I didn't realize I was weird about hair

So, I have to run an Art Gallery in four minutes, but I have been meaning to blog.

I will list for brevity and clarity.

1. My facial hair is thinning. Meaning: there are spots on my chin and mustache that just don't have hair anymore... it grew back, then it decided it wasn't worth the effort apparently.

2. My hair came back flat, thin, and a bit wavy, maybe even a little darker. I Got used to it, loved not having to do anything to it, found it weird that it didn't stick up for the first time in 32 years (except for my long hair phase... )

3. Then, I got it cut a few days back and it seems to be back to sticking up again... maybe with a bit less flair (I don't like to talk about my flair), but it seems to be sticking up again.

4. Hair I could have lost well: ears, nose, chest.

Off to the Gallery, join us for a fun, affordable, and lively show.

HA! not my blog...

that link was NOT my blog... hilarious. i don't think i have much in common with that person.

blazerfamily.blogspot.com

there you go.

happy monday everyone!

rachel

Leaves

Our family had dinner with a number of friends on Saturday Night and we all spent some time talking about what we were thankful for.

I thought my wife had the most interesting/unique thought: she is thankful for St. Louis. She had a number of reasons, and even has her own blog. Maybe that should be her next writing topic.

I went next to last. I thought of a lot of things I am not thankful for. I am not thankful for my doctor's appointment tomorrow. Maybe I should be. I am not thankful for the familiarity of the seventh floor of Barnes Jewish Hospital. I am not thankful for the fact that we currently own two houses (although we certainly put ourselves in this spot). Do I need to say I am not thankful for Cancer? Probably not...

I am thankful for my kids. On Saturday we repeatedly got dirty playing in the leaves. I am thankful that I just sit and watch my kids more than I used to. I don't think I sucked at it before, but I didn't enjoy it like I do now. They are so beautiful, so destructive, so funny, so temperamental. A good speaker I have heard a few times states that of 100 people interviewed who were over 95 they almost inevitably came to 3 conclusions about what they wished they had done differently: risked more, reflected more, and done more for their legacy. This year has been about growing in the second one... which probably affects the 3rd one. And, the first one if you're operating with a good set of definitions.

I am also thankful for my wife, who I learned a lot about this year. But, when I got to that point of the "I am thankful for toast" I started crying and rambling.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I will remember to tell you, the faithful readers, how it went. If you feel like praying I would appreciate it.

PS - I fixed the link...

"Let's Kill Batman and have him for dinner"

This is what Caroline said today as we returned from picking up Ron (our dog) at the groomer. It has been since the mid-Spring since he has been groomed. (the picture is the sunset on Friday Afternoon, the second one is the sunset on Saturday afternoon)

Batman is our cat.

I was unable to determine where she developed/heard the idea that we could 1. Kill things. 2. Kill our household pets. 3. Then eat them for dinner.

The point of this story: I like hanging out with my girls, they are fun and funny. The can also scream piercingly.

I promised my old friend Shelley that I would update my blog. That was yesterday. Tomorrow I have a CT Scan early in the morning, and then I will meet with Dr. Ridiculous next week. For those of you that don't know a CT Scan involves me drinking radioactive fluid, then being shot with radiation (not like the kind that reduces tumors in size). This is to determine whether or not I am sick. You're picking up the irony right?

I just looked up CT Scans on Wikipedia. It says that scans are going up in two demographics: adults and children. Who is left out exactly? Don't answer that.

In honor of my scan and the fact that I cannot eat/drink tomorrow morning (except for my iodine shake) I overate tonight. It was a lot less fun than I thought it would be. But, it was Spaghetti with grass-fed beef.

I have a beer stein that reads, "I kicked Cancer's butt". I like drinking from it because I appreciate the sentiment and I really appreciate the friend who gave it. I don't feel like I kicked cancer's butt.

When I drive back from the hospital tomorrow I will pass a billboard for another hospital that says, "Patients love us, cancer fears us." I do not like the billboard. I don't think it is true, I think it is kind of arrogant, but mostly I just don't like it. Unfortunately it is pretty bright.

I am working full time now and enjoying it. Parts of my job are still vague. My hair is strangely interested in laying down for the first time in my life, and it is a bit darker. Who knows if it will stay this way, but I don't ever spend time messing with it.

What did I learn from cancer? I don't know. I still don't know. I still don't like thinking about it. I still wonder how much Caroline remembers; she has a pretty good memory. What I tell people is, "What I thought about sickness and suffering before getting sick served me very well..." I still believe that. It has not really been added to. It doesn't seem like the Bible is interested in distinguishing between sickness/suffering; they aren't interchangeable but that just aren't talked about the way we talk about them today. Generally, they are assumed.

That's all I've got for the personal blog... Go read Rachel's, she is a better writer, quite profound, and puts up the greatest pictures of our kids ever...

Thanks for your friendships, thoughts, prayers, etc.

It is the little things

Many people have enjoyed telling me that my hair might grow back differently. I am not sure why this puts me off, but it kind of does. Rachel is surprised that it does.

You didn't really think I didn't know about the hair right? Was this 'the thing' you knew about Chemotherapy? Not a big deal either way. Seriously. My hair is back: same color, very thick, but finer. Which means, as Fabbio would say, Ba ba ba ba ba ba baaaaaaa: it lays down. My hair usually won't lay down until it is several inches long. It it nice that it lays down, I like it better than I did.

As I think about 2009 and this season of sickness, 2 surgeries, and cancer I don't know that I have big answers when people ask big questions. My typical answer is that the things I thought about sickness/suffering before this season served me well while I was sick.

However, I'm writing today to talk about some of the little things. Some are connected with the side effects of Chemotherapy, and some not. For instance, during week 3 (I think) a nurse was giving me Bleomycin (the 2nd worse drug, or 2nd best depending on how you look at it). She mentioned, without making eye contact, that I could never scuba dive again. I don't Scuba dive really. I have done something near it maybe 3 times and don't want to get certified. But, she had just passed her Chemotherapy Board Thing for Nurses and remembered that those who get B can't scuba dive (or get pure oxygen if I am hospitalized again). It bugged me. Scuba Diving is just a little thing, but who is she to take that away from me? What is this B (incidentally, "B" is the kind of Chemo Lance turned down because it effects your lungs) and when did it receive such power over my underwater endeavors?

Well, I'm working through my issues with all of these questions and wanted to share some little things about today.

I can now do push ups. Again, a little thing. I don't do a lot of push ups anyway, but since my March surgery (and then subsequent May surgery) I have been unable because of pain in my abdomen. Women who have had a c-section know what I'm talking about. I tried to do some last week and could not. Now I can.

I had a cigar today as I mowed the lawn. I did not use the little cigar holder mom got me for the lawn mower because it is not as efficient as it claims. Nevertheless I had one. Cigars seemed abhorrent when I was sick (and I wasn't allowed... the "B" again). It was a pleasant cigar, cheap.

I had two beers today. One after mowing the lawn, and one after riding our stationary bike (with Rachel makes me ride in the Storage Room because she is crazy about these flecks on our basement floor). Beer sounded awful to me when I was sick. I had one (thanks Ty), and it didn't taste good. Today, they tasted amazing. One was a Schlafly Pilsner, and one a New Belgium (courtesy of my mother in law, thanks Shirley).

I finished Donald Miller's New Book today. When I was sick I couldn't read. I don't know how to explain, and don't particularly want to but my desire to read went south. I only read when I had to for class.

I am about to go shave. When I have time (like on Saturday), shaving is a very relaxing thing for me. I wash my face, rub hot water, put on the cream, etc. When I was sick, I obviously didn't have the need to shave (if you didn't notice, I only held on to my arm and eye-brow hair). It sort of made me doubly sad. Now, my facial hair grows and I need to shave it. A strange, but welcome blessing.

As I finish shaving I will play with my girls the rest of the day. This is not little a little thing, and I did not stop playing with them when I was sick. I was unable sometimes, but that desire did not fade. Nevertheless, I am so happy to have renewed energy to be with them.

