Friday, April 03, 2009

Videos


So, yesterday evening I watched a 10 minute video of Jazz Pianist Eric Lewis performing for this year's TED. Smarter people than me can tell you about TED, but if you don't know about it it is a good time to Google it so when people talk about it you don't think they're kidding about the title of the conference.

The interesting thing is that listening to Eric Lewis is compelling, and I sound refined or at least I am interested in being refined or something.

But, the video I watched last before Eric (maybe 5 days ago... I don't watch videos as much as _______ ) who always sends me links, was Achmed the Dead Terrorist. My wife thinks Achmed is hilarious and lately she has been calling my doctor Achmed because she is annoyed with him.

The point is, or the question is. What does it say about me that those are the last two things I watched? What does it say about the culture? It just seems amazing, and slightly intriguing that I can watch those to videos as easily as I did and they are the only ones I watched. I almost watched a sermon... Then I didn't.

And, in between paragraph one and three of this blog post Rachel and I SKYPED our great friends the Sweeneys in Singapore. The world is a funny, inter-connected place and while some days I use that to learn about dissonant, cutting edge-jazz piano... others I just watch Achmed.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Shabbos Email


One of these days I will take the Sabbath seriously enough to remember how I work.

Our family has been getting better at playing on Saturdays, and today I had un-get-out-of-able meetings this afternoon and we had people over later... So, the morning was all for playing and being. Rachel made a LOT of coffee (helps everything) and some blueberry muffins, and when Julia went to sleep for morning nap I took Caroline to Rocketship Park (which is kind of dad and Caroline's Park). But, before I left I checked my email.

Now I'm mad. Because... Well, that's why - I'm not telling you, the anecdote is not about anger, it is about knowing that I didn't need to check my email. Yea, checking my email drew me into my work life where someone had disappointed me. This blank space is in honor of that email and my thoughts _________________________________________________.

Caroline wanted to swing for awhile (I thought about the email). Then she wanted to climb for awhile (I kept thinking about it). She didn't want to slide because last time we were there there was a big puddle. Then we went to the sand... Ahh, the sand. I sat on a bench. I know not to, she wants my presence, so I ran in the sand with her. Then we sat in the sand. In the sand I let it go, there was grace in the sand. We hung out. She made some sand angels (snow angels might be too many senses and a bit of fear, btu we are ready for sand angels). We talked about Wall E (I am Burn-E from the short movie, Julia is MO, Rachel is Eva... you might be able to figure out who Caroline is). We watched a train or two. It was neat to watch Caroline learn with her eyes, and no talking, that she could see the train in two places through the trees. Good ole' Rocketship Park.

I felt myself relax, let it go, etc. Things that are a normal part of living and working and knowing people. But, how much easier would it have been to be present (I'm so good with grammar and words) if I had simply not checked my email? I don't play video games too much anymore because I realize they don't actually relax me. I drink more tea. I try to reflect. This last one seems easier when you're sitting in the sand. Thank you Lord for the grace of the sand. I will try to not check my email next Saturday. Thank you Caroline for continuing to want to play.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Lent

Almost every year I decide I should really use Lent to ponder...  or to become more spiritual or something.  Seriously, it seems like such a basically good idea.  And, every year I forget.  I'm in Seminary and we don't seem to talk about it much.  I haven't gotten over to Wikipedia yet to see if there is a cool story about giving stuff up.  I DO have some trout in my freezer that we could fry on Friday I guess...

This is a fun article if you want to start observing late: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7923701.stm

Thoughts on Lent?

Did you give up anything?  

Have you ever had a great experience with Lent?  

Anybody ever go through the book Mars Hill (Bell's Mars Hill, don't think Driscoll is going to support Lent too much) put out a few years ago?  I think I saved it, never printed it, and definitely don't remember anything about it.  

I find it funny the amount of tests and papers and discussion forums I have to do for Seminary...  And, this might be my first conversation on Lent.  If there are a billion Roman Catholics then I am just out of touch right?  :)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Oscars

There are things about the Oscars that are funny.  I could hear my mom in my head saying, "Oh Goldie..." at one point.

Alas, I am catching up today.  However, I heard Dustin Lance Black's comments at his award for best Screenplay.  It was almost unnerving how good they were.  Carefully nuanced, incisive, terribly saddening, and unqualified enough to convict evangelicals (I hope).  

"I think he'd (Harvey Milk) want me to say to all of the gay and lesbian kids out there tonight who have been they are less then by their churches, or by the government, or by their families, that you are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value.  And that no matter what everyone tells you, God does love you, and that very soon, I promise you, you will have equal rights federally across this great nation of ours."

The political part gets me less than the first part...  I am embarrassed that he says it so well when Christians seem like they cannot.  People do not deserve to be marginalized and abused...  period.  I think Jesus would have stood and applauded, or maybe he would have been out pleading with the picketers to stop.


Monday, February 16, 2009

90 Blogs later




And I am still not positive what the purpose of a blog is.

I know this one is a random thought blog (because I twitched when the job ge by the guy at school said, "if you have a random thoughts blog...  shut it down while you're looking for a job).

I know i like to put up pictures of my daughters.  

I know I sometimes like to try to be provocative, by saying things like "I voted for Obama" or "I think Abortion is a gigantic distraction to evangelicalism".   Both of those things are true by the way.

I don't label much.  (down at the bottom)  

Here is a question...  I get to preach in April.  I am thinking of a couple of possibilities and would love your thoughts.  1.  "Margin" - How do you feel knowing the Bible takes your questions and often answers other ones oftentimes?  This would be about the Bible and our questions essentially.  2.  "Why be good?"  My short answer would be mission.  In my 31 years of experience I don't think many Christians get why to be good, and many who are watching churches (insert your word, "non-religious, religious, irreligious, atheist, seeker, agnostic, etc.) tend to perceive that Christianity is big on rules and be annoyed by it.  3.  What about giving people two Sundays where they could write their questions on index cards and then I could take like the top four (having no idea how I would determine that...  especially without being deterministic)?  

Thoughts?  

The great thing is that I stopped reading for school about 15 minutes ago because I was tired...  I was reading a 60 year old article about Natural Law by a professor who is trying REALLY hard to be relevant.  I couldn't focus...  till i started blogging about...  NOTHING.  Hilarious.  I really would appreciate your thoughts though!

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Stuff Christians Like







Hannah Wood turned me on to this blog. It is unbelievably accurate towards the strange subculture of evangelicalism. AND, I just learned that Jon went to college with my wife. Hilarious.

Here is a brief sampling, a bullet-point of a fictional interview with that guy that interviews movie stars... It is about people criticizing the Sermon at lunch.

1. I'm just not being fed.
What a fantastic way to look as if you're more spiritual than the pastor himself.

2. That message was not meant for me.
You are so generous to have sat there patiently while someone else that needed that sermon was able to receive it. What kindness.

3. That didn't feel like church.
What a perfect smokescreen of vagueness. How can anyone argue with your feeling? What does that even mean? More organ? Less organ? Better lasers? No lasers?

