aorist

Did you know I HAD cancer?

Even as we slough through the last two weeks of treatment I hope it encourages you.

I had a friend correct another friend a few days ago. They cannot find my cancer. But, because it is a germ cell they want to be as certain as possible.

I will try to be very careful with my verb tenses. I had cancer. I am still going through Chemo, but as far as my oncologist can tell I don't have cancer.

Be encouraged.

2 more...

2 more short treatments & then done.  or, "aw dun" as julia says as she sweeps her food to the floor.  the next 2 tuesdays are still unpleasant in different, somewhat more manageable ways- bleomycin doesn't have the same effects as the cisplatin or etoposide.  matt feels pretty awful right now... will start to feel somewhat better tomorrow afternoon (no one will put more poison in him tomorrow, which will help tremendously).  hopefully he will be able to eat more by sunday, although he has done a great job of trying to eat here & there & keep drinking fluids.  smart man- and very strong.  you know how you feel when you have the flu?  doesn't scratch the surface of what he's been dealing with each day (and night), and he's still pushing through.  i'm amazed.

i'm also amazed by the fact that i'm still learning things about him.  we've been married almost 6 years;  shouldn't we be experts on each other by now?  well, apparently not.  i had no idea that he is an almost hopeless optimist.  i think it is serving him well in some ways- hoping for the best possible outcome from each surgery & treatment is surely more healthy than assuming the worst.  it can also be more painful to get bad news when you've been solely focused on the good... but i think it works for him.  i'm not wired that way- i kind of ride the fence between optimism and pessimism.  not expecting things to be the worst they can be, but certainly not holding onto the most positive outlook.  matt is good for me in this way.

i went running tonight for the first time since his diagnosis (real running- no stroller, just me & ron).  it felt really good- very normal, very familiar.  i listened to music i haven't heard in months, sprinted up a few hills, smelled some fantastic flowers in the humid night air. i also sweated A LOT.  the air temperature has dropped, but the pavement did not get the message- waves of sticky, steamy air pouring out of the street.  it was pretty awesome.  do you associate smells with certain times in your life?  sticky-summer-night-running smells remind me of high school track.   it's a good memory.

someone asked me yesterday where i am with God in all of this.  i thought it was a strange question because i don't think i change "where i am with God" depending on my circumstances.  but i understand what she was asking.  i am not angry & bitter with Him;  neither am i feeling utterly safe & close with Him.  i am not having incredible hours of intimacy with Him each morning;  neither am i giving Him the silent treatment.  i could be seeking Him more & asking for growth & wisdom.  but i am still listening, and i don't feel alone or abandoned or empty.   that's saying alot about our Lord, i think.  and it is enough.

Thoughts

i have been thinking about writing some things for a while now... not anything profound, really. as we continue living & moving through this strange messy time, i am looking ahead to 1 year, 5 years and 10 years from now. how will i be different because of what we are experiencing now? how will i respond in 6 months when someone i love is going through a similar process? what would i do differently if i could have known the whole story from start to finish?

i don't know.

i know a few things:

1. i married an incredible man. he is just really brave & honest about his cancer and what it is like to go through chemotherapy. he continues to love me well and encourage me as his wife and as a parent. he seeks time with each of our daughters to play and read and snuggle. i think caroline may remember this time when daddy had no hair and went to the doctor a lot, but it will not be an oppressive or troubling memory for her. and he looks hotter bald than most men look with hair! HA!

2. Matt has amazing friends (so do i, but i don't have cancer). i'm seriously impressed with the maturity, sensitivity, intentionality, and loyalty of the men (and women) who love him. thank you.

3. i don't know how to let people help us- and i mean that in the literal sense- there really is so little i can let people do! my girls are getting the maximum amount of babysitting they can take without feeling abandoned by me, so i can't really accept any of the 100's of generous offers for child care. i still have time and desire to cook and clean my house (no choice there- we are selling our home and have showings almost daily), so i don't really need meals or help with housework. and matt can't really eat much, so it might just be overkill to have them anyway. there are times when i have asked for help with things not relating directly to me, matt or my kids and i have not received the help i sought. so i don't really know what to think. i do ask when i need it and sometimes it's easier to do it myself.

i guess what i'm afraid of is that i'm not letting our friends love us, but i don't know what i should be doing differently.