I usually don't blog/email/get on line on Saturday, as it is my Sabbath. But, I felt moved by the number of little things that have crept back into my life. I hope and pray that you have a good weekend, and a good Lord's day tomorrow. I hope there are little things that you enjoy that you have time for today.

-Matt

Why I love Office Space

I love it because Mondays are hard.

I want to get up and be spiritual, but I am thinking about my week. So, i pray some, then organize some, then start thinking through the week... And i have only just begun to drink coffee.

I got to hang out with Julia for about an hour in between Caroline getting dropped off for school and my attempts to begin my work week (I should probably focus on the fact that Sunday is supposed to be the first day...). Hanging out with Julia made it even harder because she is just easy and fun. And, when Caroline is not around she has the funniest sneaky smile on her face all the time. "I can play on Caroline's bed" (Is what I think it means), "I can play with Caroline's fairies", "I can get out as many of Caroline's stuffed animals as I want... And I don't even want more than four, but that is more than I usually get."

Anyway, it isn't the easiest of days to get my head or heart around. I couldn't even finish buying plane tickets because the swing in the prices between Monday and Wed. of Thanksgiving threw me off too much... Hilarious.

Anyway, while we all meditate on the annoying-ness of Mondays: here are some pictures of Caroline that I took while she was "flying". And, the explanation of why my basketball didn't make it to my basketball game on Sunday Afternoon.

A Better Picture of Simon

See why I wanted just Julia? Simon is good looking, but Julia is down right awesome.

This picture is posted in honor of Simon, who does love our girls a lot. They mostly love him :)

How do we play well? For me it simply means looking at my girls when I am with them, listening to them when they talk, and trying to not think about work, my next meeting, or what I'm going to do when they are napping. I want to be a father who plays well. So, in the Spirit of that I let Caroline play in this fountain for 30 minutes yesterday as we were leaving the zoo. I had to take her down after she wouldn't stop splashing Tyler. I'm pretty sure Tyler would not have been allowed on the fountain, except that his dad didn't know how to equitably say "no" when a 3 year old girl was on top of this fountain. I don't know if you can tell, but it is about four feet high.

The result: Caroline became very wet. The reason that is okay: she might have already been wet.

My brother said keep a running list of questions, Anna said post pictures, Simon whined that he got cut out (or, I made Julia the center of the picture...). I suppose I am trying to keep everyone happy. I do like blogging. If you follow me on Twitter/FB you would also see that I am finally happy with the thickness of my hair...

Enough. As my favorite professor used to say, "Have a good weekend, and a good Lord's Day." Even if you don't think he was LORD, it is still cool that for absolutely no astronomical reason we observe a 7 day week. Must be some other compelling reason. At any rate, have a good weekend.

Steak N Shake Date

So, I liked Steak N Shake a lot in college and I don't know why.

But, I took my daughters the other day and they loved it as far as I could tell.

I like the idea of my blog, but don't know how to proceed. First it was a random thoughts blog. Then, it was co-authored by my wife as we sought to inform people about my sickness (which is over by the way).

What do we do now?

Thoughts???

Discuss...

Skull

Rachel spent Saturday painting the house. This meant two things: One, I was with the girls all day (awesome) and two we needed to not be in the house in case there was a showing (sometimes awesome). So, we went to the zoo. There were highlights: we waited five minutes on the Black Rhino and he then came out. There were lowlights: we missed the Cheetah running by 13 seconds (twice).

But, in the insectarium was the story I have been asked to share. I always try to get to the back quickly, because if I want to look at bugs I can go to my windows or basement. But, at the back there is a butterfly house that is cold and full of butterflies - a winning combination to be sure.

As the three of us are walking Caroline tells me she wants Ariel. Ariel is a small doll of the princess, Ariel the ex-mermaid. I knew we had brought her in from the stroller, but we re-traced our steps back, watching the ground the entire way and Caroline becoming more and more panicky. As it turns out she was not panicking because I couldn't find Ariel, but because she knew where Ariel was, but had forgotten to help me begin the search there. Ariel had been jammed into a Cow's Skull in the insectarium. The skull houses a long centipede. I was not excited about this endeavor. There is glass between the bug and the eye, or in this case there was a bed of glass for our wayward princess. My hand was not fitting down either eye socket as Caroline became more and more frantic. I tried to use my keys. For what, I cannot exactly say but they appeared like a loose collection of tools in an otherwise hopeless situation, so I tried them. Nothing. Tried my pen. With my pen I could actually push Ariel. So, I stabbed her a few times out of spite.

This was when a nice young lady rescued us with her small hands. She pulled Ariel out and Caroline did her the amazing dignity of looking into her eyes to say thank you.

Then we hung out with the butterflies and went home. I also scared Julia to death trying to keep her awake in the car. It is so sad when you scare them so much they obviously forget to cry. And, this picture is of Caroline with the Black Mamba. Why does she love the Black Mamba? Is it because we let her watch Kill Bill so many times?

Quick Update and a GREAT picture

I am feeling great. Sometime in November I will get a CAT scan, but I had one before Chemo and it didn't find anything. So... Please know/remember that I am cured. The best and latest study on the kind of cancer I HAD would give me a 1/200 chance of a recurrence, and then they would kill that.

I started work full time at the church last week, so that has been a transition for the family. Caroline is in Pre-School 3 days a week, half days. Julia is awesome, and this is her favorite pass-time when Caroline is at school: interacting with things Caroline would never let her interact with!

We are still trying to sell our current house and finish working on our new house. We got such a good price it will only not make sense if it takes us a year to sell our current house. NEVERTHELESS, we would love for it to sell soon! When the new place is ready we will probably price-to-sell.

I don't know when Rachel and I will feel like we can close the book/chapter/season of sickness. My hair is growing, but it is very thin. People still ask all the time how we are doing with plenty of cancer-emotion in their voice. We made all of the rounds to see family. Now we want to stop traveling forever... :)

I think the blog is about to become 'just a blog again'. I don't foresee Rachel writing on it soon, but maybe she plans to and I just don't know about it. She does have a compelling message about, 'if recovery equals being back to normal we will never "recover"...' Which I thought was accurate in more ways than one. She didn't mean we aren't healed, just that we will always live with this season/story.

Thoughts???

Discuss...

Catharsis

Rachel went to work on the new house today and I decided to take the girls to the park.

Caroline and I reason together a lot (it helps 27% of the time), and I asked her, "Which park do you want to go to?" And, she said, "The bug park". For those of you who don't know, that is Larsen Park. There is a section that has bugs on the ground, and it is a good park because Julia can crawl some before she starts eating dirt and sticks.

I packed pretzels, 2 packs of peanut butter crackers, one sippy-cup of Grape Juice and a jug of back up, craisins (Cranberries... shrunk. I think), 2 board books, 2 regular books, 2 princesses, one australian shepherd, and one mickey toy. Did I mention I was going to try to run for the first time? Well, I did. First run since May. 2 steps our of our drive way I was already breathing as though I had been running (fast) for 20 minutes. This means that I was taking one breath for every two steps. Right, left - breathe in - right left - breathe out. Sounds sort of like Mr. Miyagi (and I have been likened to Ralph Macchio, especially when I was thinner). The breathing worried me that I wouldn't make it off of our street.

I made several time and distance commitments as I pushed our double stroller through the first block. By Belleview it had been 25 minutes and I walked the rest of the way. Success.

It was cathartic.

A few weeks ago I re-read "We Don't Live Here Anymore" by my favorite author Andre Dubus. In the last section/novella "Finding a Girl in America" the protagonist, Hank Allison, is running with his friend Jack after he has been deeply hurt deeply by a woman. At the end of their run he yells, "I can't get catharsis!!!" (Jack and Hank are both English professors, so they can yell 'catharsis' out loud I guess). He then tells Jack about the event, and then there is a bit of sorely needed redemption in Hank's story.