4. There wasn't enough Bible in that for me. That felt like a business leadership book.
What's enough? No one knows, which is why this is such a gem.

5. I'm not sure that sermon works in a postmodern world.
I'm not even sure I know what the word "postmodern" means, but it's fun to say. Few things make you look smarter than repeating this word. Repeatedly.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Stupid Kirk






I NEVER do these things.

But, Kirk did one, so I thought i would do one. With every person I put on my list ( you are supposed to do 25), a little bit of my will to live left me. So, I will throw it on the old blog...

1) I like coffee. French Press about twice a month.
2) Lately I have been spelling my name, "mat" to elicit whatever relaction.
3) My poor wife has noticed that while thinking I make very strange movements with my bottom lip. She wishes she could scold me, but she cannot stop laughing usually.
4) I got to hang out with two of my favorite authors in the last 6 years.
5) I would like to eventually publish a short story or essay
6) When someone introduces me as his or her pastor, I laugh because I am not one, then I try to sort of hide it... then I kind of repent...
7) I like NPR. I wish I liked music in general more. I like Jazz, but wish I liked it more.
8) I am suspicious of Christians
9) I have never thought of anything permanent enough in my life to tattoo, except my wife or kids but that would be kind of dippy.
10) I say "Dippy" because of my wife, and "silly" because of Caroline.
11) I think telling people to find their passion and do it, sets most people up for a discontent and at times miserable life. I agree - and still do it.
12) I keep in touch with about 10-15 men in a pretty deep and personal way. Not as often as I might like, but pretty dang often.
13) I love re-imagining the Christian faith. For everyone (including myself)
14) if I don't play basketball for a week I begin to feel partially empty.
15) If I do not get at least one rebound I shouldn't have got and thrown one amazing (or "ill advised") pass in that game, for someone else to score... Then I will be slightly less happy all week. I would take a 3 pointer too, btu some weeks that is pushing it.
16) I'm afraid to plant churches, because I dont' want to. But, I'm afraid I will become cynical enough to do it.
17) The last 3 people who tried to ue my chainsaw couldn't. 2 thought they broke it. It made me feel like more of a man.
18) My Dog's Name is Ron. I knew the name for about 5 years before he came into our life (not incarnationally, we adopted him from a stray society). He is likely the best behaved (inside) dog that you know.
19) Kirk Adkisson once took my wife and I to the Hillin St. Louis, and I ate a bowl of Spaghetti. It HURT. A lot. becauseI ate as much as Kirk could and no one should have
20) I flirt with murdering my cat: Batman. Not really. But, kind of. My friend Ty would also like to kill him.
21) I like the NBA. I liked it when everyone else was down on it. Even when it was like the WWF (94 and 95).
22) Andre Dubus is my favorite author.
23) I have tried 35 kinds of Scotch.
24) My Mom is the best business-person I know. Seriously.
25) Kirk is getting into Birding. What is birding?
26) I can quote lots of 80's movies and songs. Probably more than you, but maybe not more than ANYONE you know.
27) Definitely missing the end of my right thumb, and have definitely used that to every advantage I have ever been able to think of. Told the story at least 5000 times (I can explain how I get to that number if you want to know), and make a joke about 4.6 times/week.
28) Saw U2 at Slane Castle in Ireland about two weeks before 9/11.
29) My wife is very beautiful, and I have been lately pretty aware of it. Not bragging, just happy.
30) I'm becoming a Pastor of Arts and Culture in the Fall and I know less about Art and music than almost everyone you know...

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Just in Case












Just in case you check my blog, and don't ever visit the BBC's Day in pictures.

This is a young man dancing on the rubble of his home in Gaza.

I don't know if pictures like this make my faith greater or if they increase my doubt.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Gran Torino







I just watched Gran Torino.

There is a hollowness in Clint Eastwood's movies. I mean it as a compliment, but it is there nonetheless... some spaces in the acting and writing, and even the shooting that I don't know if I am smart enough to get. But, it makes me feel like I'm NOT watching the latest flick.

There was a lot in there about good Masculinity. That part makes me sad for a lot of reasons I really don't feel like getting into.

There was some community stuff... I guess.

There was some racist stuff... I guess.

There was some spiritual stuff... I guess.

What was the last movie you saw that moved you? I think Gran Torino moved me. It made me sad that I didn't know some men well, and sadder that I didn't know others longer. It is interesting and difficult to be a man. I would compare it to being a woman, but you know... I do live with three of them though. Ron doesn't count. Check the blog in five years and we'll see if I have come up with anything.

I think Gran Torino moved me. What was the last movie that moved you?

Yes, I know the picture is not of a Gran Torino... I liked Better off Dead A LOT when I was growing up...

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Ethics/Culture












I'm sitting in a class right now and the professor just quoted an author I have just recently started reading. He said not to put the quote in my blog... Then I raised my hand and said, "Did you say not to put this in my blog?" and he said, "Just don't say, Pastor ________ said, that ____________ ____________ said,

"The problem with Capitalism is that is makes shitty people." "

So, I will just include the quote.

Thoughts???

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Blogging in 2009 (job too)

The blog was private because I was looking for a job, and one suggestion that I thought was a good one was to hide any random thought blogs. This blog is nothing if it is not a random thought blog!

So, if you attend Riverside Church (and were there on Sunday) you know that I have a job when I graduate (August unless I burn out in the Spring), at Riverside. Many of you have sent encouraging texts, facebooks, etc. Thank you! And, know that I have a finite number of text messages - therefore, am saying thanks this way.

So, I will be the pastor of arts and culture... I think. We have till September to figure it out it seems! And, more importantly :), my blog is now not-private.

I should write more about how glad I am 2008 is over (it was a long year in many ways). I should write more about how awesome my mom is - we just spent a week together in California, New Mexico, Arizona, and Colorado. I should write more about my kids and how cool they are. I should devote at least one blog to my wife - after all - how else could my kids be so cool? I should write about the people we lost this year, but I think I already did that (and, thankfully... no one has died since then... I hope that doesn't sound calloused or insensitive... some of my friends have lost since then. But, five seems like a lot).

Anyway, the purpose of this is to explain 1 - Why the Blog went private for two months. 2 - To explain the Job I got.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas and the Puritans




So, I was listening to Reasonable Doubts Podcast and they were talking about the idea and Holiday of Christmas. They mentioned that the Puritans didn't celebrate it because they knew that the tree was for the Winter Solstice and the connections to Saturnalia (Am I writing like I knew it before I listened?). I read the Puritans a little, in a book of essentially poetry, that my mother-in-law bought for me. It is good to read them. Their theology is too harsh for me, and I think a bit too negative - but it is such humble, pious faith.

I think somewhere in me is a long blog about Christmas and consumerism, and how our theology should affect holidays like Christmas (and... maybe... Easter) more than it does. Alas, My throat hurts a little, we just put the girls down (We still haven't opened everything for Caroline, she just kept getting overwhelmed), and I don't know if I have it in me!