4. i'm completely okay with saying "i am fine" when asked "how are you?" there is, of course, more to how i'm doing, but i really am okay. not to play Pollyanna, but i can see the bright side of what we're dealing with here. matt feels worse than i ever could have imagined, but it's the treatment that is making him sick, not the cancer. the treatment will be over soon, the cancer will be gone (according to all reputable sources), and not every cancer patient has this kind of experience. many people are receiving treatment in hope of shrinking their cancer and prolonging their life: we have never heard those words in regard to matt's disease. i don't have to sit by my husband and watch him be miserable and know that he may not get better- that would be excruciating and i would not be able to handle it. but he is being healed- i can handle that.

i'm not sure i have said everything i wanted to say. i'm pretty sure i'm not being an inspiration or gaining any incredible wisdom to share with all of you from this experience. i hear that a lot- "go read _____'s blog- she's such an inspiration!" i don't know that i'm interested in that. i do care about communicating with those that love us, so that's what this is....

thanks for loving us- we love you, too.

-rachel

Batman: Object of Wrath

This morning I came into the kitchen and Batman had turned over the trash can. He used to do this a lot, until we got an un-tip-overable trash can... well, we have moved that to the basement, and I cooked us some trout last night (with a brown sugar glaze... it was good Rachel made bread and pasta to go with it). So, he was looking for the remnants of the trout.

I hit him. In the shoulder. Because he was nudging me, asking for food as I was picking up the 40 pieces of tin foil he had shredded looking for some trout.

It is the second time I have hit the cat.

Rachel is so gracious. She is glad I don't hit people. Really, she is just willing to separate Batman and I for awhile if need be... I think I could grow up and not hit this strange little animal who happens to live in our house (cats aren't pets, they are just animals we like). But this morning, first day of intense Chemotherapy, I probably don't have time to make the fried egg sandwich I have been dreaming about... and there is this cat. So I hit him.

Oh well. I will let him sit on me later (he seems to still want to cuddle anyway later).

Today is going fine. I can feel the Chemo coming in (saline flush begins in 30 minutes). This will be a difficult week, and then it will be over. Rachel was encouraging me not to make big resolutions (forcing myself to eat, etc.) and I think she is wise. So, we're just going to get through the week.

If you're bored at work I preached yesterday. www.riversidestl.org I think I said what I was trying to say. And, Chemo makes others things less stressful so I wasn't going crazy trying to make it perfect. I couldn't fit cancer into the "Blessed are the meek" part of the sermon, but I thought it fit easily into the, "for they shall inherit the Earth" part.

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts and phone calls. This week will be hard. We will call if we need things. If you see an animal tied to a stake in front of our house with a "free" sign, call Rachel and asked if she authorized it. If you need direction for prayer... please pray that the hours would go quickly.

Hotter than Bruce

just thought there needed to be a picture of matt... he looks pretty good, but i may be biased.   

i have some thoughts brewing.  i may write another post later...

Bruce

One of my friends shaved his head. Partly for solidarity, and partly because his head looks good that way. He said we could call him Bruce. Is it true that a producer just saw him in a bar and hired him for Moonlighting?

I will ask Cha Cha.

So, my hair is falling out. Its weird. But, it is part of the process. Chemo kills all cells which make new cells quickly. Mom will give you every adverb and adjective you want to hear about how the Chemo is getting EVERY cell.

Today at 4:00 I am 50% finished with Chemo. This is a non-intense week, week 3 total, treatment number 7, and 'B' treatment 3. Next week is the last intense week (of 2) of Chemo. It seems less scary, just necessary and there.

Simpler prayers make more sense to me. I pray the LORD's prayer more than I used to. I am thankful to the answers I received before this. I lean on them, and do not feel like revisiting them now. Maybe in 2010. I have a book on suffering on my shelf. It is still interesting to me as an idea, but I am not picking it up right now.

Church is a funny place for me. I struggle to walk people through my own weakness. When they do a double take and ask, with great feeling, "How are you doing?" I struggle to know how to respond. I don't think it is bad that they ask, I don't think it is bad that I have found out I am incapable of saying "Fine." It is just hard.

Of course last Sunday I couldn't go because my face was covered with Poison Ivy. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I NEEDED, we didn't have anything else going on so how about some poison ivy... It seems funny to me now (since it is mainly not itching anymore; thanks Prednizone).

Anyway, that's my update for today. Have a good Tuesday.

Cumulative

So, let's clear some things up about the librarian. Did she charge me: no. Was she helpful: yes. But, did she think (I suppose based upon the twinkle in my eye) that I had a good excuse for not returning the book: no. That's it.

So, I haven't been blogging because I don't feel good. And, because I have started taking my summer class. It is all I can do to sit there. I don't even multi-task (huge for me), I just listen, take some notes, leave periodically, come back, and then go home and nap.

I thought the "B" wouldn't be a big deal because it just takes 10 minutes to give it to me, because the side effects seems like they are either crazy or not a big deal (so I was gambling on "not a big deal"). The "B" still sucks. You don't want details!