Every time frame I can think of - today, this week, this month, this year, this season, my time in St. Louis - needs some cleansing. Today I went running and it felt good. It was cathartic towards all of those time frames, in the small but effective way that exercise is. I wanted to share with you that it felt good. Cleansing.

My grandma recently asked me to not forget that I have a blog. Mom doesn't looks at the dates and was all confused about an earlier post (she thought it was about her... silly mom). Some hair has started growing back. Not much, but some. My appetite went to a normal place about four days ago (I can be full now). We have seen 2 of the 3 groups of family we are planning to see, and the next one begins next Monday. I killed my phone again today so if you need to get in touch email or call the home phone.

some pictures...

Caroline has been dancing & singing "Once Upon A Dream" from Sleeping Beauty. Apparently, Princess Aurora lives in my house & I didn't know it! And she's naked.

Matt & Julia at the Zoo (Herpetarium- our girls like the reptile house ALOT).

Julia seems to be enjoying it more than Daddy.

Caroline & Julia are starting to be able to play together... it's pretty fun!

Yes, Caroline wears clothes sometimes- I promise.

I just like this picture of Julia.

Happy first day of August, everyone!

-rachel

Parade of kids

It is 8:38 as I write this blog. I am drinking my second cup of coffee, my girls are watching "Sleeping Beauty" and eating cereal with me (and eating gummy vitamins and drinking juice).

If my head wasn't cold I think I would feel the same as I did in the Spring.

There are still random side effects. If my stomach has nothing in it I feel slightly sick. However, 'slightly sick' is nothing compared to... Well, you know. The ringing in my ears has gone down a lot. I think my energy is increasing. I can't drink carbonated drinks quickly, but they are tasting better.

Last week we saw some of Rachel's family, and this week and in two weeks we are seeing my family. It is hilarious, because the visits are seemingly about me - but they are really just family coming together and always end up being a lot about our kids. I kind of expect the time to be about me, but I don't think I really want it to be. If I am honest I feel disappointed, then relieved. I think this week will be like that. I love my family and it will be fun, but most of my energy will be put towards my girls and that is like the side effects going away - the world is returning to 'normal'. In this case 'normal' means "without cancer".

I owe a lot of people phone calls. I think Tom tops the list. I have to finish a class during this family time. But, I finished a longer systematic theology class during Chemo - surely that was harder!

Anyway, I just wanted to throw an update out there. Many have mentioned wanting to hear from Rachel. I'm sure she will post again when she has the energy! We're beginning to think about what we learned, but in a lot of ways we're holding off those thoughts until 2010 (or later). If we ever land on anything we will let you know. For now we are glad that the 'treatments' are over.

I was looking for a new picture of Julia scratching the crap out of my hairless head, but it doesn't appear to be on the computer yet. She is very randomly violent... Maybe I will can find it later and post it. She looks happy and I look like there are ten wasps on my head.

Bathtime

Today Rachel (Matt writing) went to visit some friends in the hospital and bring them dinner. It is actually their son who is sick, and if you have the time they could use your prayers also.

Anyway, so I bathed Julia first because Caroline asked me to Caroline does not like baths as much as she has in the past even though we have taken to calling them "Fairy Princess Bubble Baths". So, Julia was clean, lotioned, pajamed, and playing while Caroline was playing (she actually wanted to play... which is slightly less amazing than the fact that she did not cry when I shampooed and Conditionered her hair).

Julia and I played in her room for awhile and then went to big sister's room where there are more toys. Of course Julia doesn't know what to do with many of them so she was simply handing them to me. As I sat on the floor I realized I was stretching my head to hear Caroline make noises (it is easy to hear her in Julia's room, but much harder in her room). To make matters worse she was actually dunking a bottle and letting bubbles out of it. So, I would stretch my head and hear just bubbles... Nerve wracking!

I finally said, "Caroline, I need you to say 'I'm okay Daddy'." She had been listening well all day and she sort of whispered, "I'm okay Daddy..." but I heard her. Its amazing to know that she hasn't ever really had an accident in the tub, she is a very careful kid, etc. Her whispering that just made me sigh deeply in relief. And, I decided since I was the parent and didn't need an anxiety attack - Julia and I could play in Julia's room where I would worry less. Chances are lower that she would indulge me a second time with the "I'm okay Daddy".

It occurred to me that many of you who read this might need to hear me say that I am okay. I am. My appetite is fantastic (well, it is selective but interested in a lot of whatever it wants... lately pizza). Today I was helping a friend move and had a cup of coffee. It was maybe my third cup since beginning Chemo, and my first that I drank all of. I also didn't eat much breakfast and it didn't kill me (the appetite works in multiple ways usually... I HAD been feeling queasy anytime my stomach was empty. See previous Facebook update of the four plates of nachos that came after dinner). I have started reading again (Dubus). I finished my have-to-go-on-campus-class. I'm even planning on doing some work on our fence tomorrow after church. I talked to a friend today and she was just so relieved to hear that I was doing well. I hope you are too. Thank you for your time, your prayers, your thoughts, those who brought us a blueberry pie, those who have planned parties for us, those who want to plan parties, those who facebook, those who call... I could go on and on. Thank you. This isn't my last blog or anything, but I just feel a lot better and wanted you to know.

Ah-Da (Julia, "All done")

Today was my last day of Chemotherapy. The doctor is very confident that this is it. Rachel is even more confident. Last week some people were asking me how they can help her, and I just kept thinking, 'She just needs Chemo to be over... Can you make it next Tuesday?' Well, Tuesday is here, I had treatment this morning at 10:00, and we're all downhill.

I played basketball last night and it continues to be a nice gift. Although my friend Matt got slapped in the face and headbutted... But, we won and I played effectively (didn't have to foul anybody to get out of the game like 2 weeks ago).

My girls are so fun to hang out with. We went to the park this evening and they are a lot of fun. Ron even got to Whomp a lab that came running to him (Ron broke out of his leash... you should see him after he gets to whomp a dog, he is so happy...).

Julia is starting to "express" herself a bit more. Which means she scratches and claws when not being heard. Caroline is listening better (and worse), and becoming far more interesting.

I should say something REALLY inspiring, but we are just so glad to be done. I wonder if we have been inspiring to any of the nurses or doctors. I kind of doubt it. Apparently my chemo is pretty rigorous and they usually just felt sorry for me.

I will continue to do school this summer. My next CAT scan is in November or December (remember I had one after surgery and they couldn't see the cancer then). My next meeting with the doc will be at the end of August. My overall recovery should take about a month - including hair.

Thank you for your prayers, notes, meals, thoughts, etc.

Tired

I just got a nice email from an old friend and I just found myself (this is actually Matt writing) telling him I was tired.  I could tell you about side - effects.  We could speak of the cumulative effects that make this week harder than it might be on paper (a "non-intense week" is how we have been referring to it when I only get treatment on Tuesdays for an hour).  The reality is that we are tired.

It doesn't help that we are trying to sell our house.  But, sometimes it makes our days simpler - when we have a showing we have a couple of things we do.  

I am still in wonder of the fact that Rachel deals with my side - effects as though she had them.  I mean, she doesn't feel sick but she is so emotionally affected.  I told her today that it would be simpler if she didn't love me.  I haven't read (except for school - which I am passing...  and only passing) in a month.  I don't enjoy TV.  Rachel mowed the lawn today.  

We can do this.  One more Tuesday and then about a month of recovery.  But we are tired.  We think some about how we would respond to friends in the future after having gone through this season.  you can ask us about that some other time, we have some tentative conclusions.  Which is slightly ironic because intentionality seems to be a common thread with those who love us well.  

Thank you again for your help, for meals, for phone calls and facebooks.  Thank you more for your prayers.  We are tired but we are okay.  

aorist

Did you know I HAD cancer?

Even as we slough through the last two weeks of treatment I hope it encourages you.

I had a friend correct another friend a few days ago. They cannot find my cancer. But, because it is a germ cell they want to be as certain as possible.

I will try to be very careful with my verb tenses. I had cancer. I am still going through Chemo, but as far as my oncologist can tell I don't have cancer.