I love that I have an excuse to not lave the house. I loved being at the mall yesterday to get a watch fixed (thanks Mom) and ate cookies with Caroline (too many for both of us... stupid coupon). Rachel deserves a medal - she set up Caroline's doll house, cooked us Baked French Toast with cream cheese and pecans in between the pieces of bread, made coffee... I think she got up at 5:20. And, she got me the coolest presents ever. Not flashy, but VERY me.

I hope you have a nice Christmas...

Monday, December 15, 2008

Anger


Does everyone have anger issues?

Tonight I went to my book club and it was great. We read White Noise by Don Delillo. The book was an experience, not a book. He has the ability to make the plot seem primary, secondary, or (here is nice word) tertiary. What was the book about? Death maybe? Was it a satire? No, but it was certainly satirical. Was it funny? Might have been the funniest book I have ever read, and yet had some of the most quotable lines i have ever seen on sex, death, adultery, masculinity, parenting, etc.

Anyway, I saw a friend of mine named James at the bar. It is the second time I have seen James in a week. James has a friend named Tom, and about 13 seconds into my meeting with Tom I find out he is a somewhat angry atheist. I told him about getting a drink with Chris Hitchens and how much I respect Hitchens' robust rejection of Christianity. It was very clear that Tom did not think I was free-thinker, or had anything to advocate for.

He then went on a rant against religious people who want to have their cake and eat it too in the form of rejecting miracles, but affirming Jesus' resurrection. I couldn't get a word in edge wise to tell him how much I agreed with him. So few "agnostics" will reach any argumentative closure, such as "Jesus must have been a total lunatic" (Hitchens is the first I have ever heard - OF ANYONE - to affirm C.S. Lewis' classic 'Jesus must be a liar, a lunatic, or the Son of God' argument).

Anyway, I think we left it well, there was some discussion of pre-suppositions and miracles, the laws of physics, etc. Maybe he will come to On Tap (which is this Thursday ontapdiscussion.blogspot.com - you should totally come).

The really funny thing is, I think Christians deserve the anger of most agnostics/atheists. It is hard for me that I have to convince my friends who do not believe in God that I capable of critical thinking, but it is mainly hard because I know how many insensitive Christians that they have talked with... How many who have berated them, told them they are going to Hell, etc. I wonder how Tom grew up, I wonder what he reads (the bar was closing so I didn't get a chance to find any of this out), I wonder what his fears and dreams are, I wonder if he cares what mine are?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

In Honor of Dr. Joel


Doc left me in for a few extra minutes in the second half. I was playing okay (Although I did airball a 3 pointer... because I started wondering if someone was gonna come block it). He mentioned that I would want to blog about a reverse layup I hit on a miss by a teammate...

I think it would be more fun to blog about my second technical foul ever (Doc has seen both). Third technically, but one was for attempting to enter a game when I had already fouled out (also only happened about once...). I was being fouled... THis is not unusual, but I thought it was getting bad... I would say he slapped my arms about four times... HE then had the ball. I yelled, "COME ON..." And the ref (Who has been refereeing games since I have been in STL) shook his head as in, "It wasn't a foul..." I was thinking, damn straight it wasn't... it was four. What I actually said was, "JUST SAY YOU DIDN'T SEE IT!!!" Not abusive words, but I was yelling very very loudly...

We were down ten at halftime. I told the ref what I did was childish and asked his forgiveness. He also called more fouls after that...

We won by 2.

It felt good...

I care about basketball a lot less than I used to, but I apparently still care enough to yell at a ref...

And now, I will make my blog private.

And post a picture of Tom Chambers... Can anyone else hear Dan Patrick saying, "Hurt the Rim Tommy..."

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Tomorrow... Hurry!

Tomorrow I will be making my blog private... I was going to wait longer then realized anyone who wants to get ahold of me knows some way... other than my actual blog, to get ahold of me.

I will probably switch it late tonight or tomorrow...

For reasons I will make clear soon!

So, I think I need your email to let you read it.

So, make sure I know you read it (the most random people tell me they read it)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Cheez-Its


Scott Sauls, our former pastor at Riverside, taught me as much as anyone about the Gospel.

He was a big fan of a couple of illustrations, but one (that to my knowledge he only used once) is totally stuck in my head.

He talked about his ability to sit down in front of the TV and eat an entire box of Cheez its. He said he ate the entire box because he doesn't believe the Gospel - not everywhere, not all the time. And, sometimes he wants to feel different and so he will sit down and eat an entire box of Cheez-Its while watching TV.

Luckily for me it is goldfish...

Fortunately or unfortunately there are a lot of things that I do - now that I have this illustration - that are because there are places where I simply do not believe that I am a mess and that I am loved.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hmmmmm...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/17/AR2008111703682.html

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Why I shouldn't write about Death

Because it has been too close all year.

Because I don't know that I have much to say.

What is more scary to me is that so many have so much less to say. I went to a funeral - three weeks ago - at a relatively liberal church in my community. They were unwilling to say anything... Or maybe they had nothing to say. Maybe they were so busy deconstructing the Bible they forgot to see if it had anything to say - I don't know. I just know that at the funeral they had nothing to say. Luckily my friend's sister had good things to say.

I suppose my main message, from what I can tell about Jesus and the story he is telling is, "This is not the way it is supposed to be..." Seems like Jesus did a lot less comforting with the idea of Heaven than we (evangelicals... showing my cards: I am an evangelical) often do. Seems like he was moved by death, and he needed to provide a more powerful - yeah, material - redemption.

2 other things (I could expand the above one for pages... But I won't).

Why do we want knowledge? Is knowledge power, or is it just more knowledge? Or, is it a distraction to the grief process?

One of my friends died a few weeks ago and we do not know why. I think last year I would have wanted to know (she was in her 20's). I do not care as much now. I wish I knew her better. I was greatly appreciative of the stories told at the funeral - and of the space provided by the men presiding over the service to grieve, to enjoy, to think and pray (not the liberal, local church - this was actually a collaborative effort). I do not think knowledge is always power.

I was going to write about Hell, and how I am glad that the picture of God in the Bible punishes sin... But, I'm not sure I can muster the energy to do it any justice (pun not intended). Somehow, in my heart, these areas are all very tied.

Friday, November 07, 2008

assumptions

I have resolved to assume less.

I wonder what life will be like when I can pull that off to some extent?

I think I will be a better man, husband, friend, etc.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I voted





For Obama.

I thought about my vote a lot. I asked my brother - he teaches at a school in Chicago and was very kind of tolerate my conservative question. He gave me two options for thinking about it correctly: computational and ontological. If you know what that means please let me know... in the end Donald Miller expresses why I voted for Obama well. I have a lot of hopes on top iof this, but here is what he has said...

By the way, right after this picture was taken, Caroline fell over her pumpkin... But, going to the patch (albeit expensive) was really fun... And, we have the pumpkin (a green one) on our porch. Thanks Ross Chaffin for copying this post so I could then steal it (also).

"Burnside: Can you lay out your biggest reasons for supporting Barack Obama?