I do have a small appetite. My sleep has been improving a little. I have given up all the details of the things I do for the church - and my teams have been great about it, especially the Art Team. There are a lot of details to making an Art Gallery happen and my team is amazing. Now, I just hope people show up and buy art. I have given the point person the freedom to use the "Chemo Card" to keep artists in line. I believe she has pulled it out once with great effect.

Some stats:

Weeks finished: 2

Weeks remaining: 4

Treatments finished: 6

Treatments remaining: 8

My Fairy Name according to Caroline: Silver Mist (lately Terrence, but usually Silver Mist, the most effeminate Fairy). Julia is usually Vidia (the evil one), and Rachel is usually Raini but Rachel gets to be most of the Fairies. Caroline is usually Tinkerbell.

My shooting percentage on Monday Night (Basketball... wasn't sure I should play, but they say exercise helps): 100%, 2-2, one 3, one lay up. We won. 2-0 with Cancer-Blazer. 0-3 without him.

GPA Last Semester: 3.32

GPA every other Semester put together: 3.31

Professors Suspected of giving "Cancer A's": 2 (one highly)

Number of people at the Seminary who would bend over backwards to make my life easier: every staff person I come into contact with. Literally, every one.

That's all i got. Thanks for reading. If you're praying thanks even more for praying. If you're forgiving me for not calling you back - thanks for that too.

Yours,

Matt

Librarians

So, I was asking a librarian about an overdue book.  And, I swore to her I had a series of really good excuses for not returning this book.

She did not believe me (that the excuses were good)

So, next time should I say, "I have had one surgery and 2 weeks of Chemo since then and the book dropped on my priority list.  Thank you for your help."       ???

Thoughts?

Discuss...

4:00 AM

So, this is actually Matt writing (don't get too excited those fans-of-Rachel-writing).

I woke up at 3:00 because Adavan is a decent nausea drug, that has this perk of causing drowsiness.  However, when it is done you wake up (if you are me).

So, I'm going to blog quickly then go back to bed (where it is at least warm - ask our Mother's in Law about how cold it is at our house). 

Everyone should be encouraged that I ate two real meals today.  One was somewhat ill-advised (Eggs Benedict at Firstwatch - trying to stick it to the man), but was okay.  The other was an easy-on-the-family night at Olive Garden.  I ate slowly, salad tasted like cardboard, but I found myself enjoying the spaghetti.  By the end of the meal I did not feel nauseous.  That is the first time in 7 days!  After we got home I even polished off the leftovers (even after Chemo I'm trying to abide by my new book).  

School Tomorrow.  Chemo-Lite on Tuesday.  Two more weeks before the LAST round of Sucky-Chemo.  

Rachel and I also decided my birthday was okay for Chemo, over and against say Christmas or Thanksgiving (Holidays I like more...  is my birthday a holiday???)

Anyway, I hope you're encouraged, as we were.  

Mean Friday

So, I take the stairs to the 7th floor of the Siteman Cancer Center.  Because everyone says exercise helps.  And it does.  Yesterday we walked for about an hour after I got home, and I felt better (not 'good' mind you).  Some of the nurses and workers up here try to get you to be happy, and some make faces that understand, and some make faces that make me think that they think that Ron just died (Ron is my dog, and he is unhappy these days, but very alive).

At the reception desk, where I get a pager, she said, "How are you doing?"  And, I said, "You know what happens when I go back there right?"  And, she said, "But, today's Friday!"  And I said, "That I can get on board with...  Yes, I am happy it is Friday."

Today marks the end of the first intense round of Chemo.  Next week and the week after I only get one dose on Tuesdays (just two hours), and all it does is give me a fever...  Sheesh, I will take a fever!  So, apparently 24-48 hours after Chemo it will be out of my system - so that is exciting.  By this time tomorrow I will feel crappy still, but I will feel crappy at home and I can take my family (or just my dog) on a walk.  Walking sort of feels like my body is choke-slamming the nausea - it is still there, but further away.

By the way, this blog is supposed to make you smile or at least know that everything is okay.  I can do this.  The intense week is almost over, the view is nice, it took my four tries to eat my Chipotle Burrito from Wednesday but it is now gone.  

Mom and I were commiserating that we would rather be grown in character through a conference or a book, but we are okay with this too.  I think my whole family would ditto that.  It hasn't been an easy couple of years for really any side of the family - although I don't think any of them begrudge me getting cancer.  Anyway, thank you for your thoughts and prayers and concerns.  Thank you to Ty for driving me today, thank you to those who have brought me lunch, thank you to Margie and Anne who watched Julia (although that isn't hard...  she is pretty agreeable as long as you know where the yogurt is) so Rachel could come up here, thank you to those who did not bring me lunch because the thought of seeing a person or food actually made me feel worse.  Thank you to the two young men who painted my fence yesterday.  