Be encouraged.

2 more...

2 more short treatments & then done.  or, "aw dun" as julia says as she sweeps her food to the floor.  the next 2 tuesdays are still unpleasant in different, somewhat more manageable ways- bleomycin doesn't have the same effects as the cisplatin or etoposide.  matt feels pretty awful right now... will start to feel somewhat better tomorrow afternoon (no one will put more poison in him tomorrow, which will help tremendously).  hopefully he will be able to eat more by sunday, although he has done a great job of trying to eat here & there & keep drinking fluids.  smart man- and very strong.  you know how you feel when you have the flu?  doesn't scratch the surface of what he's been dealing with each day (and night), and he's still pushing through.  i'm amazed.

i'm also amazed by the fact that i'm still learning things about him.  we've been married almost 6 years;  shouldn't we be experts on each other by now?  well, apparently not.  i had no idea that he is an almost hopeless optimist.  i think it is serving him well in some ways- hoping for the best possible outcome from each surgery & treatment is surely more healthy than assuming the worst.  it can also be more painful to get bad news when you've been solely focused on the good... but i think it works for him.  i'm not wired that way- i kind of ride the fence between optimism and pessimism.  not expecting things to be the worst they can be, but certainly not holding onto the most positive outlook.  matt is good for me in this way.

i went running tonight for the first time since his diagnosis (real running- no stroller, just me & ron).  it felt really good- very normal, very familiar.  i listened to music i haven't heard in months, sprinted up a few hills, smelled some fantastic flowers in the humid night air. i also sweated A LOT.  the air temperature has dropped, but the pavement did not get the message- waves of sticky, steamy air pouring out of the street.  it was pretty awesome.  do you associate smells with certain times in your life?  sticky-summer-night-running smells remind me of high school track.   it's a good memory.

someone asked me yesterday where i am with God in all of this.  i thought it was a strange question because i don't think i change "where i am with God" depending on my circumstances.  but i understand what she was asking.  i am not angry & bitter with Him;  neither am i feeling utterly safe & close with Him.  i am not having incredible hours of intimacy with Him each morning;  neither am i giving Him the silent treatment.  i could be seeking Him more & asking for growth & wisdom.  but i am still listening, and i don't feel alone or abandoned or empty.   that's saying alot about our Lord, i think.  and it is enough.

Thoughts

i have been thinking about writing some things for a while now... not anything profound, really. as we continue living & moving through this strange messy time, i am looking ahead to 1 year, 5 years and 10 years from now. how will i be different because of what we are experiencing now? how will i respond in 6 months when someone i love is going through a similar process? what would i do differently if i could have known the whole story from start to finish?

i don't know.

i know a few things:

1. i married an incredible man. he is just really brave & honest about his cancer and what it is like to go through chemotherapy. he continues to love me well and encourage me as his wife and as a parent. he seeks time with each of our daughters to play and read and snuggle. i think caroline may remember this time when daddy had no hair and went to the doctor a lot, but it will not be an oppressive or troubling memory for her. and he looks hotter bald than most men look with hair! HA!

2. Matt has amazing friends (so do i, but i don't have cancer). i'm seriously impressed with the maturity, sensitivity, intentionality, and loyalty of the men (and women) who love him. thank you.

3. i don't know how to let people help us- and i mean that in the literal sense- there really is so little i can let people do! my girls are getting the maximum amount of babysitting they can take without feeling abandoned by me, so i can't really accept any of the 100's of generous offers for child care. i still have time and desire to cook and clean my house (no choice there- we are selling our home and have showings almost daily), so i don't really need meals or help with housework. and matt can't really eat much, so it might just be overkill to have them anyway. there are times when i have asked for help with things not relating directly to me, matt or my kids and i have not received the help i sought. so i don't really know what to think. i do ask when i need it and sometimes it's easier to do it myself.

i guess what i'm afraid of is that i'm not letting our friends love us, but i don't know what i should be doing differently.

4. i'm completely okay with saying "i am fine" when asked "how are you?" there is, of course, more to how i'm doing, but i really am okay. not to play Pollyanna, but i can see the bright side of what we're dealing with here. matt feels worse than i ever could have imagined, but it's the treatment that is making him sick, not the cancer. the treatment will be over soon, the cancer will be gone (according to all reputable sources), and not every cancer patient has this kind of experience. many people are receiving treatment in hope of shrinking their cancer and prolonging their life: we have never heard those words in regard to matt's disease. i don't have to sit by my husband and watch him be miserable and know that he may not get better- that would be excruciating and i would not be able to handle it. but he is being healed- i can handle that.

i'm not sure i have said everything i wanted to say. i'm pretty sure i'm not being an inspiration or gaining any incredible wisdom to share with all of you from this experience. i hear that a lot- "go read _____'s blog- she's such an inspiration!" i don't know that i'm interested in that. i do care about communicating with those that love us, so that's what this is....

thanks for loving us- we love you, too.

-rachel

Batman: Object of Wrath

This morning I came into the kitchen and Batman had turned over the trash can. He used to do this a lot, until we got an un-tip-overable trash can... well, we have moved that to the basement, and I cooked us some trout last night (with a brown sugar glaze... it was good Rachel made bread and pasta to go with it). So, he was looking for the remnants of the trout.

I hit him. In the shoulder. Because he was nudging me, asking for food as I was picking up the 40 pieces of tin foil he had shredded looking for some trout.

It is the second time I have hit the cat.

Rachel is so gracious. She is glad I don't hit people. Really, she is just willing to separate Batman and I for awhile if need be... I think I could grow up and not hit this strange little animal who happens to live in our house (cats aren't pets, they are just animals we like). But this morning, first day of intense Chemotherapy, I probably don't have time to make the fried egg sandwich I have been dreaming about... and there is this cat. So I hit him.

Oh well. I will let him sit on me later (he seems to still want to cuddle anyway later).

Today is going fine. I can feel the Chemo coming in (saline flush begins in 30 minutes). This will be a difficult week, and then it will be over. Rachel was encouraging me not to make big resolutions (forcing myself to eat, etc.) and I think she is wise. So, we're just going to get through the week.

If you're bored at work I preached yesterday. www.riversidestl.org I think I said what I was trying to say. And, Chemo makes others things less stressful so I wasn't going crazy trying to make it perfect. I couldn't fit cancer into the "Blessed are the meek" part of the sermon, but I thought it fit easily into the, "for they shall inherit the Earth" part.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts and phone calls. This week will be hard. We will call if we need things. If you see an animal tied to a stake in front of our house with a "free" sign, call Rachel and asked if she authorized it. If you need direction for prayer... please pray that the hours would go quickly.

Hotter than Bruce

just thought there needed to be a picture of matt... he looks pretty good, but i may be biased.   

i have some thoughts brewing.  i may write another post later...

Bruce

One of my friends shaved his head. Partly for solidarity, and partly because his head looks good that way. He said we could call him Bruce. Is it true that a producer just saw him in a bar and hired him for Moonlighting?

I will ask Cha Cha.

So, my hair is falling out. Its weird. But, it is part of the process. Chemo kills all cells which make new cells quickly. Mom will give you every adverb and adjective you want to hear about how the Chemo is getting EVERY cell.

Today at 4:00 I am 50% finished with Chemo. This is a non-intense week, week 3 total, treatment number 7, and 'B' treatment 3. Next week is the last intense week (of 2) of Chemo. It seems less scary, just necessary and there.

Simpler prayers make more sense to me. I pray the LORD's prayer more than I used to. I am thankful to the answers I received before this. I lean on them, and do not feel like revisiting them now. Maybe in 2010. I have a book on suffering on my shelf. It is still interesting to me as an idea, but I am not picking it up right now.

Church is a funny place for me. I struggle to walk people through my own weakness. When they do a double take and ask, with great feeling, "How are you doing?" I struggle to know how to respond. I don't think it is bad that they ask, I don't think it is bad that I have found out I am incapable of saying "Fine." It is just hard.