Donald Miller: First off, I know this is an odd thing for somebody in my position to do, to support a candidate for President. But I do feel this candidate is unique. Barack is the only candidate willing to talk about his faith in Jesus. Other candidates are reluctant, but Obama is not. He is the only one who has consistently talked about the cross, about redemption, and about repentance. Many white evangelicals have a misconception about Barack...they believe that because he is a Democrat, he cannot be a Christian. But times have changed, culture has changed, and political parties change. So one of the reasons I support Barack is because he is my Christian brother, and other Christians are rejecting him.

But that has little to do with his candidacy. In short, there are a few issues I agree with Barack on.

Senator Obama is going to move us past the impasse in our cultural war, something I think of as a cultural Vietnam. On the issue of abortion, he is the only candidate who has a plan to reduce the number of abortions. John McCain's only plan is the same old trick: say that you are pro life and offer no plan at all other than to criminalize abortion. I simply think that plan hasn't worked, and we have to face that fact and look for other ways to make progress.

I realize this is controversial, that there are many who would rather vote for a pro-life candidate and keep the abortion rate the same, on principle. And like them I believe in the sanctity of life, I simply think we need to begin making progress, and Barack is offering progress. He is also standing up to his own party on the issue and moving the party forward to elevate the issue of the sanctity of life within the Democratic Party. I also see this as progress. I do wish we could end abortion completely, but the Republicans have not spelled out a realistic plan to do so, and until they do, I won't vote for a candidate who simply throws us a pro-life line and no plan. It seems insincere.

But let me add this: I do wish Obama were pro-life. His plan to reduce the rate of abortion is a great step for the party, but I also wish he would defend the unborn to a greater degree.

However, at this point, in this election, with these two candidates, I think progress will be made with Barack. Not enough progress, but some progress, especially within the Democratic party, who may soften their stand on the sanctity of life.

A personal connection with me regarding Obama involves the initiative he is taking with responsible fatherhood. He has already drawn up legislation to change the welfare state to stop rewarding families whose fathers leave, and is working to change the economic structure so fathers who stay with their families are given tax relief. This has been an age-old problem that was written about in George Gilder's book Sexual Suicide. (Gilder's) book is a Conservative's economic manifesto, but Barack sees a lot of value in Gilder's ideas. But because Barack is a Democrat, Conservatives are unable to even consider his ideas."

Friday, October 10, 2008

Proof that Mom should always accompany Dad to the park




So, I'm about to leave for a Men's Retreat, and don't have time to write much. What will be interesting is to see if Rachel reads this/views this post while I am gone!

She is great about knowing that both of us add things to the girls' lives that are indispensable and often cannot be manufactured by the other... But, sometimes doesn't 'feel good' when she sees pictures like this one.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The 6th Sense


So, when I saw the Sixth Sense I was late. It made it a far more intriguing movie. I remember later seeing a shirt that said, "I see stupid people... they are everywhere... they always want to talk to me." I thought that the shirt was funny.

Today I heard the 60th story of a stupid person, responding stupidly to a friend of mine who is in crisis. We talked it over for awhile - attempting to become sad, rather than angry and offended.

Reminds me of when people ask me if they can do anything when it is clear I am hurting. I know they mean well, and it is a hair better than "how are you doing", but I would like to have each of them sit with me and we would talk about how it is harder... but better, to simply say "I'm sorry this is going on", or "I don't have the words... I'm sorry" (cheesy - sure).

I can't get my head around my own desire to fix, much less anyone else's. But, I am more and more aware of when we are left with margin - some answers, but not all. Some hope, but not so much that we aren't consistently in pain. Some ability to see beauty, but some obscurity even in that.

Right this second what saves me (honestly it has been saving me for a few weeks now), is a robust definition of the Gospel of Jesus. My old pastor used to say, "You're a mess and you're loved", and he would sometimes spend a few moments really stressing the second. I would add, "and you have a role to play in the great story... You're a mess, you're loved, and you have a role to play in the story." It really helps, it really applies everywhere, I really preach it to myself on a regular basis, it really helps me not be intimidated by my worldview source - the Bible... it doesn't make the pain go away, but it takes the pain seriously and seems to offer robust answers to really awful and difficult questions.

Thoughts?

Discuss...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Some have asked for pics

So, the background of my computer changes all the time..


And, I thought that others should get to enjoy what is often so special about that...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

An Enjoyable Evening


I have many good friends, one of them is Robbie Griggs. Thanks to Robbie I not only got to go to this debate tonight (Wednesday) for free, but afterwards I got to sit with his boss (one of my seminary professors) and one of the most famous atheists around - Christopher Hitchens.

It is late, because we got to sit together for a good bit and I'm sure that I will have more to write at some point. But, as I grow into my Christianity I am less convinced of the power of my persuasion and more convinced that life is a gift, God is in control and He is good. That being said, Christopher Hitchens is an enjoyable man to have a drink with. He can discuss religion, politics, and history with the best and he is well read. He is a bigger fan of Chesterton than C.S. Lewis, but he TOTALLY agrees with C.S. Lewis' proposition that it is irresponsible and ridiculous to consider Jesus (Hitchens calls him the Nazirite) anything other than liar, lunatic, or savior.

Mostly I listened to Dr. Doriani.

Although I think I caught him off guard by agreeing that many of Christianity's sins are evil (institutional sins in this case)!

Ultimately I enjoyed spending time with him, and with my friend Robbie, and with my professor.

I wonder if this will have a part two or three??? Maybe I should have sit with the Christian from the debate (D'Nesh D'Souza).

While I was there he ate salad, a bit of fried okra, had a Scotch (Some Glen...) and soda (what??? added soda??? yes...), and some Pinot Noir.

What fun it was... My mom said she doesn't usually like those things (although she listened to Bill Clinton the other night just to get herself worked up!), but I don't know if I would like the Dog Shows she goes to either!

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Substance


I wonder often about the word Substance. I think it is because I often wonder if knowing Jesus offers a substance to my life and to the world, whereas not knowing Him might lead one into a less and less substantive life. I'm not smart enough to exegete my own sentence, but sometimes I am very struck by the lack of substance of the things that upset us on silly days, and then on other days the substance is very thick.

Yesterday was a hard day. It didn't help that I overate (probably because it was a bad day) at lunch and made myself even more tired.

Luckily, I had the presence of mind to run to the park with Caroline. It rained lightly (which helped honestly), and Caroline seemed the only person or thing of substance to me... I love Julia and my wife, but hadn't seem them much and had been in school most of the morning. School seemed hollow and less meaningful than I hope it will feel on other days.

I realize I was angry. My grief has moved away from my other loved ones and is becoming more selfish - not in a bad way. What I mean is that I am thinking and dealing with it relative to my heart rather than worrying (only) about my mom or my brother or my grandmother.

I have the same answers about death and suffering and the world that I had before this. The answers seem the same - substantive, but not exhaustive. God still seems to me to be good, but the world a bit messier. I love so many things about C.S. Lewis' statement, "Do not come to me with spiritual answers or I will suspect that you do not understand."