Chemo sucks, but we need to do it (and i know that many of you are feeling it with us because of your affection for us - not just family).  Chemo sucks, but it will be over in about five weeks.  I can do anything for five weeks.  

Thursday

I'm drinking Cranberry Juice, looking our over the Central West End in St. Louis.  

I have had 3 rooms in Barnes Jewish Hospital, and the view was good in each one.

So, I keep trying to motivate myself to do school work.  Not happening.  Every once in awhile I try to come up with a witty or encouraging blog post.  Not happening.  

Many of you say I am brave.  I don't think so.  I think I'm just doing what needs to be done.  

The good news is that the next two weeks are significantly easier.  Even though I have another long day tomorrow.  Chemo sucks, I continue to appreciate your prayers and thoughts.  

Better

So, the "feel good" part seems to come in waves.

I slept all morning (after not sleeping well last night and being sick this morning), and then got a couple of visitors for lunch (you are of course only supposed to have one at a time, so Martin had to hide behind the door when nurses came in).  I didn't think I would want to see them, but it was nice and I perked up enough to eat some Jimmy John's.  

Today will be a long day as I have to monitored while receiving the Bleomycin.  

I don't know how I'm doing.  I think we're just knuckling down and getting it done.  I'm going to continue with school, we're still working and playing with our kids; except now I sometimes have to leave the park to be sick...  But, then I come back feeling better.  And, I can chase Caroline.  There were several post-surgery weeks where there was no chasing.  I think I would rather be sick once/twice a day and still be able to chase her.

There is nothing like a round of cisplatin (The "p" in BEP Chemo) to make you realize how much you like reading 3 Curious George stories to your 3 year old.  Although, I have come to really question the Man in the Yellow Hat.  Not only is he absent and irresponsible, I'm not sure his relationships with married women are appropriate.  Do you know more about his vacations with Mrs. Needleman?

Anyway, thank you again for your prayers, thoughts, messages, etc.

Last night when I couldn't sleep I came up with some really profound words about being a Christian and having cancer.  Apparently they have left me.  

Essentially I think I am more thankful for the Christian posture I am continually trying to adopt.  I do not think this posture offers me "meaning" in a grand way that other postures do not.  But, I do think that my hope in the redemption of the world is still connected with my hope for healing - now or later.  I understand that I (we) will be grown through this process, and while I (we) would rather be grown through advice, or books, we are willing to submit to our growth as participants in what Jesus is doing to redeem the world.

I wonder about my conviction towards this next time I am sick.  But, I do believe it and am comforted that my mess is okay, I am known and loved, and that - even amidst cancer - my family has a role to play in putting the world back to rites.  

Day Two

I do not feel well.

Which is why some of you are not receiving calls back or emails back.

I don't have texts anymore either.  

Yesterday was okay - some nausea, then good times with the girls and enjoyed playing basketball (we won - which always helps, I air-balled a shot and felt I had some very good excuses lined up).

Today is all three of the Chemo-Therapies.  Suck.  This is still better than cancer, but definitely not fun.  

Mystique killed: Day One

So, I am sitting in the Chemo Room.  The schedule says I have a private room the other four days of this week.  

My thought is that since so many of you check the blog, and I will be sitting here a lot - I should update the blog a lot.  

I am currently being hydrated - which takes two hours.  Getting some magnesium to go with the saline.  About 20 minutes ago they infused me with a steroid which helps nausea, helps the Chemo to work, and hopefully it will make me springey tonight at my basketball game (Doctor Joel would call it "feeling froggy").  Also got some Kytril (like Zophran), have Emend if I want it (and some compazine).  Those are all for nausea.  The nurse said it would be a good week to do some Spring Cleaning because I will likely have some trouble sleeping with the steroid...  Except for tomorrow when they will be giving me Benadryl.  

Anyway, we are here (Rachel is here).  I could also tell you about my clinical trial of other stuff (and the journal they gave me.  I'm going to draw a horse on it, with a sword, to guard my hopes and dreams...  That is a Scrubs reference), but I will cut the blog short.

In some ways we are excited that in 6 weeks we will be done with Cancer Treatment.  We are certainly still nervous about today.  The Chemo I will get, once the hydrating is over, will probably make me pretty nauseous (getting the "E" and the "P" of BEP, the "P" (Cisplatin) is the one that makes many nauseous).  I am excited that I'm not getting a port.  I'm excited to hang out with the girls today.  I am excited to try and play basketball.  Feel free to email today as I will be sitting until around 4:00 PM.