Of course last Sunday I couldn't go because my face was covered with Poison Ivy. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I NEEDED, we didn't have anything else going on so how about some poison ivy... It seems funny to me now (since it is mainly not itching anymore; thanks Prednizone).

Anyway, that's my update for today. Have a good Tuesday.

Cumulative

So, let's clear some things up about the librarian. Did she charge me: no. Was she helpful: yes. But, did she think (I suppose based upon the twinkle in my eye) that I had a good excuse for not returning the book: no. That's it.

So, I haven't been blogging because I don't feel good. And, because I have started taking my summer class. It is all I can do to sit there. I don't even multi-task (huge for me), I just listen, take some notes, leave periodically, come back, and then go home and nap.

I thought the "B" wouldn't be a big deal because it just takes 10 minutes to give it to me, because the side effects seems like they are either crazy or not a big deal (so I was gambling on "not a big deal"). The "B" still sucks. You don't want details!

I do have a small appetite. My sleep has been improving a little. I have given up all the details of the things I do for the church - and my teams have been great about it, especially the Art Team. There are a lot of details to making an Art Gallery happen and my team is amazing. Now, I just hope people show up and buy art. I have given the point person the freedom to use the "Chemo Card" to keep artists in line. I believe she has pulled it out once with great effect.

Some stats:

Weeks finished: 2

Weeks remaining: 4

Treatments finished: 6

Treatments remaining: 8

My Fairy Name according to Caroline: Silver Mist (lately Terrence, but usually Silver Mist, the most effeminate Fairy). Julia is usually Vidia (the evil one), and Rachel is usually Raini but Rachel gets to be most of the Fairies. Caroline is usually Tinkerbell.

My shooting percentage on Monday Night (Basketball... wasn't sure I should play, but they say exercise helps): 100%, 2-2, one 3, one lay up. We won. 2-0 with Cancer-Blazer. 0-3 without him.

GPA Last Semester: 3.32

GPA every other Semester put together: 3.31

Professors Suspected of giving "Cancer A's": 2 (one highly)

Number of people at the Seminary who would bend over backwards to make my life easier: every staff person I come into contact with. Literally, every one.

That's all i got. Thanks for reading. If you're praying thanks even more for praying. If you're forgiving me for not calling you back - thanks for that too.

Yours,

Matt

Librarians

So, I was asking a librarian about an overdue book.  And, I swore to her I had a series of really good excuses for not returning this book.

She did not believe me (that the excuses were good)

So, next time should I say, "I have had one surgery and 2 weeks of Chemo since then and the book dropped on my priority list.  Thank you for your help."       ???

Thoughts?

Discuss...

4:00 AM

So, this is actually Matt writing (don't get too excited those fans-of-Rachel-writing).

I woke up at 3:00 because Adavan is a decent nausea drug, that has this perk of causing drowsiness.  However, when it is done you wake up (if you are me).

So, I'm going to blog quickly then go back to bed (where it is at least warm - ask our Mother's in Law about how cold it is at our house). 

Everyone should be encouraged that I ate two real meals today.  One was somewhat ill-advised (Eggs Benedict at Firstwatch - trying to stick it to the man), but was okay.  The other was an easy-on-the-family night at Olive Garden.  I ate slowly, salad tasted like cardboard, but I found myself enjoying the spaghetti.  By the end of the meal I did not feel nauseous.  That is the first time in 7 days!  After we got home I even polished off the leftovers (even after Chemo I'm trying to abide by my new book).  

School Tomorrow.  Chemo-Lite on Tuesday.  Two more weeks before the LAST round of Sucky-Chemo.  

Rachel and I also decided my birthday was okay for Chemo, over and against say Christmas or Thanksgiving (Holidays I like more...  is my birthday a holiday???)

Anyway, I hope you're encouraged, as we were.  

Mean Friday

So, I take the stairs to the 7th floor of the Siteman Cancer Center.  Because everyone says exercise helps.  And it does.  Yesterday we walked for about an hour after I got home, and I felt better (not 'good' mind you).  Some of the nurses and workers up here try to get you to be happy, and some make faces that understand, and some make faces that make me think that they think that Ron just died (Ron is my dog, and he is unhappy these days, but very alive).

At the reception desk, where I get a pager, she said, "How are you doing?"  And, I said, "You know what happens when I go back there right?"  And, she said, "But, today's Friday!"  And I said, "That I can get on board with...  Yes, I am happy it is Friday."

Today marks the end of the first intense round of Chemo.  Next week and the week after I only get one dose on Tuesdays (just two hours), and all it does is give me a fever...  Sheesh, I will take a fever!  So, apparently 24-48 hours after Chemo it will be out of my system - so that is exciting.  By this time tomorrow I will feel crappy still, but I will feel crappy at home and I can take my family (or just my dog) on a walk.  Walking sort of feels like my body is choke-slamming the nausea - it is still there, but further away.

By the way, this blog is supposed to make you smile or at least know that everything is okay.  I can do this.  The intense week is almost over, the view is nice, it took my four tries to eat my Chipotle Burrito from Wednesday but it is now gone.  

Mom and I were commiserating that we would rather be grown in character through a conference or a book, but we are okay with this too.  I think my whole family would ditto that.  It hasn't been an easy couple of years for really any side of the family - although I don't think any of them begrudge me getting cancer.  Anyway, thank you for your thoughts and prayers and concerns.  Thank you to Ty for driving me today, thank you to those who have brought me lunch, thank you to Margie and Anne who watched Julia (although that isn't hard...  she is pretty agreeable as long as you know where the yogurt is) so Rachel could come up here, thank you to those who did not bring me lunch because the thought of seeing a person or food actually made me feel worse.  Thank you to the two young men who painted my fence yesterday.  

Chemo sucks, but we need to do it (and i know that many of you are feeling it with us because of your affection for us - not just family).  Chemo sucks, but it will be over in about five weeks.  I can do anything for five weeks.  

Thursday

I'm drinking Cranberry Juice, looking our over the Central West End in St. Louis.  

I have had 3 rooms in Barnes Jewish Hospital, and the view was good in each one.

So, I keep trying to motivate myself to do school work.  Not happening.  Every once in awhile I try to come up with a witty or encouraging blog post.  Not happening.  

Many of you say I am brave.  I don't think so.  I think I'm just doing what needs to be done.  

The good news is that the next two weeks are significantly easier.  Even though I have another long day tomorrow.  Chemo sucks, I continue to appreciate your prayers and thoughts.  

Better

So, the "feel good" part seems to come in waves.

I slept all morning (after not sleeping well last night and being sick this morning), and then got a couple of visitors for lunch (you are of course only supposed to have one at a time, so Martin had to hide behind the door when nurses came in).  I didn't think I would want to see them, but it was nice and I perked up enough to eat some Jimmy John's.  

Today will be a long day as I have to monitored while receiving the Bleomycin.  

I don't know how I'm doing.  I think we're just knuckling down and getting it done.  I'm going to continue with school, we're still working and playing with our kids; except now I sometimes have to leave the park to be sick...  But, then I come back feeling better.  And, I can chase Caroline.  There were several post-surgery weeks where there was no chasing.  I think I would rather be sick once/twice a day and still be able to chase her.

There is nothing like a round of cisplatin (The "p" in BEP Chemo) to make you realize how much you like reading 3 Curious George stories to your 3 year old.  Although, I have come to really question the Man in the Yellow Hat.  Not only is he absent and irresponsible, I'm not sure his relationships with married women are appropriate.  Do you know more about his vacations with Mrs. Needleman?

Anyway, thank you again for your prayers, thoughts, messages, etc.

Last night when I couldn't sleep I came up with some really profound words about being a Christian and having cancer.  Apparently they have left me.  

Essentially I think I am more thankful for the Christian posture I am continually trying to adopt.  I do not think this posture offers me "meaning" in a grand way that other postures do not.  But, I do think that my hope in the redemption of the world is still connected with my hope for healing - now or later.  I understand that I (we) will be grown through this process, and while I (we) would rather be grown through advice, or books, we are willing to submit to our growth as participants in what Jesus is doing to redeem the world.