I'm doing well today (hence the ability to blog). I do not know how I will feel tomorrow. Mom offers me a lot of strength, my girls offer a lot also.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Thoughts on Death and 3 Pointers

Blogs are funny so I will give medium depth to this one.

I have buried 3 men in the past year who I respect as much as any men I know. Two grandfathers and my mother's husband. My paternal Grandfather was last december, and the other two were in the last three weeks.

Geeps/Jim Blazer Sr. was a good man. He was married over 60 years, his funeral was huge, and I loved him. He loved well - his wife, his four children, his many many grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I could go on and sound like an obituary, btu I know that he loved well. I know that when my parents were together he called my mom, "Pretty lady". I know that he didn't see her for almost 20 years, and when he saw her at my graduation he said, "Hey there pretty lady."

Richard Jorgensen loved my mother well. He was the most "man's man" I ever knew. He was drafted to play minor league ball, he had a hit record in the 50's, he was the president of a bank, and he married up to marry my mom. I performed the funeral, and it was easily the hardest thing I have ever done or participated in.

Donald Francis Toomey was a true Renaissance man. He was a successful professional photographer (took photos at the Nuremberg trials among other things), he was working on his second book about sacraments and missions in New Mexico (first book was on California missions and Father Junipero Serra), he made many local artists famous by writing about them in local magazines, he sold his collection of DH Lawrence books to the University of New Mexico for 25K (it was a big collection), he is the inspiration to many in our family for higher education, he stepped into a lot of gaps left by men in this family, and I didn't even mention his PHd in Geology...

It has been a rough few weeks.

Tonight I hit a 3 pointer to put us up one 49-48 against a good team (semi-finals of our league). About two minutes later I hit another to tie it at 52... I almost cried running back down the court, I really did... It was just such a simple gift, but it felt so basically good to my heart. We lost, but I was 2-2... I would rather we had won, but I appreciated the gift. My mom (who is having a much worse week than me... and yet, people keep asking how she is doing) says to not feel guilty when little things feel good. So, I'm admitting it felt good. It has been a long hard couple of weeks. My three girls have been rocks of joy and fun. My mom is going to be okay, because she is awesome. And... they weren't just gifts, I have shot several thousand 3 pointers... and Jody threw me two good passes.

Monday, August 11, 2008

My Trespassing Two Year Old


So, we have tried to make this a fun summer for Caroline what with the new baby and all. So, today we went to Grant's Farm. I checked the website, set up the bike (because then it is free), and off we went.

As we roll in there are no cars. I recall that they don't open until mid-morning so I have a fleeting Clark Griswald, "We're the first ones here..." But, then I realize that the man I am looking at driving a golf cart was not John Candy and my heart sank. I asked if they were closed and he explained that I had mis-read the website twice - no Mondays and they are now on fall Schedule...

But, through conversation it was made clear that I could kind of go about the Clydesdales. It wasn't exactly open, but it wasn't exactly closed and we saw no people after the John Candy-character. It was wonderful, Caroline enjoyed being with the Clydesdales, and afterwards we went to the park. Perhaps just her and I and the Clydesdales were better than her and I and a thousand people with the other animals, the train, and the two free beers.

I could go on - I am amazed that she will sit in a swing for 40 minutes (and I have the sore forearms to prove it...). I love when she closes her eyes for five minutes at a time on the swing. I don't love the whining that accompanies her being two... but, maybe that makes the 40 minutes of silence on the swing magical.

It has been a hard week. All of my girls have been amazing. I should take her to the zoo or something tomorrow...

Camera Phones


So, I think camera phones are silly... But I still use mine and occaisonally find a pic like this one...

Friday, July 11, 2008

Going Home


So, I was reading yesterday and the author mentioned, with a qualification that his book is not about parenting, that the goal is to convince our children that we love them more than they could possibly imagine... And, that they are not the center of the universe.

That struck me pretty profoundly because I was at home in order to take care of my two year old. Three days ago, she didn't get out of bed for two hours - just laid there. She is talking less, and strangely - lots of n's "Daenny" is my name sometimes. This was the part I knew I wasn't as ready for as the other parts - the change for Caroline. My solution - talk to her about it, and make her play. I let her watch cartoons and have pizza and a popsicle (did I mention that she wasn't eating or drinking much either?), then we went to the pool. She loves the pool, and started to perk up within sight of it - but then she slid back down. Wanted me to carry her everywhere, and wouldn't engage in the things she loves to play with.

I talked to some parents I saw there - they had twins and then triplets!!! They said their twins still haven't gotten over the triplets being born, but that that is their lot in life and they stopped trying to overextend after a few months of trying that. It didn't fly well with me, but it was great advice. So, Caroline and I went to the slide. She did not want to go, but she wasn't protesting. I took her down ten times, she never walked, and for awhile didn't say she wanted to do it again. And, I kept telling her we were going to do it again (each time she would smile during the actual sliding); until she said "do it two more times???" Then she was back to normal and played with her noodle, ran, and then we went out to eat and she ate a plate of spaghetti (the shirt is now being stain-treated by Grandma).

We continue to talk with her, she is clearly worried about Mommy's ouchey, and life will never be the same again. But I have my beloved dialectical-parenting philosophy. Basic, but with no arrival - just the way I like it.

Oh yeah... and Rachel and I are going home in about an hour. I suppose it will be worse when they are both teenagers!

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Want Caroline to Brush Mommy's Hair?




Caroline did okay with Julia. Round two begins in about 20 minutes... She is a verbal processor so we will talk to her a lot (shocking that I would have a verbal kid...), she knows that Mommy has an ouchy. She knows that she was born here, and that helps her connect with Julia being born here... We have been buying her balloons when she visits.

Big Sister



She can say who Julia is, that Julia is her sister, etc.

We're very interested in her reaction when she realizes Julia will not leave - ever.

This morning Caroline slept in for two extra hours (never happened)...

Julia Paige Blazer



Mommy gets to shower today... first one since Sunday.

Julia Paige Blazer



Monday, 10:51 PM, 8 lbs, 11 ounces

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Silly

I use that word a lot... Silly. I must have a two year old.

I also got a new computer, and it changed my podcast web address to:

http://web.mac.com/mattblazer/Site/Podcast/Podcast.html

I don't know why.

I will update that one after I finish putting my talks from Colossal Camp on there...

Macs are awesome, but who can explain them???

Monday, June 30, 2008

Letters and Dinosaurs




So, the latest game (for Caroline and I) is to play the "Wheels on the bus". A slight bit like Calvin Ball, "Wheels on the bus" can exist outside where it involves running around the tree in our front yard singing various verses of the hit song. However, lately it is more interesting for Caroline to request that I make up new verses all the time. Current verses that may or may not be in the original (which we have copies of in at least two books) - The cars on the bus ("boom, boom, boom"), the penguins ("I can't fly"), the spoons ("Scoop, scoop, scoop"), the dogs ("Woof, woof, woof"), the mommies (you think you've heard this one, but Caroline learned a different version from Mommy - must ask Mommy to hear that one), the cats, the sheep ("Don't take my wool"), the cows ("moo, moo, moo"), the Carolines ("this is not a crisis..."), the Ronnies (our dog, "I Hate thunder"), the Batmans (he says "I am fat" because he is), Stegosaurus', Bill the Dinosaurs (a T-Rex I think), Fred the Dinosaurs (like Bill, only yellow), Triceratops' ("Get out of my way"), Racoons ("I can fight", because I only know what I learned from Old Yeller), etc.

