So, the "feel good" part seems to come in waves.
I slept all morning (after not sleeping well last night and being sick this morning), and then got a couple of visitors for lunch (you are of course only supposed to have one at a time, so Martin had to hide behind the door when nurses came in). I didn't think I would want to see them, but it was nice and I perked up enough to eat some Jimmy John's.
Today will be a long day as I have to monitored while receiving the Bleomycin.
I don't know how I'm doing. I think we're just knuckling down and getting it done. I'm going to continue with school, we're still working and playing with our kids; except now I sometimes have to leave the park to be sick... But, then I come back feeling better. And, I can chase Caroline. There were several post-surgery weeks where there was no chasing. I think I would rather be sick once/twice a day and still be able to chase her.
There is nothing like a round of cisplatin (The "p" in BEP Chemo) to make you realize how much you like reading 3 Curious George stories to your 3 year old. Although, I have come to really question the Man in the Yellow Hat. Not only is he absent and irresponsible, I'm not sure his relationships with married women are appropriate. Do you know more about his vacations with Mrs. Needleman?
Anyway, thank you again for your prayers, thoughts, messages, etc.
Last night when I couldn't sleep I came up with some really profound words about being a Christian and having cancer. Apparently they have left me.
Essentially I think I am more thankful for the Christian posture I am continually trying to adopt. I do not think this posture offers me "meaning" in a grand way that other postures do not. But, I do think that my hope in the redemption of the world is still connected with my hope for healing - now or later. I understand that I (we) will be grown through this process, and while I (we) would rather be grown through advice, or books, we are willing to submit to our growth as participants in what Jesus is doing to redeem the world.
I wonder about my conviction towards this next time I am sick. But, I do believe it and am comforted that my mess is okay, I am known and loved, and that - even amidst cancer - my family has a role to play in putting the world back to rites.
7 comments:
I love you and am thankful for your leadership and friendship. I would take this from you, if I could.
I know it probably isn't easy to write...or maybe it is, and it helps give your mind something to dwell on for a few minutes. Even if you were doing it soley for our benefit, know that it means a lot to me that you take the time to record your thoughts. I'm as eager to hear the depth as I am to hear the status report.
Less talk, more punch.
Thank you for sharing Matt. We will continue to pray.
I should have something profound to say, but mostly I am laughing over your thoughts about the Man in the Yellow Hat. Last week I read the entire Curious George book to Caroline, and I too was getting increasingly concerned over the Man not noticing George was gone for hours on end.
Thank you for sharing your life with us. I mean that big picture life, not just the thoughts on your blog.
The Hahns are fans of Curious George on PBS kids. I think it's funny that a kid they visit in the country (Bill) thinks George is a "city kid" and doesn't realize he's a monkey. And the Man with the Yellow hat seems slightly more responsible on the show...slightly. What bothers me more on the show is a very badly trained dog that constantly ruins things.
So proud of the way you are running the race Matt. You give me so much courage and my faith is built every time I read...thank you.
The word I just had to verify was 'bitter' in order to post my comment. I think that is so funny. Many people might be bitter at this point, but you seem to be doing well. It helps so much to read your blog. We have been thinking about you guys a lot. Matthew was pretty excited to get a shout out in an earlier entry. We love and miss you.
Megan
Matt & Rachel,
I have been thinking about you lots recently. Matt, I'm really glad you can still chase Caroline. That's so great :) I'm inspired by your perspective on this difficult journey...redemption is coming indeed. I miss you guys, and your sweet Caroline & Julia. But I don't have to miss you much longer, because I am moving back to STL soon! In the next couple months! I'm excited to be able to do more for you all than pray and comment on your blog, if you need me for anything :)
Halley
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