I wonder about my conviction towards this next time I am sick.  But, I do believe it and am comforted that my mess is okay, I am known and loved, and that - even amidst cancer - my family has a role to play in putting the world back to rites.  

Day Two

I do not feel well.

Which is why some of you are not receiving calls back or emails back.

I don't have texts anymore either.  

Yesterday was okay - some nausea, then good times with the girls and enjoyed playing basketball (we won - which always helps, I air-balled a shot and felt I had some very good excuses lined up).

Today is all three of the Chemo-Therapies.  Suck.  This is still better than cancer, but definitely not fun.  

Mystique killed: Day One

So, I am sitting in the Chemo Room.  The schedule says I have a private room the other four days of this week.  

My thought is that since so many of you check the blog, and I will be sitting here a lot - I should update the blog a lot.  

I am currently being hydrated - which takes two hours.  Getting some magnesium to go with the saline.  About 20 minutes ago they infused me with a steroid which helps nausea, helps the Chemo to work, and hopefully it will make me springey tonight at my basketball game (Doctor Joel would call it "feeling froggy").  Also got some Kytril (like Zophran), have Emend if I want it (and some compazine).  Those are all for nausea.  The nurse said it would be a good week to do some Spring Cleaning because I will likely have some trouble sleeping with the steroid...  Except for tomorrow when they will be giving me Benadryl.  

Anyway, we are here (Rachel is here).  I could also tell you about my clinical trial of other stuff (and the journal they gave me.  I'm going to draw a horse on it, with a sword, to guard my hopes and dreams...  That is a Scrubs reference), but I will cut the blog short.

In some ways we are excited that in 6 weeks we will be done with Cancer Treatment.  We are certainly still nervous about today.  The Chemo I will get, once the hydrating is over, will probably make me pretty nauseous (getting the "E" and the "P" of BEP, the "P" (Cisplatin) is the one that makes many nauseous).  I am excited that I'm not getting a port.  I'm excited to hang out with the girls today.  I am excited to try and play basketball.  Feel free to email today as I will be sitting until around 4:00 PM.

2 - sided Blog

So, first I will update everyone.

We met with the oncologist yesterday.  I also had blood work done.  I am tired of blood work for two reasons: one, they stick you with a needle (Sorry Sweeney...  )  and two, it has yet to tell us anything as far as I understand it.  

2 Rounds of Chemotherapy, beginning this Monday (June 1st).  14 Times in the hospital - two intense weeks (this coming week, and then again in four weeks), and four non-intense weeks where I only go in once/week for about two hours.  The kind of Chemo I will be receiving is BEP, just if you feel like looking it up.  I'm not sure if that makes sense (Somebody make my wife blog...).  This next week I will be up there for 8-9 hours, M-F.  The two weeks after that it is just one day/week for two hours.  Then we start over again on June 21st: intense week, followed by two non-intense weeks.

The reason we are getting Chemo is that my cancer is a germ-cell, and while they will probably be unable to locate it in my body (that scan is tomorrow...  damn Contrast tastes like REALLY crappy Sunny Delight) after the surgery, because of the amount they found in the surgery it is nationally recommended that I receive some Chemo.  If the cancer were to come back I would have to have at least 3 rounds (9 weeks, instead of 6), so, we're going to reduce to almost nothing the chance it will come back.  This is one of the types of cancer that, once you know what it is, you know how to kill it.  We tried surgery, and it "worked", but now we need to make sure it won't come back.  

I will lose my hair (apparently some people don't, but the "b" makes it very likely).  I will probably feel lethargic and relatively nauseous.  I was THRILLED that I am not only allowed, but supposed to exercise - so I'm hoping to play ball on Monday night.  I will be next to worthless from beyond the arc but am still excited.  The fellow-Doctor said not to play hockey, but b-ball is okay!

The oncologist asked me (with Rachel in the room) to not impregnate "anyone" while undergoing Chemo.  It was a mixture of funny and awkward!

Part two of Blog.  This week two friends emailed and said that email (and the blog) are unacceptable to them as friends.  The point was: we need to hear your voice and talk to you - even if it is just for five minutes.  

I know that we have shut out a number of people - family included to some degree.  I want to ask your forgiveness if we have hurt you.  Rachel and I don't claim to know how to walk through this, and we're just taking steps.  I'm not necessarily apologizing, because I know all of you want us to be healthy.  At the same time, if you're in this boat - please call.  Seriously, it was funny how much it meant to me for people to say that - even as I thought one of them was somewhat off base in their request.  It means a lot, I have been in your shoes, etc.  So, if we have hurt you and you want to talk with one of us, go ahead and give us a call or tell us in email you would really like to talk (definitely have two family members that left messages last week) and we'll make time.  

Next week will begin some new craziness, but we're excited that in 7 weeks we will (most likely, roughly 1/2 of 1% chance of recurrence, which we would then kill) be cancer free.  

As always, ask questions, comment about whatever...  

My friend Tom

Sometimes I look back on times in my life and wonder if they are more or less important that other times. I was in a fraternity in college - Sigma Phi Epsilon. One of my pledge brothers, Robert Thomas Gunning the III (I will explain later - if you want - why I know all of their middle names), just sent me two photos that he framed. I took them our freshman year of college - one of our house when it was snowing and the lights were blurry in the snow, and one of the Columns on the Univ. of Missouri's Red Campus. This is not my pic - mine is better, it is at a fun angle, next time you're at my house I'll show it to you (with the picture of a snowy 405 S. Kentucky).

All this to say it has been a nice week. Saturday was good. I feel progressively better. I am cheating more and more in the amount I pick up my beautiful daughters.

We have realized there is some mystique with Chemotherapy that will go away when we simply do it. I talked at length with an older friend who went through it a few years ago. Meetings and appointments begin on Thursday, and continue until Chemo starts on June 1st. I hope you're well and also had a good weekend and Lord's Day. Thank you for the cigars (5 and counting - thanks Zach, Walker, and Robert), the phone calls, the emails, the prayers, the prayer emails, the food (non stop for two weeks... we are still eating it), and for being in our lives before this happened - so that we could more easily rely on you while it is happening.

Thanks.

The _______________ of Strangers

So, I was in Clayton today - which is a different part of STL, but where I meet with some guys to have coffee every couple of weeks. After studying for awhile I wandered into downtown Clayton in search of lunch. I found a Gellateria (sp?), and thought, "There's a snowballs chance in %^&* and I'll take it..." Meaning: I knew I couldn't have one, but I thought I would ask. I think I blogged about the diet, if not we can discuss it later. Well the short of it is that I could have had some kind of ice with raspberry, and the long of it is that I ended up having to tell the lady I have cancer. Her Fiance is a "T. Cancer survivor". I now know 3 in STL. Statistically that means I know 22-25% of the STL Metro Population who has had/has T. Cancer. She was also very nice. I think it is easier for strangers to know what to say.

When ordering my sandwich about 4 doors down the guy basically asked why I was being so careful, so I told him. He kept calling me sir, but other than that I really appreciated his sentiments.

I really don't have too much to complain about in regards to people saying dumb stuff or weird stuff, but it struck me as funny how relatively easy it was for strangers to just say they were sorry. I'll probably figure out what I think people should REALLY say in 10 years when I'm done thinking about it, but Mom says it is, "I'm so sorry for your loss." Of course, Mom hasn't re-exegeted my scenario. The other funny thing was that the Sandwich guy remarked that I seemed in good spirits. That is my dad's bottom line; the somewhat innocuous, "But, he seemed in good spirits..." I feel like it means, coloquially, "His life sucks, but he seems okay... " Or, "Such is life, but he has moved on well..." Never mind.

This is a good week. As soon as I finish writing this I will be 80% done with this Semester and 75% done with Finals. And Rachel swore I could see Star Trek after I finish... So, I've got that going for me. Which is nice. Hope you're having a pleasant Tuesday.

Time

It is interesting what time does.

I think we all simply feel better today.