ANYWAY, tonight, while she was in the bathtub she asked for several new verses based upon letters she was picking up (she has these little letters that stick to the walls of the tub). Letters she knows: 't', 'g', 'q', 'x', 'm', 'w'... She mistook 'o' for 'g' and the number '1' for the number '2'. It was amazing. Not because she is advanced (like every kid, I'm sure she is in some ways and not in others), but because she has learned so much! It is just fun to watch and participate alongside! Crazy crazy crazy...

Let me know if you have any fun verse ideas...

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Record of Christians





So, I'm in Baltimore, and I just got finished speaking to an amazing group of senior high and junior high students.

Throughout the week I was loosely encouraging those who were already Christians on what I had learned about apologetics in 2008... That is a fancy way of saying I used what I know of Tim Keller's book "Reason for God" to encourage them on interacting with people who have these blocks between them and the Lord like - Suffering, the Exclusive Claims of Christianity, etc.

One of the hardest ones to deal with is the Record of Christians...

So, on the cab ride home from Dinner (which couldn't have lasted more than 10 minutes), I was interrogated by a poor 72 year old Jewish man who was beat up repeatedly in school because "Jews killed Jesus"... I think I got a semi-free pass for not being Catholic. At the end he said, "Well, someone needs to ask forgiveness for all that..." and I leaned forward and I asked his forgiveness, and he granted it - said he wasn't talking about me (to which I said I was in that tradition so I was asking anyway) - and he thanked me... And I upped my tip...

Then he came back to give me money back because he remembered that our first stop was for him to get gas...

We re-lived both the forgiveness and the tip again.

I suppose Tim Keller is right. I suppose I was right to encourage the kids to simply apologize and offer forgiveness when and where we can... Being right doesn't make me any less sad that this poor man had to fight many days of his elementary school and junior high years. I wonder if I could have talked to him about Jesus if he hadn't been beat up so much when he was young.

Monday, May 26, 2008

mickey




So, we went to Serendipity tonight because we knew Silly Jilly would be there. Silly Jilly makes balloon animals. Two weeks ago she made Caroline a giraffe (George). George looked very strange when parts of him began to pop.

So, we walk over (after pizza, not the healthiest evening...) and Caroline is VERY excited at this point. Silly Jilly offers to make another giraffe, a monkey, a lady bug (I saw one of these, it was pretty amazing - she is much better than Cowboy Gil), and since she didn't offer to make any of the little Einstein's (maybe you have seen their show at 7:00 AM CDT???) we decided on Mickey (he comes on at 7:30).

The entire time Silly Jilly was making Mickey Caroline was screaming, "WOW WOW WOW, LOOK AT THAT!!! LOOK AT THAT!!! WOW WOW, LOOK AT THAT MICKEY!!!" And hopping up and down. It was like an ad for balloon-animal-vendors... And we thought we should share.

Sorry for the low-resolution picture, I only had my phone

Thursday, May 08, 2008

1:12


I want to go to bed.

I will soon.

Have some finals this week, but I'm blogging at 1:12 because I hate sin. Usually I am careful on my blog to not talk too Christian-ey... But, I hate sin. I want my friends and family to stop drowning in it.

Sorry that I always use that word, but that is what it looks like to me from here.

Caroline reminds me of so much of what is good in the world, and yet I know that (while I "have what it takes") I cannot protect her from the world, her own flesh, and the one who prowls about seeking to devour her...

Lord, I believe... help my unbelief.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

The hard way out




So, I posted that picture because it is awesome.

I thought about writing about stories and how I rented the third Season of Arrested Development ("STEVE HOLT!!!"). It was good and funny - I laughed out loud on my own - but I was sad to not have rented a story. I even bought popcorn. I cannot remember the last time I bought popcorn for a couch-movie.

Earlier in the week I rented and watched 1408. Rachel began watching, then we all decided she shouldn't watch it. I don't recommend it. It is neither scary enough nor good enough. The evil isn't tangible enough and the character development is too tangible. However, I will give it to Stephen King he understands the point of suffering to some degree.

Cusack sees several ghosts in the movie, and was sort of disappointed in them (except for the startling aspect) until I realized I was supposed to be. No apparition or physical sensation or even the anticipation of such is as powerful as your own past and your own story. Now, this - in and of itself - does not equal what I would call a robust definition of suffering! Rather it is merely a description.

But, at the end it is clear that Cusack is better for having gone through it. His marriage is better, his work is leagues and light years better, his marriage is better... Some of it was new suffering, some was facing old suffering - most was dealing with himself...

So, why do we elevate our experience? Is this what we do now that Sartre and Kirkegaard have really influenced everybody (they were existentialists... don't ask me much more than that)? We think we're not supposed to suffer... I suppose much of the culture tells us we are not supposed to... When looking for reasons and especially what to do we simply go to ourselves (In Cusack's case he was still writing, but writing cheap silly Haunted House tour Guide Books and surfing while his wife didn't even know where he was. I have sympathy for where his character was, but that isn't the right response.) So, what is the right response? I don't know. I have a lot of trouble looking people who have suffered in the eye and telling them they have elevated their experience over what they know to be true about life, suffering, and community.

Isn't community funny too? We love it, we hate it, we need it so desperately, it creates as much hardship as anything... We run from it, we cannot run from it?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Juno







So, Rachel and I saw Juno tonight. I enjoy movies. This was one of the few that I saw without refreshments - I am on a "I don't know how to really diet, but I should breathe between bites..." diet, and it includes not ordering popcorn and a large cup of corn to drink (you know that that is all that soda is right?).

I liked that it resolved a bit more than other 2008ish movies, but wasn't a feel good 80's flick (although I really like those and am pretty amazing at pointless 80's trivia). I liked the characterization and movement - didn't see Jason Bateman ending the way he ended in the movie. It made me like people more, believe in life and the movement within it, made me want to buy the soundtrack for my wife, made me want to watch more Arrested Development...

Other things I could write about... The friend who made a decision to not keep their baby - hard to think about without Juno. The pen I just successfully filled with ink that belonged to my great-grandfather. A listener of my podcast wants me to podcast about guilt. And I'm tired of Seminary, mainly because I still see drowning people everywhere as I drive to a place where my role (Calling???) is to sit and be trained (deal with my authority issues???) while many of the drowning ones ask me to speak - at events, into their lives, over coffee...

Discuss... (You may also discuss my daughter on her second birthday eating a cupcake out of a cone - GREAT IDEA, my wife is a genius)...

Friday, February 29, 2008

Isaiah 9


So, I just finished writing a translation/exegetical paper on Isaiah 9. I have no diea how good or not good it is. Papers like this one help me realize why I will probably never pursue a PHD.

