, i pray some, then organize some, then start thinking through the week... And i have only just begun to drink coffee.

I got to hang out with Julia for about an hour in between Caroline getting dropped off for school and my attempts to begin my work week (I should probably focus on the fact that Sunday is supposed to be the first day...). Hanging out with Julia made it even harder because she is just easy and fun. And, when Caroline is not around she has the funniest sneaky smile on her face all the time. "I can play on Caroline's bed" (Is what I think it means), "I can play with Caroline's fairies", "I can get out as many of Caroline's stuffed animals as I want... And I don't even want more than four, but that is more than I usually get."

Anyway, it isn't the easiest of days to get my head or heart around. I couldn't even finish buying plane tickets because the swing in the prices between Monday and Wed. of Thanksgiving threw me off too much... Hilarious.

Anyway, while we all meditate on the annoying-ness of Mondays: here are some pictures of Caroline that I took while she was "flying". And, the explanation of why my basketball didn't make it to my basketball game on Sunday Afternoon.

A Better Picture of Simon

See why I wanted just Julia? Simon is good looking, but Julia is down right awesome.

This picture is posted in honor of Simon, who does love our girls a lot. They mostly love him :)

How do we play well? For me it simply means looking at my girls when I am with them, listening to them when they talk, and trying to not think about work, my next meeting, or what I'm going to do when they are napping. I want to be a father who plays well. So, in the Spirit of that I let Caroline play in this fountain for 30 minutes yesterday as we were leaving the zoo. I had to take her down after she wouldn't stop splashing Tyler. I'm pretty sure Tyler would not have been allowed on the fountain, except that his dad didn't know how to equitably say "no" when a 3 year old girl was on top of this fountain. I don't know if you can tell, but it is about four feet high.

The result: Caroline became very wet. The reason that is okay: she might have already been wet.

My brother said keep a running list of questions, Anna said post pictures, Simon whined that he got cut out (or, I made Julia the center of the picture...). I suppose I am trying to keep everyone happy. I do like blogging. If you follow me on Twitter/FB you would also see that I am finally happy with the thickness of my hair...

Enough. As my favorite professor used to say, "Have a good weekend, and a good Lord's Day." Even if you don't think he was LORD, it is still cool that for absolutely no astronomical reason we observe a 7 day week. Must be some other compelling reason. At any rate, have a good weekend.

Steak N Shake Date

So, I liked Steak N Shake a lot in college and I don't know why.

But, I took my daughters the other day and they loved it as far as I could tell.

I like the idea of my blog, but don't know how to proceed. First it was a random thoughts blog. Then, it was co-authored by my wife as we sought to inform people about my sickness (which is over by the way).

What do we do now?

Thoughts???

Discuss...