We went on a walk yesterday, something clicked internally and I could start taking deep breaths at about 8 PM last night, and this morning I woke up with my pain almost totally gone and the tightness of abdomen surgery down at least 50%. This is what we were told would happen, but it was still nice. Mom left me a nice beverage that I tried - it was delicious, thanks mom.

We won't know how much Chemo until we get the test results back (tests are in late May), but we know it is out there and the reality is just easier to take after a few days I guess.

A good friend wrote and said he hoped I was not losing hope in my faith or in my healing. I am not. We are not. I firmly believe the Bible doesn't offer me a straight-forward explanation/purpose/meaning to sickness. After that I am filled with hope for what this will accomplish in our lives as we move through it. And, I am still fully convinced that by the end of the summer I will be cancer free.

Mom and I were getting a little edgey with one another and she kept offering explanations. I then offered that we might both be put off by me having cancer. So, she said I should stop having it. And I plan to, it will just be a few weeks. In the meantime we will keep loving our girls, I will continue in Seminary (they have been great by the way... literally offering me help in any number of ways and not waiting for me to ask or remind them I am sick), etc.

Caroline has about 20 stickers stuck to her self right now (bandaids), and all of the girls are in the front yard while i "study" (or blog). Hope you also have a nice Saturday, thanks again for the support, thoughts, prayers, etc.

June Plans

So, I was talking with a friend and mom was here, and I mentioned the probability that I would have chemo... Mom corrected me, "You're having chemo."

She is right. At the point of conversation we were waiting on some information - which we now have - but she was right anyway.

I can get technical if you want (and you don't, because I always confuse folks), and I can explain the movement of the disease from the beginning (February really... although no real diagnosis until April). But, what you want to know is, "What now?" Well, because of the amount of cancer they found they want to do Chemotherapy beginning June 1st. Tests will be run between now and then, we still covet your prayers between now and then, but that is the bottom line. After June we will know how much, but the therapy will begin then.

So many of you have offered help. Please hear me that we will ask, and that we appreciate so much that you have offered. It is hard to get more babysitters for the girls because they like babysitters even less (which is amazing) these days, and in many ways we have to figure out ways for people to actually help. So, thank you. What we hear when you offer help is, "We love you and want you to know it." Well, we do! I don't think we could be much more encouraged by all of the food, notes, phone calls, etc.

In other news, Caroline has packed all of her underwear into an easter basket. Julia couldn't be more pleasant. I (Matt) kicked the pain pills today because the side effects were more annoying than the pain. I start finals tomorrow, and could use prayer that I will stop doing the math on potential flunking (0% chance in all classes) and actually study!

How are we processing all of this? I don't know that we know any better than you do how to process it. The cancer is still 99% treatable/curable/killable - and Chemotherapy was always the most reliable way you just try to do the surgery before it becomes necessary. Only God (seriously... and we have some good doctors) knows when we would have had to have had surgery to accomplish that (what a great sentence!). Thanks again for all your thoughts, you can still ask questions, we appreciate the continued prayers, and we will ask for help when we realize what we need it with!

Mad Men

So, I am home (Matt writing) and I am getting better every few hours, but am still amazed that the most uncomfortable part is probably the gas in my shoulders. As Rachel said the surgery came and went, and we got bad news again. Everyone was sad yesterday except Julia - nothing really makes her sad except being hit in the head with sticks by her sister. Rachel and I have talked about it several times already because chances were pretty high that this is what would happen (that we would do surgery and still have to have Chemo), but when you're given an inch of hope you hold it I guess.

Now, as I re-read the last paragraph I don't want to surprise anyone. The news is simply that the tumors had grown, and so the doctor cleaned out the left side lymph nodes which are close to my kidney. There is still a chance he got all of the cancer, but there are basic guidelines of how to treat cancer, and I had enough that it is unlikely that we won't have to do chemo in a few weeks. I know that I don't communicate as well as Rachel. Bottom Line: cancer was still bigger when they took it out (relative to CT scan), so I will probably have a few rounds of Chemo this summer.

I manipulated my way home before noon (they made a list of things that had to happen, and I made them happen), the girls are doing well. Caroline just came in from playing in the yard and is refusing to watch the new movies grandma brought her - she wants Cars. Julia is happy, she has added "mama" and "Yum yum" to her spoken vocabulary. I'm trying to study, and relax my lower back.

Tonight, thanks to Casey's IPOD, we will watch the second season of Mad Men (some of it anyway). Thank you again for the food, thoughts, prayers, anger on our behalf, and tears. We will keep you posted when we meet with our oncologist, it will be a few weeks before the pathology report comes back and they won't want to start the Chemo until it has been at least 3-4 weeks since surgery.

update

i spoke with dr. figenshau (surgeon) a bit ago... matt is out of surgery & his vitals are all good.  but the surgery did not give us great news.  the lymph nodes that were enlarged have increased in size somewhat significantly.  the biopsy showed active germ cells, which is the same type of cancer found in his testicle.  so all the lymph tissue in that section was removed, but he did not want to risk damage to nerves & blood vessels by moving further.  there is still a chance they removed the majority of the cancerous cells, but matt will have to have some chemo to eliminate it completely.  while we kind of expected this, we were really hoping that it wouldn't be necessary.  how much chemo, when, etc will be determined later.

i'll be going up to see him in recovery soon- and if we get more info we'll let you know.  i'm pretty sad about the outcome, but i'm really relieved that the surgery is over.  i'm sure chemo will suck big time, but my biggest fears were for the surgery.  

thanks for your prayers- please continue.

so early

4:30 a.m. is SO EARLY!  that's when i got up to nurse julia & get ready to leave for the hospital with matt.  he really wanted coffee- but no food or drink after midnight for him!  i tried to be nice & not eat or drink in front of him- see what a good wife i am? : )

check-in is long & tedious because they have to be so thorough about every little detail- repeat your name, your SSN, your doctor, your procedure, have you eaten anything, no really have you eaten anything... but eventually they got it all covered & everyone was satisfied that they were ready.  they took him back at 7:30, and i just got confirmation that they have begun the surgery at 8:15.

holy cow- that's a little unsettling.  they explained the procedure in more detail than i really wanted, so now i know what they are doing to "begin the surgery."  

crap.

to be honest, i'm pretty scared.  i'm the youngest person in this waiting area by at least 15 years if not more... i feel like we shouldn't be here.  it seems "bad" to talk about, but i've been feeling afraid that matt will die.  i suppose that's natural in any case, and we have experienced a lot of death already the last year or so.  i have every reason to trust that he will be fine (statistics, reliable doctors, hope in Christ), but some emotions just won't give in to rationality.  i'm okay- just dealing with it all.  

a good friend (who is very far away!) sent me a message and said that she is confident that God is meeting us in this... and He is. i have said before that God is not changing our circumstances, but that I trust that He is no less good and no less loving in our lives than during the happiest moments.  He is still present with me, and His presence is stronger than my fear.  i don't know how to explain it better, but if you want to understand better i will try.  maybe over a cup of coffee in a few weeks when this is over...

and the family next to me was just discussing anal probes... awesome.

thanks for your prayers- i'll update again when they give me more information at 2 hours (10:15ish).

-rachel

10:16 PM

This is one of the cigars Robert dropped off. I doubt he reads the blog. Someone tell him it was a great cigar, even with the Izze (yes, Robert with the Dread-locks). Walker also sent cigars, and Holly wrote a note since she isn't old enough to buy cigars. If i wrote all of the names of those who have called and written, emailed and facebooked... Well, I couldn't, but it would be a long list. Thank you.

Tomorrow's surgery is at about 7:30, and I just finished my 3 final projects for school. None are amazing, but they are all at least B level. Maybe C, but my grades are fine. We will be leaving our house around 5, so in addition to me you can pray for our girls and for grandma Ginny who will be unapologetically showing videos and spooning out yogurt all morning at least.

And, let's hear it for Merecats - which Caroline and Grandpa Robbie love.

Thanks again everyone.