Today I did okay at remembering how amazing my daughter is. I was laying on the couch watching her run around and she came over with this little blue book (keep in mind that she is not yet two years old) and said, "Want to lay on the couch with Daddy and read "prayer"". The book is called "Prayers for little girls" or something like that... And she knows at least half the words in every prayer...

Needless to say, we read the book (and some other books too).

I want to write on my trip to the Farmer's Market (I am reading "The Omnivore's dilemma"), I wanted to write a week ago on masculine initiation and my high school coach's story of the time his coach gave him the green light, and I suppose I could think of something remotely theological or interesting... such as who has to work harder to make their points about Scripture: the liberal or the conservative theologian. I really cannot tell, but it seems like a lot of work...

Two Requests to tell what I said to the student who asked me (this has happened a lot, I only knew the answer once...) if GOd could make a rock too heavy for him to pick up. I said, "Andrew (for that is his name), your question is based upon the laws of Physics and thermodynamics - my God not only invented those laws but He is not constrained by the time, space, philosophy, and language you are using. My God is too big for your question. Kalie was elated with my answer...

Friday, February 01, 2008

A January Post




So, I have an assignment to read about 20 different websites of missions organizations and world news sites. As I prepare to do this I was drinking a nice beverage, and then - because my back has been hurting - I sat in the massage chair Rachel got me for Christmas. Before I signed on my blog (and also before the mission sites) I looked at fountain pens on E-Bay and Paradisepen.com...

Seems a bit out of whack, and yet I believe the Gospel has as much to say towards religious people (if not more) as it does to irreligious people. Meaning: there is no rule about whether or not I can have a fountain pen (or three). But, there is this reality (regardless of my perception) that the point of money is more likely to put the world back together than it is to make me happy. I like big defintions... Remind me to tell you what I told the last teenager who asked me if God could make a rock so heavy he couldn't lift it.

Almost two years ago we took Caroline home from the hospital (March 18th). Now, on the first page of the book I made her through my computer (thanks IPHOTO), if I say, "There's Caroline just after she was born..." She will say, "She was very smushy" (Because that is the caption and because she is very verbal).

There are still people everywhere I know who seem to be drowning in life. My wife and I were watching In the Bedroom (because it is based upon a Short Story by my favorite author)... it is poignant about suffering and companionship.

I am leading a thingey about worldviews for seniors... They don't know if it is relevant... They don't know that the world will walk up to them every day and ask them in no uncertain terms where and how and why their worldview speaks to them... "What is your purpose... Why is the world such a mess... What happens when you die... Is there any hope... " There's one other one I can't even remember... Probably something about identity.

Thoughts?

Saturday, December 29, 2007

The Road












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So, I just finished "The Road". My mom wants my brother (a Philosophy professor) to lead a discussion on it sometime in Denver (where she lives, he teaches in Chicago). So, I got it for my birthday. Everyone on this side of the family has read it.

I wish I had read it before I had a daughter, even though it is easier to understand now.

I am glad I have read McCarthy before (Blood Meridian), and was aware of how dark of a writer he is.

It is the saddest book of fiction I have ever read. Although I did not cry - it was too stark of a sadness to cry, too well done, too many ashes everywhere "If I'm not allowed to cry you're not..." I am moved I suppose. But, I think I stereotype "being moved" as a good thing. I was moved at Dachau. Fiction cannot capture the reality of Dachau, but I suppose The Road might be one of the closest.

The two books that did make me cry - A Severe Mercy (twice) and the Killer Angels (when Chamberlain makes his men salute their confederates). See why I didn't cry? I cry at weird stuff.

They make a lot of McCarthy's books into movies, and this one was an Oprah pick (I will have to find out what she thought. Seriously) so it will certainly be a movie. I will not want to see it, but I will probably see it.

Why are we so obsessed with the end of the world? How many movies and stories exist about it? My brother eventually wants to write about how Apocalyptic works serve to display what we think is of ultimate value. This is apparently a brand of philosophy known as aesthetics. I thought I knew what aesthetics were... things have too many meanings.

I hope that there is more hope than darkness upon the Road. Caroline exists to show me that there is.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Autumn


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Tony Campolo, who writes as prolifically as anyone (except maybe Phillip Roth and some Romance Novelists), and a couple of years ago he wrote a book after surveying a large number of people who were over 100 years old. He had three main points after surveying them: they wished they had risked more, spent more energy to leave a legacy, and reflected more.

I have been praying and thinking about growing stronger, mainly in the area of reflecting (the other two I don't struggle with as much).

This year I have been struck over and over and over by the Fall. My street curves and the colors are wonderful (and I have a thing for curvy streets).

I have a good friend who was recently admitted to the hospital for grief and anxiety, I have friends who have been wounded deeply by their church and cannot see straight because of it, I'm beginning my first sermon series ever (in front of a church on a Sunday morning)... And, I am still struck by Autumn.

Thoughts? Are you better at reflecting when your life is chaos? Does the Fall touch something deep in your soul?

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Alexei Fyodorovitch


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I love the idea of books. Sometimes I also love books. I wrote my Senior Thesis on the Brothers Karamozov (even though I did not finish it for months). I think I received a "c" on the paper.

Now, I'm reading it with a group of guys and enjoying it even more.

As I have said before, it often seems as though everyone around me is drowning, and sometimes it seems like the water threatens me also. Alyosha, (the youngest of the brothers proper, second youngest really) is having a similar day - his brothers are scheming or scoundreling, his mentor lays dying in the same room, his father a reprobate, and a random crippled woman from his childhood has just professed her undying love for him.

These are Dostoyevshy's words as Alyosha lays down in his cell at the monastery, "He slowly replaced the note in the envelope, crossed himself and lay down. The agitation in his heart passed at once. "God have mercy upon all of them, have all these unhappy and turbulent souls in Thy keeping, and set them in the right path. All ways are Thine. Save them according to Thy wisdom. Thou art love. Thou wilt send joy to all!" Alyosha murmured, crossing himself, and falling into peaceful sleep."

I prayed this prayer last night, and will likely pray it again...

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Just a wonderful picture





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Do I really need to comment on this pic?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Communication


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So, I commented on another blog and it was all deep and heady stuff. Not really, but I didn't get to talk about my daughter. The other blog gets like 3 billion hits a day, and i suppose that means people would rather discuss religion, philosophy, people than my daughter. But, as for me and my blog... we would rather talk about Caroline and maybe tie it in to something else...

We went to the park yesterday after I spent most of the morning engrossed in my studies. Caroline likes the park, there are things to climb on, steps to go up, three slides to go down (one she can do with me just waiting at the bottom), a squirrel that sort of bounces (although he/she recently lost a handle), a very strange rock/paper/scissors game, and four swings (two for small kids, two for kids who know how to swing).

She is pretty good about telling you where she wants to go, asking for help and all that. So, we move to the black swing (for little people) and she swings on it for about 15 minutes. Keep in mind she is 17 months old - NOTHING holds her attention that long (except for a few choice books - Go, Dog Go and a book of 9 stories she refers to as "Timmy" because the first story is called "Busy Timmy" - more on Timmy Later). I am pushing her pretty high (mom wasn't at the park), and she is alternating between regular swinging, leaning back and looking up, leaning forward and looking down. She's not laughing a ton, but she is smiling and saying "Whee-Uh" a lot. I become concerned she may get sick so I take her off.

Instead of going to the slide (s) the wonky-Squirrel (usually her second choice after swinging), the climbing stuff (she can climb one of them), or the bouncey bridge we go to the Yellow Swing (still for smaller kids), and she says "S-ing s-ing!", so we swing in the Yellow Slide for about 5-7 minutes. I take her out not wanting her to have left the park without sliding, etc. So, she takes my hand and leads me to the 3rd swing (for big kids), and we do that oen together for about ten minutes.

It was awesome, I have to hold her with one arm and remember when to bend my knees and when to straighten them but the sun is setting (beginning to anyway), she is talking to me, "Hi Daddy, hi daddy, hi daddy... Timmy, Oh Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Oh Timmy Oh Timmy..." (Rachel and I think she is sad for Timmy because if you pay attention you notice Timmy knows no actual people and lives a very sad life).

At the same time we are within 30 minutes of bed-time so I again set her down on the ground thinking we can slide a few times and maybe go to the bridge (Dad is good at shaking the bridge). Nope, on to Swing Number Four... She actually tries to climb into it which was awesome because it is over her head, but no one told her so she is grabbing it and trying to swing her leg into it...

I think she likes to be held, but there must be something else going on (cartoons, a swing, a book). Caroline is one of two very fortunate people who I really like to touch and be touched by (my wife being the other) - this is unfortunate for our cat, Batman. Therefore, it was wonderful to just swing for awhile. This park is shaded so we didn't sweat a ton, it is a relatively pretty park with a big field between us and the sun. There were other dogs so the nice melody of our dog, Ron, moaning to womp the other dogs simply added to the afternoon. Okay, the last part was sarcastic... Nevertheless, it was a wonderful trip to the park. We didn't need to play hard, we just needed some quality time with Dada...

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Happy-Tired


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I preached this morning at church (www.riversidestl.org if you're interested there is an MP3). My mom, sister, step-dad, and nephew were here for it. My wife was gone over the weekend till my sermon... I have a Greek Mid-Term tomorrow.

The beginning of this blog sounds like the line from "Risky Business". "I have a Trig Mid-Term Tomorrow... I should be at home studying. Instead I'm being chased by Guido the killer pimp... I think I'm gonna throw up... I think I'm gonna throw up on you Joel." The last part was just so everyone knows my brain is pretty funny when it comes to movie lines.

Caroline is discovering a lot about the world. The picture I failed to capture was about 1 minute before this one when the water hit her in the face. To say she was either happy or sad is adding emotion - she was surprised. She was more curious, but more thoughtful also. Hence, 'I want to touch it, but I don't know about how close it ought to be.'

Sometimes she mixes words together like "Happy-Tired" which is how I feel right now. It was a good weekend. I'm not super-worried about making a high A on my test tomorrow (see previous blog post), but I feel weary. I have energy, but feel drained in general...

Today I feel tired towards the aspect of life that gives you things you sense you must do well (in this case Greek III), and things you are passionate about but have trouble finding the time for (in this case the Sabbath Study I am doing). But, I will keep pushing - to pass Greek 3, continue reading and writing about rest, and to be present in all relationships. That last bit is because I like hanging out with my daughter andthe rewards go up when I just watch her, follow her around, read to her when she wants to be read to - a lot. Lately a book about "Busy Timmy".

I still see and sense many friends and family members drowning around me. I feel mature in knowing how little I can, and how much the little I do often means.

I wish to be inspired, but offer myself the grace of sleep and the rewards that come with perseverance towards the things like Greek (obligations) and things like an independent study/book project on the Sabbath (joy). And the grace of sleep...

Friday, June 29, 2007

The Need to Quantify


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I think grades are hilarious. Every time I receive a quiz, test, or paper back my heart rate goes up just a little and I get some chills. Not because I like grades (or definitely not because I make straight a's - haven't since 4th grade), it is because my life, efforts, and thoughts have become quantifiable in a precise manner (relative to the professor).

I know a lot of people are sort of addicted to school and learning, and I know a lot of people associate school with Hell. I think one of the reasons is that we do work (which is not, in and of itself, unique) and then someone grades it.

At work we are (hopefully!) reviewed. We may be reprimanded, given a pat on the back, given a raise, given a demotion, given some kind of ultimatum, etc. Generally though ,it is somewhat abstract and we can come up with reasons (we do this in school too) why things worked out the way they did.

One of the things that separates school is the forgettableness of it. My COmputer is currently telling me that that is not a word... FYI. We get our grade, it makes us happier, sadder, more frustrated, and then we move on (unless we have to take the class again). I just think it is interesting.

I recently turned 30 and am in school again for the first time since December of 2000 (when I graduated from college). It is harder and easier, I'm better and worse at it, I care less and more (all of these comparisons could be explored in a different - less abstract blog), and it seems funny to me how I react to a quiz when I get it back.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Safety


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It seem I have a lot of friends who are drowning. One called tonight... I still haven't checked my messages.

Caroline (my daughter) and I were having a rough time with her sleep routine. The problem, as I see it, was that she loves for me to read her books (she loves for everyone to read her books, but as her dad I get to do it a lot). So, I asked Rachel what she does and she says when Caroline fights drinking her Organic Whole Milk - Rachel sings to her for a few minutes (usually "I love you Lord") and Caroline will then drink her milk.

I tried it. After Knuffle Bunny (A Cautionary Tale by Mo Willems) and The Going to Bed Book (Sandra Boynton) I offered the milk. It was refused. I held Caroline close to me and sang her MLK by U2. It was pretty interesting. She fights a little, but she hugged a little too, and she rubbed her eyes (THE sign of tiredness). Then she drank her milk and went to sleep.

I have probably done this 5-6 times since Rachel coached me back to a solid bed-time delivery, and every time I want to blog about it. I want to talk about Safety, parents and their accompanying issues, my baby girl and how I am the king of cheesiness in what I sing to her... But, sometimes I get on line and read other people's blogs about George Bush, the sunrise or if they want to buy a fiat... Some of them seem like very important things that we ought all to be talking about. Some seem interesting, but hard to relate to.

I think I am still chewing on hearing Donald Miller speak about six months ago. I wrote down a bunch of my fears and goals for this year. The summer is big for both of them... I am also still chewing on Tony Campolo saying that in a series of interviews with people who lived to be over 100 they almost invariably said they wish they risked a bit more and reflected a bit more... And something else. I blogged about it a couple of years ago... I like reflecting on my daughter, she is squishy and innocent and fun. Today she said "Go dog Go" from a book. I will pray for my friends, the ones who seem to be drowning and the ones who don't, I will pray for my daughter because she will not always be like this, and I will pray for my heart that I will not fear.