Good Shabbos

A good friend was in town today, and we had been goofing off, had lunch with all of my girls, his fiance', etc.

Last night we went and saw Wolverine. I must be growing up since I didn't go at Midnight the night before.

Anyway, at lunch I could sense his anxiety about my cancer and I asked if we needed to talk about it. So we did. At one point he said, "So... Is everything just different now?" And, I think it is. My worldview tells me that while purpose in a pure sense may not ever be revealed, God will use this in us to grow us. I don't think the Bible says I will be a perfect anything, or even necessarily a better anything. But, I do think the bible gives me ever reason to hope that nothing is purposeless, and that I can be fully confident that my cancer will change us for the better. I know that is abstract at best, but I appreciate that it is not trite. I keep writing more and then deleting it about the purpose of this. how about I just get to you about that one!

I alternate between saying "we" and "me" because it seems like it is happening to me, but other than being anesthetized on Monday - all of this is happening to Rachel as certainly as it is happening to me. Many of you have asked if we have told Caroline. I do not think we have "told" her, but she knows that I am sick. She knows that I go see doctors a lot lately. The other day she asked Rachel and I both how our visit to the doctors went. We thought about her context, and then told her it was good, I didn't get any shots, and they did not give me a sucker.

It was hard to write that. I have the most beautiful, amazing daughters ever - I hope if you have not met them you get to.

We are hopeful - in the Lord first and foremost. Simply in Him, and His provision - whatever that may mean. We are also thoughtful and believe we are making the right decision for surgery, and chemo if necessary after a few months of surveillance. We are excited that this surgery gives us the best hope for full recovery without chemotherapy.

It takes a good bit of energy for Rachel to write, so I'm trying to remember to keep people updated. Please ask more questions and feel free to comment.

Today was a good rest day. We played a lot this morning. I made Banana Muffins and let Rachel sleep in (the least I could after she stayed up until 11:30 watching Wolverine at the Moolah). We had lunch with great and old friends, and now I am finishing my schoolwork so that I can study for finals after the surgery. Tomorrow we are excited about corporate worship with our church family. They are like the rest of our family - loving, imperfect, but would lay down in traffic for us if we asked (loose Good Will Hunting Quote).

Surgery is Monday morning for those of you thinking and praying for us; 7:30 at Barnes Jewish. it is laparscopic - so not very invasive, but it is still our second surgery in about 6 weeks. It should take about 4 hours because they do some biopsying while I am on the table. The surgery is to remove two inflamed Lymph Nodes (assumedly cancerous) in my abdomen. I will stay the night, and should be up on Tuesday andable to drive by next Monday (for Finals - which I will happily make C's on!). The Seminary was great about offering me extensions - even encouraging it. But, I would prefer to finish, knowing I have almost no chance of failing any class. We are excited to move to the next stage, to be finished with this stage, and to fill you in on the details. Thank you again for your affection, prayers, phone calls and emails. We don't get texts anymore - but thanks for them too!

Apologies

I wish we had more to say, and apologize to those of you who read so faithfully.

Rachel asked me today if we actually knew where the surgery was on Monday... I realized we don't. Its not because we don't care, its just that you become very out of energy through all of this discussion, blood tests, etc.

All that to say - for those of you who pray, we go in very early on Monday. For those of you who desire more information on the Retro-Peritoneal Lymph Node Dissection - ask Rachel to blog and she will answer all of your questions. I should be out of the hospital by Tuesday, should be on my feet Monday afternoon, and back at everything in two weeks.

If you REALLY want to do something you can buy me a cigar. Robert left two on my porch on Monday night.

Thank you - seriously - for your thoughts, letters, prayers and general affection we have felt deeply loved throughout this process!

Rachel objects to my desire for cigars. She said, "Um... You have cancer, don't tell people to buy you cigars..." My thought is that I have to give them up if I have Chemo, so in the meantime... bring em!

Stolen Blog

Now that I have titled the blog, "Stolen Blog" I want to write about why and how and when my wife is suddenly tempted to steal things. I will not for 3 reasons: 1. She has not stolen anything (yet??????!!!!!!!!!) 2. you should ask her because it is hilarious. 3. Three seems like a better number than two.

So, apparently many of you are reading the blog (I can't get my brain around what is wrong with that sentence... something).

A few days ago I wrote on our church's blog (theriversidechurchblog.blogspot.com) and I wanted to be sure I spread it everywhere since the overlap is not 100%. It is mainly a story, but has much to do with the cancer, and this season of our life. Here it is:

I was talking to my mom last week, and she told me that the woman who works for her - after finding out that I was sick - asked her, "Well, what does he think of his faith now?" (PS - if you weren't in church or don't go to church you can email me through our church website and I can explain my sickness).

This Space is in honor of her tact: __________________ .

To hear my mom tell the story it sounds like she sat the woman down and told her about Jesus. I mean, it kind of sounded like a come-to-Jesus meeting in lots of ways. So awkward! I mean, I know people that like to say provocative things and then sort of back off. But, when it is your employer (its my mom's company too... she's not just the boss), and she says, "No, you asked so I'm gonna tell you!" you have to sit there.

Mom said it was the most she had talked about Jesus in years. Seems like a good thing.

What I told Mom was that she could tell __________ that I am happy that my worldview provides good answers to the difficult questions we are faced with (both before and now). Now, that can sound silly in some ways, or like I'm dodging, but I mean it. Christianity does not offer pat or trite answers. But, it offers robust, thick answers to the questions we have. Sometimes the Bible will re-orient us to another question, that the Bible implies is a better question. Sometimes the answers suck. Such as when some of our "suffering" is caused by us, or by dead relatives we can't yell at. Other times it is frustrating because we are forced to realize that the dominant culture has us thinking we can actually eliminate many kinds of suffering - some through mere distraction, and other kids (like sickness) through medicine.

I am still happy that the Bible answers my questions. Through the Bible I expect people to have darkness in them. So, I am less surprised by suicide, divorce, squabbles over money. Through the Bible I do not expect to not suffer because of my faith. Through the Bible I believe there is hope of redemption (which is really the hardest one to believe isn't it?). I mean, ultimately we are not expecting answers to everything, I think we just struggle to have actual hope. It would be easy for me to write something trite about the resurrection. I do believe that it indicates the power behind true hope. But, I try not to be trite, I really do...

Monday, May 4th

So, Rachel and I came to a decision regarding my treatment. We have decided to have the surgery: Retro-Peritoneal Lymph Node Dissection on Monday (8 days, not tomorrow).

We came to the decision for a couple of reasons: one, it gives us a chance of no Chemo; two, they can biopsy the lymph nodes while I am "sleeping" and potentially look for more (Chemo simply shrinks, taking away diagnosis and the potential to know that the cancer is already gone); and three, the long-term effects of surgery are less than Chemo.

The surgery is laparoscopic, which means they don't but me open, there will be just 3 incisions and they will all be small circles. This is good for recovery time. Mom is coming into town to help, and we expect my recovery to be similar to the other one (really just a few days of pain, and about two weeks before I can do almost everything).

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, emails and phone calls. We have had so many ask how they can help. We will let you know - I promise!

I posted this pic because Caroline is eating frosting and sprinkles, and after my surgery I will have to observe a Medium-Triglyceride Diet (which means, not high fat stuff I think). No big deal.

Good Day

It is 12:39 AM and I should be getting on to bed. But, I just wanted to tell folks who are checking this that we all had a pretty good day.

Rachel and I both exercised (my first time since the surgery). I got a lot of school work done. Our girls seemed to enjoy themselves - the highlight for me was being in a very small tent ("castle") with Caroline and Julia.

Rachel got to get out for awhile (although the car wash took forever, thereby hindering her).

The guy from India fixed our Wireless Internet.

Anyway, amidst all of the mess and extra appointments, and decisions about chemo and surgery and surveillance it is good to know that it was simply a good day.

Also, if all of you make a big racket Rachel promised to post AMAZING pictures of our girls. (Reading between the lines: I post questionable pics :) ).